Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 326

  • Written by Dana
  • May 5th, 2012
  • 6 min read



Greetings Dana fans and ceiling fans (currently drinking with an Aussie at the Lick Me Kwik bar on Soi 6):

Have you ever calculated how much money you have lost picking up the wrong girls on the boardwalk in Pattaya and then just giving them 100 baht to get the hell out of your hotel room and your life? On the boardwalk you thought she was the future Mrs. Foreigner, then later in the hotel room you changed your mind. I have probably lost enough money making bad decisions to finance a Phantom motorcycle with a rainbow colored paint job and every conceivable accessory. Bye-the-way, sniffing the pillion seats of motorcycles is not on. Don't get caught. Just sayin' But I almost digress.

Anyway, I once picked up a nice lady (I thought) on the boardwalk and IMMEDIATELY upon entering my hotel room she started actively and transparently; as if I was not even in the room with her, looking for something to steal. It was bizarre. I just stood by and watched. It was amazing. A first. So I gave her 100 baht to just get out. At least I was alert to this crazy woman's behavior so I did not lose anything right? Wrong. She managed to get a silver watch of mine.

The next morning I was standing on the curb getting ready to cross Beach Road and she came over to me and starting acting nice. She had my silver watch on her wrist. I did not respond in any way. This made her angry. She threw a little hissy fit and made a bad face. In her razor sharp steel trap Thai mind she probably thought:

"Hey, what's the matter with these farangs? You steal from them and then they do not want to have anything to do with you. Who can understand these stupid foreigners?"

But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today is?

SURE I AM

"On reading through the first part of this record I am shocked by the account of taking human life and the constant slaughter of big game. I do not pretend to excuse it, but perhaps I may explain it. I have no belief in the sanctity of human life or in the dignity of the human race. Human life has never been sacred; nor has man except in a few exceptional cases been dignified."

from Kenya Diary: 1902-1906 by Colonel R. Meinertzhagen C.B.E., D.S.O.

'Shocked by the account of taking human life and the constant slaughter of big game.' Etc. Imagine what the Colonel thought of the taking of small game? Answer? He never thought of it.

Here on the slopes of Beacon Hill in Boston liberal knee-jerk responses to this quote and this man are predictable. At cocktail parties where even the Labrador retriever dogs have master's degrees, he is a bad man with bad thoughts and a bad life. Nothing satisfies like certainty expressed and a martini.

Still . . . I wonder if in the lonely personal hours of the night some men do not envy the Colonel and his youth of senseless ego and senseless impulse. Many men envy the rapist, but only a fool would say so. I sometimes receive emails from gentlemen notifying me that engaging women on any level in Thailand without marrying them and/or giving them all of my money is morally wrong. I am an unreflective monster and the only contribution I can make to society is to not breed. One gentleman in particular has been dogging me for seven years. Points to him for a consistant world view.

Still . . . as I troll the boardwalk and Walking Street and South St. and Second St. looking for the future Mrs. Dana I sometimes imagine that if I were to suddenly wheel about and focus, I would see my critics behind me: like the turbulent but constant wake behind a ship ever ready to pick up something that falls overboard. In the lonely dark hours of their personal nights they have achieved illumination. Not Nirvana, but at least personal illumination; they want to meet a Thai lady of the fun kind also. Of course they will treat her completely differently than I would treat her because they are so much different and so much better than I am in every way. But the major idea streaking through the sky of their hearts and minds is that they want to meet a nice Thai lady also.

I once picked up an Essan stunner named Lon in full view of a foreigner married couple. Their facial expressions were transparent, judgmental, and broadcasting. Of course it never occured to either one of these moral brainiacs that out of all the world's wonderful possibilities we were both in exactly the same place. Anyway, didn't even slow me down. Hand in hand myself and my smiling Essan stunner crossed Beach Road to the A.A.Hotel. I had the pure joy of unreflective pleasure that Colonel Meinartzhagen must have had in Africa. Nobody was going to get killed but nobody was going to be asking permission to be happy either. As we reached the top step and I held the heavy glass door open for Lon, I had the momentary impulse to quickly snap my head around and catch the married husband starring at me with envy.

But I didn't do it. You don't have to shoot, kill, wound, trap, embarrass, or humiliate every little jackass you come across. Be fun though, wouldn't it? We could call it the Colonel Meinertzhagen program. I have a Pattaya friend named Pattaya Gary who has an ex-girlfriend named Oy who could take this married man and show him such a good time that his private parts would have to be held together with duct tape on the way home. He'd have to go to the Bumrungrad Hospital to have facial nerves cut to stop his smiling. God bless the Colonel and his disgusting life of testosterone, social power, impulse, and violence. Not everyone of our emotional touchstones are suitable for public display, but they all count.

Additionally . . . oh God, there she is. Holding up a palm tree. I saw her last night but before I could get across the road a horrible looking fat man got to her. Sweet Jesus on a cracker what an angel. I don't believe she is even human. No woman could be this perfect and be human. I'm talking science here. Anyway: gotta go. And this Thai lady? This Thai lady I am going to marry and give all of my money to. Sure I am.


Stickman's thoughts:

All the stories I hear these days of guys trying to get rid of the girl they soon realise is not to be the next Mrs. Dana, or Mrs. Caveman or Mrs. Korski or Mrs. Phet suggest that the girl expects to be paid, whether she did the deed or not. And some of these girls will cause more damage than a plate of som tam with 100 chilies if they don't get their way. Not an easy situation to deal with…