Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 45

  • Written by Dana
  • May 8th, 2004
  • 8 min read


Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes 45


"HONEY, ARE YOU ASLEEP?"

Place: a small apartment on Beacon Hill in Boston.
Time: 4 a.m.
Characters: Noi (wife) and Dana (husband).

"Honey?"
"What?"

"Are you asleep?"
"Yes, I am."

"Husband, if you asleep; how you talk?"
"Honey, I'm tired; what do you want?"

"Why you tired?"
"Well, I'm tired because it is 4 o'clock in the morning; and I'm tired because I'm married to the most exciting, the most beautiful woman in the world; and I'm tired because I went skating today and that always makes me feel as if I have been beaten with sticks!"

"Are you too tired to talk?"
"No honey, what do you want to talk about?"

"I just had dream."
"Oh Noi, is this going to be another one of those dreams where ghosts talk and frogs fly?"

"No, I dream about first day I meet you in Thailand."
"What about it?"

"The first day we meet. Do you remember?"
"I'll never forget it. Why?"

"What did you do after you meet me that day?"
"I went back to my hotel room. I had diarrhoea as usual."

"What is diarrhoea?"
"Never mind. Let's get back to the dream. It's 4:15 a.m."

"After you left me, I went to my room and unpacked a doll that I hadn't held in 16 years. I'd forgotten that it didn't have a dress and that only short tufts of hair were left; but I didn't care. I held that doll and cried and cried and cried."
"Noi, have you got another pillow?"

"Yes, why husband want pillow?" "Well, I get the feeling that this is going to be an 'all-nighter', so I think I'll prop myself up. . . why did your doll only have short tufts of hair?"

"In the orphanage, the other children were jealous of my doll from America; so they stole the dress and they ripped out the hair. I was a Thai Amer-Asian orphan. I was only two and a half years old and nobody liked me. Then I became sponsored by a man in America. Every month he sent money. I was able to eat and have clothes. He sent me cards on my birthday, and on the holidays, and on New Year's day. I wrote him back and we sent each other pictures of ourselves. From the time I was two and a half until I was four years old, he sent me a letter almost every month. I loved him!

Then I got news that he was coming to visit me. The sponsor organization and the orphanage was very excited. So was I excited. The only person in the world who really cared about me was traveling all the way from America just to see me. I was very proud. The other children beat me up.

When he arrived, it was wonderful. We both were very nervous and neither one of us spoke the other person's language. But he looked just like the picture he had sent me and he tickled me and I laughed. He had big warm hands, happy eyes, and a nice voice. He held me in his arms and I hoped he would never leave.

When he left, he gave me the doll. It had long blonde hair, blue eyes, and a pink dress.

Next month, I guess he forgot to send me a letter. The month after that I didn't get a letter either. I never got a card for my birthday or holiday or New Year's day. I sent him letters and cards and another picture of me holding the doll in case he had forgotten who I was. I never heard from him again. Ever. I guess when he met me in person, he decided he didn't like me. I never heard from him again. Ever!"
"Well, honey; that's a nice story; but what's that got to do with us?"

"When I became 18 years old and a woman; I decided I wanted to be number one wife to best husband. I wanted to keep husband warm at night, and I wanted to make babies. I wanted man who would always be kind and never leave me. I wanted American husband man. So I contacted marriage broker in Bangkok and sent them my picture and description. Then you and I meet in mail and start writing letters and sending pictures of ourselves. You remember?"
"I remember. . ."

"Anyway, one year later I get letter that you are coming to see me. No one beat me up this time. But I very scared!"
"Honey, what were you scared for?"

"I scared because I not tell whole truth in letters. I not tell you I not beautiful, exotic Asian woman American man like; but only flat chested, short-leg woman people call names and spit at. I not have big American breasts and long legs like Barbie doll. I afraid you not like me."
"Honey, I liked you right away. We'd been writing letters for a long time. I couldn't wait to meet you. I loved you."

"I know now, but you didn't tell me you loved me then; and when I first saw you, I knew I loved you. Later, when we went to the zoo and stood under the shade trees, and you smelled my hair and whispered in my ear; I was so happy. I wanted to wrap my legs around you and kiss your eyes. You tickled me and I laughed."
"Honey, I remember all of this; but what does this have to do with your doll?"

"When you left to go back to America; I was afraid I was being abandoned again! I knew I loved you, but I didn't know if I would ever really see you again. That's when I remembered my doll from 16 years earlier. I went in the house and I unpacked the doll; and I cried, and I cried, and I cried."
"Noi, I love you. Thank-you for telling me your dream."

"You are welcome husband. . . . Dana?"
"What?"

"I have hot rear tonight. Do you want to sleep like spoons?"
"Sure, honey."

"Husband?"
"What?"

"If you put your arm around me and put your hand on my stomach; you can feel the baby kicking!"

TWO WALLET SYSTEM

Newton wasn't necessarily so smart. Anybody could have thought of that apple-gravity thing. It's just that most folks are busy. He was unemployed so he had the time. A lot of clever ideas are obvious, but people don't necessarily think of them. For example: the litter police in BKK have been spotlighting and fining farangs for littering. And you don't necessarily have to have been littering to be fined for same. That's what is called the charm of the East. Some people call it culture. I call it expensive at 2000 baht per incident. So on my most recent trip to the Kingdom I adopted the Two Wallet System. One wallet has my necessary cash and other items, the other wallet in the other pocket has nothing in it. Sure enough, one day I was in Lumpini Park staring at the pedal boats and looking out for the 4 foot head-to-tail water lizards that scare the shit out of me when two of Bangkok's finest popped up like two black-footed ferrets. Honestly, I don't know where these guys come from. One minute the coast is clear for a tourist that just wants to escape the urban aneurysm known as Bangkok and do walk-in-the-park and sit-in-the-park things; and then suddenly they are in front of you. I figure there must be police burrows that they hide out in. A hundred Thais could walk by these litter police burrows and there is no movement. Let one farang stray near one of these litter police burrows and they pop up in front of you like ferrets on the plains of Wyoming. Anyway, these two protectors of the innocent and enforcers of civility informed me that I had been littering and that the fine was 2000 baht. I smiled. It is always very important to smile when being held up. I don't know why exactly but I have heard it so many times I believe it. I then (you are going to love this) pulled my EMPTY wallet out of my pants pocket and held it upside down. I gave it to them. They looked at it. They held it upside down. Then they gave it back to me. Now they were smiling. We had a laugh. No fine. A perfect example of how people from different cultures can coexist; as long as you recognise that the locals are talentless ethics-challenged thieves.

The Two Wallet System. Try it. Newton was probably fooling around with two apples–he just never told anyone!

Stickman's thoughts:

Dana strikes again. Great story with the wallets!