Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 377

  • Written by Dana
  • April 27th, 2013
  • 6 min read




Sa Wa Dii Khraps and Chok Dii Maaks to all Stickman fans and Dana fans:

Here is something that has been on my mind to write for years. It could have been much much longer but you'll get the idea. I have had many many many bad or disappointing or scary or weird experiences meeting boardwalk ladies and other smiling ladies of the commercial kind in the Kingdom. It is all a part of the equation.

If you swim with sharks you are going to get bitten. If you spend time in a sewer you are going to get someone's turd up your nose. If you frolic in a meadow full of snakes a cobra is going to snap at your penis. If you roll the dice you are going to lose. A lot. You are going to lose a lot. If you put a ferret in your pants it might not go well. All part of the equation. So why do I do it? You know the reason.

But only a fool forgets that a coin has two sides. So here are four little stories that illustrate that every moment is not necessarily going to be the best moment in your life in Thailand. They are all Boardwalk-in-Pattaya stories but anyone else could come up with differently geographied stories. Anyway, enjoy.

BOARDWALK STORIES

Sometimes I get emails from gentlemen who have never been to Thailand. They have read Stickmanbangkok. com and they want to go to Pattaya and meet happy fun ladies on the boardwalk and have happy fun times. They send me an email and ask for advice.

I used to reply with lengthy detailed advice and note that it can be a tough gig sometimes. It is not all happy or fun, especially if you are budget shopping and dealing in volume which is my metier. You have to be a philosophy prize fighter and roll with the punches. I stopped that. Sending the lengthy detailed advice emails. I don't think anyone listened.

At any rate, here are some boardwalk stories that illustrate the other side of happy and fun.

1. I pick up a tranny opposite Starbuck's and take her to the A. A. Hotel. She is terrible. Incompetent. Without prostitute gifts, interest, skills, or charm. A zero. A waste of time.

Finally we are dressed and I give her three hundred baht while holding the door open. She staggers a little bit when she sees the amount but she leaves. Three hundred baht was all she deserved and more than she earned. She got money for nothing. It was a fair amount for just about zero product or service. She did not get abused or cheated.

But I still didn't feel good about it. I decide that I don't want to be a part of any more transactions of the three hundred baht kind. Somehow I need to be a budget shopper amongst boardwalk sleaze but exert a little more control over my decision making. No more 300 baht staggered humans. We need more smiles.

2. I pick up Fa at 9:15 in the morning and we say goodbye on the steps of the hotel around 10:00. She goes back across Beach Road and I go down to Soi Post Office to look for a cardboard box and bubble wrap and packing tape. I have bought a crocodile briefcase and I plan to ship it home to myself.

I'm in a happy mood. Fa and I have been sharing our mornings for years and years. I like her. I believe she likes me. Some of her smiles when she sees me coming would power a city. We are more than just customer and prostitute. More like friends. It's all good. The sun is happy, the birds are happy, and I am happy.

On the way back to the hotel with my box and my bubble wrap and my packing tape I see Fa sitting and talking to her friends. I sit down beside her. I smile at her. I say something friendly. She says:

"If you are going to talk to me you are going to have to pay me."

3. Coming back from my early morning session at the Beach Road Internet place near Soi 10 I see a troop of trannies (flock of geese, school of fish, etc.) gathered around a stone bench right in front of the A. A. Hotel. This geographic happening just shouts opportunity. I have a bag of breakfast treats and I start handing them out. Lots of smiles. I sit down with an arm around a tranny on either side of me. Trannies are gathered in front of me. Tranny hands are sneaking their way up my shorts.

Then I see them. The boots. They are all wearing boots. Sexy high heeled pointy toed boots. Part of the prostitute sexy lady outfit. But none of these boots, not one pair, has seen a wet sponge or leather treatment product or polish since the day they were purchased. They are all cut and scuffed and ripped and beat up and filthy. They look terrible up close. None of these former farmers' daughters knows anything about presentation or has any fashion instincts. They probably spent more time as girls preening their pet water buffalo then themselves. Time stops for me as I look down and examine all of the boots. Testaments to low standards and low intelligence.

Then I get up and leave.

4. I spot a woman on the boardwalk that I spent time with a year ago. It was ok and I wouldn't mind a repeat experience. She earned the money and her body was breathtaking. I did not mind paying the full going rate and she was happy to take it.

I sit down next to her and make eye contact and say something friendly. She ignores me. I move closer and say something else friendly. She turns to me and in perfect English she says:

"Excuse me, I'm tryin' to work here."

She did not even recognize me. I was less than a zero. I was a zero from her past. She did not even recognize me. And when someone does not recognize you from their own past there is absolutely nothing that you can say or do. Except get up and leave. Lots of men never go to Thailand. Maybe they are the smart ones. Sitting at home in Manchester or Berlin or Sydney or Narita with a magazine or a video no one is going to tell you to be quiet. You are never going to have to get up and leave. You get to keep your dreams and your pride. Adult games in Pattaya can mean adult pain and adult wounds.

5. Oops, there is no number five. Actually I could go on and on because I deal in volume on the boardwalk but four examples should be enough to make my point. There you have it gentlemen from faraway places with stars in your eyes: examples of the other side of the happy and fun coin. By all means come to Pattaya. And when you get to Pattaya, find the boardwalk by the sea. But come prepared. These are adult games.

Oh, and if you see Fa; Stay Away From Fa. And if you see both Fa and myself; stay away from the both of us. And if you see just me; you know the answer. I'm busy. Busy throwing dice and believing in the future.