Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 324

  • Written by Dana
  • April 21st, 2012
  • 6 min read


Las Vegas

FASHION CHOICES ARE LIFE CHOICES

Opinions on fashion spout like great whales but science can not be denied: global warning, increasing ozone in the atmosphere, mysterious deaths of frogs, some forms of cancer, heavy metal music, youth attracted to Goth and vampire crap . . . that's right, all caused by poor fashion choices. Beezlebub infects among us with the intention of eliminating all that is Godly and right and color coordinated. His infections can be spotted by brown shoes with blue suits, pocket handkerchiefs that do not match ties, tie clasps instead of tie pins, and women's' shoes and purses that do not match skirts or pants or dresses. A woman standing next to you on the Skytrain wearing a blue pantsuit and carrying a white purse? Beware, you are standing next to one who marches with the devil. Her fashion pollution is a sign of her complete takeover. Do what I do. Get off at the next station and get on another train. You can't be too careful.

To repeat: Beezlebub spreads his pestilence through fashion infection. You can spot his work everywhere. A man in your international Thai based company south of Tha Mai wears yellow shirts and blue ties? You know what to do. Run, run like the wind. Calling me a fashion snob is to completely miss the point. I am the canary in the mine. I am trying to save all of mankind.

And how do hi-so trannies fit into this? Have you ever seen how perfectly they dress? They come from the same rural armpit villages as all of the other girls but they have made life choices. They know how to dress, and they know how to do makeup, and they know how to do hair. They are the harbingers of the future and the devil's most feared nemeses in Thailand. They are the future: a fashion future of culture and class and style and ego and intelligence. Learn to march with ladyboys. They are in the fashion front lines going over-the-top and engaging the Devil in no-man's-land. They are the visionaries and the leaders of tomorrow. They know that you do not wear green flip-flops to the office with a pin striped blue banker's suit made in Singapore. Learn to match their stride and wit and focus: and for God's sake stop wearing singlets, shorts, sandals, and white socks. You just mark yourself for death when the tranny fashion police start making choices and I do not think any of us want to see that much blood in the streets.

Fashion choices are life choices. What does that mean? That means that if you choose life you must find a Hi-So tranny to become your special friend. The future of the Kingdom bodes well for those that invest in chaos and anarchy and violence. After the wars over water and food and land and discounted flip-flops have been fought; the final social conflagration will be fought between good and evil. And if you lose that war you only lose once. Thailand will have permanently gone over to the Dark Side and the local papers will be doing features on the Devil. Not if, but when this final battle takes place; that is when you will value a Hi-So ladyboy fashionista by your side. She'll know what to do and when to do it in the final battles. Follow her lead if you want to live. The Devil has many disciples in Thailand: men who wear stripes and plaids, Speedo bathing suits hidden under obese stomachs, men who wear silver jewelry when they should be wearing gold jewelry, black glasses frames with brown suits, and the idiots who think shirts that are not tucked in make them look youthful: all members of the Devil's future awaiting orders for the final episode of the final apocalypse in Thailand. The Devil is clever. He hides his army amongst jackasses and fools that do not know how to dress. But he does not fool me. I recognize every one.

But there is good news. The Devil and his army of fashion fools can be fought and defeated when the time comes by tranny armies and their farang allies. Your job? Find a tranny and make her your friend. Know that you will be Robin to her Batman and be proud to take orders from her. If she says wingtip shoes and silk socks that is what you are wearing. Your ego is not involved. This is war. And lastly: have FASHION RULES tattooed on your body somewhere. Good luck.

Sincerely yours,
Dana

P.S. Well, does it all seem too easy, too transparent, too elementary? The Devil is forming an army for the final apocalyptic battle and he is recruiting the low fashion I.Q. challenged for his minions. You aren't worried? You can spot the enemy easily. Really? Let's test that with an example and see how you do.

Example: you have decided to spend three days camping on the far side of the island of Krabi and with your reservation you request a guide. As soon as the ferry bumps ashore your guide steps forward and says:

"My name is Pussygalore Onthetop Poontangmaak but you can call me POP. I will be your guide. You can accept me and trust me as you would your mother."

She is wearing a black linen Armani suit, purple silk shirt, black armadillo skin tie, black python belt, black crocodile shoes, gold tie pin, purple jacket pocket handkerchief, and purple silk socks. She is carrying a black briefcase that holds a tent for two, five snakebite kits. and a bottle of Johnny Walker with two crystal glasses. Well, is she one of the Devil's followers recruited from the Kingdom's fashion challenged just waiting for the sign to go to war; or is she just a regular wonderful Thai lady that you can trust?

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: Easy Question. This Thai lady guide is obviously a rockin' fashion animal. a fashion maven, a fashionista who obviously has her fashion life together with high fashion I.Q. The Devil would not even waste his time going near her and trying to recruit her for his army. Oh contraire my little French pastry: this is one of the Devil's disciples, and when I explain it to you it will be as plain as day. To wit: She is a marcher in the Devil's army. Recruited because she is fashion ignorant and assumed to be of low I.Q. The perfect candidate for the Devil's army.

So, what is it about her that screams fashion challenged and gives her away? Simple: the armadillo skin tie, crocodile shoes, and the python belt. You never mix hides or skins. Either all armadillo, all crocodile, or all python. Simple. But deadly if you guessed incorrectly. Remember, you were going to spend three days in a tent with her. What if you had been in the tent with her when the Devil sent out his signal to all of his followers to rise up and take over the Kingdom? How long would you have lasted with Miss Pussygalore Onthetop Poontangmaak stabbing you with one of her high heeled shoes? You've got five snake bite kits on this little Krabi camping trip but do you have an anti-high heeled crocodile shoe attack kit? Be careful. Dana loves you and he wants you to survive.


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