Readers' Submissions

Magic Words And Their Limitations

  • Written by Mikey Mike
  • September 27th, 2006
  • 5 min read



I watched American Football in Bangkok in January. It was the New York Giants (who actually play their home games at the Meadowlands in New Jersey) against the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl. The Bills were heavily favored. They ran a no-huddle offence that scored a zillion points and breezed through the playoffs. The Giants were playing the championship game with their second string quarterback Jeff Hoestetler running the offence because their first string quarterback (Phil Simms) had been injured seriously during a game towards the end of the season.

The Bills got outcoached by the Giants (Bill Parcells head coach and Bill Belichek defensive coordinator). The Giants controlled the game clock and feigned injuries on defence to get the game officials to stop the game clock (and stall the Bills no huddle offence) so the Giants could make necessary defensive substitutions.

The Bills field goal kicker Scott Norwood missed a routine 40 yard field goal as time ran out on the game clock and the Giants pulled off a major 20 to 19 upset win.

Giap (false name) looked drop dead gorgeous wearing nothing but panties and one of my extra T-shirts at the hotel room in front of the television. We had been going at it furiously for the duration of most of the Super Bowl Game. Now I was physically exhausted from my go round with Giap. I was emotionally exhausted from seeing my football team pull off a last minute upset win in the Super Bowl against a heavily favored opponent.

Giap had almost non-existent English. My spoken Thai was quite limited. It was so difficult to try to explain to Giap that the football hat I was wearing that said NY Giants on it was the emblem of the same NY Giants football team that had just won the Super Bowl.

Clive was a good ol boy from Down Under that I kept running into in the Bangkok nightlife scene. He introduced me to his drop dead gorgeous girlfriend from Chaing Rai. He said that she was a waitress in a restaurant when he met her and that she quit her job and took up with him and that she costs him a fortune.

We got on the piss and went out to Patpong looking to have a feed, view a fight and then f….. Clive took a liking to me and starts to clue me in on the Thailand scene. He tells me not to go into any of bars in the upstairs part of the Patpong area unless someone tells me that it is OK to go up into a particular bar because that is where the rip off joints are located.

Clive also told me that if I ever got into any trouble in Thailand to say "TOURIST POLICE" Those are the MAGIC WORDS that will make the trouble go away. If the trouble does not disappear, pay up, then go get the tourist police and you will get your money back.

My first 100% Thai silk custom tailored suit cost around $160 US. I had purchased several brightly colored silky wool suits from Indian tailors. The Indians' design and sense of style is so much more modern than the stodgy Chinese tailors who do fine craftwork but are extremely conservative in taste.

The 100% Thai silk suits are stiff, but the material is so beautiful that the matching jacket and pants almost glow when the light reflects off of them. The silky wool by contrast is colourful and attaches so nicely to your body and moves with an elegant flow. The material is comfortable and breathes.

Now I could tell a lot of my friends back home in the USA that I wear custom tailored suits that are worth more than the cars they drive.

So I decided to stop off in Patpong in the early afternoon for some refreshments before I went down Suriwong Road to pick up my first 100% Thai silk custom tailored suit done by a Chinese tailor. I went into on of the upstairs bars after being assured by at least half a dozen people that there was no cover charge or extra charge for a show.

Right away I picked up on something not quite being right. Two scantily dressed women literally got into a fist fight over which one would get to sit with me. They were busting one another in the face and rolling around the bar room floor screaming in Thai and pulling on one another's hair.

Some woman up on stage pulled out and inordinate number of small sharp shiny objects from an area of her body that they had no place being in the first place.

I asked the female bartender for my bill, paid it and got up to leave. I was probably there for no more than 10 minutes.

A Thai doorman in an expensive suit and speaking impeccable English told me that I could not leave until I paid my bill. I explained that my bill was paid. He said that I must still pay for the show. I explained to him that there was no charge for the show or any extra charge and that many people had repeatedly assured me of this prior to my entering the bar. Finally the doorman insisted that I could not leave until I paid the bill a second time.

OK so I have him scoped out perfectly for a waist high side kick to the left side of his rib cage which should bust a few of them and bounce his head off of the back wall. Then I could quickly come back down into a south paw stance and throw a right jab left cross then right hook at the other Thai guy sitting on the bar stool right by the exit door. This should knock him off of his stool and through the door.

Finally I would have to escape down the steps undoubtedly dodging beer bottles aimed at my head, flying fists, and possible knives, shanks or Saturday night specials….

Wait a minute….MAGIC WORDS…

"TOURIST POLICE" I shouted out loudly to the Thai Guy with the good English in the expensive suit. I want the TOURIST POLICE.

F….You! hollers the Thai Guy. "Get out of here now!"

So I waltzed out the front door, walked down the steps past the pack of criminal thug steerers manning the steps and the streets in Patpong and went down Suriwong Road to pick up my new Thai silk suit from the Chinese tailor.

This suit looks so good I thought. It is conservative in design and the material is stiff but the colour is so beautiful and it almost sparkles in the light.



Not only that, those MAGIC WORDS worked great I thought.

A few days later I met up with Clive in Pattaya and learned that the MAGIC WORDS had their limitations.

2 B CONTINUED


Stickman's thoughts:

These words do NOT work all the time.