Readers' Submissions

GC & DPP LPC

  • Written by Thai Ties
  • July 15th, 2005
  • 6 min read


GC & DDP LPC


Dana’s Pattaya airport plan : I have discussed this with Dana and we are in agreement to form the above named company.

We feel that it carries sufficient weight and authority and would never be questioned by the Counter Corruption Committee or Securities Commission.

Being a TAP, (Total Aviation Person), I feel that I could offer a better suggestion and one which could be infinitely more profitable for us.

What we have to do is speak to the 'Unusually Rich' persons around the Eastern Seaboard and make a presentation thus: Of course we would make a very nice presentation at a flash hotel and hint at the loot to be made from a mega project like this. Here’s what we do then:

We level Pattaya; Flatten it. We leave zilch, zero, not a thing. All gone, everything.
We relocate the tarts and farangs to a refugee camp in Chonburi, (they pay of course for the privilege but less than for a hotel room – and naturally we get 5% each from this completed project)

This is also a humanitarian project as they would all be living at ground level and therefore unable to throw themselves out of the upper floors of various establishments.

Of course the camp has to be constructed, we consult the tenders for this, naturally on a commission basis from the successful bid winner.

We then build an airport on Sukhumvit Road with the periphery of the airport reaching to within 1 Km of Beach road. Having flattened anything on Sukhumvit also.

Now, think of all the lovely kickbacks that one can accrue from construction companies, suppliers, radar and air traffic installations, drainage companies………whooo….the list goes on.

At 5% each naturally, for us. As ‘Consultancy Fees’.

Then we start to negotiate landing rights, and route licences with the airlines. Naturally as the negotiators with the International CAA and with the Thai CAA we would expect certain gratuities to be paid – again on a percentage of expected revenue, and, paid in advance.

Now as Pattaya has been levelled, what we need to do is arrange a whole bunch of bars, restaurants and hotels located within a 2Km by 1 Km zone. This will avoid the need for Baht buses as everyone can walk. If they cannot walk we will employ porters with sedans to carry them. This will cost the tourist a small fee of which 5% will be paid to us by the porters on a monthly basis.

The Baht bus drivers will have been sold to a Soviet gulag for labour and re-education purposes.

Hopefully in Siberia. In winter. Wearing only tee shirts and shorts.

The empty Baht buses will be re-cycled into something useful. Again we will handle this project on a commission basis of 5% each.

Now the airport design has to be considered ;

Once having disembarked, gone through Immigration, Caucasians requiring no visa, Muslims having to sign a declaration that they will not imbibe of alcohol or prostitutes or drugs as per their learning of the Koran on pain of summary execution by either ourselves or an appointed delegate, again we will put this position out to tender and on a basis of our 5% each.

If it’s O.K., in Saudi Arabia then why not in ‘Our Paradise’?

Next stop is Customs ; There are no checks as are there are far more drugs leave Thailand
than actually are imported.

The whole world seems to know this apart from successive Thai governments.

The arrivals hall is approx 1/2 Km long leading directly to the renamed, "Strip".

On exit from the airport there is nothing to be seen but hotels built within a ten minute walk. Another ten minute walk you get to the bars.

Then after another ten minutes walk you get to the restaurants, all of which overlook the sea.

All the beach vendors will have been sent to the borders to work in mine clearing projects, (given that Thailand put a lot of the damn things there anyway, and as we know all Thais are peace loving patriots.)

Those restaurants, hotels and bars will need staff to be interviewed ; So we need an employment agency. A job finding fee will have to be paid. Run by us naturally. 5% each, right?

Naturally some of the girls will need to be interviewed on more personal terms – maybe shy or something, but I am sure a deal can be done.

The farangs and tarts in Chonburi will be used to help construct the hotels, airport runways etc. They will be given three bags of rice and whatnot per day plus water and nam pla or nam pla phrik. In the evenings they would each be given two large bottles of Chang.
On Sundays they get a day off and either a weiner sausage or a pie. Plus three bottles of Chang.

Anyone who complains is immediately sent back to Farangland to enjoy a life of damp, cold, misery with the daily attentions of hatchet faced women.

Every month, every business will donate 10% of their takings to a charitable educational foundation.

We will manage this foundation at a salary of 10% of takings per month as our expenses.

This includes the airport authorities, the hotels, the bars and the restaurants.

Any person willing to invest will have to pay a ‘Consultancy Fee’, this fee being based on 5% of their proposed investment.

Naturally, the 'Unusually Rich', will have their own agenda but we will all use the same lawyer and keep in close contact with each other.

All girls working in bars would be required to carry an I.D. with (Our), valid visa to be employed in a bar, or place of entertainment, and a stamp would be entered into the book every time she or he or an indeterminate other is bar fined.

2% of every bar girl's salary will also have to deducted in the interests of upcountry education, this would also include 2% of their extra curricular fees.

They would be given a choice – tax, or, our tax?

If they choose to pay national tax and therefore have a real job then their visa to work in our Shangri La would be withdrawn, leaving them no option but to go and work on Poppa's farm weeding rice as they so much love to do for 50 Baht per day.

On exit from the Arrivals lounge, the farang pays 500 Baht to enter the country. (We go 50/50 with Immigration on this one.)

They will see the bright lights, they will have read Stick. Perhaps we could charge them 1500?

No-one is allowed to stay for more than ten days ; More flights, more landing fees – we get 5% (each), from the airport authorities so it makes sense to bring em’ in. Our local economy gets their money then tells them to sod off. They’ll have had a good time and be saving for the return trip as soon as they get home.

Departure has no tax. Overstayers can sort their own problems out.

After all, when they leave they are broke anyway.

Now, I reckon that over the five year life of this project we could make a fortune so Dana I will start on the formal proposition to the authorities this evening using suitably technical terms, grammatical complexities and bullshit. We will need some translators to begin so we can start by putting this particular contract out to tender in the first instance. 5% each, right?

Stickman's thoughts:

Thai Ties and Dana in business together?