Rule #4: STUDY THE FORM

My old pal, Dennis, has lived in Pattaya for over 20 years, so he has no need to study the form. He knows what he wants, he knows where to get it and he knows most of the girls, whether they’re in a massage parlour in Sip Chet or a beer bar in Soi 6. Barry has one criteria only – big tits – and will take the first available handful. Ron has a habit of letting the girls choose him, thus breaking the rule: CHOOSE HER; DON’T LET HER CHOOSE YOU – and sometimes it works out – though, more often, it doesn’t. Most of us, on the other hand, like to browse the offerings, like a meal on a menu, and take our pick (and if it still doesn’t work out, at least we tried!).

I have studied many things in my time: books, music, martial arts, but nothing can beat studying the form in a gogo bar. By “studying the form”, I mean sitting with a cold one in your hand while weighing up the relative charms of the hot ones on stage. For me, it is the closest thing to heaven that I can get, for (like the lovers in Keats’ Ode on a Grecian Urn), at that moment, it is all possibility and no disappointment. I am deluded into thinking that she is there – “The One” – the one who will love me like crazy and give me everything I want – long time! All I have to do is to pick her out from all the others – and that’s no easy task! That’s why I developed a checklist to help me:

1. Avoid stunners and hot teens.
2. Look for a good dancer.
3. Look for good interaction with other girls and customers.
4. Look for some flaw or need (e.g., a MILF).
5. She should have some English, but not too much.
6. She should make good body contact.
7. She should be happy to go long time even if you only want her for short time.
8. Later, I added “the Kiss Test” to this list (see below).

Here is the rationale:

1. We’re all attracted to stunners, so they are, in a word, spoiled. They can have almost any man they want, and they know it. These are the ones who, in the Old Asia Hand expression, “think their shit don’t stink”. They can treat a man any way they like, and most men will put up with it. They will preen and pose like starlets in Tuk Tuk Patrol – but probably play the starfish on you. I soon learned that it is best to look for the next level down. In my 2005 diary I wrote: “Look for less obvious stunners”, but that line doesn’t appear in the published version, because it is a contradiction in terms: if they are “less obvious”, they can’t be “stunners”. But I think you get the idea. By looking a little harder, you can spot girls who are almost as attractive but less obviously so. These girls will probably give you a better experience. On the other hand, you might just happen on an A+ stunner who is new to the bar and doesn’t know her value yet. There are also A- girls who have a bad attitude. However, the rule works well in general.

So much for stunners, but what about teens? Most men like teens – evidence? Statistics show that it is the most common search term on porn websites. Is that perverted? No, because a billion years of evolution points us in that direction. Put simply, a teen is good breeding material. Back in the day, there were plenty of 18 and 19-year-olds in the bars (and further back, in the 80’s and 90’s, many were even younger). Dennis, scoffs at the “18” thing. “Where does it come from?” he asks. “I’ll tell you where – Uncle Sam trying to push his Pilgrim Father values onto the world – but if she’s got tits and a hairy pussy and she’s up for it, I don’t care how old she is! Heck, there were female Viet Cong as young as 13 trying to kill me when I was in ’Nam!” But take no notice of Dennis. He’s a classic case of PTSD and well out of touch with the woke tide which has engulfed the west.

These days, with the average Thai bargirl being 30-something, teens are a rarity and they know their value, so, like stunners, they are spoiled and best avoided. If teens are what you want, you will do better in the Philippines, where the average age of bargirls is in the mid 20’s and there are more 18 and 19-year-olds around.

2. There is an Old Asia Hand Saying that goes: “Those who dance best do the horizontal dance best”, and there is probably some truth in it. If she’s lively on stage, she’s likely to be lively in bed. Of course, you mustn’t expect dancing like the Tiller Girls at the London Palladium (remember them?). These girls dance what is known as “the Bangkok shuffle”, which is basically a slight movement from left to right while hanging onto a pole – and that’s only to be expected because they have to keep it up all night. What you are looking for is a slightly livelier version of the Bangkok Shuffle.
3. Good interaction with other girls and customers shows that she’s got a personality and some conversation. Indeed, I study this most carefully. For example, on a recent trip to AC, I watched a girl interacting with a customer, dry humping in his lap and letting him feel her up. I had an intuition he wouldn’t barfine her, and he didn’t, so as soon as he left, I called her over and got a good helping of the same. I barfined her later – and she didn’t disappoint.
4. If a girl has some flaw or need, she is more likely to have a good attitude. Flaws might include:

• Not pretty.
• An ugly scar.
• Stretch marks.
• Saggy or flat breasts
• Old. That would have been 30-ish way back when. Now it would be 40-ish.
• A MILF (Mom I Would Like to F**k).

Back in the day, I would have added “fat”, but there are so many fat bargirls in Thailand these days that they just blend in with the others (and make the real stunners look even more stunning).

5. If her English is good, how did she learn it? – “While an army of farangs marched through her legs” is how the Old Asia Hands would put it. Undoubtedly, the best experiences I have had with bargirls are with those who are “farm fresh” (another Old Asia Hand expression). They have come straight from the rice paddy and have little or no English. That’s why another of my rules is LEARN THE LANGUAGE.
6. Some bargirls will sit next to you like a stranger on a train (looking straight ahead and avoiding contact). These are the possible reasons:

• She is nervous because she is “farm fresh”.
• She doesn’t like you.
• She’s hoping to score one of those free-spending Japanese or Koreans.
• She doesn’t like her job.
• She has a bad attitude.
• She has a boring personality.

What she should do is make at least minimal body contact – something you can build on. Sit close so that your bodies are touching, stroke your thigh, hold your hand. If she doesn’t do any of these, don’t buy her a drink, just send her away, politely, and try another girl.

7. Ask her if she will go long time. Long time is a lot less common these days. Way back when it was all long time. However, it is still a good test of her attitude. If she insists on short time, she wants to get it over with, like having a tooth out. If she agrees to long time, she’ll probably make some effort to give you a taste of that fabled GFE (The Girlfriend Experience, which means a paid prostitute treating you as though she was your girlfriend).
8. The “Kiss Test” is something I started doing a few years ago and it works well. However, before you try it, you need to ensure that you have built up enough rapport to make it a valid test. That would mean sitting with her for a while, buying at least two lady drinks and enjoying some meaningful interaction. When you have done this, make to kiss her on the lips – we’re not talking about full on French kissing here, just a light peck. If she turns her cheek, she will probably hold back in bed. If she kisses you back, there is a good chance that, an hour or so later, you will have your tongue down her throat while John Thomas is up her puss. This test has greater validity in the Philippines, as Thais don’t go in for kissing to the same extent that westerners do; the “sniff kiss” being their preferred variant – but you know all about that because you’ve been studying Stickman’s Reader Submissions, haven’t you? (If not, go to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200).

A lot of the items in the above list can only be discovered by talking to the girl, so you will need to GIVE HER THE INTERVIEW. See next week’s rule.

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These rules are beginning to develop into the next Bangkok Byron publication. I already have around 20 in draft form, and I am thinking of something along the lines of The 48 Laws of Power, by Robert Greene. Watch this space! In the meantime, if you enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy some of my other books about Thailand and the Philippines. Take a look here or here.

The author of this article can be contacted at : rumblejungle2019@gmail.com