Readers' Submissions

Tits Up – This is Thailand Syndrome

  • Written by Anonymous
  • August 24th, 2005
  • 5 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

Tits Up – This Is Thailand Syndrome, Unlimited Pleasures

By Smiler


FACE

One evening she wanted to try pasta but would only eat it in the hotel room. You often read on Stick's site about the importance of not losing face with the Thais, in this case she didn't want to risk getting a messy one. So Ohm ordered spicy fried spaghetti and I decided to throw my English fear of all foods foreign out the window (I am on holiday, ok) and went for a spaghetti bolognaise.

My mate eats som tam when he is in LOS, if you like hot spicy food – give it a try. Then if you can manage to keep your head attached to the rest of your body after a couple of spoonfuls, it will certainly impress the girlies. Since our first visit in 1989 he has become addicted to hot spicy food and often convinces himself that he can eat Thai dishes that are so full of chillies, even that day’s lucky teeruk can't clear her plate. Its a good game and always fun to watch. He challenged Ohm the last time we were in Pattaya and lost, badly, in fact he didn't speak to me for three days. He was confined to the bathroom for 48 hours mind and told me later there was no way he could sit on his Japanese flag at a bar near Soi Post Office for some days afterwards.

Back at the hotel kitchen/loom service confirmed what a number of farangs know and love (or hate) about Thailand – time is an abstract concept. I was in the shower when loom service called so Ohm paid again and politely informed me “I hungly, eat farang food now, not wait for you". Well it had been at least 90 minutes since sticky rice and barbecue on Walking Street so the poor girl must have been close to fainting. I quickly dried, pulled on a pair of shorts and went into the room to find Ohm doing her best to get on the outside of a smouldering heap of very, very spicy spaghetti.

It sounded like she was having sex with her food. Short urgent gasps, alternating with sharp intakes of breath followed every mouthful. Her face started to redden and glow; soon it was covered with a light sheen of perspiration. "Is there any food that's just to hot for you to eat babes?" I asked as she left the table to get a tissue to blow her nose. "Farang food not same, not hot" she said wiping her streaming eyes and sniffing. Ohm was going to keep "face" even if her own looked like it was starting to melt.

CULTURE

I met Ohm in a bar where she worked on Beach Road and she got me hook, line and sinker with her laugh. It's just not a professional one (it can be though depending what price she charges the punters). The mamasan gave me a calendar and told me I could put it in my toilet at home in England, I thanked her and said I would rather hang it on the wall. That is when I heard Ohm laugh for the first time and ever since I have found it impossible not to laugh or smile with her every time she does.

She doesn't laugh at all my crap jokes but then again I don't pay her. I mentioned that I had been into a go-go bar where the girls were dancing naked and asked one if I could smell her pussy. She said “no”, so I replied “it must be your feet then”. "It was just a joke love, honest" I yelled sprinting up the street with Ohm and a meat cleaver in hot pursuit screaming "why you go go-go, I cut your dick off"

Here is one for you guys – try telling your Buddhist girlie that you don't believe in reincarnation, you didn't when you were a hamster and you still don't now. Ok I wasn't expecting howls of uncontrollable, bed wetting laughter but neither was I ready for the 3 hours of detailed explanation and apologies I had to give her at 2 in the morning. By the way, the bloke who told me the reincarnation thing also advised me to integrate with the locals by slapping any monks I see at Grand Palace in a friendly "Benny Hill" type manner on the head. Think his name was cavemouth or ben down, something like that anyway.

EXPECTATIONS

In a couple of months we are back to the LOS for my third visit in a year. Not that I have a habit or need a fix and I am certain I am not in denial about this. No I just love the climate and food and rich diversity of people you meet in Soi 4 and Walking Street. I am especially looking forward to playing that desperately amusing bar game “Guess what country the guy with the loudest voice comes from”. A slight variation can also be played on Stickman reader submissions – Guess where they come from if in the first sentence or paragraph, the writer feels the need to mention how rich he is and how funny the story is going to be.

It will be great to see Ohm again, pay her the money I owe her from last time and hear all her news. Has Sweden man sent over even more cash for yet another air ticket she won’t buy? Is the money lending business better than working in a bar? Can we go to the hospital together just to be sure?

We always stay in the same place in Pattaya so they know Ohm at the hotel. Last year she was taken back there by a Canadian guy who bought some of my fake blue pills that “lady clean loom” sells for me. Fair play though he is a generous guy and together with another fellow Brit (who I suspect may also be a Stickman reader, what are the chances of that happening Stick?) <pretty good – readers' submissions reader numbers are soaringStick> indirectly paid for our week long anniversary bender on Koh Samet 6 months ago. Keep sending the money lads, you know it makes sense.

But what to do if things don't work out and she has no money or has put on loads of weight and she finds out about Tuk in Bangkok (Tuk knows about Ohm, so no probs there then). Some very worthwhile advice on Stickman about going back and finding things have changed. No doubt I will remember what it was when it all goes tits up, but hey that is Thailand syndrome, unlimited pleasures.

Stickman's thoughts:

No thoughts.