Readers' Submissions

Tossed Salad

  • Written by Pinball
  • November 8th, 2014
  • 7 min read



ladyboys


Meanwhile, back at nerve central, what can be said… Only that which has already, somewhere, at some point, no doubt, concerning the ministrations alluded to in the subject line of this entry. Deftly if not wickedly preformed by certain lasses of a certain segment of Thai society, and now this, recorded here for posterity's sake into the annals of Stickman.

A new experience for myself, perhaps old news to others, your indulgence may be tested here.

Hmmm could it be? A unique society wide, erotic practice, hi-so to rice farmer's daughter? What a titillating prospect. One wonders if data exists evaluating the relative merits, if not medical efficacy of this activity over traditional forms of treatment for ailments of "The Far Territories." How can anything that feels THAT good not be healthful? It certainly FEELS curative!

Rhoids,' Fissures, Chancres, Chancroid, Proctits, Fistulee, Proctosigmoidoscopy and any number of other horrifying descriptives concerning afflictions of 'Ye Olde Winkin Stinker.' Traditionally attended to by individuals with equally repugnant monikers. Who comes up with this stuff?!! A Thai proctologist?… Curious… What would that look like? I bet one could be found up Sukhumvit. Prescription for sitz bath and Salad Services? Your friendly Nana neighborhood pharmacist would no doubt know a good 'therapist'

Speculatively speaking, many "want to be ladies" or "used to be dudes", at the many lube and tune shops around town, may indeed be more skilled 'Salad Tossers' than ones average working girl. That is of course, if their oft aggressive advertising mannerisms and claims are to be taken as earnestly as they are proffered.

A stroll up Sukhumvit can illuminate what I'm talking about, if anyone is wondering about this. Not always pleasant, often surprisingly earnest. I was going to use the word 'sincere' instead of 'earnest' yet now, after having a first few trips to BKK in my log book, it would seem that the word sincere, should be left at home, for safe keeping. Not that there is anything wrong with earnestness mind you, certainly its manifestation in all manner of situation can be MOST rewarding. But I digress.

Are there establishments where "Salad Tossing" is the primary attraction? YIKES!! It is Thailand after all… A Salad Tossing training academy perhaps? Get your Vocational training certificate down at Wat Lows, Culinary Arts and Salad Tossing Academy, conveniently located on Soi Ehnus 86. Just look for the flashing neon bunghole.

As an aside, what oh what could be transpiring this very moment in the sanctity of the monogamy bound, marital boudoir, of the mortgaged to the hilt, 3 kids, overworked, sitcom saturated, nuclear family bedroom tonight? Replete with clogged arteries quivering cellulite, drooping parts, not so snug parts and flaccid…desire. Terrifying to think of the depraved and gymnastic maneuvers employed to impassion the participants, that in aggregate are referred to as sex. And to think that many of these participants would heartily spew with bellicose vigor, self righteous invectives concerning the activities and character deficiencies of the many Farangs here in the LOS. How many of us have had that bit happen? I have.

She doesn't say she loves me nor do I require it. Her delicate and deliberate manner with my defiantly delicate matter, speaks volumes to the senses, as attested to by the utterings which oft uncontrollably emanate from my being, in those rarefied moments. Perhaps what's really going on in these moments is in fact a form of 'neuro linguistic reprogramming'

A feeling of agog-ness, ensues as she lovingly administers her tender entreaties to my "Southernmost Provinces" She's a professional, there is no doubt.

A fly in the ointment, however does here arise. That fly, being, in point of fact, the inspiration for this missive.

The de rigueur bath is taken prior to the commencement of festivities, certainly, yet, the aggressive scrubbing that one as a western person, would expect as a prerequisite to offering "neuro linguistic reprogramming" she does seem oddly to be a bit shy about, as if that would be too intimate or rude…"we wouldn't want to be too familiar (in the bathing portion of the show) before we get WAY familiar, now would we?" Then again, perhaps this has more to do with the "laxness" of which Stick has repeatedly referred in regards to sexual safety practices here. Thai society generally seems a bit lax when it comes to personal safety, to state the obvious.

"It better smell like you've got a bar of soap up in there sweetie!" I've not heard said, yet expect to. No doubt, from all those years of western corporate germ terror propaganda.

Lost in the reverie of the moment, there comes a juncture when she comes up for air her beautiful face moving close to mine. A hypnotic moment of repose, spent gazing into her eyes, the soul of Siam, considering her full lips, begging to meet mine. The senses being heightened at this point, (amongst other things), perceptions of time, space, colors and textures are exaggerated or enhanced. Certainly the olfactory senses are at a peak of performance at this time also.

Ahem, Gentlemen (and ladies, if present) I ask you… As a general rule do we all not think that our own bilious byproduct don't stink? Sure we do.. (Alas, so many busy themselves trying to convince others, about their rosy fragrance) Yet…

THE remotest possibility of having an olfactory five alarm warning result from noticing even an atom sized trace odor of some unaccounted for remnant of ones own bilious by products, at close range, on the breath or oral facilities of ones 'fem de joir' at the aforementioned moment of repose…just takes the wind right out of things. Full freaking stop.

Throw in the knowledge of not having been her first adherent of the day, (she took a call from &@*hole number 3 whilst in mid-toss with me) things become even more de-spirit-ing.

Certainly there never was a reason other than for self delusions sake, (oh that) to believe that mine was the only schphincter in BKK to be receiving these attentions, from that tongue and those lips that just smooched me.

Speculative metrics anyone? Concerning the hygienic quality of those sphincters seen walking the lanes on any given balmy day in the LOS? Maybe I've gone too far here…

These thoughts or impressions come to the fore in milliseconds, leaving one I'll at ease with highly mixed emotions and a lingering sense of having participated in the despoiling of ones own self.

The Hypnotic spell is broken and one is consumed with the idea of purification of mind, body and soul. Some of life's experiences are difficult to wash off.

It wouldn't be surprising to find that these practices are not healthful or a recommended activity by western medical authorities either as received or given.

Although this activity is still novel and feels great, perhaps some rethinking of included activities is worth considering. I mean, what a way to catch Ebola!!

Veering left for a minute… Say said lass has two customers in a day and it just so happens that their orifices, for one reason or another just weren't up to spec. Would said fem go home thinking she had had a '*#!tty day at work'? Pretty much would qualify in my book! Perhaps however, in the working day of a Thai proctological therapist, that, in and of it self, does not actually rate, on the list of 'crappy day at work' considerations. Who knows really?… As inexplicable as things can be around here.

All other local and world affairs aside, (such as Sustainable Happiness and Ebola) a closing thought. With a view towards a certain historical/cultural reputation hereabouts, that of the fairer sex's proficiency and desire-ability as lovers, I would opine this: Appreciating a cumulative and shared body of 'tribal knowledge' proficiency of method, combined with a seasoned and skilled workforce of considerable numbers… some if not many of the current crop of ladies of Old Siam, often do indeed, stand in good stead the revered cultural heritage of their gender.

Listerine anyone?
Bottoms up!