Readers' Submissions

The Ten Commandments Of A Happy Whoremonger

  • Written by Novomundo
  • December 24th, 2005
  • 8 min read


I love women. I love whores. I love women who are whores because they give me the best sexual bang for my money, I don’t get hassles or problems that I can‘t get rid of within ten or fifteen minutes, I don’t have to deal with a woman’s historical baggage, and the best thing of all about whores and my approach to them is that I’m almost never bored. I’m always getting surprises. It is the element of surprise that tops my list of priorities. Which is another way of saying that I am, in everything I do, a dedicated, irrepressible butterfly. To put the matter differently, I am committed to promiscuity in all of its many possible meanings. I’m promiscuous in what I read, in what I eat, in the company I seek, in the drugs I do, in the movies and museums I visit, and of course in my sex life. Well, I am not entirely promiscuous in my sex life; I am thoroughly heterosexual.

For nearly sixteen years I have traveled the world, and largely, often almost exclusively, for the purpose of whoring with girls and women. Argentina, Peru, Cambodia, China, the Dominican Republic, Vietnam, Brazil, Myanmar, Thailand, Indonesia, the Netherlands, Italy, Mexico, the Philippines, Cuba, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Honduras, Australia—just about any place where you find whores in one guise or another. In brothels, bars, the street, discos, back alleys, truck stops, massage parlors, restaurants, tea houses, the beach.

I cannot in all honesty say exactly how many whores—different ones—I’ve been with since I seriously began my travels in search of sexual adventure and variety. I’ve never kept track of the actual number. Nor have I had any interest in doing so. If I had to venture a guess, however, I’d say that over the sixteen years that I have pursued my hobby with immodest zest I have averaged between 50 and 70 different couplings a year; in 2003, an above average year, the number exceeded 100.

I have strong memories of the best of these half hour, three hour, one day, one night sexual adventures: mental pictures of where I had sex, what I did with the girl or woman, what she looked like, how she dressed and behaved, how we began and how we parted. My library of memories is solely in my head. I have never taken a single photograph of a woman with whom I have had sex. The cold truth is that I cannot remember the names of more than twenty percent of the hundreds and hundreds of women I have been with. I only needed to know a name when we hooked up, in order to be able to show her some respect and to increase the pleasure of what we did by making it less impersonal. Invariably, though, within a day or two, only the experience and the memory mattered, and a name for most of the women I’d been with quickly became an irrelevancy. For within a day or two of a sexual coupling, sometimes hours, I would find myself in pursuit of yet another girl or woman. My thoughts would be tightly focused on what I might like to try next: as to shape, age, color, disposition, weight, dress, in addition to all those sexual matters that any serious whoremonger obsesses about—the approach, the pause, the lingering warm up, two-holing or three-holing, the kissing and embraces, the shower together, and the leaving. Variation and novel combinations are always the real issue. Repetition and the familiar are to be avoided as much as possible. They are the banes of all marriages, all relationships, all friendships.

By about the third year of my global whoremongering I had developed a firm list of rules, or what I would tell myself were the Ten Commandments of a Happy Whoremonger. I share them here for the benefit of other whoremongers. No doubt many have lists of their own dos and don’ts. Even perhaps superior to and more detailed than mine.

My Ten Commandments, then:

1. Never sleep with the same woman more than twice. Or three times at the very most. Even if she is irresistible and perfectly charming and wild at heart and in bed, never, ever pay her for sex two days in a row. By returning to the same woman repeatedly one is asking for trouble. Requests for money beyond that agreed to. A request for additional money via the telling of sad and unhappy personal or family stories that may or may not be true. With each subsequent coupling with the same woman the likelihood or one or both parties becoming attached or having feelings called romantic love increase, and with it all of the undesirable consequences and boredom well known to all honest men who are married, were married or are in relationships.

Then too by having sex with the same woman more than twice or three times a dedicated and disciplined whoremonger deprives himself of difference, of diversity, of novelty, of the unexpected. Those very concepts that get to the core of exploiting to the fullest these brief lives we all have to thoroughly enjoy our most basic animal instincts.

2. Give every whore the respect you give to any person with whom you can imagine having a loving relationship of indefinite duration. You are buying a service, and in so doing are asking that the whore will be honest in delivering what is promised. She may not be honest, and many do not deliver on their promises; nevertheless, there is no reason to treat an unknown one-timer shabbily simply because other whores you have been with have not performed as promised or implied.

3. Commandment Two notwithstanding, work from the assumption that everything a whore tells you is a lie, and, more to the point, that her behavior in bed or what she tells you will not be a true picture of how she in fact feels toward you. Her job is to create an illusion, to bring you to climax, and, in most parts of the world and most of the time, to get rid of you as soon as possible. Those who are genuinely good at what they do are able to make the difference between illusion and reality seem trivial. Once the thinking summarized here in Commandment Three is integrated into the mental software of a true and disciplined whoremonger there will be few disappoints or regrets.

4. Do not give any whore honest information about who you are or what you do or where you are from, and most certainly do not give her a telephone number, mailing address or e-mail address. Tell her whatever will most likely get her to meet your needs. If the First Commandment is followed faithfully, there is absolutely no need for the woman to have any legitimate or honest personal information about you. Giving her such information will, as often as not, work against your best interest, which is first and foremost about meeting your sexual and novelty needs–real, fantastical, and otherwise.

5. Before agreeing to go with a whore or paying a bar fine or its equivalent (as in Thailand and the Philippines), make it perfectly clear what you expect in the way of services. Do not leave anything implied or up to her imagination, for to do so is assuredly a recipe for disappointment, misunderstanding, and unforeseeable and unpredictable consequences. There is, admittedly, a tradeoff here with the primary concern with surprise, and thus this Commandment is one to be broken as whim and circumstance dictate.

6. Do not take drugs or have too much alcohol when whoring because not only will enjoyment be sacrificed, but also you will not be able to respond appropriately and to best advantage to events that cannot be predicted and come at unexpected moments. Furthermore, too much alcohol often results in a lack of caution: failure to note that the woman is sick or has a suspicious sore. Or, alas, losing hold of one’s faculties to such an extent that one goes bareback for vaginal or anal sex.

7. After you get to the room, if you see, or smell, or sense that something is not right (the whore’s on drugs, she seems diseased, it looks like you’ve walked into a setup to rob you, she’s not going to come through on her principal promises), then cut your losses. Get rid of her right away; don’t commit the Concorde Fallacy and throw more time and money at an ill-conceived investment. Tell her you’re not feeling well or have bad stomach cramps or are going to throw up, whatever. Then leave, or ask her to leave right away. If necessary to avoid a scene or something not easily controlled, give the whore a small amount of money to get rid of her.

8. If a whore comes through on all of her promises, and proves to be good indeed, show your appreciation. Tip her, and honestly compliment her on her skills. You are not only making her feel good about herself, but you are almost guaranteeing that the next guy she’s with will be more than happy with what he asked and paid for. That next guy could be you returning for the second and last time.

9. Never have sex with a girl that’s underage, the appropriate age determined by the country in which you have sex with her. If in doubt about her age, walk away and find someone else.

10. Always wear a condom for vaginal and anal sex. To not do so is not just to risk a disease that could be fatal, but also to rob you of one or more novel experiences while you are recovering from your stupidity.


Stickman's thoughts:

I read the title of the submission with caution, but was pleasantly surprised at your rules.