Stickman Readers' Submissions August 21st, 2001

How To Avoid Getting Caught

How To Avoid Being Caught!

By Hawthonian SJD

I was indeed caught with my pants down, though not "red-handed". How I explained my way out of it was quite comical. Either the Girlfriend (girlfriend) is extremely gullible, or she was simply acting that way in order to see to which depths my fibbing would sink too. Either way, my penis is still intact. (though I have quite purposefully slapped a an "exclusion zone" on it until things "blow-over").

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Isn't it odd at how quickly one can spin a yarn when one's back is against the wall? It must have been my sales experience, as a 15 year old door to door salesman that suddenly kicked in. Shit, I mean Harry Houdini, the greatest escape artist known to mankind, would have been hard pressed to get outta this one.

You see, what happened, just to give you the picture, is that my girlfriend arrived and the Bargirl (BG) was still in my room. girlfriend was knocking the door for 3 hours, while BG and I were sitting in the bathroom whispering away and hedging that girlfriend would simply get pissed off with knocking, thinking I was either out somewhere or in the middle of a heavy afternoon sleep. So 3 hours later – my girlfriend stopped knocking the door. However, I was not sure if she was still in the building and was a little afraid to open the door ( I live in a studio / room / bedsit with only one door), just in case girlfriend was sitting in the corridor sharpening her cock machete.

I asked BG to phone her biological sister and ask her to help us out by simply coming to my building, wandering along my corridor and look for anyone fitting the description (i.e.; my girlfriend frothing at the mouth) of my girlfriend hanging around. We then agreed that the sister would phone back and give us her report on the state of play. Next thing I know, about half an hour later, the door is being banged again………..but now its a bit harder and i could hear a stranger's voice shouting to us through the door. I am thinking "who the fuck is that shouting. It ain't the voice of girlfriend". Well I was assured by BG that the voice was that of her biological sister. On opening the door, it transpired that it was indeed BG's sister who had deviated from the plan (she was supposed to just survey the place and phone us with a report, not actually knock the door whatsoever). But she had also brought her fucking old BG aunty with her. On opening the door I looked at them both and thought………"what a pair of dumb fuckers"… I just quickly ushered them inside, totally in fear that girlfriend would appear out of thin air and see them standing at my doorway.

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As i stepped aside to allow them entry into my room, my horrors were confirmed. girlfriend was sitting no more than 8 feet away from my door and had a face I can only describe as "as furious as very furious Billy Fury of THE FURIES". My face? Well I would love to know what mine was like. It must have been a definition of "guilty bastard", crossed with, "how am I gonna get outta this".

So now I had not just ONE BG, but THREE BG's in my room. (BG, her biological sister and her aunty). Oh heaven……….please take me away from this misery and bugger me with the rough end of a pineapple, as its sure to be less violent than the severity of the wrath of girlfriend. Moreover, I really felt terrible, as I did not want to hurt girlfriend at all, but it was toooooo late to for that I guess.

Anyway, on seeing girlfriend, I tried to look as serious, worried and sincere as possible, as I looked her in the eye and said……."thank god you are here. Look, love, there been a big problem. Wait here for a few minutes while I sort it out". Girlfriend looked and said nothing…..she just nodded her head and remained in the corridor.

I was now angry with the extra 2 BG fucking idiots that arrived and I ushered them into the bathroom to ask why the fuck they had knocked the door. They seemed unconcerned that girlfriend was outside. They admitted that they saw her too. What numbskulls eh!!! Anyway I had little time for any debate………..coz I had to think up an excuse/reason why I had 3 BG's in my room. I decided on my plan and I briefed the BG's of what I was going to say to girlfriend, just in case their was any exchange between them all.

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So I led them to the door and put on my Robert De'Niro head, thanked them out load for their help "in coming here today", and off they went. So now, in comes girlfriend and as soon as the door is closed she said "so which one have you been sleeping with?". Then I proceeded with my "get out of this one, dickhead" effort to try and cover my own tracks.

I explained that I was hurt by her accusations and that I had NOT slept with someone else, and proceeded to explain the pile of bull-shit which I had yet to examine for holes. One thing for sure…….the evidence was everywhere. Lipsticked cups…hair……bed sheets….bla bla bla. Pure signs that someone had stopped the night.

SO here goes my excuse: – (please don't try this at home….coz it may not work)

"I was outside The Londoner on the corner of soi 33 last night, just hailing a taxi, when suddenly a guy started arguing with a girl (BG). I minded my own business and then the guy started to slap her up. He was slapping her and the poor thing (BG) was terrified. Me, dickhead that I am, going against all the advice my dad gave me as a kid, decided to get involved and help this girl. I could not just let this guy beat her up. It may be OK in Thailand for this to happen, I don't know……… but in my country we don't tolerate it. And although I did not want to be involved, I approached the guy and tried to restrain him………then out of nowhere……..his fuckin' friends arrive and start walking towards me……….so I grab the girl……….push her into the taxi, lock the doors and off we sped. The guys followed in another taxi, but the girl (BG) urged our driver to lose the pursuers. We managed to lose them, luckily.

The girl said that she was too frightened to go home, as she feared that her boyfriend would be waiting for her and would start to beat her up again, so I let her stay in my bed here, while I slept on the sofa.

And then today, someone was banging the door for about 3 hours. I think it was her boyfriend and his friends. Somehow they new where I lived and had come to kick the living shit outta me and the girl. Now I have to arrange to get my stuff outta here and move to another place TODAY, NOW…….like THIS FUCKEN MINUTE…….I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE FROM THESE GUYS.

(to which girlfriend replied "oh, love…..calm down…that was just me knocking the door today…….I thought you were sleeping……..sorrry to have worried you……..are you ok? True, you should not have got involved, you should be more careful in future…)

End of patter!!!!

Girlfriend stated that she knew that the BG was a hooker. She could tell by the way these girls dressed etc. (Although, they just dressed very casually. Not tarty at all. But girls just know these things don't they. They have this "sixth sense". Its like they are in "sharp idiot" mode, meaning that they are very cunning in their sweet & deceptively naive way)

The charade lasted about an hour. Shit loads of questions followed, but it all went smoothly.

I must point out that I am a little ashamed of how I had to lie my ass off and the last thing I wanted to do was cause any hurt to girlfriend. Luckily, so far, its all now in the past………..but shit………this was too close for comfort. I reckon the girlfriend still has her doubts about my yarn (let's face it…..who wouldn't ?) coz I have noticed that she lays down on my bed and rather craftily smells the pillow for any female aromas. In addition, she has taken an interest in sweeping the floor more often these days, maybe in search of the conclusive strand of hair that would be testament to my having a further BG back at my room, which would naturally give her reasonable evidence to claim that my yarn was after all a load of crap and that, indeed, I am a low-life 2 timing tw*t.

That is why I devised the "10 WAYS TO COVER YOUR ASS".


So, if like me, you hate those short-time hotels and much prefer the comfort of your own room, make sure you clean up all the evidence after the "crime" has been committed. In order to avoid being caught by your nosey and inquisitive girlfriend or wife whom typically has a nose for anything "fishy", I would reccomend the following which I have devised as a checklist of things to do after the paid-sex has ended and Miss Bargirl has bow-leggedly squelched herself home and out of your room.

1. Change the bed sheets. (Yeah its obvious and it may be your mum's job, but how many of us actually do change the sheets after the event?).

2. Clean all cups (lipstick on the rim may be a pleasant sight, but when on the rim of a cup/glass it can be troublesome evidence)

3. Sweep/vacuum the floor (pubic hair on the tiles!!!! A Colombo-esque girlfriend will spot it from 100 meters….and she'll know its not hers)

4. Empty the ash-trays (lipsticked fags & butts belong in Patpong. Not in your ashtray.)

5. Empty the bin (an empty sack is better than a full one!! People say the eyes are the window to ones sole. But that's bollocks. The bin is the window to ones sole. Just imagine………condom wrappers, ripped panties, KY jelly, a John Denver CD and peanut butter……..its a dead give away! You romantic fool !!)

6. Do the Dusting (simply don your favourite maid uniform and get cleaning. One stray hair typically found by your NOW Mac-wearing, cigar smoking & Colombo mimicking girlfriend ……….and its all over.

7. Shower and Basin Plugholes (We've all fingered worse, so please, enthusiastically get into the task. Again, the key here is HAIR. !!!……..Audible utterances of "ah……there's just one more thing" as your girlfriend/wife scratches her head are a true sign that you should stop fantasising about Colombo or……. she has found her golden pube of evidence.

8. Check the shirt you wore last night. (How many times have you cussed & snarled at the make-up covered collar of your prised 70's $4 shirt? This is irrefutable evidence. Can't blame it on lovely Mrs Colombo, coz on TV I reckon she does not exist anyway)

9. Wash/shower your philandering body of all that's musty and crusty (agreed, you should not have let her ride your face. Any hint of a pubic beard or smell of tuna will send your, BY NOW, unattractive, mind-warpingly-annoying, self-styled Colombo t-rak into a flying and raging blur of dirty brown Macs, sweaty loose wigs and verbal incoherence.

10. Ply the Receptionist/security guard/bellboy (money talks!! Its an old one, but its true. Pay a friendly member of staff to keep a lookout for you. Your lookout may be worth their weight in gold. Make sure your selected lookout is a man, preferably the security guard, because he is the first one to spot your old battle-axe as she thunders up the road with her castration equipment in-hand.)

Stickman says:

I have a similar check list to this on the inside of the site. It sounds like you were luckier than me as I once had a TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE! Was at the Thermae late one night and met a really nice girl. I had a live in girlfriend at the time but she was supposed to be away with her parents. So I called my apartment at the unGodly hour of 3:30 AM and the phone was not answered – so she definitely wasn't there. Into a taxi and five minutes later, myself and my new found friend are standing outside the apartment building. I glance up at my apartment and there is no light on – EXCELLENT! I walk in through the lobby and noticed that the night receptionist was not there. Into the lift and up we go. I get to the door, unlock it and open it, Miss Thermae right behind me. As the door opens, I'm horrified to see the glow from one of the bedside lamps on. My live in girlfriend who spoke really lousy English starts screaming, "you want fucking, you want fucking" and Miss Thermae makes a bolt for the life before she even had a chance to enter the apartment. My live in leaps out of bed and makes a beeline for the door, obviously keen to give both me and Miss Thermae a piece of her mind. I grab her and hug her, refusing to let he go. "What's wrong I ask" as she starts going on about me brining a girl back, which I totally deny. (If you ever get caught or a thai girl ever suspects, don't do the "decent" thing and admit to it – DENY DENY DENY are the rules of the jungle!) I hug her for a minute or so and she runs out of the apartment, looking for the Thermae girl. I glance out the window of the apartment and see Miss Thermae scurrying down the road. As the live in comes back into the apartment, she now makes a beeline for the window but I grab her again and hug her, as she desperately tries to break free of my hug, me pretending to comfort her. After about 30 seconds, I let her go and she dashes to the window, her eyes searching for a girl who has since long gone…I deny everything and she says that she had been watching the TV and had it tuned into the lobby camera and saw me walking in, hand in hand with a girl…I deny it all and somehow she believes it, me playing the "you are very tired, you must be confused card" which ultimately she buys… This story was not a lot of fun in reality, but it does prove that if you deny, deny, deny, you can get out of almost anything!

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