Readers' Submissions

Fast One

  • Written by Anonymous
  • May 9th, 2006
  • 9 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

Actually I was writing on another submission, spending a night with a Thai gay guy (wait a couple of days and read it before you jump to conclusions), but this story here just happened tonight so I kind of quickly wrote it down. The title of this sub is actually borrowed from Paul Cain’s brutal and compelling gangster novel 'Fast One' from 1932. Whatever, I know it’s not the literary club, it’s Stickman’s Bangkok.

Okay, since Mr Stick is on a running gag about my internet dates: I don't wanna prove anything here, it's not that important. There is just a difference in opinions. I, for my part think, yes I have met more interesting girls online two years ago compared to today because the Bkk online dating 'market' has dried out slowly over the time, for many reasons. I don't feel like writing them all down, that would take another submission. But I would not say, that the normal girls I met in real life are morally superior to those I met on the internet.

Okay, let's start. With this submission I just want to entertain the reader. Keep in mind, this is not a click date internet girl and the story is true.

I forgot her name. We met in the All Seasons Place where I had a sandwich at Subway and she was sitting opposite my table, I think waiting for her friends to join her for an afternoon break. She was tall, white, Thai Chinese, the typical All Seasons secretary look I guess. Since she kind of kept on smiling shy in my direction I made a move and gave her my name card with a couple of nice words for free. Would not work in Europe, I know. Here it does. It can take a while, but the girls usually call within two weeks. Success rate: more than 50% which is not bad but I have to add that I do it only 'on invitation'. So don't go across town giving away your (private not business) namecard, nobody will call you. It's not as easy as it sounds. Well this girl for instance did not call me within two weeks and so she disappeared from my memory…

I was about to watch “the longest yard”, of course the original, when my phone rang. ‘Hello this is Patcha. Do you remember me’ Ahhh. Eeeh. ‘Yes, sure’. ‘Can I come over to your place tonight? I will meet you at the lobby’. I said alright, but I had no clue who she was. If I had a suspicious girlfriend, I would not make an appointment like this. It sounds like a trap, but then, I was just meeting her in the lobby, she obviously knew where I lived… So anyway, if things turned bad, or if I started to feel something funny going on then I would just not let her up and disappear on the way to the toilet.

She said she was gonna come at nine, it was 20 minutes past nine and I called her. ‘Where are you’. She said she is in the supermarket in my building, buying food for me. So I took the elevator down to see who that Santa Claus was.

I could not believe my eyes, it was that Thai Chinese girl from All Seasons. She had the guts to come straight to my place after more than 2 months we met? This is going to be an interesting evening I thought. It surely was.

To buy food for me can be seen as cute, but I already started to believe she had a cute little screw loose. But since she was so cute, I did not mind to help her tightening the screws. She said she bought all this stuff now and wanted to put it into my fridge. I said fine, go ahead. All Seasons girl as she was she called a security guard immediately to help her carry the heavy load. This was good entertainment. So we arrive at my apartment, with the security guard, giving me signs how pretty she was in his eyes. Thank god he was doing it quite discreetly. But then I know these guys inside out. They would not embarrass me. The last time someone embarrassed me to the bones was in a restaurant a month ago. I had a glass of wine and was in a good mood. I asked for the check. A waiter came. I said to him, today my girlfriend pays (which actually was the case I mean the check thing). You know what he said? ‘Which one? You have so many girlfriends’. I have never seen that guy before, the only thing was that I kept going to that place some time ago with some of my dates or just female friends. The old staff must have told him something about that and he just burbed it up on my table. Discretion made in Thailand.

Well the girl took it easy, she just said the waiter was a jerk. That is. I did not make too much of a thing about it either. This is Thailand and anything can happen. Next time I will not say ‘my girlfriend pays’, next time I will pay myself. That taught me a lesson, bragging in front of waiters. Yeah yeah, I could have called the F&B director, I even had his cell phone number. But then, the waiter was making a joke. I truly believe he was making a joke. See how multi culti I have become. To be honest I actually wanted to bite his head off.

So with the security guard saying good night to Miss All Seasons, she started to unpack her bags. There was 2 liters of water and some orange juice and some drinks only Thais drink. Let me quickly check the refrigerator: M sport and splash. Splash sounds good to me. Apropos splash, she also bought me shower gel, Palmolive aroma therapy. Maybe she thought better to be safe with a barbarian like me. Men who have hairy breasts usually never have soap in their rooms. I watched her closely, she did not seem to be bothered to sit in my living room, also my balcony was no interest to her.

She then said: ‘I have another surprise for you’ I thought what now? I mean, I gave my name card two months ago to a girl in All Seasons, she now is in my room, filling my fridge with stuff I will never eat or drink and she has even another present in her handbag. I concluded, she did not buy that downstairs in our supermarket. It was a CD. First I though it's her favorite songs. A lot of girls do that, they make a compilation for you, it's actually quite lovely. But then I looked at it closer. It looked like a cartoon. So I thought ah, that is some kind of Japanese cartoon. I said thank you, I thought it’s some other useless stuff like the M sport drink. Then she said: “Do you mind?” I asked what do you mean? She said about the movie. Then I took a second look. It was a Japanese porn movie. Kokeshi Cowgirl. With Paj Paj. I thought it was a cartoon because the girls are dressed up as dolls and the cover is half painted.

Well kind of special, this evening. But then, this is Thailand, anything can happen. We did not have sex instantly. I think we waited 15 minutes. Of course she wanted to see the movie while doing it. But I hate this Japanese junk. All with vibrators and strange sex toys. Total psycho. I left it on for her but muted my television, but it was still hard to ignore.

After we were laying naked on the bed and we were talking about going out and things. I told her I had just been to a club where all the actresses go and I could see they were all operated on, I mean their noses. Then she looks at me and asks, am I operated on too? I asked her permission to touch her nose and I could feel instantly that it was not real. I tell her, that her nose is fake. She first claims it’s real, but I just tell her that it’s not real in my opinion. Anyway. Then she tells me that I am the first person who tells her that. Well, I agree, it is done quite well, and it’s not obvious, the problem is the silicone inside. Well I have a friend in Europe, actually quite a good friend, he is a plastic surgeon. He is not the flashy type but the one I would send my own mother to if she ever decided on a face lift. Anyway, he said, the most difficult plastic surgery operations are noses. The second memorable thing he said, the silicone noses will collapse sooner or later, due to gravity. Well the silicone will move its way down and make a saddle nose. Google this if you are interested. Anyway I told her that it would be better to use cartilage from the ear to build a nose instead of silicone. She said she will do it next time.

Then she asked me if her boobs were fake. I looked at them, and I remember that they felt quite natural, maybe she had small implants. I touched her right breast and I felt there was some lump. Surely not a breast implant, but I told her to see a doctor about that. She then touched her breast herself and was quite shocked, because she felt the same. Then I had to calm her down. I told her that it’s usually nothing but she should just go and check it.

After we got dressed she said I looked like Mark Wahlberg. I said who? The Italian Job she replied. The what kind of job? Well I heard had better compliments than this. I just remembered him as dumb ass Marky Mark, but some of his latest films, especially the Yards with James Caan or of course Boogie Nights. Whatever okay, it’s not the movie review…

When she left I asked her what took her so long not calling me for two months. She said she did not feel horny. Okay, whatever, I take it as an explanation. Then I watched 'the longest yard' the 1974 version. I was never a Burt Reynolds fan, but in this film, he is great.

Stickman's thoughts:

There's going to be a run on farangs getting business cards in Bangkok over then next few days…