Readers' Submissions

Jus’ the Way I Likes It





Me, I’m still here. Of course I’m still here. Why would I leave?

Listen, Mate, no stay a mo’ and listen to me. Next round’s on me. C’mon, siddown.

So yeah, I’m still here. Lot’s of ‘em come and go, poor buggers, but I stay. They go home to their wives and jobs and kids and I just know it tears ‘em up that I get to stay. Right here, right here in Bangkok. Jus’ the way I likes it.

Why should I go home? Women there treat me like shite. I guess I’m not tall enough for ‘em, or not athletic enough. Maybe I aint got enough money. Bitches. Birds here in Bangkok like me enough. Can’t swing a dead cat without hittin’ a bird who’s ready for anything. Course, some of ‘em ‘ere won’t go with me either, if I’m being honest. Stuck up bitches everywhere these days. But there’s always a girl in the bar who’ll go with me. Not for long time, just short time. But that’s the way I likes it. Why would I want a whore hangin’ around my place all night? One time I found one of ‘em in the crapper, cleanin’ her arsehole with my toothbrush! Can you imagine the stupidity? They’re only good for one thing, these Thai bints. Just come home and blow me and get the hell out, that’s what I say. That’s the way I likes it.

What? No, listen, just stay a bit longer. C’mon, I’ll buy ya another. What are you, a fuckin’ lightweight? That’s it. Sit right back down and have another. Lemme tell ya about Bangkok, boy.
Here it don’t matter what a man looks like or how much he weighs or what he does for a livin’. It jus’ matters how much baht he’s got in his pockets. You unner’stand? And it aint just the women. The great thing about Asia is that the brown folk still know their place. They treat a man right over here. You get a haircut in Bangkok and they’ll massage your temples and trim the hair out of your nose and ears. I ain’t shittin’ ya! Some places you can even getcher dick sucked while yer getting’ yer hair cut! No, I mean it! Ain’t that heaven? That’s the way I like it, boy. Jus’ the way I like it.

Man can do what he wants out here. Nobody tellin’ him what to do alla time. No fuckin’ rules here in Bangkok, ya know? ‘Course ya gotta watch out for the Boys in Brown. Jus’ keep yer head down and don’t make eye contact, know what I mean? I got beat real bad last year, put me in the fuckin’ hospital for a coupla days. Didn’t do nothin’ but tell a cop my side o’ the fuckin’ story. Little bitch wouldn’t let me give it to her like I like it, ya know? So I wouldn’t pay her. Makes sense, right? Well not here. Here the copper’s gonna be on the bitch’s side. Hell, she’s probly his little sister.

Only three kinds of birds here in Bangkok, Mate: Virgins, Wives and Whores. Only one kind of man: Pimps. All of ‘em. Fuckin’ President’ll sell ya his daughter for a pack o’ smokes.

Hey, wait, c’mon now, don’t leave. Let me buy ya another. Whaddaya mean, ya had enough? It’s early. Yeah, I know, they say they’re closin’ the bar, but there are other places we can go…

Look, Mate, I know we just met but I really gotta ask you to stay. See, thing of it is like, I haven’t been sleepin’ so good lately. Funniest thing, I’m kinda scared to go home. It’s like I can’t face my rooms any more. Too quiet. The birds won’t stay the night, they say my place is, well, they say it’s dirty. Hell, I can’t afford a maid no more. I can’t work so good these days, not with all the drinkin’. Gotta save my satang for liquor. Been drinkin’ a lot lately. But that’s jus’ the way I likes it, ya know?

So whaddaya say, Mate? Whaddaya say we go out and make a night of it? Thermae’s always open late. We’ll get a bottle and there’s a bird I know who’ll go with us up on the roof of this building I know. The locks are always broke. We can go up there and my old Teerak will suck us both. ‘Course, you’ll have to give her sumpin’ for it, right? You can spring for us both, cantcha, Mate? I’m pretty low on funds this week, if ya know what I mean. In fact, it would be grand of you to pick up this here tab. Then we’ll go up there and get royally pissed and get our knobs waxed and watch the sun come up. That’s what I call a night. That’s the way I likes it.

Please. Please, Mate. I’m beggin’ ya. They’re turnin’ off the lights. There’s nobody left on the street. I can’t be alone. I can’t go home alone. I don’t know what I’ll do if I go home alone. It’s too quiet there, Mate. Too fuckin’ quiet. The ringin’ in my fuckin’ ears…

Alright, fuck ya then. See if I care. Take yer fuckin’ bloody cheap ass outa here and I hope I never see ya again. Pay fer yer own Goddamn drinks and go on back to wherever you come from and go back to yer fuckin’ borin’ fuckin’ life. Tha’s right, walk away, ya poof. I’m this close to kickin’ yer bloody ass ya wanker. Go on back to yer stupid borin’ job and yer stupid borin’ wife and remember every fuckin’ day that I’m still here in Bangkok, livin’ the life you wish you had. No responsibilities. Nothin’ tyin’ me down. Jus’ me and the bints and the bottle. That’s the way I fuckin’ likes it.

Yeah, I’m leavin’. Getcher fuckin’ hands off me, ya Thai wanker. I’ll kick yer little brown ass for yer.

Yeah, I got money. Wait a minute. Where’s my… Hey, where’s my… Nevermind. Got it. Here’s ya fuckin’ money.

I’m goin’. Keep yer bloody hands off o’ me. Said I’m goin’. Alone, too. Jus’ the way I likes it.