A Night Out
There was a great story in the submissions section a while ago about a fellow who came to Chalong, Phuket for a month or two to study muay Thai kick boxing. The one night that he did go out for a drink he went down the Chalong Pier road and said he saw the ugliest and oldest bar girls in the world. I had a real laugh from that one as he hit the nail right on the head. I can only think that the street is cursed, the first bar on the left, Coconuts must have an age / ugly requirement to work there. I am familiar with the area as an older Thai lady friend of mine has a small fish and chips shops tucked in between the bars and scuba shops. I often go there for a bite to eat. When I leave and drive past Coconuts Bar I always glance over to check out the women who are on display sitting along chairs and benches on the sidewalk. This time I saw an attractive girl dancing away, not young, about thirty-five and full of life. I’m thinking if she has this much energy she’s going to be a killer in bed. I pull the car over, go in and buy her a drink. She’s still dancing and then rubbing against me; it’s starting to look better and better except for the string of tattoos running down both arms which as my friend Michael from New York says is a sure sign of a hardened criminal meaning a real professional. Well okay, a tiny alarm bell tinkled in my head.
‘Hello, hello, is there anyone home there?’ No I guess not as I ignored the ring.
She gave me the holy trinity of bar girl questions: ‘Where are you from? How long have you been here? Where do you stay?’ The answers being: America, ten years, Rawai.
I, in turn, bestowed upon her my own list of deal breakers, all of which need an affirmative answer: You stay all night? We can take shower together? You can smoke, no condom? You like dogs?
The foreplay being finished, we arrived at a price of fifteen-hundred baht, I paid the bar fine and off we went, home to my house where she sat on the bed and ever a gentleman, I handed her a towel so she could disrobe for our shower.
‘You pay me now,’ she said. It wasn’t a question.
‘No, not pay you now, pay you later.’ My English degenerates into bargirl talk when I become annoyed.
‘Pay now,’ she insisted.
‘You speak me how long I stay here. I say ten years. Not come from airplane today first time.’ By now I am motioning to the sky, waving my arms, annoyed as can be.
She sat there silently staring at me.
‘Okay let’s go. I grabbed her by the hand and led her to the front gate.
‘No, no, I can stay no problem. You pay me later.’
All of a sudden she was more agreeable but once the mango hits the fan they don’t get any better. I took her back to the bar and having already had a few drinks continued my quest for the perfect bar girl. I think there’s a joke in there somewhere. I don’t usually go to bars in Rawai. They’re full of fat foreign beer drinkers, losers and unattractive bar girls, none of which are particularly interested in going home with you. It’s probably been months and months since they’ve been bar fined. I say this only from years of experience and not out of animosity or unkindness.
I stopped by an open air beer bar not far from my house where there seemed to be a few passably attractive girls and no sooner had I sat down one hit me with the first three mandatory questions. It must be the first thing they learn in bargirl school. I let her have my four questions and we seemed to get along all right. We settled on a thousand baht for the night, this being Rawai and the resort of last chances for bar girls. I paid the bar fine again which was thankfully only two-hundred baht and off we went. The girl took off her clothes and lay on the bed.
‘Let’s take a shower now,’ I said.
‘No, later, make boom boom first.’
I undressed, lay down next to her and she began languidly fondling, if you can call it that, my private parts. I looked over at her; she had her head turned away like this was the last place in the world that she wanted to be. Not an auspicious start so I decided to move on. ‘You smoke me now,’ I said.
No, no, I never smoke man, never.’
What? Again? More nonsense? ‘You speak me you smoke. Now you say no smoke,’ I say in an aggravated tone.
‘No, I never say I smoke man. I no smoke,’ she calmly replied.
‘Okay, let’s go.’ I got up and started to get dressed.
‘Okay, okay, I can smoke a little.’ She saw her thousand baht disappearing.
No, you no smoke me. You go back bar now, my English skills once again sinking into half sentences.
She was reluctant to get dressed and did so slowly. Too damn lazy to even be a good whore. Okay, no problem. I took her back to the bar and decided to bite the bullet and drive over the hill to Kata, no choice really, there’s nothing around here.
Parking there is a real problem and even worse in Karon unless you have a motorbike. There’s a whole line of bars along the back road by Club Med, an odd combination, one group where they have a two-thousand baht price fixed short time identified by a kind of swimming pool among the bar area. Further on is a row of sleazy beer bars where the girls have been in the business for more than a while and only do short time on a dirty bed in the back room, unappealing if you ask me. The first half dozen bars coming from Rawai seem to be the best as far as these things go and I lucked into a parking spot and picked out a bar. There was a real cutie there with a bare waist who said she knew me and had been with me before. I knew this wasn’t true but I know they say this to get your interest. Again a tiny bell rang in my head but I ignored it. I bought her a drink, because what they heck they are not there for their health and it was slow in the bars. We seemed to get along okay and went through the usual client / seller questions. I paid the bar fine, the third one that night and took her over the hill back to my house and into the bed room where she sat on the bed.
I gave her a towel, ‘Let’s take a shower.’
‘I take care of you now,’ she said pulling me close to her, reaching for my zipper, too lazy even to get undressed, short time already in her mind.
I couldn’t believe it. Three strike outs in a row and this after personal interviews. Damn, should have listened to those tinkling bells ringing in my head but I just wasn’t home.
‘Get up, get out, let’s go.’ I was annoyed and a just a bit drunk. I took her out to the car and berated her all the way back to Kata, my patience having been sorely abused this night.
‘I’m sorry, you come see me tomorrow, you want bar fine back?
Not to be placated, I continued on my rant, ‘I want nothing from you. You stupid girl. Tomorrow you wake up have no money. I wake up I have money in my pocket. You sleep on bar floor I sleep in nice house. I wake up have big money, you wake up have nothing. Jeeze by now even I was tired of listen to my bargirl talk. I took her back and went home. I had spent a few thousand baht and wish I could say I had a good time but I didn’t.
However the next day, I woke up, it was warm and the sun was shining, I went to the beach and chilled out.
It’s still a great country.
I wonder if this sort of nonsense would have happened five years ago?