Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 359

  • Written by Dana
  • December 22nd, 2012
  • 6 min read




Greetings Stickmanbangkok fans, Dana fans, and Caveman fans:

Here at Dana Enterprises we are getting a lot of requests for Caveman material. What he is doing, what he is thinking, his hopes and dreams, etc. People find everything about him fascinating. I would like to pledge that this is my last Caveman piece but for that to happen his lawyer will have to get in touch with my lawyer and so far…nothing. Word is that he has gone to ground in a leafy wigwam in Chiang Mai and that he spends most of his days packing and unpacking his motorcycle sidecar, and talking to his sniper rifle. Not judging, just sayin'.

Anyway, below is a 100% true account of a part of my life that sort of includes Caveman. Don't envy me. You have to earn a lot of life's pleasures and so far Mr. Caveman and I are not exactly butt brothers if you get my meaning. Honestly, sometimes I do not know what to do next. I give and I give and I give and so far all I've got is tears nearly bursting from my eyes. Maybe these expat ex-military guys are all carapace and no soft center. Anyway, the following is a look into my life and some Caveman details that may someday be part of the history of Thailand. Enjoy.

FREE VODKA TO STREET GIRLS

What should it say on my tombstone? I vote for THE GREAT COMPROMISER. Yup, that's me (or I). Anyway, why fight; that's my motto. Some people like a vegan diet, some people like meat. I like compromise. Why not combine them. Let's all be friends. So…

So that's why every Tuesday night half-way down Walking Street near the big tree on the right (prime tranny territory) you can find my restaurant set-up. Three office girls (Mooie, Shooie, and Looie), plywood tables and sawhorses, two outboard motors and outboard motor oil, chainsaw and chainsaw oil, whole water buffalo carcass suspended by block and tackle from an A-frame, large stainless steel cooking knives, stainless steel cooking spoons with razor sharp edges, greased brown wrapping paper, two 55 gallon drums, water, cooking oil, packing crate full of various sizes and kinds of melons, bags of wood and charcoal, rubber aprons and gloves and boots and gauntlets, two 3' x 6' open top stainless steel boxes with fine mesh grill tops, menu and price sign, rolls of paper towels, napkins (with instruction sheet for Thais), and various food miscellanea to be mentioned later.

Chainsaw pieces of meat off of the buffalo carcass and drop them in the 55 gallon drums. Add water, cooking oil, tins of red pepper powder, 100 eggs, 5 bottles of whiskey, and 2 quarts of melted butter per drum. In the meantime the girls have started the fires in the tabletop steel boxes and are now decapitating melons and hollowing them out with the razor sharp scooping spoons. There is also a lot of girl talk but you can just ignore that.

Slip the outboard motor mounting brackets over the edge of the drums full of meat and pull the starter cords. You do not clamp them because you are going to have to lift them up and down for mixing. Just let them hang over the edge of he steel drums. Obvious but I just thought I would mention it. The props chop the meat while the mesh steel grills are starting to glow red. The outboard motors are noisy. There is a lot of yelling. I love that part. Walking Street, unbearable heat, yelling, and commerce. No wonder God only worked six days and then went to Thailand. Paradise. Anyway, after a suitable amount of time (trade secret); scoop out the meat chunks and slurry and throw it on the grills. Honk if you have done this at home. Once all of the meat looks like burnt bacon, chop fine with the big stainless steel knives, and stuff in the hollowed out melons. Melons plus meat. Vegan plus non-vegan. Compromise.

Good eating. Bargirl requests for meat plus fried cockroaches, fried grasshoppers, baked chopped snake, boiled chopped birds, fried chopped granary rats (phone ahead), and a shot of whiskey in the melons are honored. This kind of mixed stuffing is a high skill job and Mooie does most of it with the larger melons and sometimes pumpkins (party size). Most of our customers just like to carry away a meat stuffed melon wrapped in greased brown wrapping paper. We used to wrap the melons in old Pattaya Mail newspapers but there was a lawsuit that I would prefer not to go into.

Melons plus meat. Vegans plus real men. Compromise and happiness. And how do we end our long hard hot busy nights on Walking Street? Free Russian vodka to street girls and then we take pictures of them licking the outboard motor props. Sweet Jesus on a cracker: is this a great country or what?

I thought in a spirit of collaboration (white people talkin') and friendliness that it would be fun to call this the Dana-Caveman Diet but when I emailed the recipe-name idea to Mr. Caveman he threw a fit, purchased a cheeseburger, and then beat it to death with one of his motorcycle wrench tool things. You never hear about violent nutter vegans but they are out there.

Sometimes new ideas and challenging relationships require conciliation (white people talkin' again), compromise, and follow-through; so the girls Mooie, Shooie, and Looie sent him a fresh melon filled with chopped seared water buffalo meat, chopped up tiny birds, and the outboard motor oil taste that everyone has grown to love. What is more hopeful and more civilized than gift giving? Opening yourself up and yearning for love. I sometimes think about that when I am chainsawing cuts of meat off the water buffalo carcass.

Result? He sent us a video of himself dressed in Chiang Mai camo and blowing the gift melon to pieces with a sawed-off pump action blunderbuss full of bits of gravel and glass he found on a dirt road. One of his fat Thai road photography assistants is also seen in the video and she is crying. We do not know why. She probably released some Good Luck birds just prior to the video and he reflexively shot them out of the air. Manly men: there's no telling what they'll do. It's a turn on, but still; there is no telling what they will do with their wrenches and guns and things. Question: if I had camo sheets and he was wearing camo, would I be able to find him in the bed? The mind wanders.

Anyway, he is not on board for the Dana-Caveman Diet idea so we need a name for the chopped meat/hollowed out melon taste treats that we make every Tuesday night down by the big tree on Walking Street. Send your ideas to:

Chopped Meat and Melon Name Dept.
c/o Dana Enterprises
South Pattaya Road
Pattaya, Thailand
Attn: Mooie, Shooie, or Looie

P. S. We also need a new outboard motor. Office girl Looie put cooking oil in one of the outboard motors instead of putting outboard motor oil in the outboard motor and the results were predictable. Killer body, but a moron. She thinks a paradox is two piers in a harbor. The replacement outboard motor should have a shaft extension to get to the bottom of the 55 gallon drums and a stainless steel prop we can edge grind 'till it cuts paper on contact. Get in touch with 500 Baht Walt at the Mothership in Bangkok or Pattaya Gary at the Superbabies Bar in Pattaya for shipping assistance. Thanks for all of your help and check us out next Tuesday. We have a shipment of dead soi dogs the Karen people brought in from Burma and we may add them to the mix.