Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 129

  • Written by Dana
  • April 15th, 2006
  • 14 min read


PROLOGUE

Free as a bird.
Free to be me.
No more worries–
Just me and me and me.

Surrounded by Thai women.
So so in love.
Them and me–
Like hand in glove.

Just what I need
At my time of life.
The sight of Thai women–
No need of a wife.

Just let me look.
Let me be.
Every Thai women
A part of me.

Filling my eyes.
Filling my life.
Eliminating stress.
No more strife.

Just a happy center–
A happy place to be.
Thai women
And me . . .

INTRODUCTION

1. My girlfriend Febby had announced to me that she had to go to Prathumrat to help her mother named Phitsanulok catch frogs. Or was it her mother named Prathumrat who lived in Phitsanulok? Whatever. Hey, it's Thailand. Only two ways to go. Believe nothing you are told or believe everything you are told. I've managed to strike a nice wet noodle expat middle road. I believe everything I am told but assign it no currency. You tell me a ghost visited you last night and the two of you made som tam until another ghost showed up and it was a bad ghost wearing a green hat and . . . blah, blah, blah. Ok, baby; but what exactly am I supposed to do with that information?

Anyway, Febby had to go away for a couple of days to help her mother catch frogs. Frog catching season or something. Maybe this accounts for all of the extra frogs I have seen lately in our village. The Phitsanulok frogs know what is coming so they are catching frog buses and frog planes south. So I took good daughter frog catcher Febby to the airport.

Do to some last minute glitches in personal planning (morning boom-boom) I am not dressed up but just wearing those super thin baggy beach pants and no underpants. You know, the pants that can't keep erections down. The pants you would like to wear into tranny bars. Anyway, I am really torn up over Febby leaving me. True it is only for a couple of days, and true I guess it's ok if she is just going to be messing around with frogs instead of messing around with farangs; but still I am going to miss her.

At the airport I just lose my emotional stability as I see her waving at me through the plane window. I break through security and run out onto the tarmac. Crying and waving and smiling at her I am now running towards the plane with a giant erection sticking straight ahead in my beach pants. I don't see the airplane propeller and run right into it. Boy those things are really big and go around really fast. Anyway, my cock and balls are cut off. That made me stop running I can tell you but the damage was done. No cock and balls.

Well, ok–that didn't happen but it could happen. Think about it.

2. I'm down in Takua Pa a couple of miles from the Chieo Lan reservoir helping the missionaries who are helping the locals. The locals think all a chainsaw is for is cutting down trees and the men are the worst. Give a man a chainsaw and it is a death sentence for a tree. They don't understand that a chainsaw is a tool and that it can be used for selective pruning. Selective pruning and scientific forestry management are good things but if they just keep cutting down whole trees around the reservoir it will contribute to erosion and that will negatively impact the water quality of the reservoir. So I am volunteering my time with the Missionaries of the Sacred Blood of the Dying Jesus and Wine Soaked Wafer International Christian Busybodies Church.

I am giving a chainsaw demonstration. It is mostly men watching. But there is one person watching who is not a man. She is about fourteen years old. She has the shelf hips of a woman and the mature face of a woman and a pony tail sticking out of the back of her baseball cap. When the Martians land they aren't going to say,

"Take me to your leader."

They are going to say,

"Take me to the woman who was in the chainsaw lecture in the year 2006 on the banks of the Chieo Lan reservoir near Takua Pa, Thailand. We are not interested in your planet's minerals or territory or oxygen or food or water. We do not want to breed with Earthlings and we do not want to meet your leaders or sign peace agreements or compare technologies. Just please help us.

Our planet Mars is inhabited by fat white mouthy stupid sexless females. Please take us to the woman who was wearing the baseball cap with her long black hair sticking out the back, and who had dazzling white teeth, and a glorious smile, and a bouncy walk, and lovely smooth brown skin, and riveluts of musk running down the insides of her thighs.

We beseech you Earthlings. We beg you. Please give us a planetary reason to live. Please take us to the woman who was in the chainsaw lecture in the year 2006 on the banks of the Chieo Lan reservoir near Takua Pa, Thailand."

Anyway I don't have to tell you that when demonstrating chainsaw usage it is mandatory to be careful. But my attention wanders and the blade rips into my pants. Before I can hit the kill switch my cock and balls have been ripped off and flung to the ground.

Ok, didn't happen. But I think you can see how it could happen.

3. I hop off of the baht bus in South Pattaya and give the driver the legal fare of 5 baht and start walking away. One thing leads to another. He wants 10 baht. Etc. We end up in a knife fight in front of Starbucks. This turns out to be a mistake.

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not that good a knife fighter. I'm exceptionally skilled with belt fed automatic weapons on tripods, and I can't be beat with shoulder fired missiles, and I was first in class with giant slingshot grenade throwing; but knives are not really my thing. So I end up having my cock and balls cut off in front of Starbucks on Beach road. But the driver didn't get his extra 5 baht so I guess we are even. Well, maybe not–but principles are important and he didn't get to steal from me or abuse me just because I am a farang. Did get my genitalia removed however. More trips to the tailor I guess.

Well, ok–that didn't happen but it could have.

ZEN CENTERED

So where am I going with these little stories?

Just this: I get about 2000 emails a day from expats and visitors to the Kingdom and we talk of many things. Best way to get to Lotus from On Nut station. Yeah, we talk about that. How to sip drinks through a face mask in smoke filled Jap bars. Yup, talk about that too. How a dick flambe can cure you of Aids (pour brandy on your dick and drop a lit match on it). What else? How to shop at Victoria's Secret for the most diaphanous see-thru blouses they have so that you can play Wet T-Shirt contest in the shower with your teeruk. Oh yeah baby–lots of talk on that subject and some bitchin' pics too. What to do when a decrepit disgusting Hilltop Tribe ancient offers you his bong. You know, the bong where the end of it that has been in his mouth looks like something you'd see coming out of a women giving birth. Ya know–some gross placenta-like thing. Opinions differ here on what to do.

Anyway, I get a lot of emails on every conceivable subject related to farang–Thai issues but one of the subjects that comes up again and again is a testament to the thoughtfulness and maturity and deep seated love for Thailand that farangs have: To wit–

"How would losing your cock and balls affect your experience as a man in Thailand?"

And the answer I think will surprise you. Well, of course; part of the answer is that it would effect your experience in Thailand in a mechanical way. No doubt there. Hard to make them sweat and thrash their heads like rag dolls gone beserk if you can't boom-boom them. But remember, I used words like ‘testament' and ‘thoughtfulness' and ‘maturity' and ‘deep seated love'. To help you with this subject it might be helpful to remind you that Thailand and Vietnam are the only two countries in the world where you can be walking down the sidewalk behind a woman and hear yourself say out loud–

"No ass, no breasts: unbelievably sexy!"

The women are just different.

To return to Thailand; Thai women are of such surpassing sexuality and beauty and femininity that it is actually transporting. You are taken to another place. Out of yourself. They are not humans but angels that have been sent down from heaven to give you life. And it is their giving and your receiving that constitutes a silver cord of transcendent pleasure beyond measure. In fact if it could be quantified you receive more pleasure from the visual contact and the imagined relationship than from the actual sex.

In a typical day in Pattaya I might kick my ‘long-time' Daow out of bed at seven so that I can boogy across the street at nine and pick up Fa for a ‘short-time'. Then at 2:00 p.m. I go to the open air bar in front of the Walking Street sign and pick up Oh for a ‘short-time', and then later at night I stumble into the wall-eyed Chinese whore on the boardwalk and take her upstairs for a drilling. Four sex romps in one day. Sounds like a lot if you are a prisoner I guess but that is not remotely what gave me the most sexual pleasure that day.

What gave me the most sexual pleasure that day and every day was just seeing Thai women. In a typical day in Pattaya I probably see 500 Thai women of incandescent and delectable sexuality. Let's see: 500 vs. 4, which is the bigger number? Why 500 is of course. So most of the time most of your sexual pleasure is from seeing Thai women and smiling at Thai women and talking to Thai women. Two of the internet cafes I frequent are not even that convenient to me but the girls at the front desks are virgins and father's daughters and knee tremblers. Can these experiences be had in some other part of the world? Not usually.

That is why when asked the question

"How would losing your cock and balls affect your experience as a man in Thailand?"

the almost unanimous response was ‘not that much'. I received answers like–

"Wouldn't keep me from coming to the Kingdom. Addicted to Thai women."–Farnlap Gotlab: Iceland.

"Not my first choice for something to happen to me but would not cause me to move back to England. A day without a cock in Thailand is better than a year with a cock in England."–Mortimer Jones: Swansea, England

"So I'm missing my cock and balls. So what. A Thai women's body is like an amusement park and a church. So many rides and always something to worship. I'd adjust and I'd be happy."–Eule Fondue: Montreal, Canada

"Well of course I would not like that to happen but it would not embarrass me or keep me from taking off my clothes in front of Thai women. I am so zen centered and Buddha calm now that nothing can effect me and nothing will keep me from worshiping Thai women."–Bronkley Tasker: Federal prisoner TY472LU3, Tasmania.

"My face would not betray my tragedy. Just seeing Thai women and smiling at them and talking to them gives me more happiness than I can account for. If I never had penetrating sex with a Thai women again it would be a loss but it would not be the end. Just because you can not paint does not mean you stop going into museums to witness great paintings."–Noddley Frisker CBN (retired): Singapore.

"Well Dana, I gotta tell ya, I haven't always agreed with everything you have written but I must admit that I have already dealt with this subject in my mind. Accident, illness, the big C, disease; anything can happen and the older you get and the closer you get to the final glidepath the more the odds are not tipped in your favor. Here is where I am at in my mind. If I still have my arms and I still have my voice than I am still ahead of my friends back home in the nursing homes and the malls and the churches of America. I can still hold Thai women in my arms and I can still tell them I love them. And I will mean it everytime I say it. I'd love to chat more but I've got to go to the lobby of the Royal Garden Plaza department store and watch the girls come down the escalator. Chok dii."–Daniel MacInnis: Akron, Ohio.

Well, there you have some of the representative responses I get in my email box almost every day from men in Thailand and from visitors in response to the question–

"How would losing your cock and balls affect your experiences as a man in Thailand?"

Surprised? Well, then you are not a man who has spent time in the Kingdom. No matter. That is partly why I typed this thing out. Kind of an educational thing. Heck, there could be some poor unfortunate Farang genitalia tragedies due to accident or surgery or disease or bargirl revenge walking around in the Kingdom right now. I can't tell. I don't see any sad faces. So sure you want to be careful about running into airplane propellers and you want to be careful with chain saws and you want to avoid knife fights with baht bus drivers; but hey, if you lose the equipment it is not the end of the world.

And this is your strength. Knowing that even if the worst thing that can happen to a man happens to you that it is not ‘leap off a Pattaya balcony' time. You aren't like other men. You are in Thailand and you are surrounded by female beauty that fills your chest to bursting everyday. You are not normal and your life is not normal and the rods and cones of your eyes for sure are routinely sending female images to your brain that are not normal. It is this knowledge and this experience that gives you an inner calm and an inner strength known only to gurus and mystics and experienced Thai expats. You aren't normal and your happiness will always exceed your pain.

So for me this is one of the defining things about my life in the Kingdom. Under the most sexually tragic man-centered circumstances that I can think of I will still be happier and more fulfilled and more excited about each new day than any of my friends back in the States. Clattering down the marble steps of the AA Hotel in South Pattaya in the morning with my digital camera in my shirt pocket and my Nikon across one shoulder and my Polaroid Instamatic across the other shoulder I know that sometime during my day I am going to be just struck dumb and happy by a beautiful Thai woman. And I hope she will let me take a picture of her face. So go ahead life. I'm prepared for the worst. Already an issue dealt with in my mind. I live in Thailand. I love Thai women. I have a future. I am happy.

Stickman's thoughts:

Where would Dana be if it were not for Thailand?