Back in Jakarta Part 3
The state of affairs after 2 months is still the same, but I will not try to bemoan my faith too much. I am invisible to the Indonesian girls I try to attract and that is how it is, it is not going to change and therefore I should let it rest. Meanwhile the Western guys (bule) living here are all living like it's one continuous party where the bule are the stars, celebrities and they love it. I think Jakarta is a paradise for them, being constantly chased and wanted by hot and gorgeous girls and that every day, a man must feel on top of the world, he must feel like a king.
This is how Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise felt in their most successful and most famous years. I will never experience that feeling. I feel totally opposite here in Jakarta. I feel like a misfit, a nobody, somebody who is not wanted and not liked.
It used to be only the pretty girls that avoided and ignored me, the not so good-looking girls would still be friendly and the guys would also not mind talking to me. But even that has changed and now it seems like nobody wants to have anything to do with me including the not so good-looking women and guys.
Perhaps they sense my distress, unhappiness, shyness, lack of confidence and most people (if not everybody) are drawn to confident, happy and strong guys. The Western guys living in Jakarta are all like that because the fact that all the girls like them has made them very confident, happy and strong, so no surprise here.
Meanwhile I am working hard, at least 7 hours every day and it helps a bit to release the stress and anxiety. I try to go out as little as possible because I don't want to be confronted with other people too much. Unfortunately the Internet in my place is offline so I have to go to the mall to work. I did this Saturday and I had to watch the never ending parade of white guys with their latest fashion model lookalike conquest and, yes, I was jealous but I am trying to fight the jealousy because this is the biggest problem I have here in Jakarta. The thing that makes me the most miserable is watching the other white guys who always sit or walk around with a local hottie. You hardly ever see a white guy walking alone here – it is almost non-existent. They are wanted too much to be alone longer than, let's say, 5 minutes. And girls here will approach Western guys who sit alone in a cafe at a mall. I see this happening all the time around me albeit I never get approached of course. I don't even receive a single look from any girl.
I have actually gotten over my depression to such an extent that I can function again. It's still there of course but not as much on the surface as it was before. The problem I have now is that I don't like to go anywhere, to malls, cafes and other places where people are. I think I am developing some agoraphobia which is probably a symptom of my depression and anxiety also. I totally don't feel comfortable anymore in any public place.
Right now I am in contact with a 49-year old woman. Normally I would not chase a woman like this. She is divorced and has 5 kids, on the overweight side (about 65 kg and 152 cm tall). I met her online through DateInAsia and she was actually the only Indonesian woman showing interest in me and who mailed me.
I have only met her one time so far for dinner and it went fine. Age-wise we are quite close – I am 47 almost so she is only a little bit older then me.
She comes from a dirt poor background in Jakarta so I will have to financially take care but that is no problem because I make enough, but I have stated I will not look after her 5 kids who are anyway old enough to work and find their own money (the youngest one is 19 years old) and some of them do already. She was kinda ok with that but I know there will soon be requests for money for her kids.
People reading this might think, my God, why does he choose an old overweight woman with no money and 5 kids? Probably not one single sane white guy in Asia, no matter how old and out of shape he is, will ever seek out that kind of woman. But I just don't want to be alone all the time. We all need somebody and beggars cannot be choosers. Right now I am in the situation that nobody wants me and if then finally somebody comes along, how undesirable she might be I will still take it because there is nothing else to choose. At least I will have somebody to talk to and spend time with, it will make me a bit less lonely and maybe a bit more happy.
I will be in Thailand between 8 December and 15 December. I don't know if somebody wants to meet up with me but if one does he is welcome to join and I will of course pick up the tab.
My email is [email protected]
I wish I had some suggestions for you. I guess you need to get over the anxiety issue and get some confidence back to become attractive to the opposite sex. I really don't know much about that sort of thing, but do find that if I am ever feeling down, eating some good (read: healthy) food and vigorous exercise can do wonders. I also find that a few cups of green tea every day keeps me feeling relaxed. Give it a go – it might help and even if it doesn't, it won't hurt your wallet or your health!