Readers' Submissions

A Trilogy, 1 of 3: Attack of the Clones


Town Lodge Bangkok


And so here I was in a second tier city in China, staying with my friend MUFF for a few weeks whilst looking for work. I had come over from the Philippines where I was living for a few job interviews. My industry has suffered badly from the recession and being an expat with no desire to return home, options were and still are few and far between.

It has been many years since I was in this city and MUFF decided take me out each night to sample the delights and in fairness, there were a few western bars of adequate quality, each with their own Filipino band, of adequate quality.

On the second or third night he takes me to one particular bar to witness the near naked singer of the resident band and exactly as he described her, she was near naked, typical Filipina, petite, shapely….and covered in tattoos.

Something I normally despise, but for some reason on this rock chick it was quite appealing.

MUFF had to work and it was his home turf (don’t sh*t the nest as the saying goes). I, however, was away and felt the urge to sh*t MUFF’s nest (apologies MUFF).

So after a few nights the little rock chick who turned out to be called Tine (Tina) and I had ‘connected’ and things were going well. She was from Cebu, had one kid, smoked like a chimney and was just short of being an alcoholic. I wasn’t being too fussy. She wasn’t the brightest either and many conversations would take some really strange twists and turns.

On the fist night I was with her and MUFF together a typical conversation struck up; MUFF asked, “So you know who the Queen is?”

“Oh Yeah” TTT (Tiny Tattooed Tine) would answer, “We play some of their songs!” A big smile on her cute face.

“No” MUFF replied, “THE Queen, Queen of the UK?”.

TTT, sips her JD and coke, a blank expression on her face as her mind computes the question.

“Nope” she replies after a minute of soul searching.

MUFF is getting a little exasperated “Right, you know the capital of the UK?”.

Ah, this ones easy for TTT and she replies in an instant, “No”.

“The capital of the UK!” MUFF is raising his voice slightly, again she replies, “Nope”.

“London, the capital of the UK, LONDON!” the veins appear on MUFF’s brow.

TTT pulls out her iPhone, “Is it?” she replies, “Let me take a note of that in case I ever get asked that again” as she taps away at her phone.

“Oh for F**ksake” mutters MUFF.

The following night we are sitting in the company of RTFG (Roland the fat German) and out of the blue, TTT asks him “Do you know what the capital of the UK is?”.

RTFG just smiles and mockingly replies “No”.

TTT jumps up and screams, “LONDON, I kick ass! F**k you!”

I am beginning to wonder what the hell I am doing here.

Now Roland the fat German was a special case. He was in fact called Roland and his name has not been changed to protect the innocent as he wasn’t innocent. He was also German and he was certainly fat, in fact he was obese. He was also boring and a complete sexist pig, but the Filipinos loved him. Okay that is far from true. Roland had an interesting MO which even today I fail to get my head round. Every night he would appear in the pub and sit alone at a table. And he would be alone until such times as he ordered a 6-pack of coke, a bucket of ice and a full bottle of Jack Daniels with numerous glasses. The Filipinos would flock around him, talk to each other in Tagalog and drink his bottle of JD. He would lord it up whilst they drank away, but when the bottle was done, he was back on his own. Every night the same routine. One night, with the misfortune to be in his company and chatting I had to listen to his boring drivel and be regaled stories of his many girlfriends in many places and his many sexual conquests which I am quite sure were a figment of his imagination.

Anyway, I digress. There have been some band changes in the pub and the band is a now three-piece Filipino job – Ama, her husband and TTT. Ama and her husband are actually sound and after work is over we would go for food and mess around, the four of us. All a good, fun and healthy, enjoyable experience.

However one night sticks in my mind, it was Thursday night and the pub was particularly busy, with many visiting Taiwanese and Koreans as well as locals enjoying the music and getting drunk. On this night RTFG wasn’t there.

After the band finishes we are having a few drinks and chatting and after a skinful for myself, the toilet beckons. In this pub, there is only one small, shared, squat toilet with a sliding door and a sink just outside. Nothing fancy.

I am standing outside, rolling on the balls of my feet with my back teeth swimming. The signs were obvious as Ama comes over to me and asks if I need the toilet as well and I reply yes, but it's occupied. Ama replies I know, there are two lesbians in the toilet having it off! Dear god I think to myself, concentrating too much on not wetting myself. Ama has a plan though. She says to me, you stand guard here and don’t let anyone in and I will go first. I can’t even think right now and nod my head, the pain in my bladder is getting very uncomfortable. No as bad as the time my girlfriend tied an elastic band around my knob (god knows why) and I forgot about it and went to the toilet. The pain and burning sensation was unbelievable! Anyway, Ama comes back a few minutes later and says “Right, all done. Now I’ll guard here and you go now” and in I go. And it was then in that moment, on my tip toes, relieving the contents of my bladder into the sink, to the soundtrack of two lesbians, slurping and groaning away at each other not two feet away behind the sliding door that I think, how the hell did Ama piss in this sink?

There really is no point or moral to this story. It certainly suggests that MUFF’s home town is a little bizarre and I suppose don’t tie elastic bands round you knob folks!