Readers' Submissions

Another 7 Days In Thailand

  • Written by Anonymous
  • March 10th, 2005
  • 4 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

By A Celeb


Hi again, my precious darlings! Another break in proceedings here in Santa Maria, so I thought I would use the time to complete my journal about my wonderful time in LOS (I already feel like a seasoned traveller).

After my amazing meeting with D (I love you), I needed to give my sensitive body a break and decided to abstain from any form of intimacy for the day. A good long walk and meeting more of the adorable locals should do the trick I thought. Off I went down Beach Road again, just evading D as he approached with another assortment of hardware and food. Practised my moonwalk and bowed and waied to all the cripples and urchins which seemed to really make their day, as all around I could hear howls of laughter! I love bringing so much joy to the world! I was so engrossed in everything around me that before I realised it, I was well and truly lost.

Hot and melting, I tried to ask a few people how to get back to my hotel, but they all backed off. What was I to do?? Then my Knight in Shining Armour appeared! His trusty steed was actually a Honda Dream and seeing me in such obvious distress he stopped to see if he could help. What a delightful man! Mr F said he knew the way to my hotel, but he still had some research to do and if I accompanied him he would drop me off later. What strange deviant acts awaited me this time I thought as visions of D and his arts flashed through my mind, making my knees weak. I really had no options and hopped on the back (side-saddle as I had seen the many ladies do) and off we roared. Actually I was really enjoying the breeze through my beautiful hair and the firm masculine feel of my rescuer. Born to be wild. Mr F seemed to know his way around and after taking a few side roads we ended up on a rutted road going up the side of a gentle mountain. Holding on more tightly than I needed to we bumped and bounced our way up. Luckily I had decided to wear my studded butt plug that day, so it was a very enjoyable trip. Suddenly Mr F stopped and we both clambered off the Dream. Was this the place where my Knight and I would consummate ??

"I need you to give me a hand", said Mr F in his soft voice.

"Anything you wish" I stuttered gazing in anticipation at this rugged well travelled man.

He asked me to go down on my hands and knees and began to look through his rucksack.

"What a beauty!!" he breathed huskily, and chills went through my body in shuddering spasms.

Then a few strange things happened? Mr F took a tape measure and with me holding the end he began to measure the pothole in front of me. He measured the diameter, depth and even took samples of the water within and photos from various different angles. My knees were aching when he finally finished and flushed with excitement he loaded all his gear and we got back onto his moto. The trip down was a lot quicker, only this time I never held him so tightly. I was so disappointed! Back at the hotel I attempted to give my jaded hero a quick peck on the lips for his help, but he dropped the visor on his helmet and removed a sizeable piece of my nose. Thoughts of looking like my original self made me burst into tears and clutching the severed piece of proboscal matter I rushed up to my room.

With the help of the hotel maintenance man, superglue and loads of base and make-up, we finally got my nose back in place. I took a nap and on awakening decided that I would spend a night out on the town and meet some people from back home as my language had degenerated to speaking in short staccato verses. Well I sure enough met some weird and wonderful men that night! It seemed like I was gazing into some elite club, names like Claymore, Simon Templar, Caveman, and even a Strange Australian couple. There was also a Frozen Falang who I tried to help when he passed out. I had read that the quickest way to restore body temperature was to engage in sexual activity. However nothing I tried could revive this comatose man, so I slipped a local girl some baht to take him to his hotel. I was also scrutinized by another man, humming Frank Zappa songs, but I pretended to not have a Cent. One gent spent the entire night sucking on the breasts of a girl called Wan, another was climbing the highest trees he could find. There were slow learners, Boners and many anonymous people in that fascinating Motley Crue of humanity. I certainly hoped that I could leave my mark. I was and still am Tongue Thai'd!!

All too soon my time in this wonderful country ended, and like clockwork my now familiar friends in brown appeared and escorted me back to Bangkok and to my spacious seats in the back of the plane. I wanted to keep the bracelet as a memento, but they said they needed it for a possible visit by George M. I bowed deeply and waied my wonderful friends off the plane (I love you) had myself strapped in, drank my water and awoke in Neverland. My Mickey Mouse watches in my home always seem to generate a laugh, as visitors normally ask me what time is bedtime here, and I say "when the big hand touches the little hand!"

Gotta run, the nasties are calling me again…..Love you all !!!

Lakhon

M

Stickman's thoughts:

Magic!