Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 367

  • Written by Dana
  • February 16th, 2013
  • 8 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok


Greetings Dana fans and Stickmanbangkok.com fans (Stick makes me type this):

Today a number of important text additions to your lives and we start with what in most cases would be publishing industry specific behind-the-curtain stuff but I am sure you will find it interesting. Normally this type of thing would be in a Dana Note but I felt that it was important enough to have it's own title. Who loves you baby? Dana does. Enjoy.

ABOUT THE TYPEFACE

This submission to Stickmanbangkok.com was set in Mongertype Dana(MD), a typeface designed by Booger Johnston Phlegmlick (1949-2011) of the Kiss Me Kwick Bar on Soi Post Office in Pattaya, Thailand. A lot of people have asked about this. Conceived as a private typeface for monger writings: fiction, nonfiction, faction, lyrics, poetry, one act plays, academia, research monographs, articles, limericks, and all personal communications regarding the Dana Fan Club, Church Of Dana, and the philosophy of Danaism; Mongertype Dana(MD) has now thrown off it's chains of early development and can be seen as a worldwide typeface favored by mongers.

The early history of this typeface: Mongertype Dana(MD) was originally cut only for hand composing by 500 Baht Walt of the Mothership lounge lizards; a subterranean group of Thai monger enthusiasts, historians, publishers, writers, story tellers, and archivists. Though modeled on the CrazyAssWoman Phuket(CP) typeface used by Pattaya Gary for his opus treatise on Oy, titled The Story of Oy: Mongertype Dana(MD) is a thoroughly modern interpretation of that venerable set of letters, numbers, and punctuation marks together with thoughtful spacing issues to make reading and writing more interesting, legible, and fun.

So then how to explain how this essay appears on Stickmanbangkok.com? Well, obviously it does not appear on Stickmangbangkok.com. in Mongertype Dana(MD). Between being set and composed in Mongertype Dana(MD) in Boston and appearing on Stickmanbangkok.com in the Reader's Submissions section of the website, a change has taken place. The web administrator has taken it upon himself to set a different type. If challenged on this Stickman might lay the error on one of his office interns but I think we all know that is bushwa. This brings to mind the Latin saying:

'Assholius webus foolit erratum administratorium stupidass.'

Mark the calendar and pay attention to the day and mark the time when I say that this situation is going to change. Meetings have been held, money has exchanged hands, alliances have been formed, soldiers of fortune have been enlisted, and mongers have been notified. Stay tuned next week to read Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes in it's rightful typeface: Mongertype Dana(MD).

And if you have any ideas for improvements to Mongertype Dana: keep them to yourself. What were you thinking?

MONGER DATA

An Austrian daredevil (aka idiot), Felix Baumgartner, plans to jump from a 55 story tall helium-filled balloon at a height of 120,000 feet. Outside temperature will be 100 degrees below zero and he will fall at 690 miles per hour, breaking the sound barrier. I hope they have allowed for his spacesuit heating up as he re-enters thicker air.

Anyway, some speculate that this jump is not necessary to reach reasonable conclusions about what will be encountered and what will happen but Richard McCall, a physics professor; says:

" the experiment still needs to be done, the data collected and analyzed, and the results studied. That's one of the reasons why we often try such things–not just to be the first or the highest or the fastest, but to see what can be learned and to hopefully have some fun doing it."

So, what does this have to do with my twice daily boardwalk ambulations in Pattaya? Well, just everything. Just like death-defying human free-fall experiment Felix Idiot Baumgartner; I am gathering data and studying results on cruisers, whore, skanks, and prostitutes so you do not have to. Am I having fun doing so? Well sometimes yes and sometimes no. That is the beauty part for you. I am doing the miles and taking the hits. Personally, I am always looking for a Thai angel I can fall in love with. A bliss experience of commitment and loyalty and love even if we are only together for forty minutes. But I have found, to my surprise, that some men are looking for different experiences. Research by myself in Cuba and Recife and Rio and Saigon and Kuala Lumpur and Cambodia and Angeles City and Thailand shows that every category of woman has male enthusiasts.

If bleeding eyebrow pluckers are your thing, I have a list. Been there, done that; and wrote everything down. Mumblers and spastic head twitchers? Again, I have a list. You don't have to run the table. I have already done it for you. Random yellers and thieves? I have the phone numbers or I can take you to the boardwalk and point them out. There is a slight fee for this. Sure it is all about international monger love but I have expenses. Crazy loony spooky girls? Not as many as you might think but again, I've done the hotel athletics and I have the data; including the delightful nutter in the Mothership car park known as Boom Boom (ask her what her name is). God what a great girl. I miss you Boom Boom.

How about the No girls? In the hotel room they say No to everything. EVERYTHING. Some guys like being treated this way. Go figure. Anyway, I've got a list of these nutballs. Tens? I don't personally traffic in tens. Waste of time. But I have a contact named Pattaya Gary who has a list. I can make that happen. Stay away from his Oy though. She is a man killer. Just sayin'. How about trannies? Sure, trannies for tranny love. But wait a minute. How about a list of tranny criminals to avoid complete with pictures? Once again, I've got the information. I've done the free-fall from 120,000 monger feet over the boardwalk and I have the data.

The data has been gathered and analyzed and the results are known. Physics professor Richard McCall would be proud. It's all about the love guys. My life is now dedicated to mongers worldwide. And how do you get this information? Well, members of the Dana Fan Club receive this information automatically and at a discount Everyone else? Come to the office of Dana Enterprises on South Pattaya Road and make your needs known to Pussy, Bussy or Mussy. They'll contact me and we will negotiate. Good luck and remember, not all bleeding eyebrow pluckers are the same. You need the data.

DANA NOTE:

Today with this submission 367 I can hear the retirement train coming. Sweet sufferin' Jesus on a cracker it will soon be over. This will not doubt make millions happy. Stick is now working on a retirement party and awards dinner for me to be held at his country house in Sanglaburi overlooking the reservoir. The main meal will be cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes, appetizers will be little cheeseburgers and little chocolate shakes, and dessert will be fancy cheeseburgers and fancy chocolate shakes. Everyone is invited but there are probably some stupid rules about reservations so just get in touch with Fong or Long or Gong or Dong at his office and find out how to get your name on the guest list. Of course members of the Dana Fan Club are automatics but you probably still have to go through some kind of procedure. Just do it. If you have to wash and wax Stick's Benz, just do it.

Entertainment will be a costume show where everyone dresses like me, local girls will read us essays about their hopes and their dreams, elephants will be available for photo opportunities, rowboats for rowing, bamboo rafting, and local chefs will do fruit carving demonstrations. If you bring a picture of your favorite Thai girlfriend they will carve her face into a piece of big fruit. For those of you who forget cameras, we will have photos of me suitable for framing for free.

I will of course take questions and do readings. Many famous people are expected to attend and there will be a special tent set up for published authors to gather in since they are too good to talk to the rest of us. There will of course be no French (FTF), Chinese, South Koreans, Russians, Indians, Nigerians, 444's (Japanese), Pakis, or Bangladeshis invited. Same same white women or backpackers with guide books. Caveman? Yes, he will be there; and he will be giving a workshop on how to take a picture of a road.

And Fa? Will she be there? Yes she will be at my retirement party and awards dinner being held at Stick's country house on the shore of Sanglaburi reservoir in Sanglaburi. You will recognize her because unlike the local girls she will not have that stupid disfiguring white paste on her face. Of course you will not be allowed to speak to her. You knew that. There will be many local girls in attendance. These will be local high school girls who will be sweeping walks and serving drinks and helping with rowboat rides, etc. They will all be shy and you will fall in love. Its going to be a lot of fun. So put your ear on the rail. What do you hear? You hear the retirement train coming. See you at the party.