The Brokenman Is Repaired Part 17 Chapter 2
My aged limousine driver in his equally aged Volvo dropped me off safely at Suvarnabhumi Airport and I made my way to domestic departures. I was Issan-bound, specifically the city of Udon Thani. In next to no time I was mounting a Thai Smile A320.
The Thai smile hostesses all look about 12 years of age. As I take my seat I am handed a bag containing a bottle of water and a small black cake which the box declared was made of charcoal. The information on the box extolled the medicinal properties of charcoal. I am somewhat bewildered and wondered what cocaine-fuelled crazy in their marketing department thought that one up and what inbred incompetent in management approved it?
I did however eat it and as I didn’t instantly combust found it quite pleasant
The flight from Bangkok to Udon is less than an hour giving little time for reflection. However, in the previous chapter I alluded somewhat enigmatically that this visit I did not have to remove the metaphorical hump on my back caused by sexual abstinence I usually had.
To explain, my eldest son Matt’s wedding was planned for the day before Christmas Eve. Although I had had very little to do with his mother (my first wife) since our divorce 14 years ago, she approached me requesting we present a united face for the wedding. I was initially sceptical but went along with it.
We met up a few times but I always declined her invitation to come in to her apartment. She had been recently widowed and whilst I was sympathetic to her situation the memory of the pain she inflicted upon me in the last years of our marriage and divorce had not completely disappeared.
I continued to refuse her invitations until one evening she declared she hadn’t had an orgasm for some years. I defy any man not to rise to that challenge. I stayed and fully delivered upon her need and did so for the next two Saturdays. Although I was already enjoying intimacy with Nat my ex Thai wife on my visits to Thailand I would never have expected to become f**k buddies with my ex English wife as well. She knows I will never take her back but for now she is happy with our informal arrangement.
I have been seeing her every second Saturday for the last few months and she has insisted I service her. This explains why at the onset of my Thailand visit I was not suffering from the sexual deprivation I usually am and was satisfactorily de-spunked.
I like Udon Thani Airport. It is compact and I quickly find myself at baggage claim. As expected, my ex-wife Nat was not waiting at the meeting point as promised but she phoned me to say she was on her way. 20 minutes later she collects me in her trusty old Fortuna and we make our way to the Centura Hotel in the city centre. She is pleased to see me and on the short journey we catch up on our respective news. Nat’s 8-year-old daughter Christina was also excited to see me – she knows it is always an interesting time when her uncle Paul visits.
The 4-star Centura is an impressive edifice but as with all modern hotels, is an example of form over function I see too often on my travels. Everything is pretty but there is no storage space for clothes for example and the bathroom lighting too dark to comfortably shave. I often ask myself who designs these rooms and who approves the design? Probably some pony-tailed poseur, maybe the same pratt who came up with the idea of charcoal cake. I despair of the corporate bankster empire we are all subjected to worldwide and look forward to the day we peasants revolt against our globalist masters with the proverbial pitch forks.
We take a short drive to her apartment on the outskirts to collect her niece who is staying with her. Ploy is 15, a sweet unspoilt kid who I have known for a few years so is comfortable with me. Nat has several businesses, one of them selling plastic bags to local businesses which she keeps in the apartment that doubles as a lock-up. Her other businesses include real estate and selling eggs (don’t ask). Her business empire is quite diverse and fascinating, and she tries to convince me she has no money and is destitute but knows she is not completely fooling me.
We return to the city to a restaurant that was the girl’s choice. It is a cross between a sushi (with a conveyor belt) and a Saki hot-pot establishment. The food was tasty but insubstantial. Once the girls had their fill, we take a stroll around the market in UD Town buying a few things for the girls including a little mermaid themed swimming costume for Christina.
We leave Christina with Ploy at the apartment and return to the Centura. We have a quiet drink in the hotel bar before retiring to bed. Nat is getting quite chubby but we have the most passionate sex I have had for some time. I was pleasantly surprised and remark that on my two previous visits she had made me wait until the last day as I was leaving before engaging in intimacy.
Next morning after collecting Ploy and Christina we make our way to the Irish Clock pub for breakfast. The Irish Clock serves one of the best English breakfasts in Thailand. I had stayed in one of their spacious bedrooms on my previous two visits (as recommended by Stick) but could not get in this year. The owner explained the law had changed regarding certification of hotels / inns so they had to reduce the number of rooms they made available. When I later stepped outside for a cigarette I noticed the group of bars opposite that I had previously spent a few evenings in had been demolished.
We return to the Centura and go for a stroll in the Central Plaza Mall. It was interesting to see pets being openly sold with puppies, kittens and rabbits on display. This is not allowed in the UK and I remark that the last time I had seen cuddly pets sold like this was in China…where they were for consumption as food.
I take Christina to the hotel swimming pool as promised. It has been 20 years since my lads were this age and I had forgotten the pleasure children take in swimming pools. She joined in with a group of Thai youngsters and was having a delightful time. I had also forgotten how difficult it is to persuade youngsters to get out of the pool when it is time to go.
We take dinner in the outside area of the hotel. It is a most impressive set-up. There is a guitarist / singer entertaining the diners creating a pleasant atmosphere. Surrounding the dining area is a series of small stalls serving an assortment of Issan food cooked in barbeque style. It is a truly delightful arrangement delivering an exquisite variety of food. With a beautiful cool breeze and a supply of cold beer it was one of the most idyllic evenings I have experienced in 14 years of visiting Thailand. At 11:00 the rain began to fall in a torrent and we were all forced inside.
Nat left with Christina to her apartment, as the next day was a school day. I had no quarrel with this so was happy to sleep alone. I did consider taking a stroll down to the bar areas at Nutty Park or even Day and Night. Maybe I am getting old and lazy (rhetorical) but decided to sit and listen to the attractive chanteuse singing in the hotel bar instead.
In the morning, I walk down to the car park for a cigarette and got chatting to a French geezer on a similar mission. He gave me the story of his son who had met a Thai lady and moved with her to Udon. I could have finished the story for him as it is repeated so many times. Sure enough, she took him for all his money leaving him homeless, stranded and penniless. My French chum had apparently come to Thailand to rescue him.
I partake of the buffet breakfast in the hotel then have a walk around the Central plaza to find an ATM. I find it is only Bangkok Bank that took my card but manage to replenish my wallet. Whilst waiting for Nat I take a close look at the two impressive Thai / Chinese Lion statues that stand outside the hotel entrance. A cursory glance identified them as made from cast iron. As I guessed Nat would keep me waiting a while, I examined these statues more closely. Having identified the split lines, core joints and witness to the running system, I very quickly established the method of production the artisans had used. I felt a sense of accomplishment which is quite sad really. Each Lion has a ball inside its mouth which although moves freely cannot be removed. I noticed this fascinates visitors who see it. In fact, as I was waiting there a group of Chinese tourists were trying to remove it. I explained to them how it was formed by a sand core during the casting process but they are singularly uninterested.
Nat and Christina arrive, and we consider visiting tourist attractions but dark clouds suggested a storm was imminent. So, we go to the Plaza and the Leam Chareon fish restaurant for lunch. We have fish with fresh oysters, squid, prawns, tom kha soup, som tam and many other unidentifiable Issan delights. The food is very tasty and good value. Nat had some business so left me for couple of hours. The promised storm finally arrived so I returned to my room to take an afternoon nap. My room is on a high floor so had a great view of the biggest thunderstorm I had ever seen in Thailand.
Nat picks me up at 8:00. As well as her daughter, she had her sister Gow and Boo (another alleged niece) with her. I have known her sister Gow for years and we get on well. Boo is 28, a most attractive girl with a great body and nice smile. She gives me lots of attention because she is hoping I will find a western boyfriend for her. She is stunning but I know I will not find a guy for her because she is narcissistic and an unashamed gold digger. However, she is good-looking so I am always happy to have her around.
We are going to the Zaab bar in UD Town. This is an amazing place with hundreds of tables surrounded by a variety of food outlets too numerous to mention. I procure a 3-litre tower of Chang for 499 baht which includes a Chang hostess pretty to serve it and know I will procure another within the hour. I have five girls to look after me, and I revel in their attention as they feed me copious dishes both Issan and Thai delicacies. These included chicken, meatballs, snails, frog’s legs, oysters, squid, prawns and crab. I was in ecstasy with great food and female attention listening to a good band playing on stage. The evening ended far too quickly.
I would certainly recommend this venue to any visitor to the city but it can be a little overwhelming so suggest you take a couple of Thai girls to look after you.
Nat dropped me off at the Centura. I suggested she didn’t return and stay in her apartment as it would be very late after she had dropped everyone off and involve her driving in the dark which I was not happy about.
Next morning Nat turned up with Christina and Boo and again we drive to the Irish Clock for breakfast. Nat’s vehicle is a Toyota Fortuna, a few years old but still in good condition. I must confess I send her money to keep it serviced and maintained. This is not entirely altruistic as I know I am going to be driven about in it when I make my annual visit.
We drive into the countryside to St Thomas Catholic church for their 20-year anniversary celebrations. The church is set in huge grounds and there were dozens of marquees, numerous food stalls with hundreds of people enjoying the festivities. I am informed it is an ecumenical occasion with Catholics and Buddhists freely intermingling in a spirit of harmony that was pleasing to behold. I suspect the natural inclination for Thais to participate in a party whatever the occasion played a part but we should never let the facts spoil a good story.
The church was packed to the rafters for the actual service so I couldn’t get near but did enjoy the procession after the service. In the subsequent social exchanges Nat’s mom introduced me to the Bishop of Issan and her local priest who proudly showed me around his charming church. I told him I was particularly captivated by the stations of the cross which had been hand carved in wood. He was delighted with my noticing and explained they had been created by a team of local craftsmen. I could see I had gained further brownie points with Nat’s mom for my interest.
I am introduced to a bewildering number of cousins, aunties and nieces until I am buttonholed by an American missionary who declared he had heard I was a foundryman and wanted to pick my brains. He was a mechanical engineer by training and had associations with several engineering colleges across South-East Asia in his mission. He wanted to know more about the processes involved with the melting and casting of metals for some reason. He was clearly a very educated and intelligent individual who bombarded me with some highly astute questions for about 20 minutes. I had not used my brain for two weeks so his enquiries stretched me a little but he seemed extremely happy with our conversation until thirst from the heat finally concluded it. I never fail to be surprised by the interesting people I meet in unusual circumstances when in Thailand.
We drop Christina back at her boarding school and Boo at her flat and returned to the Centura for a rather agreeable session of what my one aunty referred to as “unpleasantness.” I am pleasingly surprised at the amount of intimate attention I am getting from Nat this visit, I may have to take a lad on.
The next day Nat committed me to taking the family out for her mother’s birthday. We end up at MK which would not have been my choice. I hate the hot-pot concept so I make a side order of pork and duck so I could eat something whilst everyone is busy making some indigestible soup for twenty minutes. Everyone else loved it however, speeches are made, toasts given and everyone is happy with me. It only cost me just over 3,000 baht for 10 people! Nat returns to the hotel with me and gives me some incredible sex, so it was money well spent?
I take a pleasant breakfast in the hotel whilst Nat leaves me to deliver some plastic bags (or some eggs?) so I have a lazy day exploring the Central Plaza mall. That evening I enjoy a buffet in the hotel. I again consider a visit down to the bar areas but decided to stay and listen to the attractive singer and her band in the hotel lobby
The next morning Nat picks me up to take breakfast at the Irish Clock then for a drive out to the outskirts of the city. She wanted to show me a piece of land she owned. We turned off the main road near to the international school Christina attended. The plot was in a good position near enough to the main road for access but far enough for comfort. It sat opposite a large western style house. Nat informs me it is one-third of a rai which is about 500 square metres and big enough for a decent, western-style house. It is a good plot but saw it needed backfilling to bring it level. When I mentioned this she quickly replied that it needed 100 loads at 750 baht each.
We drive for an hour or so through Nongbualamphu province. The journey gives us the first opportunity to chat on our own. Amongst the topics discussed I wanted to know her take on the current political climate. She expressed some forthright views which both surprised and interested me. However, she was at pains to explain I should never ever mention anything even vaguely political outside of her vehicle. She described the current Thailand as paranoid with a bewildered populace ready to report anyone to the authorities. She obviously didn’t use those words but I understood her message.
We are heading to Sriburuang to see another plot near her sister’s home where she is building a house. It is almost complete but I must confess it was not to my taste with Thai dragons painted on the door and very much in the Thai style but it was in a good location and built to a good standard.
There were dogs everywhere and I was amused to see a boy herding a buffalo and its calf on the road alongside the house. I spot Nat’s brother walking up the lane. He is an interesting character, an ex-Thai boxer and one of the scariest looking blokes I have ever met. He is the epitome of the massive muscled tattooed heavy but on seeing me comes running and greets me like a long-lost brother giving me a hug that took the wind out of me. Maybe this is because I always slip him 2,000 baht when I see him (without his sister’s knowing) and have always entertained his daughter Ploy on my visits. In his youth, he spent time in jail, for what I have never established, but he has worked hard to rebuild his life and I do appreciate it is difficult for him. If I ever needed a bodyguard in Thailand he would be my first choice. As before I slipped him 2,000 baht when his sister wasn’t looking.
Nat drives me to see another plot of land I had not seen before. It was a substantial site at least an acre and deep in the countryside. She had built a small building which served as an office and small temple for her meditations. She had sorted the water supply with an impressive well and pumping system and had planted some 120 banana trees and a few papaya plants. I could see the future potential of this land.
We visited the market in the town centre where her mother and sister had a stall selling food. I was treated like some visiting celebrity and was even introduced to the parents of a girl who I had shagged some 10 years earlier. She had been introduced to me by Nat, it is a long story, quite bizarre and could only happen in Thailand
Driving back to Udon we experienced a cloud of flies the like I have never experienced before. We drove through this swarm for a full 5 minutes which totally defeated her windscreen wipers blacking out the windscreen. We stop at the next service station. I clean her windscreen and sent her to purchase some windscreen washer formulation. She was bemused but did as I directed. I replaced the windscreen fluids and we had no problem for the next 20 miles and arrived safely back at the Centura.
I have a morbid fascination with Thai TV which is deliciously simple-minded. I am enthralled by the delightful young fillys I see on the news channels. They are far more pleasing to the eye than the aesthetically challenged harridans on British TV particularly on the BBC. Please don’t get me started on the BBC… or PCC as I call it (Politically Correct Coven). What was once an august and respected institution has been infiltrated by rabid feminists and cultural Marxists. The blatant left-wing bias of their current affairs and news coverage alone beggars belief and often has me screaming in apoplexy at the TV screen. No …. please don’t get me started on the BBC.
Earlier in the week I had noticed that the Centura Hotel advertised a karaoke bar in the basement. On seeing this I asked Boo to invite some of her friends to join us for a karaoke evening when I sorted it.
Boo and three of her friends meet us at the restaurant outside the hotel. They were real babes with all three being solid 7s. Nat laughed at my pleasure and knew I would be happy to pay for the evening. We had a wonderful dinner, Thai girls know how to order food in great quantities. The only concern was that one of the girls said she had bought her 8-year-old daughter with her but had left her alone asleep in her vehicle in the car park. I was annoyed at this irresponsibility and insisted she bring her down to join us. When her daughter joined us, I recognise her as one of Christina’s school friends
After I pay the bill for dinner we all take the elevator down to the karaoke bar in the basement of the hotel. On entering I was fascinated by the number of young pretty girls clearly available. We are shown into a private room like the KTM system I saw when working in China a few years ago.
The girls where delighted and set up the computer that delivered the songs. I ordered food and drinks and the girls started singing. Unfortunately for me, there was not a single song on the list I knew. The only western song available was “Hotel California” which is one of the only songs in the world I cannot sing…. what a bummer. I accepted this but was not too disappointed as all my girls had a great time. At the end of the night they hugged and kissed me in gratitude. I was amazed the evening only cost me 5,000 baht, a figure I could easily waste in half a day in Bangkok.
I must admit I had a wonderful time in Udon I love the ambiance and pace of the city which is a great antidote to the frenzy that is Bangkok. I had spent a lot of money giving largesse but had hopefully given some pleasure to a few people who may have appreciated my generosity. Despite my extravagance I had still not spent anything like as much as I had in the previous week in Bangkok. The next day I am to return to Bangkok and then travel to Pattaya for a week before I return to Blighty.
I will never remarry Nat as she wants me to but will always be her friend and will continue to visit her in future years. I can envisage spending part of my retirement with her in Udon Thani, at least a portion of the year. I just need a workable plan that I am too lazy to explore at present
The next day Nat drives me to Udon airport. She informs me she needs 6,000 baht to pay her rent. I had received a 3,000-baht refund from the Centura from my booking deposit. I gave this to her and told her not to be so greedy. She accepted it gratefully and smiled as she understood the boundaries I always set to her avarice.
I have read through this missive and must confess it is boring and not the usual fare my Stickman readers expect. I acknowledge it is almost domestic in its content and apologise accordingly.
I mount the midday Thai Smile flight to Bangkok with the objective of a week in the sin city of Pattaya. I am sure I can get myself into an acceptable amount of reportable mischief to mitigate my week in Issan. As always, I ask you to watch this space.
The author can be contacted at : [email protected]