Why Do Men Marry?
I read the article by Silome, , and although some of his points make sense, I believe his argument is fundamentally flawed. Emotions alone are not a reason to marry, maybe just a long term commitment.
Let me first premise that I too have been married once, in the US. I’m 40 years old and divorced a little over three years ago. I have been to both Thailand and the Philippines and have read at least a few hundred articles on this site. I am no expert in Thailand marriages but would like to spur an argument as to issues I’m concerned about when it comes to why men marry.
A little about me…as with so many young men, I was naïve as well and no-one clued me into the implied government contract you signed called a marriage license. (Why exactly is there not a ‘real’ contract instead of a marriage license? More on this later.) I married because I too made bad assumptions as to how my partner would behave after marriage. Before I married, my wife used to be fun, sexy, and adventurous both in and out of the bedroom. I had thought that my marriage would ensure a nice sex life, an outgoing social life, along with the possibility of children. At the age of 25 when I married I thought I was old enough and mature enough to make a responsible decision. I never heard nor realized that by the age of 30 years old I finished my final phase of maturity and only then I would say I was competent to make a decision if I had all the facts.
Not too long into our marriage, she already decided sex was not for her and her excuse was IBS (Irritable Bowl Syndrome). Yes I can confidently say excuse and that her symptoms and complaints were all a way of reflecting my unwanted physical advances. Sex went from three times a week before marriage, to one time a month IMMEDIATELY after marriage. By the third year, sex was once every four months and I was frustrated and approached her about this problem. Being a good husband I tried to work out the problem with her until year five. By this time my patience was wearing thin and basically gave her the option of divorce or an open marriage (stupid idea I know, thought this was a great idea at the time). She opted for the open marriage after six months and only after I forced the issue. (A little view into how women work. IF there is a big issue, women will often not say anything, like a mouse they hope the cat won’t see them if they don’t move. Ironic, I believe I’ve read the same behavior is observed in Thai women…they play dumb.)
Boy, was I dumb. I had not thought entirely through the problem. Nor did I have any friends or resources to ask what I should do (or so I thought). The real choice should have been to divorce and get out while I was in the prime of my career. Instead I choose to drag it out for another seven years.
Ultimately she had already decided before marriage that she was marrying for security (aka money). I was too naïve to notice the signs and should have annulled the marriage within the first six months. My dumb mistake (of trying to make the marriage work) cost me a lot of money, time, and a better life. Thankfully I didn’t let her ‘trick’ me into having children. Yes I said trick because I caught her not using birth control and only after confronting her did she confide the truth to me. (Another tip: If you’re relationship isn’t going well, protect yourself from an accidental child. In recent years the courts are upholding child support requirements until children have finished college, yep that’s 18-24 years of your life!) It’s not that children are bad, but a woman that feels cheated (that she didn’t get more or all of your money) will be your enemy for life (or at least until the next sucker replaces you). Not to mention the possible court room battles for the next 18 years. Do you really want that headache?
Skipping ahead, not long after my divorce, I asked a similar question on a Craigslist discussion room… “What advantage is there for a man to marry?” Of course the women on this discussion forum were absolutely agitated at my question and only heckled me as a loner, women hater, or other adjectives that you can imagine. There was however one man who was an attorney, and we had a conversation back and forth that discussed the finer points of U.S. law.
Silome suggested the reason for marriage was either based on emotional or social pressures. Technically, if you’re mature enough (say 30 or older?), your emotions and those social pressures should not play a part in both a potentially expensive and mentally draining endeavor. You have to find a balance between your two heads dueling out for supremacy. Real men (here comes the emails…) do not let their emotions (little head) overwhelm reason (your bigger head). The ONLY factor you really should be concerned about is the ‘law’, which FORCES decisions on you.
You do not need to be married to have sex, children, or cohabitate. You don’t even have to marry to lose half of your wealth if you cohabitate for more than ten years in the U.S. Marriage ONLY provides one benefit in the US (I assume this is the same for England and Australia)… “Survivor rights of ownership of assets and children upon death of a spouse.” Even this one point can be resolved by having an attorney write up a Will or Trust.
Technically there is no reason for a ‘rational’ man’s point of view to marry. All other factors (specifically emotions) are a state of mind and do not require the State or Church to sanctify your love and devotion. This however excluded one HUGE part of the equation, women (and their family) have their own agenda and IF you really want this one specific woman, you have to play her game.
As discussed in other articles, women know they provide a highly desirable commodity which is their ticket to gaining wealth, fame, and a good life. The stronger their desire to gain assets, the less likely you’ll be able to convince her to forgo marriage at least for a little while. Let’s just make an assumption that you convince her to follow your plan…
So now you think you can just skip marriage and live with your girlfriend and have babies without the government being involved? You thought wrong. If you are a U.S. Citizen, the US courts and government has authority to govern you no matter where you live in the world. Whether the issue is based on income, taxes, child support and divorce! The only way to circumvent their control is to renounce your citizenship and lose your benefits, Social Security, Medicare, or whatever else draws you back to the States.
Even though cynical words sound like I detest the idea of marriage, in fact this is far from the truth. I’m an idealist with delusions that my life would be better with a ‘sense of place’ that only an emotionally stable and financially content woman can provide. I know it’s a delusion or at best the odds are stacked against me, but I can’t help but want my ideal and want it with a foreign Asian woman.
Everyone wants to be happy, but face the facts, there is a price to be paid and you pay that price to the Capitalist system. Why do you think it’s NOT considered an epidemic when 50% of marriages end in divorce within two years? The reason why you’re not warned or presented a real contract (which is what you’re really signing) is that Capitalism worldwide relies on marriage and divorces. Think of the money you spend on a marriage including weddings, rings, new home, furnishings, travel, babies, etc… The divorce is likely to cost just as much, as you sell that home, car, and other valuables not to mention the attorney fees. (Which by the way in the US they virtually make divorce impossible WITHOUT an attorney involved). You’re ‘happiness’ and self destructive nature is what keeps the system well oiled with your money. You’re an unintentional slave to Capitalism, now hand over your savings, it’s not helping anyone else sitting in your account.
If I was to sum up "Why Men should NOT get Married”
1. Marriage or even cohabitating is likely to cost you a lot of money, and even if marrying in another country, you need to know the laws in your both your current and home country. Yes the likelihood of her filing a lawsuit in your country is low, but you never know. Anyone know a good site that simplifies the marriage and child support laws per country?
2. If your current marriage is NOT working, make sure you take precautions to prevent an accidental pregnancy. You’re just an accident away from spending a lifetime with a child from an unwanted and possible nasty ex-relationship.
3. Take half of your total assets (include 2 years of income and let’s say 18 years of child support) and divide by the number of times you’ve had (or likely to have) sex in your marriage, if it’s less than the cost of a long time, you are saving money!
4. Divorced/separated men commit suicide 400% more than women… In the case when it involves a Thai women the statistic has to be higher!
5. The chances that you’ve really picking the genuine and honest women who will love you forever… is a delusion. Slap…wake up.
IF you can’t control your little ‘head’ and decide that marriage is for you… these were ideas I would keep in mind:
1. YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT ‘IT’…site, ideas, or suspicions. Do everything quietly, if she knows you’re looking she’ll take more precautions.
2. Do not spend less than a contiguous year living with them before you propose (that means NO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS). A few weeks over a few year does not count, you must be physically with them. There is very little chance that she could secretly sneak around, hide her tantrums, or conceal other bad social behavior over an entire year.
3. I think it’s a big mistake to ‘import’ your bride into your country. If you decide to tempt her with what the West has to offer then at LEAST figure out how many months you have to annul the marriage and send her back to her country. Make sure you understand the EXACT deadline and have all the paperwork ready. You might think filling the paperwork out early is a waste of time, BUT after a year you might forget the details on how to fill the paperwork out properly. While the research is fresh in your brain, fill it out completely and correctly. AND ABSOLUTELY DO NOT reveal this deadline, secrecy is you’re weapon to ensure you’re ‘naturally’ compatible.
4. Find a trusted friend who is excellent at reading signs and issues, he (or maybe she?) can should be a regular visitor. Remember your judgment is clouded by hormones (aka love) and you need someone willing to tell you the hard truth.
5. Never share your asset/bank account details, even better yet, distribute your wealth across multiple countries and NEVER share those details. IF you want to trust her with money, setup her own account, transfer funds periodically and watch how she uses that money. TRUST IS EARNED!
6. Prenups supposedly work, but I’ve also heard most do not hold up in court. Don’t trust your attorney, get a second opinion from someone that has defended prenups in court and knows more than just the theory. Many attorneys are as lazy and unscrupulous as a Thai bar girl!
7. Wear your wetsuit (aka condom) at all times. Sure they are unpopular, but in the beginning you’re playing Russian roulette with both your near and long term health.
8. Never sacrifice who you are, if you compromise, this is the first step to regretting your life and relationship.
I'm of the belief that marriage is for those who want to have kids. If you don't plan to have kids, I remain unconvinced of the reasons – and perceived benefits – of being married.