Readers' Submissions

The Sukhumvit Time Tunnel (Part 1)

  • Written by Union Hill
  • March 10th, 2006
  • 9 min read

Have you noticed how time flies when you are having a few beers with your mates? It seems like one minute you are sitting in a shady spot enjoying a bevy and a bit of a chat, the next time you look at your watch hours have elapsed, your vertical hold isn't working and you have no idea where the time went. Well, this happens to me quite often. A couple of weeks ago, I successfully managed to lose four consecutive days in this particular fashion. Four days, after all is quite a long time. Had I fallen into some kind of time trap?

Friday afternoon.

I fired up the car and gunned it up the exit ramp out of the basement car park and launched it into the Bangna Trad traffic. It was early on a Friday afternoon and I had about twenty five minutes to get to Soi 150, Ramkhamhaeng Road where I had arranged to pick up my mate Andy at 3:15. By Bangkok standards, the traffic was light for a Friday afternoon so I zipped around the Ring Road without incident. Andy opened the passenger door and jumped in just as the dashboard clock flashed up 3:14.

I plotted a course for Sukhumvit Soi 7/1 where we had arranged to meet Rob, another friend of ours.

We weaved our way down Ramkhamhaeng Road and hung a right onto Rama 9. The traffic was thickening all the time and by the time we got to Asoke we were barely moving. I decided that once we turned right onto Sukhumvit I would dump the car at the first available car park, which was at the Sheraton Hotel and we would walk the last few hundred metres to Soi 7/1.

When we arrived Rob was waiting for us outside The Eden Club. He said he had just popped inside for a quick look only. Whatever Rob chose to do with his Friday afternoons was his own affair and certainly no business of mine!!

We settled down outside a bar a few doors further along and ordered a round of beers.

We had no agenda. We just sat and told each other daft stories, as friends do over a few beers.

Time passed and the late afternoon turned into early evening. The next thing I knew, we were in Soi Cowboy at the Tilac Bar. More beer, then a visit to Rawhide for one more. By about 10:00pm Andy and Rob had both reached contentment and capacity and decided it was time to head off home. We shook hands and parted company. Honourable men, these two.

As for me, I wasn't done yet. We all know that there are plenty of available girls in Soi Cowboy but I was in no condition to start breaking in any new horses at that time of night. I decided to go to Soi 22 where I hoped an old favourite of mine would still be available. When I walked in Gay's eyes lit up and she greeted me with a beaming smile and a hug. She knew she would be getting paid tonight.

I paid her barfine and we headed off out. Gay was wearing a shortish but respectable dress, so I decided we would go to a music bar for some dancing and more drinking. After all it was still early!! I began to slow down a bit a little after midnight so me and Gay retired to a small hotel for the night. She's a good sport is Gay and we have known each other for a while. She didn't object too much when I tore her knickers to pieces with my teeth, while she was still wearing them.

In the morning, I settled my account with Gay and she charged me an additional three hundred baht for a new pair of knickers. Fair enough!!

Once outside, I deposited the knickerless Gay into the first passing taxi and sent her home. I stood on the roadside outside Larry's Dive on Soi 22 and gathered my thoughts.

It was now 10:15 on Saturday morning and I needed to collect the car, get some breakfast and I needed a shave. There was something else I had to do today but I was buggered if I could remember what it was.

I hailed a cab and went to the Sheraton to get the car. The concierge kindly stamped my parking ticket so there was no charge. I swung out of the Sheraton, headed down Sukhumvit and turned left into Soi 4 parking in the Rajah Hotel car park. Breakfast was next on the list.

Opposite the Rajah Hotel on Soi 4 is ‘Jools', a bar / restaurant that serves the meanest Great British Breakfast anywhere outside of Yorkshire . I ordered the works and washed it down with two mugs of tea. Bloody handsome.

I still needed a shave so I wandered down the road a bit to a little salon next door to the

‘Charming Bar'. Over the years I have become something of a regular here (at the salon that is, not the Charming Bar). The staff are all very friendly and most call me by name. Every time, I go there Joy gives me a card with her mobile number on it and invites me to call her, anytime. I never have though.

I get my shave and Joy asks, as she does every time, if I need anything else, “Manicure? Pedicure? Facial?” I decline. We all know you can't polish a turd!

I left the salon seriously considering returning to the car and making for home but as I stepped out of the shop, a lady called my name from across the street. It was On from The Golden Bar.

I crossed the road to say hello. On took me by the arm and led me towards her bar. I have known On for years. We had intimate relations some years ago. I even slept in her apartment once but these days I just stop by for a chat and a drink whenever I walk past. She has never asked me for anything in all the time I have known her. Usually, she doesn't even ask me for a lady drink. Today however, she needed my help.

I don't know exactly what the rules are but in most bars the girls are required to score a minimum number of barfines every month. If they don't fill their quota, the bar will cut their salary. On was one barfine short of her monthly quota and it was February 25 th . She asked me if I would barfine her today to secure her monthly wage. I agreed and as the sun was now over the yardarm I ordered a beer too.

Now On is a pleasant enough girl and bright enough but when all is said and done these girls' forte is sex, not intellectual discussion. The fact was, I was happy to help On with her barfine tally but I did not need another round of sex so early in the day. When sex is removed from the bar girl scene, there's not a whole lot left and I find that boredom can set in quite quickly. We had lunch together at the new Bus Stop following which I gave her the rest of the day off. After lunch and a few beers I was starting to feel no pain again. I was really just topping up from the night before.

It was now 4:00pm on Saturday afternoon. Something was gnawing away at the back of my mind. I still had that feeling that I had forgotten something but I really could not bring it to mind. Never mind. It would come to me, I was sure.

So, On left and I tried to think up some new mischief to get myself into. I was in Sukhumvit Soi 4 for gawd's sake. How difficult could that be?

Well the answer was, not very difficult at all! I walked around the corner back towards the Rajah Hotel and just there behind the 7/11, is a bar called The Tequila Bar which is owned by an enigmatic Welshman named Eddie.

There's not much to this place really. It has one big pool table which dominates the bar room, loud music, a bunch of playful girls. Oh.. and Eddie who usually sits at the end of the bar with a cup of coffee. He don't say much.

The girls like to play pool of course and we developed a private system where if I won, they would massage my member and show me their various pink bits. When the girls won, I would buy them a drink. It doesn't take much to keep me amused for a couple of hours.

The next thing I noticed was that it was dark again already. Just where had the day gone?

Thoughts of going home again crossed my mind. But first, I would have a quick look around Nana Plaza .

This was really intended to be a ‘quick look around' but as with all my best intentions, it quickly became another flagstone on the road to hell. Before I knew it, it was already 0:45am. It was then that I remembered something really important. England were playing Scotland in the Six Nations at 1:00am. I suddenly had a new mission. I needed to find somewhere to watch the rugby.

I can report with authority that at 1:00am sharp on Sunday morning 26 th February, Bangkok 's finest appeared as if from nowhere and instantly curtailed every form of entertainment in Nana and Soi 4 at a stroke. TV's were turned off, doors were locked and lights were extinguished. By 1:05am everywhere was shut. Even the TV in the Nana Hotel was turned off. I know the Thai police can sometimes be a little insensitive but to switch off a man's rugby is brutality beyond belief.

I hatched an alternative plan. I knew that some places on Soi 33 were licensed until 2:00am. I could surely talk someone into showing the rugby in one of the bars there. I jumped on a motosai taxi without a second thought.

Sure enough, the girls at Goya were happy to comply with my request. I had not been to Goya for quite a while and Nok had had a boob job since I saw her last. She was desperate to show me her new equipment but even that could not compete with the spectacle of watching Scotland trounce England in the Calcutta Cup. She was quite bemused.

After the rugby had finished, I needed a bed for the night. I was now ready to make a closer inspection of Nok's new knockers so I took her back to the Rajah Hotel with me for that purpose. I was in no condition to drive or operate any dangerous equipment by this time, so I settled for using her new augmentations as pillows until the morning.

Part 2 to follow……..

Union Hill

Stickman's thoughts:

Good to see rugby high on your list of priorities!