Hart of Darkness Parts 7 & 8
Fun is summoned.
In the car…
I start to brood again.
I was born in a small town by the coast. I wasn't raised there. I mean I grew up there. But I raised myself. Mum ran within weeks of my birth. Post-natal depression they called it. Pretty advanced diagnosis for those days. I think she
got a good look into my eyes and it scared her half to death. Better she got out while she still could. The old man ran a pub there. Stan "the Slam" Hart. "Slammin' Stan". "Stan the Man". "Hard Hart".
A BIG Bastard. Forearms like a leg of ham. Hands like bricks. I once saw him toss a full eighteen gallon keg of beer all the way across the public bar and hit a troublemaker smack between the eyes. Out for the count. He's gonna get up next
week – they said. Still waiting.
I got free run of the place. He just didn't have time for me. So I did what I wanted. Out back in a small storeroom they kept the empty bottles. My favourite place. Used to go out there and sniff the fumes. Back in those days, see, all
the bottles had corks and a kind of alfoil paper on the top. So you knew if they hadn't been opened. That's if you were sober as a judge o'course! Hah! My best scam was the blackbottle brandy bottles. Can't see what's
inside, see. Filled the empties with water and sold'em to the really fargone paralytics for half price. Inevitably, with the help of a bit of vaseline about the rim they'd drop'em on the street just outside. Never knew what was
in the bottle! Hah! Hah! I was five years old!
Father O'Leary used to have a permanent booking for Room Fourteen every Thursday night. As it happens, that was also the night off for our chambermaid, Mollie. One day, I innocently asked dad what Fr. O'Leary and Mollie were doing
every Thursday night in Room Fourteen. "NEVER QUESTION THE WORKINGS OF THE HOLY ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH!!!" He bellowed. Slammin' Stan whacked me upside the face. I woke up three days later. That turned me. The churchy life for me!
Can't beat it! Fr O'Leary, you're my best friend! I even got Mollie rights. I was IN!
We all file in. Beemo I like. But Fun is no fun at all. The cunt never opens his mouth, 'cept to eat my food and drink my beer. Ah well, when in Rome do as the Indos do, I guess. It's a nice place. Air-con. Big aquarium burbling
away. Marble floors. Leather sofa. And cold lime juice. WTF!?!?!?! Beemo!!! I want a frosty!!! Emergency averted. Bintang materialises. So Auntie, watcha got?
The girls file in mostly dressed in pj's. Hey its around midday. What can you expect? There's gotta be at least twenty of them. I order another bintang and tell Beemo to have'em come back out in bikinis.
"No cannot. Moosaleem."
"They fuck or not?"
"Meestah Hart, you can see but they cannot see eachother in bikini."
"Hmmm…how about nude Beemo?"
Indo jibberish between Fatimah and Beemo.
"How much you pay Meestah Hart?"
To be continued…
"How much will I pay?!?!?! You don't have to be vulgar about it, Koko!"
Beemo, looking bewildered.
I pull out my Motorola and punch in some random numbers. Get some Indo granny shouting jibberish.
I fake the call and trouser the phone.
"That was His Grace. He's ecstatic. Says your market plan is an absolute screamer! Best thing since sliced bread! He's all for it! A masterstroke! Never been done before! He even thought up a name for it on the spot! "BIG
B's!" Reflects your own originality, what? Funding's being arranged as we speak. Should have a TT on the way tomorrow. Check the ATM, advance the first tranche, and settle my accounts with you and Fatima then. Deal?"
Fatima looks dubious but Beemo is carried away by his dreams of new international business mavin status.
He vouchsafes my credit.
The girls adjourn to another room to touch up their mother of graces.
We toast our deal with frosties all round. Fatima lights up a cheeroot and belches.
The girls start to file back out one by one. Drop the pj's at the door.
If you want to spend a pleasant ninety minutes in the Orient, lads, I can recommend this! Permanent parade of nude Indo womanhood, each one trying to outdo the last. Lusty grins and winks, some do gymnastics, some do handstands and sing a
song, one grabs a siamese fighting fish outta the tank and has it suckle her nipples, another palms my frosty and seductively rubs her tummy with it.
"Fresh frosty! That one's warm! Ha ha!"
Difficult decision! Haven't had this much trouble since I took my vow of celibacy! Ha ha! Can't take'em all, more's the pity. Hmmmm…
Ok… Sanari and Ramziyah. Bit of variety. One tall, slim and shy. One compact, fiery eyes, but giggly.
Beemo and Fatima both compliment me on my choices. Fun shoots me daggers. I'm a very intelligent and lomantic gentleman, by all accounts.
"No need to tell me Old Cock, know that already! Ha ha!"
"Have'm spruced up and ready to go at The Rose at seven. I'm off for a nap!"
To be continued…