Readers' Submissions

The Bug Report

  • Written by Steve Finn
  • November 27th, 2003
  • 2 min read




Having conducted a thoroughly un-scientific survey, I now feel ready to submit my research.

Based on way to much beer and, with no consideration for my own well being, way too much consumption of things that should not be considered food, I feel that I am on solid ground, if not always solid bowel movements.

The Little Salty Fish Things – Actually ok, like whitebait crossed with anchovies and made crunchy. Fish are not really bugs but anything that is consumed 'guts in' is worth a line here.

Crickets – The pick of the bunch as they are like pretzels, once battered and deep fried, just a salty snack.

Scorpions – Absolutely fucking disgusting, like a creamy white puss inside. High in the 'revenge' stakes though so maybe just one is ok.

The Big White Maggot Like Grubs – Disgusting, no redeeming features. Like sucking an infected toe.

Grasshoppers – The most vile critters to have crossed my lips. Pull off his head and suck out the greeny black slime inside. Scrummy. Not even a revenge factor here, what harm can grasshoppers do?

Cockroaches – I can in no way shape or form consider anything that lives behind my toilet as fit for consumption. Massive revenge though so I am delighted to see so many being deep fried. God knows who is eating them, I hope I never get to kiss anyone who has eaten them either, although judging by the amount of the bloody things I see for sale, I probably already have.

Rats – Obviously not bugs but it would be remise of me to leave out such a fearless piece of culinary swordsmanship, as such, I have decided that they are here because they 'scurry', anything that scurries is worthy of a mention.

I have often wondered whether it was a rat at all, they called it 'rat', and it was the size of a rat; at least the size I imagine a flattened out rat would be. It tasted not too bad, a little like tough chicken and was off the scale as far as the revenge factor goes. Every rat consumed is one less likely to run up my trouser leg or give me the fucking plague.

Oddly enough, you could replace 'rat' with 'BigMac'and almost all of the above would apply.

I no longer look for 'rat' on the menu. I no longer ask for it either, I think that some places here would be happy to knock up a quick 'rat ragout' and I am retired from the bug eating circuit now.

The only thing that could tempt me from my retirement is mosquito: soon as they come up with a recipe for those bastards I will be back in action. The ultimate revenge; dining on bugs that have been dining on me for years. Touché.

Stickman says:

You're a brave man!