Can’t Shake The Suspicions…

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I took my first trip (2 weeks) to Thailand in October, 2015. Originally it was just going to be myself and a couple of old school friends but we found out that a couple of older guys from our hometown who have been going out there for years were going at the same time and offered to take us under their wing (my friends and I are 24/25 whereas the other guys were in their 50s).

I knew nothing about Thailand before going (and I still know very little) but I'd heard the odd story and I was slightly worried that I'd get drunk and end up getting married or something but was reassured that 1.) that just doesn't happen and 2.) as a young man, the girls won't be interested in that because "young man not have money".

I had no intention of going as a sex tourist (I didn't even sleep with a prostitute in Amsterdam) and said to my friends I wouldn't be doing that. However, I know what I'm like so I did a bit of research on Thai girls when I did my standard pre-trip research (how not to offend the locals people in general and how to not get arrested) before going. After a bit of reading up I decided to set some ground rules for myself, the main ones being don't get too emotionally attached; don't give out contact details, always use protection, don't touch any drugs, be polite and respectful to locals and don't break things.

The holiday was amazing and I'm already about to book another holiday out there. It wasn't the seedy sex tour I'd feared but we did visit a fair amount of bars in Bangkok, Pattaya and Koh Chang. I ended up going with a few but this is really about one in particular.

I met her in Koh Chang and had her stay with me the whole time I was there. The problem is that I've been looking for "red flags" based on what I've read and what I was told by our 'chaperones'. So far I'm struggling, in fact a lot of things seem to fly directly in the face of what I was told. I ended up breaking one of my rules and gave her my email address, half expecting that I would never hear from her. How wrong I was. We were emailing for a few days before she sends me a Facebook friend request which I decline and she says she understands why but she wants to see pictures of me so she doesn't forget what I look like. In the end I give her my Skype name and we've been talking on there. At first I just thought "we're just talking" but things are getting very weird.

My problem is this; I can't work out what she's after. From what I understand, when this kind of thing happens it's usually between an older man and a young Thai girl. The general preconception being he wants a young bride and she wants the financial security (apologies for the big sweeping statement). Here's the thing; she's 4 years older than I am and she knows she won't be getting any financial security from me (I'm not rich but earn a decent salary but I lied and told her I'm really poor). No matter what she said, I was suspicious of her from the start despite her seeming totally genuine because of the stories I'd heard. I kept telling myself that as soon as she asks me for money I'll end it. 4 months later and she hasn't asked for anything. She went back home for a while because her Mum was sick and I thought "here we go" but she didn't ask me for any money and introduced me to the family (over Skype – I felt incredibly awkward throughout this but that's just me). She went back to Koh Chang once her Mum was out of hospital and all was back to normal. After Christmas I was a bit short on cash which I mentioned when she asked why I hadn't gone out on a Friday night and she asked if I wanted her to send me some money because when I said "no money", she thought I meant literally no money to eat or anything. Also worth noting that our last night together she paid the barfine and didn't charge me (I feel bad about this now though because I think she would have needed it more than me).

It doesn't seem to me like she wants money, nor does she ever want to visit England because she really doesn't like the cold. So what does she want? As far as I can tell all she wants is to talk all the time (too much in my opinion, she calls several times a day and gets angry when I don't answer). She keeps saying scary things like "You young man, not have money but for me OK, we work for money and family and future". It's all a bit much for me and yet I can't stop thinking about her let alone break it off with her. I can't see how it could possibly work. I'm on for a good career and can't throw it away to move to Thailand for a low wage job and I'm sure she'd hate the UK. I also think about things like being around friends and family and how she could fit into it all. I just can't see it. Plus, what would everyone think? Nobody back home knows about this girl, by the way.

Other red flags is that she'd say she'd only worked in the bar for 2 weeks, she straight up told me she's done it since she was 15 (or she said she worked in Bangkok from 15-25 and I drew my own conclusions). They said she would lie about where she was from but she didn't. They said she would lie about whether she had children but she told me about her son straight away. They said she would lie and say she hasn't gone with other customers since I've left but she's been honest about that (although she keeps saying she's going to take another job but hasn't yet – the only BS I've found so far). They said she would always say her phone was out of battery when I try to call her but, as I alluded to earlier, if anything there's too much contact (as I write this, there's 8 missed calls and 14 Skype messages on my phone). She always makes a point of how she tells me everything because she "not fake", she "really loves" me and wants me to love her for who she really is…I believe her. I mean, you wouldn't lie about having been on meth in the past in this situation would you?

I fear that from this story I've probably made her out to seem like a horrible person but the problem is she isn't. She seems nice, genuine and funny. She seems genuinely interested in me despite the fact I have nothing to offer her but that's the whole problem. I like her but I can't help but feel there's something I'm missing. Also I'm very shallow and I'm not sure I'm ready for commitment – I've been avoiding getting too serious with anyone in the UK as I want to enjoy being young while I can. So, in fact, I think I'm the horrible person here.

Another interesting note is that while she's going with customers over there, the other day she threatened to kill me because I ended up going back with a girl I met in a nightclub in London. What's that all about? She's fine now and says she understands because we're so far apart but should I be worried about being stabbed in my sleep if I go back and see her again?

None of this makes any sense to me. What's going on? Am I one of these people that turn Thai bar girls into the cold, calculated money grabbers they're often portrayed as? I almost hoped she would do something to shatter the illusion so I could break it off with her without feeling bad. As much as it pains me to admit, I think it would hurt (but I'd get over it). After all, this isn't the first time I've fallen for a girl I shouldn't have. Right now though, she just seems like a lovely girl who's had a bit of a tough hand in life and I really don't want to upset or hurt her but I can't see a future with her either.

I see it as highly unlikely that her feelings for me are genuine but if they are real, the unlikelihood of it happening may mean I regret letting it pass me by in years to come.

Stick’s thoughts:

You and this lady only spent a short amount of time together and while you don't say just how long, I assume it was just a few days and probably no more than 5. That is nowhere near enough time to really get to know a lady.

It's great that you're so positive about her but I would suggest you re-read what you have written or alternatively let someone who is objective read it and see what they make of it. I see this because there ARE rather a few red flags! That she gets demanding when you don't answer the phone is not serious, but she has no right to do that. That she got angry when you ended up with a lady in a nightclub in London is something she has no right to feel, especially when she is going with men she meets in the bar. And that she threatened to kill you – no matter much she may have been joking or how absurd such a claim may seem when she is in one country and you're in another – says to me that this lady is "off". She sounds like a control freak trying to manipulate you in to behaving in a way / doing things that suits her.

My advice would be to quickly forget her. You had a good time with her on holiday and I would leave it at that. You might not see any negative points in her but I sure as hell do!