Stickman Readers' Submissions June 30th, 2011

Latino Asking For Advice

I hesitated a lot whether I should send this in or not. At the end, I still don’t understand why am I writing it, and maybe you don’t want to publish it on your excellent website, but now I feel this is the right thing to do.

It’s strange to write this since I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN THAILAND. Anyway, I feel l know the country through you and this other person I want to talk about.

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I’m a Latin woman. This could be considered a handicap in other countries, but I feel great in my skin. I’m a well-educated woman (recently finished a master’s degree), my best friend thinks I’m attractive (God bless the good girl!) and I have a nice job, a nice house and a nice lifestyle. So again, I feel really comfortable with my situation.

It happens that by hazard I met a guy online. I didn’t plan it, it wasn’t in a chat room or date-online service. It was very casual and I don’t know how this became bigger and bigger. I have chatted with this British man for 6 years.

When I met this guy (let’s call him ‘Hugh’) he had just came back from Thailand. He has been living there for a year, and he declared himself in love with the country. I had nothing to say. I have been living in different countries myself and I have my favorites as well, so I thought it was ok.

But as I said before, things between ‘Hugh’ and me started to evolve to this almost-relationship online. We chatted every single day. We texted each other (yes, I could sound like a Thai bargirl, with the exception I have never written ‘I love you’ or stuff like that). We shared our lives online and it was nice to have someone to talk to at the end of the day.

This situation also started to anguish me. I don’t see me as a crazy woman, but the way things were going made me doubt myself. Am I crazy? I don’t know this person. Why the heck I had given him my personal data? Why am I telling him everything about me? Am I losing my mind? I Nevertheless, he was always nice to me and I started to have feelings for him, which anguished me even more. (How can this be happening to me???? I have never seen the guy! Just in a video-chat session!)

So I started to think of meeting him in order to see what was going on. But he always kept me on pause, and he continued going to Thailand, even though he had told me how happy and well he felt with me. He told me stuff like I was perfect for him (Yes, I know, I’m a woman in my mid-thirties and I still don’t know how I believed that). Innocently, I didn’t know why he kept going to Thailand and not coming to see me if he was so interested, but it was until 2 years before that I started to have serious doubts about these visits.

Some friends came to my country and visited me. These friends love to travel, and they were just coming back from Thailand. So I told them about my experience with ‘Hugh’ and all his trips to Thailand, and they started to be very nervous and say “We think he has a girlfriend over there”. I was astonished and so, and when he came back one more time I asked him, and he accepted the fact he had someone there. He even sent me pics of the girl which definitely broke my heart.

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So I blocked him but he kept sending me texts and stuff, telling me he had broken up with this girlfriend and now she had got herself a new rich boyfriend (‘the only thing she wants is money’ he said), so I accepted him one more time (I know, how stupid is that?) and once again he started to talk sweet to me, and as a teenager I believed everything. I wanted to believe, I’m not blaming him for my stupidity, but Mr. Stickman, you have to recognize he was an excellent actor…

When somebody tells you: I know you’re perfect for me / I know with you I can make an amazing life / You know me better than someone else, how are you not going to believe it? I can’t, maybe it’s my romantic nature or maybe I’m just a fool. Who knows? Then again, he went away again and when he came back from Thailand and I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said he had met a new one.

He says: I don’t know what’s going to happen with her. She’s finishing her degree (He likes educated women, being himself just an employee in UK) and she wants to come to England. But for some reason, I feel more comfortable with you, you seem to know me better! (?????) Of course I was angry, annoyed and I blocked him again.

But this man is so convincing, so he convinced me again (I knoooooooooooooow) and we even talked about meeting him in UK so I even asked permission at work to take a 3-week holiday, which I was allowed. And then, when I was about to buy my ticket, he told me he was going (guess where?) to Thailand again!

I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said no, that he just loves Thailand and I can’t understand that he works hard the whole year and he needs holidays. He also said this would be the last time going there since he was bored of going (????). Then I asked him why we can’t meet me instead of going there again. He says that he has a lot of friends there (and by Stickman’s website I know what kind of friends you can find in Soi Cowboy and stuff) and he is even surprised I know this much about Thailand. I must confess I’m a faithful reader of your website, and also my friends were a good guidance, so I almost feel I’ve been there, too bad I’m a female and it seems there are no many places for a single girl to have fun there 😀

He says he doesn’t like prostitutes. He keeps saying this pile of lies. The reason I’m writing you this is to know exactly why is he going back to Thailand. For me it is clear: he has someone there. Right now that I’m writing to you he’s flying there. He’ll be back by the end of July, and I would like a good piece of advice from you, Mr. Stickman, because I think you’re in situ and if there’s someone who knows exactly what’s going on between the so-called farangs (in my language, extranjeros) and Thai women it’s you. You’re the authority here, so I would like to know what should I do with ‘Hugh’. Or if the readers would give me a piece of advice, that would be amazing.

Stickman's thoughts:

I think this situation is more about the nature of online relationships than anything, with a Thailand connection.

Online "relationships" are becoming increasingly common but when the two people involved have yet to meet each other, notwithstanding that the "relationship" has been going for some time, one wonders what sort of "relationship" it really is!

It's easy for those involved in an online relationship to make themselves out to be someone they are not. That's not entirely the case here, but it seems that Hugh enjoys chatting with you and probably would like to meet you for real too, but he obviously also enjoys his trips to Thailand!

I can only speculate about what Hugh might be up to in Thailand. He might have a regular girlfriend here or he might be enjoying all that Thailand has to offer. It's impossible to say.

My advice to you is to simply move on with your life. It sounds like you're a bright lady with a lot going for you. I am sure you can meet a nice man closer to home. If you do pursue someone online, or someone pursues you, I really think you need to meet them reasonably early on to find out more about the real them. Waiting a long time is hardly ideal and when attractive / desirable people are involved, there will always be other options.

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