Duplicity, Subterfuge And Plain Old Lies
There has often been criticism of the "duplicitous" nature of Thai women – but, even if it were true, I question if they have a sole mortgage on that facet of personality disorder. Perhaps it does exist, manifesting as lies and deceit – but, having engaged in that facet of personality disorder myself, I am certain that Farang males are just as "duplicitous" when gauged from a percentage comparison of Thai women to Farang males. If you want to know about "duplicity" – just ask me. I wrote the book.
Why does it happen? For the Thai woman it can be caused by a need to maintain an extra steady stream of income, augmented by additional cash that may be extracted from the Farang (or Farangs) she is seeing at that time – or perhaps sponsors with whom she is corresponding overseas. Of course, this is not always the case where she may be independently wealthy and merely engages in this type of behaviour to keep two or more suitors on the boil, perhaps while a family union through marriage is contemplated with the best prospect winning the "prize". I know of two Thai women in this category but have had no romantic involvement with them in any way – we are merely just good friends from long association.
For the Farang male, it is usually as simple as the "butterfly" effect in action – the need to have more than one female on a string at the same time and the result of an over-inflated opinion of oneself and a mega-ego.
It has been said that "coming clean" is just another state of mind – but I think of it as honest confession (no, I am not a Roman Catholic <smile>). For me, conscience kicks in and gives me a hard time on the occasions when I have engaged in subterfuge – telling myself that it was necessary to maintain some sort of sanity in the face of overwhelming circumstances. Coming clean with yourself is difficult – but, coming clean with the victim is a mega- difficulty. This is especially so when grounded in the reality that, to do so, would put an end to the "paradise" you share with that lovely "Angel".
She (who would become my mia) was Thai and with me in Bangkok on a 10-day stay, not that long after I had broken up with my wife back in Farangland. In the magic of the moment, she probably thought I was the next-best thing to winning The Lottery. The money came out of the ATM whenever it was requested and gold was easily obtainable in my company – but she was unaware that I was engaged in secret calls back to Farangland to talk with my wife. Even at the time, I was extremely uncomfortable doing this – and, when I look back at that period, I feel this deep shame that hangs like a cloud over me. This happened quite some time ago but I do not think that I will ever feel comfortable in having done this.
Before I sent her back to Chiang Mai on Thai Airways after 10 days, I told her I would not be going with her to Chiang Mai but that I would come back to her after I made a quick trip back to Farangland. Of course that news was not what she wanted to hear and she flew into a temper tantrum – throwing the ticket back to me amid lots of crying. The next day I accompanied her to Don Meuang domestic terminal, gave her money to see her through until I returned to her and I flew the next night back to Farangland to see if anything could be salvaged from my marriage – knowing full-well that my wife had already been playing the field while I was in Thailand and, most likely, before then.
She (who would become my mia) kept calling me on cell-phone in Farangland but I did not answer the calls – instead, turning the phone off so that I had time to think without pressure. As it happened I had virtually no time with my wife and kids as she was out of town. Christmas and New year came and went so I obtained a new cell-phone number, called she (who would become my Mia) and told her when I would be arriving in Chiang Mai on a certain date the following week.
Back in Chiang Mai, life settled into a family routine for us with regular visits to take her family to dinner and I began to regard her as my true Mia and we became closer than ever as time passed by. To all intents and purposes, she was my wife and I regarded her as such. For me, it was a very difficult position to be in – anniversaries of birthdays of my wife in Farangland (and the kids) tormented me to feel the need to keep calling – only increasing the pressure on me for more space to think. One becomes desperate but quite resourceful at buying time.
Flights back to Farangland became regular occurrences and any excuse to go would do – a new Visa or consultations with the banks to transfer money – all subterfuge to enable me to go back to see how the land lay. In that period I was racking up so many frequent-flyer points that Thai Airways issued me a Silver Royal Orchid card and frequently upgraded me to Royal Silk Class. Quite often, in Chiang Mai, I would rise in the morning much earlier than she and I would go grab some breakfast then jump a tuktuk to visit the Thai Airways Office to validate the ticket for a certain date – and then I would tell her that something urgent had come up in Farangland that had to be attended to, needing me to leave on a certain date. I was never gone for more than a week or two. But there was added tension also to coincide my departure dates in agreement with auspicious days as set out by the monk in our wat.
While time was passing, in my absence, she was waiting patiently for me to return – calling me regularly and me calling her to say that I loved her and missed her so much. That was very true – in my absences I was missing her terribly and wished to God that I could stop doing this shuttle-flight between Thailand and Farangland.
In Chiang Mai, we were looking at project houses in San Sai and townhouses in gated estates all around the city – a very exciting period but very stressful at the same time, knowing full-well that I was not emotionally or financially in a position to be doing this. She was talking of marriage and, from a standpoint of her family and them wanting to save "face" with marriage, I understood the importance of this. I wanted to be married with her as much as she wanted it (probably for different reasons) – I loved this person so much that I wanted to do anything possible that would make her happy.
She made no secret of the fact she wanted to fall pregnant and have a child together. The thought of that and of having a girl child as beautiful as her, touched my heart and, as we were already not using protection, the frequency of sex was racked up substantially. At least, I was honest with her by telling her that I was not yet divorced so it was impossible for me to marry with her until that happened. The truth was that I would have happily married her in different circumstances. The fact that I was not free to marry made no difference to her as the attempts to fall pregnant became seemingly more important to her – and to me, I guess. Of course, it was totally irresponsible of me to allow the pursuit of falling pregnant to continue, knowing I was incapable of sustaining the status quo – let alone provide support for a family. The mind plays strange tricks in the heat of love and lust – and I now loved her far more deeply than the love that I had for my wife in Farangland. Thank goodness, I suppose, for both of our sakes she did not fall pregnant – but it sure wasn't for want of trying.
So let's look at the comparison of this situation with that of the average "duplicitous" Thai woman. In role situations the average Farang male has very little to lose other than dollars – quite an unimportant commodity, in my book. On the other hand, the average Thai female placed in the situation with which we were dealing, had far, far more to lose. If she had fallen pregnant, where would that have placed her – or me for that matter? She would have lost "face" and been left with a responsibility to care for that child if I had walked away and abandoned support.
I could never have done that to her and, for this reason, I assigned one of my insurance policies to her with my major bank and covered it with a Will naming her as beneficiary. The only honourable thing left for me, in the event of pregnancy, would have been to simply "end things" in a convincing way so that she could receive the payout. In some ways it was fortunate that a child never eventuated, although I often still wish it had happened. I would have been deliriously happy to have made a family with this lady – but it was not meant to be. The amazing thing to me is that she loved and tolerated me for so long, in spite of my inability to give long-term commitment.
Sceptics would likely say that she could have been setting me up for a paternity shakedown in the event she did fall pregnant and had carried through to full term. Perhaps she may have already been married to a Thai man and was planning to scam me in the purchase of a property in which to reside. I do not believe either scenario was on her agenda – my opinion is that she was the unfortunate victim of believing in someone who was not telling the whole truth of their circumstances.
In the final analysis, who is the more duplicitous one – me and my irresponsible actions or the harmless duplicity of the average Thai woman, chasing no more than a dream? I know where I would place my bet and I consider myself neither better nor worse than the average Farang monger.
You try to understand it but you never seem to find any kind of freedom – coming clean is just another state of mind.