Stickman Readers' Submissions August 4th, 2004

Visit To England, Part 4 – The Second Month

Language, Language, language – yes, it’s all becoming clearer now. When you decide to bring your girl over, the biggest issue for her is going to be your local language, whatever it may be.

She is constantly asked the basics – how do you find England, do you miss Thailand etc, and I’ve constantly listened to “I am 95% happy, but want to understand more English” Then 9 times out of 10, the person asking finishes talking to her for the evening because in just those few minutes, he or she has decided this is too much like hard work. It’s been the biggest obstacle throughout these first 2 months.

He Clinic Bangkok

I believe she speaks good English, I mean we understand each other 95% of the time. A combination of my pigeon English, and hers, gets us by, but many of your mates or even your family won’t have your level of patience, and will give up just at the same moment your girl decides to open up a bit, and talk to them. Those that really do want to get to know your girlfriend will persist, and their reward is that she is happy for you and her to go out with that person again, but those that ignore her she discourages you from seeing. For her, the English classes, the children’s books etc have been and will continue to be invaluable.

I have to add I thought she would have no problem. I felt her English was good enough to get by, but it’s a combination of pronunciation, and understanding, and whilst she understands, she can’t always reply clearly, – for instance the other evening I made the mistake of glancing at a beautiful woman whilst sat outside a bar, I explained that I felt obliged to look at the menu when it walked past, but of course I could not order – She then said, what if the order was free? and I laughed, and said I’d have to have a small taster of course– she told me I was in big “Table” when I got home.

Of course she meant trouble, but next time you speak to your girl, ask her to say trouble – it comes out “table”. Now this wouldn’t normally matter, and though the conversation was prior to “Table” light hearted banter, it became horribly troublesome there after, because my pal and I all leapt on “Table” with comments like – You’ll be in table too, and I have a table headache last night, and so on. So of course she went off the rail, but then made the mistake of saying I was now in big big table when I got home so of course we were doubled up. Thankfully she calmed down, but you can imagine the scene – loud screams of “No” and “Stop that” etc.

CBD bangkok

We’ve spent some time with friends/customers of mine that met her in Thailand, that travelled around with us previously, and they have been the best days we’ve had together. She’s on friendly ground with people who understand her completely. Know her background, know how to speak clearly for her to understand, and when we’re all together, she is little Miss Thailand – a beacon to those that follow, a treasure to behold and best of all, those days completely dispel any fears I’ve had about the future – given time, and better English, these days will become many, rather than the few. Those friends are the ones that see us together, and know why we are together.

Those that see her as my girlfriend, and someone they should get to know, but needn’t go to the trouble are the ones we’re spending less and less time with.

OK, How about this for a story – A pal of mine has just been telling me about his bargirl.

He’s been with her for about 3 months, she drinks like a fish, gambles, and she’s a maniac in bed, she also bleeds him dry financially and emotionally, and guess what, 3 weeks ago he found out she’s been seeing another man behind his back. I ask you, they’ve only been together a few weeks, and she’s shagging someone else already!?

wonderland clinic

After smashed bottles, and shouting and screaming, (both of them) he told me he wouldn’t finish with her, but rather, put it behind him and try to forget it. He had a holiday organized with her, and he thought he would give her one last chance. She promised to stop seeing this other guy, and he even spoke to the guy on the phone, and he claimed he hadn’t realized she had another boyfriend – he also promised to stop seeing her.

They got back from holiday and hey-presto, they got engaged, and are set to be married on the 16th October! Less than 6 months after first meeting, and much of the 6 months spent apart. Sound familiar??

Now, just one more thing – she’s English – She works weekends in a bar in my town, and lives away at college during the week! This isn’t a Thai/Farang story – this is my next-door neighbor in England.

So, what else is new – money has been fun. I’m absolutely skint at the moment – my divorce is coming through and I’ve had to pay a fortune in final solicitors costs, I also just paid quite a considerable sum for a weeks holiday in August for my kids and my girl to have a holiday together, and what did she say to me when I refused to buy a takeaway last week – yes, I’m tight!

When she realized I took offence, she said she was only joking!

She moans that I don’t give her any money – if she wants something, she only has to ask. She has a little cash from me from time to time – perhaps £5 here or £10 there, but why does she need more cash? We eat together I pay. We go shopping together I pay – so why does she need it? <because she doesn’t want to feel TOTALLY dependent on you! – Stick> If she goes out with my sister or the friend she has, I give her money, and never worry about the change – in fact she saves the change. She says she wants to “put in bank and save when she’s back”. And that’s why she says she wants money – so she can save it in the bank when she gets back. What for? “Only to save” she says. So when she asked me for a new mobile phone the other day, a £300 one that plays DVD’s, Videos, has a built in Playstation, and is also a Toasted sandwich maker all in one, I said, save for one.

I said she had saved money already, why doesn’t she use that to buy one, but again, “THAT MONEY” is for her bank when she gets back, and I should buy her a new phone. Now, whilst it may be said that because I said no, I am “Tight” as she puts it, let me clarify that she has had 4 phones already in the time I’ve known her. The first one, she had when I met her, she smashed in a temper tantrum, the second one she smashed in a temper tantrum, but it still worked, so she gave it to her mum – I paid 11,000 baht for that one. The Third I paid 14,000 for, and that was stolen from her and the fourth I paid nearly 1000 baht for, the cheapest I could find. It accepts calls, and makes calls, like all the others, but it wont do all the other tricks, so she wants a new one, and I’m not going to buy it for her.

Anyway, enough about mobile phones let us talk about fruit machines.

Let me explain, as this is going to be a “must have” for you. When I left my ex, or disserted her, as her solicitor put it, I decided every birthday and Xmas I would buy myself a selfish present – a man present – so I made a list – things like remote control cars, a scaletrix set, and taking my motorbike test. I also fancy putting a Harley or Duccati in my dining room, lots of things like that – well, my first purchase was a fruit machine. Yep, a proper fruit machine with a £15.00 Jackpot (2nd hand cost about £100 – 7,500 baht) and aside from giving me a couple of nights entertainment before I got bored with it (I knew I would, it was why my ex wife said I couldn’t have one in the first place, it was why the bitch never let me buy anything “You’ll only get bored with it” she’d say, and I’d say, “but I’ve always wanted a mini executive desk top pool table” the cow) it is giving my girl night after nights entertainment – it’s a good money box too!! She often declares “I win, I win” and proceeds to fill the machine up again – remarkable entertainment for her – if they ever legalise them in Thailand – they’ll be on every street corner, in every bar and club, in every hotel room. Perhaps someone might chance an import or two into Thailand with me?

I think its possible they’ll even replace the TV for entertainment during sex.

Dana may enjoy this one – Dana, imagine this if you will – you’re just about to climax, your at that point when you know her mobile is going to ring, or she’s just about to change channels on the TV, when suddenly, a whole load of lights light up the room, a fan fair of joyful music fills the air, and she punches her fists to the air and shouts “Jackpot, Jackpot”. Fantastic ehh?

My Fridge/Freezer packed up last week.

We were about to leave for a trip to Liverpool – I have another business up there, and usually just drive there once a week, but this time I needed to stay over for a couple of nights, so my girl and I booked into a hotel, and decided to take an extra day to look around together – as it turned out a pal of mine joined us who knew Liverpool better than me, in fact he is a member of the Good beers fraternity, so he knew where we could find some very good ales, so of course we went on a pub crawl. We took in all the historical sites, including the “Cavern” which is were the Beetles used to play, and Lulu used to be the cloakroom attendant (My girl had never heard of the Beetles, nor Lulu) along with several other very good pubs, including one that Mr Hitler once frequented whilst at Liverpool University, I think he was studying English (My girl had never heard of Hitler) anyway, a wonderful trip culminating in 12 of us (Some of my other staff) at a Thai restaurant which is another story entirely, as we were fairly drunk by this stage. So back to my fridge – about 2 hours before we left my girl decides to whip up some food from the leftovers in the fridge – all the stuff that needed eating before we went away – when she opened the fridge the light was off. It was obvious then that the freezer was off as well, and had been for a few hours, as the ice in the ice trays was melting. I pulled the fridge out a little, and studied the cables – I flicked the on off switch up and down a few times (I’m not very good at anything electrical, nor plumbing, nor DIY in general actually – give me a letter to write to the Queen and I’m your man – give me a hammer, and I have to hand it to a proper man, as my ex would say – bitch) – I took the plug apart, and changed the fuse, but still it wouldn’t work, I decided the thermostat had probably gone, and I needed a new fridge freezer. My neighbor was away, and we didn’t have time to go anywhere else, so we bundled everything up into black bags (After eating as much as we could) and chucked it all away. When we returned from Liverpool I ordered a new one, and on the day it was to arrive I pulled the fridge freezer right out. It was at this point that I noticed the cable and plug I’d been playing with was actually not the fridge, but a load of cupboard lights who’s bulbs had long since blown – the fridge cable ran behind the kitchen cupboards – I followed the cable to my broom cupboard and it was there that I noticed the handle of the kitchen brush resting against the off switch – yes it would appear my girl had done a little brushing up, and flicked the off switch with the handle. She of course denied this, so I can only put it down to the friendly ghost we have that puts the odd red underwear into the whites wash, and the white underwear into the darks wash, that puts the dishwasher on, and removes the tablet in the machine just after it’s started so everything comes back greasy etc. (Bless her – I didn’t want a domesticated beast, I didn’t want a slave around the house, I wanted that golden skin in my bed, and that butter won’t melt smile around me – give her a wok to cook with or a bath full of hot water to do the washing, and she’s at home – give her a microwave oven, and your microwave meal will be frozen on the inside, and burnt to a crisp on the outside – and it will never be her fault – she’s of course getting better)

Oh, here is a good one for you – my accountant just called me to congratulate me – apparently I just had a £50.00 mobile phone bill…. Brilliant, I’m overjoyed. Why, you may ask, am I overjoyed about a phone bill, well I’ll just to put this into perspective for you. My mobile phone bills last year totaled £7,000 – yes, over half a million baht – or 43,000 baht per month, and I was using phone cards much of the time! (90% of this was calling my girl in Thailand) I used to call 3 or 4 times a day, and when I missed a call, she’d call me – I wasn’t being possessive, it’s just the way we were together. It played an important part in getting to know her! Well, I don’t have a better excuse anyway. (It’s got to be better than once a month, or an email – how the hell do you know what she’s up to if you email her? – anyway, phone cards now get you a call to Thailand for around 7 baht a minute)

And before you ask what do we talk about, the answers sometimes nothing at all for an hour, sometimes everything in 10 minutes.

Right, I had better get back to what’s happening with me and my lady – actually, I can call her “Flossy” from now on. That’s the name my children have given her – they can’t remember her first name, so they call her Flossy, which she’s quite happy with (– Floss is actually the inside soft bit in Broad Beans and other plants, so it’s not an objectionable name.)

Hairdressers – watch yourself here – Flossy went for her first cut and blow dry the other day, and came back crying and not at the £21 – 1575 baht bill, but because frankly I could have done a better job with some garden shears. I made the mistake of sending her to the salon with one of the girls in my office (A good salon never the less)– I explained to her what she wanted, but the first thing they did was cut too much off, and secondly they didn’t layer it nicely – it looked like a cut my 10 year old gets from her mother (Bitch). Anyway Flossy then booked in to the top hairstylist in my town now – he interviewed her before giving her an appointment, and when I tried to explain what she actually wanted, he waved his hands in the air, and said to me “Darling, I do hope your not about to tell me how to cut this beautiful woman’s hair??” – I of course backed off, and she of course had a fantastic cut for £30 – 2250 baht, and is going back for a colour – god knows how much that will cost – in about 20 minutes time.

So my advice, follow her to the hairdressers, make sure it’s a good one, and explain fully what she wants. (Or get it cut in Thailand before you leave, and only get maximum a 1month visa)

It’s been a very good month – this past weekend she told me was the best weekend yet. On Saturday we lounged around, watched a couple of movies, went for a walk, I played my Xbox while she painted her nails. She wanted to cook for my pal and I in the evening, which was excellent, and we went out and met up with some friends Saturday night. She got drunk and along with her friend enjoyed lots of flirting.

Sunday morning we woke up early with hangovers, and went off to the beach for the day with some other friends. We took her to an amusement arcade for the first time (Full of games and gambling machines)– I tried to tell her £0.02p was not important when it got jammed in a fruit machine – she hit the machine that hard that I thought the alarm would go off, but still couldn’t retrieve her 2p, she then tried to force another coin on top of that and punch the eject button as hard as she could at the same time, and then followed that forlorn attempt with another until that got stuck, now basically they will need drop it from the pier, about 80ft up, before they’ll get those coins out. (She looked rather upset at loosing £0.06p! – less than 5 baht)

She found another game which shuffles coins about – you drop your coin – in this case £0.10p, into a slot, and it drops onto a shelf, then hopefully this nudges a few other coins off that shelf onto another, which hopefully nudges coins off that shelf (bloody hell, I’m sure I must bore you to tears with this shit sometimes?) into your win box. She liked this game a lot, and knocked lots of coins off until she got bored, and once again banged the machine until the coins dropped out. I caught her smashing her fist against the side of another machine, and she looked back in glee as another load of coins dropped down. Again I waited for alarms, but she got away with this as well.

Things turned pear shaped when she then made the mistake of climbing into one of those roller coaster rides in a box – you climb into a mini space vehicle looking thing with hydraulic arms, and hinges and things (Sorry, I’m not into technical stuff) which spins around upside down and round and round with you inside looking at a video of you in a roller coaster, and the machine mimics the ride – you could hear her screams and laughter 50 miles away, but when she got out, she looked very green, and wanted to leave! She built sandcastles, then a sand woman (I enclose a picture if Stick can download it) then watched and laughed as someone left their car on the beach as the tide came in, until it wasn’t a laughing matter anymore!

We finished the weekend with a plateful of fish and chips out of newspaper, just as it should be, and she had no problem eating it.

A good weekend had by all, and we crept into bed at 10pm Sunday night exhausted, but with rosy red cheeks, and a smile.

Anyway, I’ve received some great emails this month – thanks again for all your comments and good wishes. (Except one twat that loves sending viruses to me – I bet he can’t get a shag in Patpong with 50,000 baht in his pocket – yes, you know who you are you pillow biter!)

One particular piece of advice I put into action as soon as I read it. As you may know from my previous submission, I have struggled to get my girl to talk much about how she feels. An email came in suggesting that Thais are brought up to hide their feelings, and that I’d need to coax feelings out of her over a period of time, perhaps suggesting that us Brits like to share their feelings, and it was OK if she did too. So, taking heed of said advise, I was sat in front of my girl at the dinner table, and she couldn’t eat, and looked fairly miserable. I said to her

“Is everything ok with you? You not look happy. You know you can talk to me how you feel. I know Thai people not show how they feel too much, but Farang like to talk about how they feel. You know I would like you to talk to me, and you can talk to me anytime how you feel”.

She politely said thank you, but continued to look aggrieved at something. I waited a little while longer and said “Babe, I worry about you, I really want to know what wrong, it is good if you can share with me what wrong, and maybe I can help”

“I’m OK,” she said with a frown.

So, once again I waited a while, and watched her push her food around her plate without eating a great deal. I new something was wrong, and now I was determined to get it out of her.

“Honey, you have to talk to me, you cannot hide how you feel, I can see you worry about something, please talk a little bit, tell me what wrong”

She said, “I need to shit ok? I not shit for 3 days and want to shit now, you can help me?

Clearly my timing wasn’t good, but the advice worked, at least she told me what she wanted!

That’s it for now, times going quickly, I can’t believe 2 months has passed already!

Stickman’s thoughts:

A great series, this.

nana plaza