My Mind Was Set To Thinking

My mind was set to thinking by A Shrink in his delightful piece “In a Shrink’s View”:

In therapy, complete acceptance is offered to quickly build trust and a relationship; that is what the bargirls do as well. They are also meeting you on the sexual level which is where men are more likely to feel like they are in love. Add in a vacation mentality with no mate at home and much of the recipe is in place. That is why if you are really vulnerable, no matter how often you are told about the scams, you will fall victim to bargirl tricks. Unconsciously, you make a deal, you chose to pay her to keep your fantasies alive.

And then by “A Neighbour of Thailand” who wrote about how he was attracted to a Thai lady and spent vast sums by Thai standards on unrequited romantic love. I do not criticize Neighbour and I applaud his perseverance and honesty.

I have seen many sane men fall into a relationship with an “unsuitable” women. I am indeed a bit of a snob but when I say “unsuitable” I do not mean she slurps her tea.

Complete Acceptance

“Hansum man, I love you so much” affirms the repressed male’s desirability, his masculinity, his very essence. When an attractive woman sits next to you, smiles at you, touches your leg, is polite and friendly you feel accepted for who you are, an interesting and attractive man.

Bargirls do not argue with you, they hang on your every word, they serve your drink to you, wipe your lips etc. There is nothing they will not do for you. They accept you for who you are and what you are. Goddamit I knew those girls back home were intimidated by my good looks.

Playing With Your Emotions

How do you normally know a woman loves you? She kisses you, touches you, smiles at you, tells you she loves you, does small things for you, spends quality time with you day and night, screws you like a lioness in heat etc. Does not a bargirl do this? (If not then you should rehire)

You know she wants to love you, wants to be loved in return, wants to build a steady relationship with you and change you. As the old saying goes, “First she lets you into her warm soft body and then she lets you into her warm soft mind”

Bargirl relationships are also about money and status. You will have to prove your love with gifts. Even if she says “No pay, I love you soo much” do not be deceived, you will want to worship her and show your gratitude for her warm and tender embraces.

If you should question her love as being fake and money based she will cry and beat her lithe young legs with her tiny hands and cry, ”NOOOOO, I LUV YOU, ONLY YOOOO” over and over again until you feel embarrassed and a real heel at causing her lovely young face such despair and accept you were wrong and make up.

How many men have not given anything during a week long lovefest, decided she is not a hooker and loves him tooo much and then dropped 10,000 Baht in her handbag at the airport?

I have met a number who support “ex-bar girls”. The ones I have met mostly seem unsure of themselves, not wanting a commercial sex relationship they want true love and absolute trust, they need to know she is faithful and in love. Hence the constant SMS messages, loving calls and Thailand visits at least three times a year.

If anyone reading this recognizes himself then you are indeed a “bargirl looover” but don’t be ashamed as it is part of the human condition.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

At business school I was taught one of the great insights of Maslow. At our most basic level we strive to better our circumstances. When man first walked he wanted water, once he had water he wanted food, when he had food he wanted shelter etc.

So it is with the punters. They want a good time, then they want a beautiful partner to enjoy the good time, then they want sex, then they want love, then they want marriage (well, maybe they do not realize it but the young lady can explain).

Men are sucked in to the Maslow elevator, always wanting to move up to the next level of satisfaction and never being satisfied. Needless to say some men are more susceptible than others to this and some see reality and others only pain.

An Example

Please note I have changed her name and some details to protect her. If she sounds like your teeruk then it is coincidence unless your name is Dicky in which case……

Dicky who has worked his way up to loving family man, an executive with a multinational who tells me how much of an important man he is and how rich. Yawn, yawn, what a twit.

Usual pattern…..business trip….. Nana…. Nat….. bargirl…. worked a few weeks and does not like it (2 years, prefers ST)….. calls her when in town….. then every day….. falls in love….. flies her to join him on his business trips.

He starts to refer to her as his “companion”.

Nat is willing to commit to him every trip and every time he is in town. She never asks for money except for shopping, telephone, rent, educational expenses, fashionable clothes, jewellery, gold, traveling expenses, sick parents etc. He used to pay for dinner sometimes with his wife before they were married so what is different?

She always says she loves him, how much she misses him, how she wants to be with him etc. She might even mean part of it but how can he be sure? By spoiling her of course, why would she want to cheat on him when he is so generous?

And what does she do? She is not satisfied with his money or fancy his bloated body, she is aspirational. She is in bloom and a delicate flower which will fade, she has to get there quick so bets on several horses at the same time…….

If only he knew about the Brit she was with in Bourbon Street last night when I wandered in and the Norwegian….. You see lovely little Nat has a secret, one which she hides (but my wife has the nose of a bloodhound), she has had multiple boyfriends for several years including a Norwegian. He discovered the truth about the teeruk on a surprise visit to declare his intention to marry her and threw himself off his hotel balcony.

Will Dicky go the same way? He neglects his family, resenting them for getting in way of his quality time with his teeruk, resenting his wife for having grown middle aged and borne his children. He believes Nat is faithful to him, just visiting friends who sometimes happen to be in bars, that she no longer gives satisfaction for 300 Baht on a slow night.

Disgusted? Yes, of course, what a selfish twit. Imagine how much he is blowing away when he could be seeing to his children’s education or helping an orphan from the Klong Toey slums (well maybe he is). Little Nat is sucking it up and blowing it on the good life, no land in the village, no house, no motorcycle, no Thai husband that I can see.

He is undoubtedly paying to keep his fantasy alive and she loves every penny. But what of her needs? She is only 24 but has in a few years come up from a menial labour job to flying around Asia all expenses paid and earns ten times what her father earns in the village. All she has to do is be nice and make sure she stays “on message”.

I expect Nat will tire of him being a boyfriend and will find a richer more attentive punter or will insist he leaves his wife so she can attain the “secure” wife status. Then she will want to move to a better country, a better house, a nice car etc. But she will be reliant on him so she will start to think about how to have all this without him. Wooooah, I better stop there, my imagination is getting away from me.

Will I tell Dicky? No way, he is an a***hole and I hope Nat sucks him dry and drops him before his wife gets hurt. This is not to say I am unkind but I have seen this pattern repeated many times, some older married men, some young handsome single guys, rich and poor. There is no single type, all men are vulnerable to bargirl love to some degree.

I have seen it in other parts of Asia as well but not to such a developed degree that it is a common talking point on websites such as Stickman. I can only believe it is because Thai ladies are so lovely and that they touch men deeply with their grace, good looks and gentle ways. I am not immune!!

Breaking Away

When asked why they are supporting a bargirl the average punter becomes emotional, some ranting, some only fidgeting but all showing microexpressions and body language which indicate they are clearly not comfortable.

Some bluster that she is not that kind of girl, that she was only in the bar for a few weeks and never went with a customer before meeting her teeruk. That this could happen is perfectly possible and I have seen it happen with fresh young chicken plucked out of the bar almost upon arrival.

I would therefore not rule it out but the chances of the little darling having been honest about her bar work is in my experience absolutely zero as she will be embarrassed about it.

Never have I been told that the punter likes her profession and it saves on bar fines and fees so I do not believe they are driven by economic concerns.

A little meditation on the situation may be well in order if someone suggests you are at risk of being a victim of bar girl love.

My Falun Gong master told me that I had to purge myself of bad thought and habits and meditate to achieve a peaceful inner state. That I could escape from this constant desire for more, this striving to advance which would never leave me happy. If we were happy with what we had we would be able to see the goodness in it. My wife is beautiful, my children are lovely, my ten year old Toyota is thrifty and reliable, my executive job is …well… crap.

I lasted thirty minutes in the movement before being seduced into a bar by a sexy greeter to have very impure thoughts but I could see his point.

Economic Reality

My advice to punters is never send money, mobile phones, replacement hearts for the water buffalo, pay the rent etc. This corrupts a person and teaches them the value of real work is zero.

The bar girls I have met professionally have had varied backgrounds and one even had a university degree (yes, I know this sounds like bar girl fantasy but I had it confirmed, transcript and all).

Their salary earnings in an ordinary job in Bangkok would be about 7,000 to 10,000 per month if competent for office work. Unskilled about 4,000 Baht which is about government starting salary. The lowest I have come across was my landlady who had a sweet young maid from Burma who earnt 1,000 Baht/mth plus room and board and was damn grateful for the work.

Of course if experienced and skilled they can quickly achieve 14,000 Baht but no bar girl will get the right kind of experience such that an employer would want to pay so much.

A room starts at 1,000 Baht per month (outskirts) and a comfortable room is about 3,000 to 4,000 in central Bangkok. It is therefore quite possible to survive on 7,000 Baht per month even if you have to share your room. That many hundreds of thousands do in Bangkok is testimony enough.

Many businesses organize cheap canteens, transport back and forth, uniforms, living accommodation, bonuses at Songkran etc. It is Thai living, not suitable for foreigners.

For the punter looking at fixing a salary scale for his teeruk such that she does not need to work 7,000 Baht/month would be an appropriate scale. However they should question why she does not want the drudgery of a 9 to 6 job in an office. Is she too proud to work or too lazy? Unfortunately my experience would indicate the latter. Thais are no different to other races and would generally like to be paid handsomely to not work. Is that not part of the American dream?

Compare this with semi-skilled males and I know I can get young men with their own motorcycles to act as messengers for 5,000/mth plus room though I have English speaking drivers for company cars for 6,000 Baht/mth. I can employ labourers for less than minimum wage at 120 Baht/day. A ladyboy once told me she was doing it because it paid much better than manual labour and not because of any deep seated longing to be a woman. Such are the choices men in Thailand have to make.

My highest paid employee earns substantially more but is a well connected Chula Masters graduate of great skill and experience.

Of course if you are looking to compensate for lost earnings then you are into an uncertain field. The basic pay in a Go Go depends on whether they dance topless, bottomless or fully dressed and depends on the bar. I have been told 2,000 to 4,000 per month. They also get a cut of ladies drinks and bar fines depending on the bar. All up the average is I understand about 8,000 per month for a successful girl. On top of this she gets “tips” or fees for special services of about 5,000 per month up but she will need to have sex at least 10 times a month to be successful, which is not an unrealistic number in my experience.

What is up depends on her skills as a bar girl and this is where the punter comes in. I have seen a number of bar girls’ bank accounts with regular deposits and transfers in of 60,000 to 80,000 per month. These were to my eye unremarkable ladies who had tagged a bargirl looover or two who were then sending regular money. If you do the maths you can see the investment of not charging at all and then reeling in the punter as a long term looover.

One word of warning to all wannabee bar girl looovers, it will drain your bank account faster than a dose of Bangkok belly.

Can It Work?

All is not lost for these relationships. I have seen some work out and it is perfectly possible if treated well that she may come to genuinely love the punter. By this I do not mean money, I mean tender care and attention to her needs. In time they can heal the scars of the bars and paid sex and easy corrupting living and the stress of moving to a cold dark country with no friends.

But when the punter is lying in bed at night, does he sometimes think of how many men she has screwed for money? I guess he must repress it or he would explode as very few I have met seem to be comfortable with the idea.

If you want to avoid bargirl love you have to reach inside yourself and realise you are a beautiful person who does not need the acceptance and affirmation of female strangers, you are happy with yourself, you need a quality relationship with a quality partner, you deserve it.

Stickman's thoughts:

You can lead a horse to water…