Quiet Night in Hua Hin
We were ending our holiday with a few days in Hua Hin. Not the greatest nightlife, but adequate and not in your face. Just a nice beer, mostly outside. Three farangs with a bit too much too much to drink, what are the chances? One of the bar's younger
girls makes her way over with a great smile.
In two minutes she’s working me. Twenty three years old with perfect skin, beautiful face, looks like she doesn’t abuse herself like so many bar girls. Clear, white eyes and a wholesome look that masked the true toughness underneath.
“How old are you?”
“Me yi sip sam”. Twenty three.
“I’m too old for you, farang need old lady. You baby”
“Noooooo! I like old man. Old man have money!” Her perfect smile was infectious and her gentle squeeze on my thigh kept me focused. I’m enjoying the attention and my mates are now getting distracted by the ladies moving toward them.
My half hearted attempts to shake her determination were getting weak. Legs like a dancer, face that could melt your heart. Smiling in my eyes without blinking, pleasantly invading my personal space, she kept her face within inches of mine. Eventually we got down to price.
“ Sam roi bar fine, two thousand for me”.
“Honey, song pan mach mach baht” as I continued to slaughter not only the Thai language but my own as well by intermixing half Thai half English. Two thousand baht with a 300 baht bar fine, the price of two or three lap dances in the states. I thought about the amount of money and rolled my eyes at myself. Not wanting to “ruin” it for the rest, I felt obligated to barter. I’m not a cheap charlie by any means but am cognizant of the reputation of Americans for driving up prices by spending foolishly and try to always stay within accepted norms. I believe the Japanese may have thankfully surpassed the yanks in this regard and we’re happy to lose the title.
“Farang pay it every day, one farang give me sixty thousand baht for one week!” Someone had ruined her for a long time with that stupid spending. I let her statement sink in. All I could think was that some idiot completely fell for her and how hot she must really be in the sack. Sixty thousand for a week, she must be the performer of the century!
Noticing the jewelry bouncing around her beautiful pierced tongue, I decide to make sure this won’t be a bust. “You smoke?”
“Can do anything!”, her enthusiasm and huge smile were melting me. She had me hooked and was in control of the situation. Like a fish struggling against the line, I suddenly realized I was caught.
My mind was now racing. Out with the Liverpool contingent, I was torn between continuing the beer tour or taking home this beauty. I finally relented. For an extra $30 USD I’m going to pass this up? Am I mad? I thought ahead of sitting home looking at snow up to my ass wondering “what was I thinking?” I’m going refuse this poor thing trying to feed a sick water buffalo?
“OK, two thousand. I pay bar fine.” Even my English was becoming broken.
The ride home in the tuk tuk was highlighted by my friend Colin’s rendition of his martial art, Ti Chi, which turned to Thai Cheeks. His demonstration of potential Thai leg placement in the back of a truck was hysterical to all that could understand the language and his Liverpool dialect while under the influence. We had a great laugh and congregated in my room for a nightcap. Then the boys left and I was alone with my stunner.
Immediately she moved to the remote for some fantastic Thai game show that she must have missed. The warmth drained out of her like she jumped in ice water.
My removing her blouse displayed the three huge tattoos on her back. Nothing can turn a stunner into a trashy used stunner quicker than a bunch of tattoos. Then started the excuses…
“You too big, Thai girl no like big” as she looked beyond me at the television.
“Not big, no problem for you,”
After a few minutes and sensing the futility here, unable to get her eyes off the television for more than ten seconds, I attempted to change course.
“You smoke then?”
“No like smoke, only for boyfriend. Too much ‘bakteeria’”
‘I thought you said you smoke no problem?”
“Have customer every day. No can smoke, too much bacteria. If I have boyfriend then I can smoke.” Still glued to the TV, not even eye contact. What happened to this starlet staring in my eyes?
Since the bars were now closed and I didn’t have the energy to begin anew, I thought that I’d better do what I can to partially salvage the evening.
“How about chock wow?” Now I’m getting pathetic begging for a handjob.
She reaches over and starts rubbing the skin off of me.
“Get some lotion!” I would hate to interrupt the television viewing.
I give her some lotion and she accepts it like it’s an imposition. She is now sitting straight up on the bed, back to me watching her program, jerking me off like she’s got a mild itch. Looking at her tattooed back while she literally held the remote in her left hand and my tool in her right, stroking as she intently watched the TV, the nonsense of it all finally sank in to my not so swift brain.
As if it couldn’t get worse, her cell phone rang and I could almost guarantee the upcoming crisis. I stopped her. “You need to go. I’ll pay half. Just go.”
She was happily out the door in 30 seconds. Her only departing words were “If you want to bar fine me tomorrow then…”. It was a very nice condo and I didn’t want to argue over money at the expense of the neighbor’s sleep. Plus I was leaving for home in two days.
For some reason I found it more humorous than frustrating. If the “click” isn’t there, don’t waste the time, hers or yours. It’s the reason I never pull birds from gogos. They’re often desperate to get off the pole and out of there, then the nonsense begins.
Anyway, nothing like a good nights sleep without worrying about a potential missing wallet, camera or computer.
The moment she had said too much 'bakteeria', I would have opened the door and told her to leave…and she would not have got a penny. After all, up until that point, you had not done anything 'untoward'. There would have been minor theatrics, for sure though!