The First Timer’s Guide To Thailand

Having recently returned from my seventh or eighth trip to Thailand on which I was accompanied by two very good friends who were “first timers”, I feel it would be of great use if I wrote a guide in order to help other first timers avoid difficulty and fully enjoy their trip.

It is very important to remember that the Thais are a very honest and trustworthy race. Under no circumstance will they take pecuniary advantage of the unwitting or dare I saw it somewhat intoxicated visitor. You should place your trust in anyone and everyone who grabs your attention.

For example if a tuk tuk driver tells you that the Grand Palace is closed but he knows a very good tailor, take his word for it. You could come across a real bargain walking away with a suit fit for a King for the equivalent of only 500 dollars (so what if the King it’s fit for is three sizes smaller than you and had a penchant for Marc Bolan outfits). You’ll be under no pressure to buy when you get there.

When getting in a taxi, always agree a price with driver rather than being conned into using the meter. 400 baht from the Nana Hotel to Soi Cowboy is a very good price indeed (although you will have to pay for the expressway yourself).

Keeping face is very very important as far as the Thais are concerned. Any loss of face can lead to some unpleasantness. A friend of mine was slightly incoherent in a bar in Ko Pha Ngan at around 2 AM the other day. He handed the bar tender a 1000 baht note for a 60 baht bottle of beer. The bar tender gave him his change mistakenly thinking he had been passed a 100 baht note. My slightly incoherent friend politely pointed out that there had been a simple oversight. This caused the young Thai gentleman a minor loss of face as one of his colleagues overheard the complaint. Being the understanding types that they are they called on two more colleagues to gently guide him outside. Once outside they politely placed him on the floor then the four of them proceeded to massage his back with their feet as a reminder never to make a Thai loose face.

Remember that the amiable young ladies who work in the bars in Thailand are very poor indeed. None of them are what westerners would refer to as “prostitutes”. If you are lucky enough to find a young lady who will spend the night with you and she has the courage to ask you for say 5000 baht consider her hardship and give her 6000.

Sexually transmitted diseases have on extremely rare occasions been known to manifest themselves in farangs having visited Thailand. However if your true love takes a shower prior to engaging in intercourse you will be completely safe. It is rumoured that condoms can prevent the transmission of disease however this is regarded by seasoned visitors as being overcautious. If you use a condom on one occasion you will probably be safe to have sex with another forty or fifty young ladies without cause for concern, as condoms once worn place an invisible protective layer on your “extremity” which can last for up to 6 months.

Thai ladies may occasionally tell a small white lie in order to save you worrying. For example on one of my previous visits to Thailand I decided on my final night to visit a charming young lady I had met a week or so previously. When I arrived at the bar where she worked as a waitress the lady who ran the somewhat overstaffed establishment (40 waitresses and none of the customers seemed to be eating) explained that my belle had gone home with a fever. In a subsequent email I received from my belle she explained that she hadn't really had a fever. The real problem was that her father had had a horrific crash and she was tending him in hospital. She had been concerned that I would be worried so made her absence sound like a minor ailment. The least I could do was send her the 60,000 baht she required for her fathers medical expenses.

Thai ladies differ greatly from western women. They find gentleman with large stomachs extremely attractive. It is even better if you have breasts like a teenage girl. Flatulence and halitosis are also regarded as a sign of sexual prowess.

It has been rumoured that occasionally Thai men dress as women to dupe people. This is a complete myth. The source of the rumour comes from gentlemen encountering the 10% or so of Thai ladies who have a very pronounced clitoris. (Usually around 5 inches long shaped like a penis). If you do encounter a lady with a pronounced clitoris carry on as normal. There is nothing at all to worry about.

Please save this document and pass it on to any friends or colleagues you have making their first visit to Thailand as it will hopefully make their journey much more enjoyable.

Stickman says:

A nice effort! However, for anyone who has just tuned in, please note that this article is a piece of humour, and not aa serious guide!