Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 91

  • Written by Dana
  • July 9th, 2005
  • 10 min read


Every 50-60 Minutes

Dana here with an idea of such happiness and brilliance that it simply beggars the imagination with its ability to solve problems and make people smile. To wit: I propose to solve all of the pesky problems endemic in transporting ourselves from BKK to Pattaya. No more car trips or taxis or bus services.

I propose that Beach Road and North Pattaya Road and Pattaya 2nd Road and South Pattaya Road be turned into runways. Planes from Tokyo and BKK and Hong Kong and Singapore and Calcutta and Juddha and London and Oslo and Paris simply land directly in South Pattaya on one of these four runways. Depending on usage issues and wind direction planes could either land on Beach Road or South Pattaya Road or Pattaya 2nd Road or North Pattaya Road and disgorge their happy tourists directly into the yawning sex hole of Sin City direct. Imagine this: From around 8:00 AM until 12:00 midnight 747's and 777's and 767's and big whale Airbuses would be landing every 50-60 minutes on one of these road/runways. Holy jumped up Jesus what a sight. You think a bunch of trannies cruising the boardwalk is attention getting? Wait ‘till you see a Cathay Pacific 747 touching down around Soi 6 on Beach Road–reversing engine thrust, hitting the brakes–and coming to a stop just in front of Walking Street. What a sight. Right wingtips just missing the palm trees on the boardwalk and left wingtips just missing the light poles on the sidewalk. Pilots eyes big as pie plates as they watch the Walking Street archsign filling up the windshield–brakes screeching–soi dogs hiding–roosters crowing–and waiting bar girls holding up their dresses in welcome. As part of the community spirit hordes of bargirls would serve as plane tugs and tow the planes around so that they could take off on South Pattaya Road.

This is how I imagine the aviation future in Pattaya: A single two hundred foot two inch diameter rope would be stretched out from the airships towing ring and 600 bargirls would grab on and pull. You haven't lived until you have rounded the corner of Beach Road and South Pattaya Road and seen hundreds of girls in heels and various outfits pulling a 747 around the corner. Airline company speakers on the backs of trucks pumping out techno music with an African beat and Thais with megaphones giving orders. Welcome to the pyramids Pattaya style. Of course the pilots could have made the corner on jet thrust and brakes alone but the towing routine was a sap to the community whiners and Pattaya Mail letter writers who were always complaining about too much noise; and too many beach chairs and too many boiled egg vendor ladies being blown out to sea. The scene was also good public relations. The new routes direct to Pattaya were advertised worldwide with the photos of the girls towing the planes and the caption:

Pussys Pulling Planes–I'll Bet You Haven't Seen That In Dubai.

Business boomed.

Imagine coming out of the internet café on South Pattaya Road and having a Singapore Air or China Air or Virgin Atlantic airliner screech by and then yank itself into the sky. Now that's what I call a Pattaya experience.

I know what you are thinking and I can predict the emails. You are thinking–"Oh come on Dana; how practical is that? How can you have big planes landing on city streets choked with baht buses and cars and trucks and tourists and dark skinned girls and motorcycles? Simple. That is what we are going to do. We are not going to make any special accommodation for the planes. They are just going to be added to the mix. Imagine this: It is a typical day or night in South Pattaya on Beach Road or Pattaya 2nd Road or North Pattaya Road or South Pattaya Road with the usual urban traffic chaos of cars and trucks and motorcycles and pedestrians and baht buses and a 747 streaks in from out of nowhere at 300 miles per hour–lines up over the Garden Cliff condos of North Pattaya–lowers down like she is going to lay an egg–and then just fucking slams the tarmac and starts the landing of death. Flare before touchdown usually followed by brakes and spoilers as needed followed by reversing engine thrust. Depending on the Chonburi airspace beers and cabin crew sex; these landing sequentials can come in any order–usually touchdown was first. Then rollout.

The big bellied metal monster slams down like a hand smashing a barfly spraying people and vehicles and sidewalk vendors like a sneezing drunk. Death and destruction and chaos and fear and confusion and elation at a another load of tourists. What a show. And to think that you would be able to witness this every 50-60 minutes.

God I'm glad I was born in this century. I will get to witness one of the finest shows of avarice and greed mixed with high technology and pointless death that a man could wish for. Jesus I love this town. Pattaya just keeps getting and better and I believe with the addition of this farsighted and convenient street/runway plan we will able to go from 20,000 whores in a three mile stretch to 70,000 to 80,000 whores in a three mile stretch. Jesus Mary and Joseph it almost makes me want to go back to church to thank a loving god for making this possible. The air traffic control tower for these flights arriving and departing from these four runway/streets will be the top of the Marriott Hotel on Pattaya 2nd Road. We'll pitch the satellite dishes and communications towers over the side and set up an airport landing control center on top of the hotel. Air traffic controllers will dress like Thai DJ's and high school girls in short pleated skirts with suspenders and little backpacks will serve drinks. Perfect location. Wait a minute. . . ah, fuck it–there isn't going to be any air traffic control tower. Only sissies need landing instructions. Once the planes leave BKK or enter Chonburi airspace the pilots and copilots and engineers and stewardesses will be allowed to drink and fuck. No worries mate. Fuck the tower. 767 from Hong Kong coming in–Dana on board.

Futurists (read greedy businessmen) are already chatting up the idea of building a fleet of amphibious big bellied flying boats that could streak in out of the day or night sky at hypersonic speeds (Tokyo-Pattaya: 47 minutes)–announce their landing intentions with sonic booms–and then splash down in Pattaya Bay and end up on the beach. You think the beach is crowded now with beach chairs and umbrellas and touts and Thai families and long tail boats and . . . . well, wait until you see 25 to 30 long haul carriers lined up wingtip to wingtip on the beach from Soi 6 to Soi 13. Now you are talking commerce. But right now that idea is just silly dreaming. My idea is practical.

So who is with me on this? Who can imagine a bright and happy aviation future in South Pattaya? If you have any ideas on this get in touch with me. I am now working on the preliminary documents to present to the mayor. My people will be talking to his people and his people will be having some power lunches with important people and it will then all go into committee. The plan right now is for the inaugural flight to arrive at 10:00 p.m. New Year's Eve. The plane will be painted up to look like a giant can of Foster's Lager and will be covered stem to stern on the fuselage and the engine pods and the wings and the vertical stabilizer with logos and bar names like:

Sexy Girls Agogo
Super Baby Agogo
Black Pussy Bar
Cheap Charly Bar
Spicy Girls
Bubbles
Lipstick
Kitten Club
Living Dolls
Electric Blue
Carousel
Peppermint Agogo
Rodeo Girls
and
Misty's

The inaugural flight will be 200 blind drunk Aussies and 300 big dick pre-op katoeys. I will be first off the plane. The mayor and I and the CEO of the airline will make speeches. No one will listen. Richard Branson of Virgin Atlantic will be there and declare that he is going to butt fuck a tranny as a way to promote this new air route for Virgin Air (the fact that an airline named Virgin was going to be making trips to Pattaya seemed a little contradictory but no one said anything). Then the party will begin. 50-60 minutes later another plane will land. 50-60 minutes later another plane will land.

With this new service we will be able to fly to South Pattaya direct. No more Bangkok. Works for me. Let the Nigerians and the Arabs and the Japs and the Russians waste their time and their money on the dancing overpriced elephants at the NEP. Times are changing and a sex tourist has to be adaptable. Unless you want to go trolling in Bangkok discos and clubs on the company expense account Bangkok is now yesterday's news. It was fun while it lasted and I have great memories of a city that changed my life. But it is time to move on.

In the words of the great blues guitarist B.B. King:

The thrill is gone
The thrill is gone away
The thrill is gone baby . . . .

You know I'm free, free now baby
I'm free from your spell
Oh I'm free, free, free now
I'm free from your spell
And now that it's all over
All I can do is wish you well

If you are a newbie or an expat I recommend that you download The Thrill Is Gone by B.B.King and play it. Then you will know what it is like to be heading down to Pattaya on a 767 or an Airbus leaving Bangkok behind. Or in my words:

The joy is over honey
I loved you like a whore that pretended to
Love me back
The joy is over honey
I loved every minute
Every minute in the sack
But I'm older honey
And you're lookin' like hell
It's movin' on time
Pattaya time
I wish you well

Embarrassed and humiliated
Scammed and robbed
Even when I was green
I loved the scene
I loved you baby
Loved you like a whore that pretended to love me back

But the joy is over baby
I'm Pattaya bound
Don't look for me at the G-Spot
Or anywhere around
The thrill is gone honey
I'm movin' on
Do you hear that honey?
Hear that sound?
That's me baby and
I'm Pattaya bound

He who travels lightest travels fastest. It is time to get up on top of the train and start throwing off the baggage. Bangkok is nothing but baggage from the past. It is Pattaya's time and my time and your time to grin again in the arms of brown skinned girls who know how to smile and laugh. Pattaya girls. And just like the sex tourists that are adapting; the Pattaya girls will also quickly adapt, and soon find nothing unusual in great aluminum leviathans thundering in from a clear sky and slamming down every 50-60 minutes. High school girls with flat tight stomachs going down the escalator in the Royal Garden Plaza, and local girls sitting on the seawall, and early morning cruisers near Soi 13, and sweet vendors in sois and shops, and bargirls next to Mike's Shopping Mall, and brand new wide-eyed freelancers just in from Isaan will barely blink as another flying bomb with wheels down and flaps down slams and screeches and smashes thru local baht bus and motorcycle and pedestrian and car traffic as it plows down the road/runway. Hey, is life great or what?

Sing Hosanna, Dreams Can Come True.

Stickman's thoughts:

If nothing else, this is original.