Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 378

  • Written by Dana
  • May 4th, 2013
  • 6 min read



Hello Dana fans and Stickman fans. I can not send you cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes through the computer so here is some Internet food for thought. And do not forget that Tuesday of next week is Take-A-Teeruk-To-Work (TATTWD) day. She'll be so proud and interested in everything you do to make a living. You can show her your Rolodex, and your executive washroom key, and your In-and-Out trays, and your screen full of work related logos, and your desk blotter and your calendar. Everyone will want to meet your 'daughter'.

CAVEMAN NOTE:

I am starting to receive packages with no return addresses here at my mansion on Beacon Hill in Boston. Every package has some kind of vegan meal item inside. I think we can all guess who is doing this. All food items have syringe marks so you know that Immigration and Customs here in the States is checking them for drugs. For instance: I received a veggie burger made from soybeans and the patty was full of syringe marks. Kinda puts you off eating I can tell you.

One time I put one of these vegan burgers on the counter while I went to answer the door and when I came back there were three cockroaches on their backs holding up little signs that said:

JUST KILL ME

So if any of you can contact Commander Kumquat in Chiang Mai I would appreciate it if you would tell him to stop sending me vegan food items. Thank-you. Honestly, these vegans are more aggressive than the Jehovah's Witnesses or Feminists or Pat Pong touts. Ok, I'm not really complaining: just tell him is all. Tell him to stop sending me things.

and now:

WHERE ARE YOU?

I haven't seen as much of Thailand as I would like to see. On my short little vacations wandering around does not take top priority. So I miss out on stuff.

A British expat acquaintance and his lovely Thai companion and their son live in Pai. Even with a magnifying glass I could not find it on my big beautiful laminated map of Thailand.

So I emailed him:

"Hey, where are you?"

It turns out that Pai isn't really near anything. Lots of blank spaces on the map. Throw a rock to the west and you might hit Burma. Go west out of Mae Taeng until you can pick up 1095 north: you'll hit Pai. Planes land there. They probably have electricity. Northwest Thailand. Pretty. Flooding when it rains. Temperate climate. I know I would probably be happy as a tourist to be there. I know I'll probably never go.

I had a three year affair once with a wonderful woman. Every night for three years we had adult relations of the boom-boom variety. After we separated I was surprised to realize I had never put my hands in her hair. Just never got to it. Now it was too late.

Thailand is like that for me. Tremendous variety and so many things to do and places to go. I'll never get to it all and I'll never do it all. Kind of sad. Everything about Pai on the Internet and everything my friend tells me about Pai looks interesting and fun. HIs Pai companion is beautiful and charming so I imagine that all the women in Pai look just like her. Probably never get there. Sorry Pai.

A NICE STANDARD

"This is Nit-nit, Noi, and Nat," — from the novel Bangkok 8 by John Burdett.

Hey, I thought only I did this alliteration name thing. Anyway, I am now finishing up this wonderful crime fiction novel for the second time. Maybe the best of the Thai-farang writing genre. Nail-on-the-head correct local and cultural detail and lots of it, page turning plot, and original story. You have never read this story and story ending. Even the publisher, First Vintage Books, weighed in with a nice soft cover July 2004 edition with attractive front and back covers with fun raised lettering. Thinking of writing a Thai-farang novel? This
sets a nice standard.

HOMO LISPERS

"We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know, the place for the first time."
–T.S. Eliot, "Little/Gidding," Four Quartets

Really T (I call him T)? Here is my idea and you can call me Dana. I don't think this really makes much sense. And if we have to work really really hard to make sense out of it then it is hardly worth the effort. This is the kind of poet, mystic, smart person writing that gets everybody all wiggly but if you ask them what the phrase, or the sentence, or the poem means they get a frightened look. Suddenly you are not popular at the party. So, try my essay that follows. Simple, fun, easy to understand. Sure, you will get more attention at the cocktail party for homo lispers and self-centered literary psychic victims, but I will probably receive more emails asking for names and addresses. Enjoy.

Essay

I think as a part of Thailand's desire to be taken seriously on the international stage it is time to start applying western lawsuit language to poor performance of boardwalk cruisers (oh excuse me, personal services entrepreneurs). Example: last week I pledged my heart to an Isaan minx named Min and she pledged to provide in-hotel-room personal services of an adult kind.

Results? She did not provide services promised. My lawsuit declared that she was 'negligently operated, supervised, monitored, controlled, managed, moderated, screened, and/or policed.' Ok, that legal lawsuit language was taken from a woman's lawsuit in the States against a public skating rink where she had suffered injuries but you get the idea.

I believe legal lawsuits and legal lawsuit language levied against underperforming Thai prostitutes are part of the Kingdom's legal modern future. Who wants to get involved in this with me?

We will charter five hundred tuk tuks, elephants, bamboo rafts, taxies, buses, and motorbikes to take ourselves and our petition to the Royal Palace. I will sponsor a kite festival for this. As usual, I am on the crest of the wave of modernity in Thailand but I don't flatter myself into thinking I am the only one with this idea. I'm sure there are many ex-pats and tourists to the Kingdom who have had a similar idea and already have some well thought out points to be considered. Perhaps we could reserve certain motorbikes and elephants and buses for just lawyers. Anyway, be a player and send in your feedback, questions, contributions, and legal samples to:

Prostitute Lawsuit Legal Language Dept.
c/o Dana Enterprises
South Pattaya Road
Pattaya, Thailand
Attn: Lot, Bot, or Snot

Well, there you go kats and kittens. Another week and another five ideas. And do not forget that next Tuesday is Take-Your-Teeruk-To-Work day. Imagine the pride and happiness you will feel when your workmates see how you are spending your personal time. Everyone will want to know all about her and about you and about the two of you. And you can show her where you work and what you do. Be sure and have a video camera ready so that you can capture her using a pencil sharpener for the first time.


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