Readers' Submissions

Email Of A Jilted Lover

  • Written by Anonymous
  • August 22nd, 2006
  • 16 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

I thought this email may help some inexperienced men who have fallen in love in Thailand and may not have the experience to tell good from bad.

I am in no way anti Thai or against marrying a Thai lady. I have married a lovely Thai lady, we have a baby boy and are very happy.

This email I am forwarding is from the jilted lover of a lady my friends and I regularly had a beer with. We never had any interest in more than having a beer, but she did ask for my friend's email and they did chat sometimes. About two years later he got this email forwarded to him.

The pain you caused to the ones who loved you the most. You will never know because you have never really cared for anybody other than yourself. You will never know what it is to love somebody for what you can do and be for them. You will never understand the chances you have missed to be something more than a selfish person. You will never know the love of a child for it’s mother or the love of a mother for her children. You will never know.

For you love has been downgraded to a disgusting level of a tool. A cheap tool that you like to use to open my heart so you can steal everything inside. And when you had enough you throw it away as easily as an empty cigarette pack. You say the words “I love you” to anybody that is your target. Maybe at the time you like to put yourself in a dream world, but it is amazing how easy it is for you to switch from one dream to another. You have jumped in bed with so many guys behind my back I’m sure you can’t even begin to count them. Many times maybe even on the same day.

How you can play the innocent little girl is unbelievable. Always trying to blame me for something that in reality you are doing yourself. Maybe that is the reason of your over jealous feelings. You cannot trust anybody because you think we are all like you. Well, we may be not perfect, and yes we make mistakes, but we are definitely not like you. The difference is I once made a big mistake and I felt so bad about it I promised myself I never want to feel so bad about myself again and never wanted to see you hurt like that again.

It was a promise to myself and it is enough for me to know I kept my promise even though you have problems believing. I think a lot too about what kind of life you have that in the whole world there in nobody that knows you. Who really knows who you are. Nobody that you can be open and honest to. You will never give anybody a chance to get to know you because you only feed them lies. From the very first talk we had when we met to the very last phone conversation we had, and all the communication in the five years in-between there was not a single thing you ever said that was true. I cannot understand why you had to say your son was already four years old and that you where married four years before at the time we met. When the truth is you where married just the year before and Oy was just a little baby. Maybe you lied because ashamed that you
abandoned Oy at birth and Pon parent’s had to adopt him and take care of him because they knew you where too selfish to be a good mother. You lied about being divorced. You where a married woman for most of the time you where with me. Hongsri is your husband’s family name. It is kind of funny that now I am the only person that know everything about you and that is exactly the reason why you run away from me. You are afraid of the truth.

You can only be with people that believe your lies. That’s why you even don’t want to see your family because they know everything about you and won’t believe your lies anymore!
Before we met you where already having an affair with Darryl Hare. He is the one who took you to Singapore while I was away working. There was never any Elvis who bought an apartment for you and who hated Oy. You where the one who hated Oy and never did a thing for him. However you have no trouble using him when you wanted to steal my money for a brain operation that never took place. Or so many times use him as an excuse not to see me when I come to Bangkok because in reality you just with one other customer.

One sad thing about you is that you have no idea that you could have had all that money and more without ever telling a single lie. I would have given anything you asked for without any reason other that I loved to take care of you. That’s what it means when you love somebody. You love to do whatever it takes, and that is reason enough. I don’t care about the loss of money; I care about the people that I can help with it. But you cannot understand that because you have never given anything freely to anybody.

Your mind is only thinking what it can take. You never used the money in a good way. You have never helped Oy with it. You have never helped your family with it. You never spent it on a temple to give a place of respect for our daughter Pat (who did not die from a fall down the stairs like you said but was cut up in pieces and thrown in a plastic rubbish bag!). In fact I can’t imagine you doing anything positive with it other than buying luxury things for yourself and paying a corrupt doctor to commit an illegal murder. I ask myself often how did you become such a disgusting person without any morals, without any responsibility, without any compassion for others, without respect for life. I know how you where brought up in a small poor slumpy house. I have been inside the home you never wanted me to see, where you used to live as a young girl. I met your father and we had a long talk about you, about us, about our babies, about your family. I know you left home at only seventeen years of age and lived together with another girl as a gay lesbian. Maybe you missed loving care as a young girl, maybe you missed a father who made you feel good about yourself. You never went to university or got a real degree in anything. Now you are still looking for what is missing in your life. Believe me when I say you will never find it. There can be no real love in a life full of lies. There can be no satisfaction in money stolen with deceit. There can be no piece of mind for somebody that kills innocent life without remorse.

You think I am judging you harshly, but how do you feel about yourself? You often cannot sleep at night because you are thinking of so many things. As a Buddhist you should know right from wrong. You should know about the five golden rules in life.

* You shall not kill.
* You shall not steal.
* You shall not lie.
* You shall not muck around.
* You shall not smoke, drink or take drugs.

It seems you have no problem breaking all the rules all the time.

And although no human is perfect, most people are sorry when they break one or two rules. However I can’t imagine you are sorry for anything at all, and you will go on and on breaking all the rules of life till your own life comes to and end.

You complain a lot about your mother but forget that the very things you don’t like about her is what is in yourself. Self absorbed, wanting money for silly luxury things, paranoia, unloving. Take a good look at yourself and think about where you will be in ten years time. In twenty years time? Yes, now at nearly thirty you are still pretty enough to impress any man you want. In ten years time they will all look at you and laugh and think you are over the hill. In twenty years time they will not even look. In fact there will be nobody in your life. No children who will support you. No husband who loves you, no family to turn back to. Just emptiness because when you surface beauty has gone there will be nothing worthwhile underneath. Maybe then you will remember the name tattooed on your body in two places.

Covered up by more ink but never gone. Maybe you will have had enough time to understand the grave wrongs that you have committed. Maybe you will see that love is not for sale even though you put yourself up for sale all these years. Will you ever understand how much I loved you? Yes it was a love that made me blind to the truth. It made it very easy for you to take advantage of me. But I don’t have to apologize for believing and trusting in you even though I know it was a stupid thing to do. I am not the only one who has been stupid. You could have walked away free with a lot more. If I had known that you always planned to kill our children before they even had a chance to come to this world I would have paid anything to save their innocent young lives. I was so in love with these little kids I would have taken them off you for any amount you wanted. I would have paid you one, two, three million baht or more just to have Fong with me now if that is what it would have taken to keep him alive. You would have been free from me and him and have all this money in your bank. The money doesn’t mean a thing to me. Just work a few months of my life to save my son's life. All he wanted was to live. All he needed was a mother that would protect him from evil. All he got was the sharp end of a knife. Everything you said you did for the babies was untrue. You never went to any mother program. You never buy any clothes or things for them.

You never did all these health check ups and treatment programs. All a trick to get money, money, money. Money that I would have given to you willingly and lovingly without the need to lie. The truth would have gotten you so much more. I had a few long talks with Jaroen van der Zand. Was kind of amazed at what had all happened and so was heHe really hates you now. Yes! that how he feels about you now! To learn that you actually killed our first little boy Phu just because you missed mucking around like you could before you where pregnant is so unbelievable. I cannot imagine what goes on in your head to do that. Jeremy found you in December 2004 working as a prostitute in Susie Wong bar at Soi Cowboy. All he had to do is pay and you went with him and had my tattoo covered up the very next day! All this for what? For fun? How long did you know Jeremy before you started asking him for a baby? One or two months? You use babies to get a hook in a guy to suck him dry and spit him out. Even when you didn’t get pregnant from him you try to make him believe you where. Sending fake pictures of babies to him. How low can you go! Now I know you didn’t just lie and deceive me but everybody around you. You planned to go and live with him in Germany just like you planned to live in Arizona with Dennis. You are totally for sale in every respect. Your body, your mind, your soul. All sold to the devil.

Most Thai people will at least respect their own family. But you are just as bad as your brother Pan is in that regard. Even to your own family you try to use them however you can. Nam Wan is nothing more than a cleaning maid to you to wash and iron your clothes. Clean your room and do what ever you say. But even to her you will lie and never admit the truth. You say you love your Grandmother Khun Yai, but when did you see her last or take care of her. When I buy some present to give to her you never give I to her but open it up and use it for yourself. Now she is heart broken to know that you are just a common hooker and that her great grandson is dead. Sometimes I go to see her and we talk. She likes that because she is so lonely and I feel sorry for her. She says now she only has two good grand children: Nam Wan and Bank. You and Pan are the same low life dogs. No respect for anything. Not even for yourself.

The only thing you feel sorry for is for yourself. You make up excuses for yourself that you had no choice in life but to put yourself up for sale to any man who wanted to buy your sex service because you had no choice. That is what you told your father when you broke his heart by becoming a prostitute. “I have no choice.” How wrong you are. You had every possibility to make another better choice. You are a bright, resourceful young woman with so many capabilities that could be put to good use if only you had a positive attitude towards yourself and better self-esteem. So many woman with less talent are making something good with their live under more difficult circumstances than you have ever head. They don’t feel sorry for themselves but have room in their heart to feel sorry for others who are even less fortunate. Maybe your life could have been good if you where able to do that. Have had compassion for others instead of indifference. Donate instead of take. Give life instead of kill. Be strong instead of weak. Use the truth instead of lies. Yes your life could have been good if you had made the right choice. You always had a choice, you just made the wrong one!

What I’m still surprised about is that you left our apartment in a real hurry end April when you heard I would come home, but never been back once these last few months. You only packed one bag and left everything in a total mess with food rotting in the sink and fridge. Don’t worry I cleaned everything up real nice. So how about all your other things? You
don’t want any of it any more? OK, I will clean that up as well and throw it all down the rubbish bin. I paid for most of it anyway. Good trick you played on me saying you inherited this apartment and would put it on our name if I paid the remaining money. The same trick as the Bakery you never had. In fact you have nothing at all other than the slum in Soi Prachin and Bahn Nak Kila. You will never ever have anything more than that. As you get older and older your life will be a downhill struggle And my life now? I have learnt a lot. I have learnt how valuable life is and it should be protected and respected. Every life. I thought a lot about filing a police arrest warrant for you on charges of murder by late abortion. By Thai law you would go to prison for quite a few years. I hope you know that. I already have been to a top lawyer for that. I have a lot of money and in
country-region if you pay the police and justice system enough you can make anything happen.

So don’t believe for a minute I can’t track you down. I can! It’s just money. Will I do that? Well my feeling is I don’t want to have any room in my heart for hate. I want to spend my life doing something positive for others who need it. The money I would have to pay the police and lawyers would be better spent on poor children in country-region who have no mother or father. That’s what I will do. Instead of putting you in jail I will donate to orphaned children home. Help little babies who have a life but no future. Unlike Pat, Phu and little Fong who never had a chance to live but could have had a great future. When you read this you will probably even be making excuses in your own mind, even for yourself, so you don’t have to face the truth about yourself. That is what frightens you the most, more than anything else in world. The plain truth. You kid yourself to believe what you have done is OK and maybe think you are smart in getting your way. You don’t have to be a genius to fool everybody, just a very bad person. That is what you would have been if you only cheated and lied. Just a bad person. But when you killed all our little babies you became evil. What little was left of your karma has gone below zero. Below the value of a street dog. Yes a street dog will muck around same like you, but it will never kill its own babies.

It will always protect them even with its own life. So your karma is way lower than that. I cannot even imagine what you will be born as in your next life. I hate to imagine. Like I told you before: “God sees everything” and there is no place to hide, no where to run to ’m really sorry everything had to end like this. Our relationship could have been something beautiful. I could have given you a good life and you could have given me some beautiful children. Now our dream has ended in a nightmare. What has been done can not be changed. I feel the pain every second of the day. My heart bleeds and hurts. I can free myself from you, but will always miss my children. I believe in their young spirits and I tell them every night that they are not completely alone. They at least have a father who thinks of them and loves them and one day in the future we will be together in heaven. You will never see them there, because no matter what you have only one place to go to: HELL.

Stickman's thoughts:

Quite a rant.