Stickman Readers' Submissions February 21st, 2013

Reply to Thai Girlfriend Advice

You should stop seeing this girl and at the very least you should stop supporting her financially (completely). There are a few reasons for this. The main reason is that you’re plainly getting a bad deal – by far a worse deal than most guys sponsoring hardcore hookers, which most of us agree is a stupid thing to do. The second reason is that one part of the story doesn’t add up and is actually downright ridiculous. The third reason is that your time is limited and you can definitely find a better girl. I will go into each point one at a time. After that I will get into some ideas for how to avoid this type of situation in the future.

Many guys try to buy their Thai girl a better life by sponsoring them. This is most often the case when the guy hopes to get a girl to quit bar work. It is generally agreed upon on here that this is foolish for a few reasons. Mainly, this is because the girl likely won’t even quit the bar – it is actually her profession to run these scams and that a successful future with one of these girls has very little value to begin with. Guys also often choose to help out “normal” girls. This receives a lot less flak from people, probably because the negatives associated with helping a bar girl in particular are a lot less strong. What you are doing in the long run could potentially have some pay off compared to the bar girl situation. That isn’t enough reason to do it, though. Why?

The main thing is that you should at the very least be getting treated *very* well when you came to see this girl. You can be sure that while overall the bar girls are being duplicitous, they at least make sure the guy has a damn good time when he comes out to visit. They will anticipate when he wants to have sex and make him feel like a porn star. She will pick out places that she thinks he will want to eat and take him to activities that she thinks he will enjoy. Is this girl doing that for you? It sure doesn’t sound like it. Your money made you “stressed out and confused” for 4 months. To me that comparison says *a lot*.

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Now you might say, “Yes. but you are only looking at the short run. I am hoping to build a real future with this girl and *blah blah blah*.” I will get into why this doesn’t matter with the third reason.

The fact that her father has a mia noi is completely insulting to you. You say that their daughter doesn’t earn enough money and needs additional support to live a decent life. So you should ask why her family can’t fulfill that role. Is it because they are hard up for money? No… a mia noi is no cheap proposition. That means her father would rather buy some young girl and give her stuff like a nice place to live and a new Iphone than he would for his own daughter. Investigate that if you don’t believe that that is going on. Meanwhile you are paying a girl while *not* getting laid. Then in turn she funnels her resources (money basically) to her family. Effectively your money is being used to pay for her father’s mia noi! Then on top of that they don’t care about your feelings, not even as an afterthought. It is all about them. You are being foolish and her family is blatantly using you. That doesn’t sound like some good traditional family that I would be making sacrifices to become part of.

There are girls in Thailand from humble families that won’t ask for or accept your money. Alternatively, if you want to play the white knight role, there are families out there that genuinely need the money (unlike your current girl’s) and will actually treat you well for helping them out. You can pick either one pretty easily, especially the second one – there are loads of families in Thailand that fit the bill. By comparison the second situation is *way* better than what you have now. These girls can have all of the same good qualities that yours does like good looks, decent job, real education. But she doesn’t have to have the bad ones like an overly controlling family, doesn’t care about your feelings, is a sexual prude and has a crappy family. I mean do you think this family’s mistreatment of you will ever stop – how is marriage really going to change anything? It won’t, it is just a dumb ceremony / legal agreement. To me this is the kind of girl a Thai guy won’t voluntarily touch with a ten foot pole and so she went to the farang options where there are so many chumps.

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So how do you find a better girl? First off I like Stick’s advice of avoiding the internet when trying to find a serious relationship. I do think there are good girls on internet dating but it is definitely a mine field…a densely packed one. For every safe step there are probably 9 with a mine. You met your current girl from the internet, for example, and that immediately told me that things were not going to be in your favor (from the very start of your post I thought that). I would also avoid any clubs where western guys hang out a lot. Finally, the bar is obviously a terrible option. These are the very obvious and easy choices when finding a girl and most people fall into the trap of taking the easy route. It is not advisable to do that when it will have such a big impact on your life.

A good comparison is in poker. The guys that make the most money aren’t necessarily (or almost ever, in fact) the best players. The guys that make the most money are the ones that set things up in their favor from the outset. The biggest thing they do is find bad opponents and focus on that more than simply playing a lot in general or studying to improve their hard skills. Coming up with some creative solutions for dating can be done in the same way.

So what are some specific ideas? Many have been posted in submissions over the years on Stick’s site so I won’t even give any of my own. One idea is to find an employee of some store that you think is cute and try to figure out if she fits your criteria casually. Another is to talk to people at your school or job and say you’re looking for a girlfriend and you want to know if someone has a friend that is interested. Another idea is to go to Thai clubs where white guys don’t hang out and see if there is any interest (this one could be pretty tough if you are older).

A big part of this is figuring out what you want and then coming up with an idea that has synergy with finding that type of girl. For example, if you just want a humble, normal girl than the shopkeeper idea is a great one. If you want a more sophisticated girl then maybe you want to go to meet ups for business people or some academic field (I am sure they have these in Thailand although I’ve never looked). If you want a girl that speaks English well (as many higher class Thais do) then try to find out where they might hang out (I can’t come up with an idea for this right now but I am sure there is a good one). Some of these ideas are going to be tough to pull off due to the language barrier also, so if what you’re looking for requires that you learn Thai then you should start hitting the books now! Also remember that the more creative the idea is the better off you will be. It will mean that fewer white guys will have been there before and you’ll be in low supply, which is a good thing.

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Stickman's thoughts:

Lots of good points, especially about the point about the old man keeping a mia noi.

One point I do strongly disagree with though is saying that a Thai guy wouldn't touch a girl like this. Actually, the complete opposite is true and this is exactly the sort of girl a Thai guy would go for. If he was a real horn dog, he might be getting a bit on the side, but plenty of guys WOULD be patient and wait.

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