Men Behaving Badly
One thing more than anything else never ceases to amaze me in Thailand, and it's the general poor behavior of other men when in Thailand, particularly the single variety who's only aim is to get laid and laid and then laid again, – in one night
that is….!!! Some sex-tourists show no restraint in what they do or want, and will readily go to extremes to satisfy what seems to be the insatiable sex-drive of a rutting rhinoceros in mating season. Old guys too, whose thinning hair &
depleted blood sustained on Viagra, fuels their seemingly permanent hard-ons and lose all sense of reality and responsibility! Forgetting who they are, or who they were in their past and maybe successful lives, drawn down to this. Ex-Lawyers,
Airline Pilots and successful corporate people on the wind-down of their careers, become unwittingly intoxicated on the new found sexual freedom, and for many, becomes their 2nd sexual awakening like none they've ever experienced before.
The awkwardness of those westernised teen school encounters and the constant rebuttals are in the dim and distant past, nothing compares to this, nothing.
Armed with knowledge, life experiences, some bitter, some good, and most of all, money, lots of it…. So why, apparently armed with all this life-experience, money and worldly knowledge, do I see so many blokes literally fall apart at the seams and get the stuffing knocked out of them? Never have I seen so much humanity implode as spectacularly and then unravel itself as in Thailand, namely Bangkok, Pattaya or Phuket, perhaps the three main hot-spots in humanity's smelting-pot.
"Common-sense" is the key to 'survival' in Thailand along with keeping your feet firmly planted in reality, but this seems to depart soooo many at the Arrivals hall in Don Muang Airport, (!?) and so many men become habitual sex-tourists similarly to habitual alcoholism, losing friends, job, credibility and family through their addiction. They begin to lead double-lives of deceit and self-denial possibly walking a treadmill between family responsibilities in their home towns and lurid sexual escapades in trumped-up business trips or Holiday's alone to Thailand… Possibly bound by legal ramifications and jobs to their homes, but torn between tortuous and dysfunctional marriages that died long ago, and the promise of unlimited sexual freedom and conquests in the LOS, a well known fact.
Some leave their well paid respectable jobs to take up more 'embarrassing' positions in Thailand and end up earning about 25% of what they were earning in 'Farangland'. For what? Sex of course, (!) and the universal promise of its unlimited availability around each and every corner. Stickman's website is peppered with stories of desperate farang who've literally "sold their souls to the devil" in as much as giving up everything they ever had or could have, to live in the LOS. For some leaving painful & expensive divorces and lawsuits and family problems, it could be like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire in the long term, – "better the devil you know" is probably forthright here.
Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that Thailand is much better to visit occasionally that to actually live there. There simply isn't the opportunity to earn any real money there unless you are willing to do something totally different (alien) to what your years of training or experience have prepared you for. A problem that becomes more acutely apparent as you get older, and "change" like this becomes more difficult, more of a life-hurdle. It's no problem for some young horny post graduate to get an English-teaching job where he doesn't care or need the money so much, after all, he, or she's got the rest of their lives to 'repair' and put right any 'damage' that they might do to their careers. Not so for the older guy's in their 30's or 40's, let alone 50's, – it's too late to put right any life-mistakes and a trip to Thailand like as above, could be one-way trip to hell more than to paradise…. Being recruited and sent to Thailand with a full and proper expat package is the only way for most to survive. Then guys like these are not normally interested in the naughty nightlife anyway, and some are completely unaware of what Thailand has to offer, and see it as a "third world" hardship posting more than anything else, somewhere to take their wife too. Suddenly this guy's exposed to female predatory values like never before, and he suddenly finds himself amid a hoard of huntresses whose confidence with the opposite sex seems to reign supreme. Thai women aren't necessarily 'easy' but are generally supremely confident and incurably curious about foreigners, and are utterly beguiling in their mannerisms to newbies coming to Thailand for the first time. This goes for women within the professional corporate sector, or even the humble Bar Girls in Soi 3 or Patpong Road. Many western originated marriages have 'evaporated' under this "intolerable strain" put on their spouses by the unending attention from an army of seemingly insatiably curious females, and this is no exaggeration. Men have been known to 'desert' their wives after an innocent family holiday in Thailand to return to the promise of unlimited sex and female (or male for that matter!) availability, it's a powerful force de majure.
Perhaps it's an odd comparison, but visiting Thailand is a bit like going to a Science Fiction Convention. It's interesting, even fascinating, exciting too with loads of goodies and different interesting people and has a heady & nostalgic element to it. The problem is all those other weirdoes similarly attracted to the fabled light, those who dress up as Klingon's or Captain Kirk in full embarrassing Trekkie regalia! What I'm driving at is that other tourists are so often best-avoided at all costs, and their ideas of enjoyment or indulgement in the same thing are probably quite alien to yours! Looking and observing the smelting-pot of humanity that passes through Thailand is likely to reveal the uglier side of human nature if anything at all and I think the Thais react very well to it, given the sheer ugliness of some of the men passing through either in their looks, or general character. Somehow amid this human chaos, romance and love do occasionally blossom, fuelled ironically by the nigh impossible circumstances actually surrounding it, – we all love an impossible against-the-odds love story, and Thailand has spawned so many. I still maintain that there are some decent girls amid the bars & clubs of Thailand, probably about 30% which isn't bad given the sheer number of migratory sex-workers. Experience has taught me too, that the girls purporting to own and run business's, are educated and come from well-to-do families can be as bad as any of the BG's they tell you they loathe…. Beware all ye who enter and are approached by so-called high-society (HI-So) girls, the price tag can be higher, much higher than you could imagine. At the end of the day, few if any self-respecting Thai families are going to even allow their daughter to marry some Farang, quite possibly because of the bad press foreigners deservedly receive in Thailand. Any self-respecting Thai family will want their daughter to marry another Thai similarly disposed, that is their ancient tradition and they don't need money necessarily, so their traditions aren't overruled by financial necessity as is more the case in urban society. In fact, Hi-So girls aren't that at all, they're probably country girls that have made it good, some element of success and have "re-designed themselves" above their past ill-nature or circumstances. Putting it simply, a "Leopard never changes its spots"…. beware.
Hi-So girls are generally good actresses and socialites with all the clothing and refinery expected with any well-financed girl but can have quite ruthless tendencies and could teach a thing or two to many an accomplished Western gold digger you may ever have encountered. Her Jeep Grand-Cherokee or BMW hasn't in most cases been earned with hard and honest work, but is more likely to be the bi-product of working on her back for years prior… Or is leased up to the hilt on some highly precarious financial arrangement that now requires an army of farang sponsors to upkeep it repayments! I know, I'm cynical aren't I? <I disagree completely. Hi-so girls' toys are usually paid for by their VERY wealthy family. If they are real "hi-so", they have a heap of money and a BMW purchase request won't make Daddy's heart miss a beat – Stick> Well, not without just cause and some experience too. Appearance is everything in Thailand or throughout S.E. Asia for that matter, and families from run-down areas of Bangkok may have a gleaming Mercedes while Granny's chained to some sewing machine 24 hours a day working to keep up the repayments as with the rest of the family. Some will do almost anything to show the world they've "made it" on the precarious society ladder, rigging their finances like a teetering unstable Christmas tree in order to keep 'face' value, at all costs.
It's a two-sided coin this human behavior thing, and one is left to ponder as to whom is worst, the foreigners or the women whom acquiesce to serve them and their sexual desires. One could say they even "deserve" one another…. !
There's an old saying that states; "Don't get mad get even" but there's probably nowhere more unsuitable for this methodology than in Thailand. Sure, the Thais will practice this themselves and are masters at it. BUT, just YOU try upsetting a few locals and see what happens. Things can and do go horribly wrong though when Westerners apply this above rule of revenge toward Thais in some form of 'vengeance' for a relationship gone sour or wrong, or for money embezzled. So many foreigners ignorant of Thai culture and society indulge in fruitless revenge tactics against their former spouses or Teeruks just to get even. It's a folly of course, and a course of action best avoided at all costs as it will often only serve to make matters worse, infinitely worse…. I'm amazed at how many men will embark on this "I'm not gonna let her get one over on me" mentality revenge tactic which really is a momentous waste of time and effort in a far-flung foreign land. Similarly, as the rather pathetic caricature "Peter" in Stephen Leather's Private Dancer novel, you can almost plot the beginning of his demise as a somewhat vulnerable farang sucked into a whirlpool of lies and deceit against the very object of his obsession and the girl he claimed he loved. The cunning cruelty he visits upon her in his disproportionate revenge games to satisfy his own revenge-lust at the cost of his career, credibility, and sanity, has to be read to be perceived… There but for the grace of God go we, and there's definitely a profound message to be found between the pages of this underrated novel that should be heeded. It should be mandatory reading to any aspiring would-be sex tourist that is perhaps "emotionally fragile" and overly susceptible to women or sexually inexperienced. Thailand is often not the answer to a messy or acrimonious divorce if you're not emotionally 'in charge'. The LOS can actually further perpetuate your slippery downfall if you're not careful…. It's infinitely better to swallow your pride and just 'walk away' from any notions of "revenge" and look forward to another day, another conquest, similarly as the subject character of Stephen Leather's book should have done so but to his great cost.
The number of naive farang who come to Thailand armed with money and little more, (No common sense) who demand obedience are in for one helluva a shock, and often it's not the girl that turns out to be their unseen enemy, but themselves. Men are their own worst enemies with their absolute naivety that the BG's consciously or subconsciously 'prey on'.
Not with vindictiveness, but prey on all the same as it's abundantly available to them and a great "game" to play. If they can 'play you' – they will, and the more naive you are the better for them. The quicker you're able learn, stand-back and take note, the quicker "you can level the playing field" as it were to your distinct advantage…. Being polite and well dressed will win hearts and minds of the girls all over, whatever background they're from, whether it be Hi-So or BG's, whatever…. Speaking some Thai will help no-end and you don't need to be at full conversational level either, but "show you are trying" merely will be enough to break down many barriers. Thai women are inherently suspicious of fluent Thai-speaking Farang, particularly BG's who then know they've been heavily exposed to Thai culture. Similarly in fact, as and when we meet a BG who speaks near-perfect English, we automatically assume she's then obviously had high exposure to Farang, – this however, can have good and bad connotations depending on which way you look at it. I know many Farang who speak Thai seemingly very well, or so they think, (!) while the girls giggle, flirt and talk back, but it's so often just a mixture of male bravado, bad grammar and total bullshit designed to captivate a female quarry, nothing more, nothing less. While some Farang 'use' their Thai for more genuine purposes, equally, many use it for malpurposes simply to further perpetuate their own sexual fulfilment, it's so often merely used as a clumsy chat-up tool to which many Thai women can see right through. Perhaps I'm describing the 'negative' side of speaking and learning Thai, as indeed I have seen and experienced, but would salute those who have 'mastered' spoken or written Thai for more honourable and professional reasons. I salute those whom have genuinely immersed themselves in Thailand's rich and diverse culture of which has so much to offer.
Sad to say, but some self respecting Thai families wouldn't dream of allowing their cosseted & educated daughter to marry a foreigner, least of all some Farang, in part because of the relatively poor press Farang get and in some cases deserve. Thai families on the whole will only allow a Farang into their family unit for financial gain, or as a means to an end rather than ever fully accepting that Farang into their family's inner nucleus, and will often thereafter be referred to as 'the Farang' as many have found to their cost. Unfortunately, taking on a Thai girl means taking on her family too, and supporting them whether directly or indirectly, because any money you give her goes to her number one priority, her family. Sadly, it's invariably not you…. Thus the root-cause of so many conflicts here, is the girl's priority and the fact that fidelity plays second-fiddle to financial priorities that we hold so dear in Western society as a whole. Thai girls do fall in love, and this itself can cause problems when their somewhat immature feelings override their family's insatiable desire for money and support, and she can often be 'forced into' taking on more than one sponsor at any one time to support this money-lust, even though she may really be in love with one individual…. When HE finds out about the other sponsors and that his dear GF is cheating on him, he goes ballistic and throws her out while she goes into emotional melt-down, but all her pleas fall on deaf ears, he's had enough and she loses out. So, it CAN be a 2-way street, and I often believe a girls' worst enemy can be her own family, so remember this if she's of the good-sort. If a girl truly loves you, she'll 'filter' and water-down her family's requests for money to alleviate as much pressure on her boyfriend as she can. She'll be open and transparent with you, account for every Dollar you spend on her, and you'll be more 'welcomed' into the inner family unit, not greeted as an rank 'outsider' who's simply referred to as "Farang" Yes, you'll hear this word used hundreds of times in family get-together conversations over sticky rice etc, because we're ingrained in their culture as much as we like or dislike, (!) and the term "Farang" isn't necessarily a derogatory term. It's quite often used as a term of affection too by many Thai's whom aren't even culturally aware of its connotations when heard or received by us. Foreigners will often become rude and insulting sometimes simply because they don't understand this profound casual usage. However, as long as your GF's family refer to you as "Mr John" or the more formal and polite term as "Khun John" for example – and use your name, there's really no problem. "Farang" simply isn't used by Thai's in the same context as we westerners use "Foreigner" to describe just that, and it's worse coming from our own mouths than that of any Thai. So many Farang become rude and abusive because of the most basic cultural misunderstandings and this often innocuously used word "Farang" although I myself, would not want to be continuously referred to as, with people I know well and interact with on a regular basis.
Thais have a whole different concept to money, and rather than buy her a present similarly as you'd buy a western girlfriend, Gold or money are far more appreciated to any Thai lady, as Gold for example is worn and is a 'label' of wealth and prosperity, which in itself, can be sold on if necessary when times get tough. Owning and wearing Gold to a Thai girl from an urban background means she's one step further away from abject poverty, and this is apart from simply wearing an object of affection from a boyfriend, and elevates her "face" value to her friends and peers. Any Thai girls loves to 'boast' she has a boyfriend, and will underscore this by asking him to buy Gold for her more than anything else. A Farang "boyfriend" to her however, probably isn't quite the same in terms of fidelity and longevity as he is probably more accustomed to back home. It has to be remembered though, that even in our own western countries there are good and bad women, gold-diggers, vamps, tramps, – and thankfully some really nice girls but where divorce and separation can virtually destroy us financially with heavy legal burdens and child-support or alimony. Western women generally look upon Asian women with certain element of disdain it can be said. Any western man who engages in sex with those Asian women is possibly viewed as 'damaged goods' to their western women friends thereafter, but then perhaps these very same western women should take a closer look at themselves, and their own practices and ask as to why so many western men prefer the Asian variety. (!?)
At the end of the lived-long day, we can walk away from a failed relationship in Thailand, and there's probably another waiting just around the corner anyway, right?
A disheartened American guy in Pattaya's Lucky Star Bar Beer once lamented to me; "Look at 'em all, they hate us really, – they're just screwing us for money, that's all". No prizes for guessing or realising that I thought, (!) – but countered; "I'll let you into a secret, – they're doing that back home too in actual fact…."
Some might argue that Western women generally speaking, are too liberated, too self-centred and self obsessed and 'demand' so much from a man as to make him feel insecure, or inadequate as to her demands. An argument so often aired in bars around Thailand when faced with so many accommodating young girls where comparisons are drawn either consciously or subconsciously. I still prefer Asian women whole-heartedly, and my chemical reactions are different when faced with a western or Asian female, and my interest always peaks when looking at an S.E. Asian female. There so much more 'manageable' and tolerant to any defects I might have without analyzing every little personality trait of mine, and see a little deeper beneath the surface than a western women's popularly conceived commercial concept of what a man should look like and be like. While Thai women's tastes might leave a lot to be desired, they make their farang spouses feel so much more at ease with themselves in their company than with western women, especially those they don't know well or have just met. Right from the beginning, a S.E. Asian women is far more likely to put her spouse at ease with their beguiling charm and apparent serenity and generally go for older, more established men as age begets wisdom in Asian culture and beliefs. Thailand for example is a level-playing-field as far as age is concerned, and it's often the older man that gets the rewards in the long run than his younger hornier counterparts in hot pursuit, it's a fact not fiction. However, some Farang might wince in abject horror if he/they could see some of the uglier Farang that she might hook up with in his absence, especially whereby financial gain is the only object of the exercise.
Men often pay for sex, it's no big deal and least of all a secret, but the more gullible believe they can forcibly "buy strict loyalty" too…. Well, 'loyalty' my learned friends can't be bought, well, not for long anyway, but this will not deter hoards of blokes from trying. The many who leave and send loads of money after just one or two visits to the LOS are kidding themselves, and only 1 out of a hundred cases are likely to be genuine with a happy ending. In 999 cases out of 1000 she'll be receiving money and seeing other sponsors, – even if she does care about you!! The sooner you accept this ugly fact, the sooner you might appreciate what you're letting yourself in for, and this goes for many Thai girls, pretty much across the board, and for those in seemingly good jobs. If you can accept this or live with it, you're halfway there to nirvana but whoever told you that road would be smooth and straight?
Loyalty cannot be simply "paid for", it has to be a two-way street whereby trust is an important part. Similarly to Western women, if you give a Thai girl openness, transparency and security through honesty and the former, she'll more likely give you her true affections if she's a nice or decent enough type of girl. The 'magic' word here is probably "security" that uncommon Holy Grail of emotions for any aspiring girl, yes, even western ones. Security doesn't automatically come without money alone though, and while security cannot be bought, it is earned…. If she's utterly unappreciative and making you feel like an ATM machine on legs, it isn't worth it, so ditch her fast….. If she's pulling out all the stops to make things easier for you be fending off the family's requirements, then there's a chance, just a chance, that she's genuinely fond of you. Things could grow then from there, – but be prepared for an expensive relationship all the same.
"Sponsoring" a girl is probably one-step up from the usual pay and leave scenario or the pay for sex in its traditional form persey, and a lot of guy's are more 'comfortable' with this arrangement when there's something that resembles a more substantial relationship beforehand. It's a case of "different strokes for different folks" and neither party should balk nor criticise the other in their aims, it's "each to their own". In my own past experience though, you can be seeing 3-4 different girls or 'juggling' but yet sense a deep and profound loneliness or emptiness in doing so. No matter how many "relationships" or mere liaisons you have, if they're shallow, it means nothing, zippo, zilch, nada, and is a profoundly underwhelming experience if not totally pointless. IF you can have a more 'solid' arrangement or relationship, then all the better, – providing you can adapt and understand your lady's needs, – and those of her family too, that are so important to her. If her family's happy then she's likely to be too. Even if she does repeatedly complain about them!!
I've personally 'sponsored' an Indonesian girlfriend (Javanese) now for some 3.5 years and can see another 3.5 years together if marriage doesn't follow, (?) and wouldn't change this situation for anything if could be helped. While I still have a love of Thailand, its culture and yes, its women too, (!) I have been shown something else quite special and wholly more rewarding in Indonesia more recently, – and yes, have been lucky too. If forced to make a comparison between Thai and Indonesian girls/women, I'd have to say I've found the Indonesians, Javanese & Balinese women as a whole even more outgoing, humorous and slightly better educated overall and more aware of their surroundings than their Thai 'sisters' who invariably come from the country districts.
While you may still not be able to sit down and discuss international economics or Einstein's theory of relativity, the conversation's generally more flowing and the Indonesians are more accomplished English speakers than Thais generally speaking. This subject alone would warrant another submission in itself, so I will leave it at that for now and try to behave myself in the meantime! I can't account for the Indonesian education system but it seems to reach farther into the masses than in Thailand where so many slip entirely through the educational 'net'….
Sadly men don't behave any better in Indonesia or say Bali, it's much of the same really amid abundantly available women and Indonesia too has its fare share of white trash amid the more respectable kind of tourist's 'professionals' and ex-pats. It seems wherever you'll find Asian women, you'll find men behaving badly in various forms…. (!)
A submission on Indonesian women would be interesting.