Stickman Readers' Submissions August 12th, 2009

I Have To Finish With Her

I love my Thai girlfriend and she loves me. But, I have to finish with her. That’s not an easy thing to do when you love someone and have known them for so long.

Why you ask? Because ultimately I have a lot more in common with my Thai female friends than my girlfriend. I tend to keep friends who think like me and have integrity and honesty as their main traits. Friends I know I can always rely on and have good
communication skills. I have about 5 female friends in Thailand with no sexual relations with them at all. I will be going to one of their weddings in Australia in a month. Most of them have a bf or had one recently and will have another one soon
in their ongoing search to find a good man.

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None of my friends are scammers. Most are fairly well educated and have decent jobs. They don’t accept money from guys and don’t ask for it.

But my girl friend. She is younger and more beautiful. She has one of the cutest voices in the world. She is honest but naïve. She has flaws so easily forgotten. She has pouting episodes every few months where I can do nothing but stop talking to
her for a few days. I’m not giving into her unrealistic desires. She’s free to move on to another guy if she wants, I’m always willing for her to do that. But I don’t really want that and neither does she. She knows
I’m straight and narrow and I don’t mess around or cheat. She’s the same and knows if she has to start again with another guy the odds of finding a good man are probably less than 50/50. Especially guys interested in Thailand.
I’m sorry but most of the guys I’ve spoken to about Thailand only think of 2 things… lots of sex with lots of woman and lots of beer. Not the kind of guy I would ever wish on my Thai female friends. I’m just as protective
of them as they are of me.

Pretty much most of my friends know the troubles I’m having with my girlfriend and advise me to finish with her. And I also know it. It’s just so hard that I love her and care for her. I don’t like the influences in her life and some
of her weaknesses would allow these influences to affect her.

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Recent example: Her friend has an American bf in the military making heaps of money from taxpayers from the Afghan war. I don’t believe in these wars with the real reason behind them being control of fuel resources (Don’t give me any of
the patriotic crap – the last war which needed fighting was when Hitler needed to be put down). But I digress. He has plenty of money, more than me. He also thinks differently to me. He believes his Thai girlfriend (now wife) shouldn’t
have to work. So he sends her money every month like a good husband. This seems ideal to my girlfriend and feels that would be good for her too. Yet she knows I never would allow her to be that lazy even if I can afford it, which I can. I give
her gifts and buy her important things but I don’t support her with cash. She lives with her mum and dad and helps them take care of their shop. She doesn’t need supporting and she knows it. We are not married and there is no western
or Thai custom that says I should support her before marriage.

She doesn’t complain about that because she knows if we are going to buy a car and house and get married she is going to help me and help set up some businesses. I wouldn’t have it any other way than a 50/50 effort relationship.

The problem is I know her inherent laziness will get the better of her and put too much pressure on our future relationship. I know the amount of work needed to turn her around is great and it will only take one big future argument to bring everything
tumbling down. She’s a good student, is fairly smart (compared to her friends) and is capable of learning to run a business. She’s capable of learning to make money the proper way and saving up for the things she needs. But I have
this nagging feeling which tells me it's going to come crashing down in the next 2-5 years if I marry her. She’s probably honest enough to give me my share of what we build but there is also the chance I would lose out on whatever
we build together.

Somehow I know what the future holds before it happens (in a vague sort of way). Yet she is the only one I have feelings for. The thought of starting a relationship with a more “suitable” girl seems uninteresting.

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I guess I just have to face the fact that she’s not the girl I’m looking for and I’m not the guy she’s really looking for either yet both of us are not prepared to end it. Yet it has to be done and before I return to Thailand
for good in a couple of months. If I don’t I’m stupid, if I do I’m disappointed in myself and sad.

I want to get her started in the right direction and making her own money. I know she will with my insistence and guidance. But if I end it she won't want anything to do with me, won't accept money from me to build her future, she’d just
blow the money and say f*** him, I’ll just go find another guy – that’ll teach him.

I know what I have to do but it doesn’t make it any easier for the both of us. She’ll probably make herself sick again from the thought of losing me, she’ll lose face and she’ll have to start again. It’s easier just
to keep me. But she won't beg. She’ll be sad for weeks then I guess she’ll move on. I don’t know how to get her to take control of her own life. She’ll be back online in a few weeks, as hot as ever and she won't
have any trouble finding another guy. But will she find the right guy for her. I shouldn’t care, but I do.

It’s my responsibility as I chose her and convinced her I am the guy for her. Yet somehow I kinda knew at the start that it's mainly her age and attractiveness that got me in the first place. She also showed a bit more brains and integrity
to others I met. But I ignored some important points at the start and told myself it would be fine. Yet here I am a year later and those problems aren’t going away.

I guess I wanted to write this not for advice but to let other sincere guys know what to look out for and maybe what to avoid. We are responsible for the situations we end up in. We know when something feels wrong. We only have ourselves to blame in the
end. Blaming others is simply a failure to accept responsibility.

Meeting people online doesn’t help much. Sure you can grow close to someone and feel this is the person for you. Webcam and phone calls before meeting can create quite a feeling of love in someone… it works both ways. Girls are just as likely
to fall for a guy online before meeting. They will put in just as much effort when you finally meet to make it work… at the start. You’ll most likely have sex within a short period of time upon meeting them since more than likely you’ve
already told her and yourself that you love her before even meeting her <What? I know heaps of guys doing the online thing and never heard a guy say he loved he before he met. That is whacked!Stick>.
So it seems like a natural progression when you finally meet. This time I tried to take it slow but she didn’t want to leave the hotel room as she wasn’t feeling too well. I guess she had been anticipating the intimate contact as
much as I had.

How do you meet a girl in person in Thailand if not online?

You could meet at a bar and marry a bar girl with a 5% chance of meeting a good girl. But that’s just lazy.

You could arrive in Thailand and meet someone at a shop or on the street.

You could meet a girl at work in Thailand if you were working there.

But I think for most guys its more likely to be online if you are overseas and interested in a Thai girl. So here are some guide lines I recommend which are pretty hard to follow since falling in love is too easy to do:

  1. Meet the girl and get to know her before falling in love. Usually that means speaking to her online for no more than a month before meeting her in person.
  1. Check for red flags:

    – She says she loves you within a couple of days of meeting her online

    – She asks for money

    – She seems too interested in how much money you have

    – She wants you to take care her family

    – She has a sick buffalo

    – She doesn’t work or study hard

    – She’s a bar girl or party girl

    – She’s interested in you yet she’s way out of your league

(It’s hard to spot red flags when you are in love thus step 1 is more important)

3. Spend several months with her before you think about marriage. You need to be able to gauge certain things once her English has improved after spending lots of time with you. Also, you need to gauge her personality in many different ways such as:

  • – How does she treat other people around her?
    – What are her friends like and how do they influence her?
    – What is her family like and how do they influence her?
    – Does she lose interest in you if you are not a big spender?
    – Does she want to marry you before a decent trial period?

  • – Does the family want a big dowry? (more than what a Thai man would pay?)
  • – Does she work hard or study hard?
  • – Is she too lazy for you?
  • – Does she expect you to do all the work in the relationship?
  • – Is it always your fault?
  • – Does she say sorry when she is wrong? <This is a big one and sadly few Thai girls say itStick>
  • – Does she show interest in you, your work and your family?

Only time tells these things and its incredibly hard to gauge these things when you are head over heals in love. Yet it's always your responsibility to yourself and your future to gauge these things.

Only after looking at all these things have I been able to realize and acknowledge to myself that she is not the one for me.

Yet I have a clear picture of what the Thai girl of my dreams is: I know she is out there. I see these qualities in Thai people all the time in my friends or people I have met in Thailand.

  1. Not overly young or hot (in my same league) 8 out of 10. (A 9 or 10 out of 10 in looks is usually more lazy and gets too much attention. My current girlfriend is a 9 and is too lazy as she knows her looks will get a guy working for her)
  2. Works hard or studies hard
  3. Is honest and faithful
  4. Has personal integrity
  5. Is generally quite happy
  6. Has decent parents that do not put undue pressure on her for money
  7. Wants a relationship for love, not only security
  8. Is kind and caring of other people
  9. Is bright enough to start her own business in the future
  10. Has a courteous and professional manner
  11. Can use communication to resolve problems
  12. Is outspoken and independent.
  13. Is good with children, not overly lax or overbearing.
  14. Does not throw things at animals and think that’s totally fine.
  15. Has a decent sex drive.

Sound too good to be true? Maybe, but I know she’s out there. I will find her.

In case you were wondering I think a good guy for my current girlfriend would be:

  1. Easy going
  2. Handsome man 😉 Not overweight or over 30 (she’s 21 – I’m 30). She’ll be gauging age by her friends boyfriend's age (late 20s)
  3. Has plenty of money
  4. Wants to build a house for her parents
  5. Wants to marry her
  6. Wants to build a house for you and her
  7. Will let her not work and just stay at home and then later “take care of the kids”
  8. Will not let her get away with everything ( she needs a bit of guidance like a 16 year old does)
  9. Will go out with her friends and pay everything the first few times and don’t complain (you have to give her “face” The visiting farang should pay for everything the first few times to impress her friends)
  10. Will buy her a Honda Jazz or at least pay 200,000 down payment (She promises to pay the 10,000 baht per month from the money she makes from the business she hasn’t set up yet – don’t worry her mum will help too about 3,000-4,000 baht per month if she can).
  11. Don’t smoke it makes her sick (I do) – if you love her really then you will quit
  12. Don’t drink everyday or alone or theirs something wrong with you (I don’t)
  13. Doesn’t want to go out too much (unless her friends want to)
  14. Make sure she has at least 1000 baht to spend when going to the markets
  15. Wants to live and stay in Thailand (or just move to Thailand now with all the money as above). About $300,000 USD should cover it… for now.
  16. Will pay her study next year if she chooses to go back to uni next year. It's about 7000 baht per 3 months. Or help her become a air hostess which I think is only about 100,000 per 6 months.

If you fit this description send me your resume, I’ll be sure to let you know when she is available and back online at Thailovelinks is a few weeks / months.

Don’t worry, she is very cute and sexy and likes to be bitten in bed… and likes to bite too if your into that sort of thing. She’ll melt your heart on the phone and she’ll mean it too. Her giggles and laughter will send you into
outer space. She’s cool and sometimes funny. But be prepared to be the main attraction to keep her interested.

But then again, maybe she’ll just chose someone totally different as long as you got finances a plenty and love her really.

Udon Thani is a nice place. You’ll love it there really. I did.

Stickman's thoughts:

I would suggest that you have possibly overcomplicated the problems between you and your girlfriend. At 21, she is quite simply too young to settle down.

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