Stickman Readers' Submissions March 11th, 2006

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 124


So Mr. Modern Man (MMM); you feel sorry for prostitutes. You really do. In fact, you have found that feeling sorry for prostitutes out loud at cocktail parties and around the water cooler at work is social currency in the bank. When that
cute little minx Cindy from Accounting is around you always make sure she can hear you bleat about feminist approved sympathy for prostitutes. And you really do feel sorry for them. Their lives are horrible. Especially compared to your own.

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Really? Want to put it to the test? Let's see who is doing better. Since you are such a manly man you won't have any problem with this–right? You'll abide by the results–right? Ok great. Let's just run the
tally and then you do the responsible thing and make the right choice based on the evidence.

I have known a prostitute who works the boardwalk in Pattaya for years. She is now in her early 40's. It is all she has ever done. We will call her Da. I would use her real name and she would have no compunction about using her real
name but I am not sure yet that you are equal to her. Let us first see if you deserve to know her. Oh by the way–she never lies.

1. Da works for herself. There is no mamasan or barowner or boyfriend or husband telling Da what to do. Da is independent. She has no boss.

How about you Mr. Modern Man (MMM)–are you your own man or will you get your sorry ass thrown out in the street if you don't do what the boss wants? Is your boss a woman? Is your boss younger than you? Is your boss an ass but

2. Da works a six day week but only when it suits her which means she does not work for about two months of the rainy season. Two months off. She also does not work on cloudy days or windy days or cold days or out of season rainy days. I
figure she works about 215 days per year.

How many days a year are you required to work at the soul destroying gulag prison you are at Mr. Modern Man?

3. Da knows what trade she is in and she works it in a disciplined way like a business; but it still only requires that she work six hours per day. She works from 9:30–3:30. That is it. If she meets a potential new customer at 3:25
he is informed that she will be available tomorrow. She is going home.

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How many hours do you work Mr. Modern Man (MMM)? I know. Shit loads. And you brag about it as if bragging about working hard or working hard for someone else makes you more of a man instead of less than a man. Fool. Since you are so educated
and so saavy and so smart let me ask you a question. What do you think Da thinks of a man who has to work more than her? And you feel sorry for her? You've got it assbackwards pinhead. She feels sorry for you. Well, actually she doesn't.
You don't even count that much.

4. Da gets paid in one economy and lives in another economy. She charges foreigner prices but she spends her money in the Thai economy. It is not possible to stretch your money or utilize your energy more efficiently. Da has learned to live
below her income and practise responsible money management. When Da and I are together it is never for more than 45 minutes. 500 baht to her. We are done by 11:00 a.m. The rest of her day is one more short time from someone who pays better than
me and a trip to Western Union to see if any money came in. Then it is time to go home and cook dinner on her modern stove while the airconditioner is humming and a Thai game show is on the big screen. Mmmmmm. . . . tough gig.

How about you MMM? Do you have to spend your money in the same economy that you earn your money? Of course you do. Does it take you 8 to 12 hours per day to pay for 24 hours of expenses? That is why you are broke and tired all the time. Da
is never broke or tired.

5. Da does not live on Beach road or 2nd road or even on 3rd road. She lives further east where the economy is 100% Thai. She has a modern one bedroom apartment which is affordable because she is paying Thai prices. She also has an airconditioner
and big screen TV and modern kitchen appliances and a new motorbike. I have visited but never been entertained there. It is her home. Home and business are separate. If you look in her passport she has been to Iceland and Canada and San Francisco
and Germany and Juddha and Austria and New Zealand and Japan and Singapore and Macau and Hong Kong. The foreigners she sells her services to think she is an ignorant whore and feel sorry for her. She has everything they do and she has seen more
of the world. Da keeps her mouth shut. She just lets the Modern Men talk–and pay.

Where do you think she is during the rainy season? In some rural Thai dump holding someone's squirmy filthy unloved baby? Not by a long shot. Da is on a plane–dressed to kill–and getting out of the Kingdom. Accompanied or unaccompanied,
paid for or paying out of pocket it makes no difference.

And why doesn't her passport have stamps from Burma and Cambodia and Laos and Vietnam? Two reasons: The first reason is that none of the farang men in those countries have any money. Da isn't wasting any time with backpackers or
missionaries or travel book readers or the culturally sensitive. Being pelted by rain in front of some architectural pile of rubble in the steaming jungle while some land mine victim tries to sell her an umbrella is not Da's idea of a vacation.
Hence the second reason: who in their right mind would visit those Asian crapholes when you could be attending special parties in Tokyo (first class round trip tickets in advance and a limo waiting at the Narita airport), or trolling for retired
British airline employees in Singapore, or buying discount designer knockoff fashions in Hong Kong? Da likes Da and Da likes living and Da knows how to live.

Example: One year I thought it would be fun if the two of us took a trekking tour to Butaan.

Me: "Da, would you like to go on a 10 day trekking tour of Butaan? The country is beautiful in the foothills of the Himalayas and I of course will pay for everything?"

Da: "You want me to go hiking in Butaan? Are you out of your mind?"

All of a sudden her English language speaking and comprehension skills were excellent.

Anyway: In her small one bedroom apartment she has put the bed in the living room and made the bedroom into a walk-in closet for her clothes and shoes and purses and jewelry. She loves fashion. She is the only working girl on the boardwalk
who is dressed up every single day. From the low rent Thai end of the boardwalk down near the Thai bathing beach section all the way south to the boardwalk wall opposite the Royal Garden Plaza 99% of the hookers are low rent bottom feeding trash
who do not care how they look. Not Da. Da cares and Da dresses every single day. Her body and her age have now started the long betrayal and she is overweight and past her prime. Her breasts now sag where they used to point at the sun. But she
has learned to dress to effect and make sure her big ripe puppies are up front and high and bursting from her tops. Later in the hotel room gravity takes over and you both have to do some adult expectations mental adjusting but meeting her and
looking at her and picking her up on the boardwalk is always exciting.

A long long time ago a friend of mine and myself were at the town dump here in the States on a Sunday. Just messing around like twelve year old boys do. Throwing rocks at seagulls and stumbling around in junk and shooting slingshots at bottles
and cans. We discovered a whole bundle of Playboy magazines. The breasts on those women made an impression on me for life. Da is the twelve year old part of me. She knows that part of every man is a part that is still only twelve years old and
that is the part that you want to sell to. Hence the dressing up and the selling of sex through fashion. Part of the business and part of her personality. Her name is Da. She has value. She dresses up. She has about 300 hangers of clothes. Standing
in her closet and looking around it is a monument to ego. Good for her. People without ego I do not want to know.

How about you Mr. Bigmouth Sympathetic Modern Man–still walking around in last years suit and shoes no one notices? Still wearing blue suits and white socks? Still wearing striped shirts and patterned ties? Still showing up at the
office with no belt? Still not trimming your eyebrows or the hairs growing out of your nose or your ears? Still don't have a tailor?

Think no one notices? Think again Mr. Low Rent. Think again Mr. Big Talk. Da would have you spotted and measured at 200 yards. From her boardwalk station under the trees she would spot you moving up north from the Royal Garden Plaza Mall
or headed south from around soi 11. Like a silent smiling jackal entertaining a mouse she would let you approach and genuflect and speak and squeak and bounce and jump and twitter. Then she would play you like a violin. Then you would pay.

A hint Mr. Modern Man: Never feel sorry for the person you are paying. You are paying them. They are not paying you. You are paying them. Now you repeat it.

6. Da the horrible prostitute that you feel so sorry for receives daily and constant reinforcement from the opposite sex that she has value as a woman. This is a brain stem primal need that we all have and one of the contributers to good
mental health.

How about you Mr. Modern Man–are you receiving daily affirmations of your attractiveness as a male from females? Well, are you? Really? Ok I believe you. Just answer me one question. How many females would give you money to have sex
with them? This isn't reasonable or fair? Really? Well it is reasonable and fair in every one of Da's days. I guess you two aren't equal are you?

7. Da owns everything she has free and clear without loan, lien, or mortgage. Her only daily expense is the gas to run her motorbike into work. She would have to run the motorbike anyway no matter where she worked so it is a non issue. Same
with the clothes. She would have to dress anyway no matter where she worked. Another non issue. Da's daily expenses to run her business are approximately zero and she is debt free.

How about you MMM? Are you debt free? Course not. Your debt is running you. Between your boss running you and your debt runnning you you're lucky your dog has not abandoned you.

8. Da has been running her business so long and so honorably on the boardwalk that she has the best spot and the most reliable friends and the protection of the police. She has respect.

How about you Mr. Modern Man? If you got in trouble would friends or the police show up? Really? Want to try it?

9. Da has a rolodex of happy satisfied clients that call constantly. She has a cushion if she meets no new clients on the boardwalk. Twice she has called me when things were slow. I nearly broke a leg getting down there. She has a business.

How about you MMM–do you have a business?

10. Da has the final veto in all matters. It is her business. It is Da's way or the highway. She makes the rules. She decides what is and what is not going to happen.

How about you MMM? Oh don't even bother lying to me. You haven't got control over anything and your resume is limper than your dick.

11. Da likes herself and her life and what she does. I know this will come as a complete shock to some people but there actually are some living breathing women who like to get attention from men and who like to get naked with men and who
like to have sex with men and who like to get paid for it. In the hotel room Da likes to look at herself taking off her clothes and then she likes to get on the bed naked and put her arms around you. After sex she likes to take a shower with you
and wash you and be washed by you. She then likes to get dressed in front of the mirror and she likes to look at herself while she is doing so. Sound superficial? Really? How about stamp collecting or golf or flower arranging or bird breeding
or arrow making or dog training or church choir singing.

Superficial? Of course they are. Except for eating and shitting; everything we do is superficial. Nothing we do is important or required including breeding. Da's life is no more superficial than the lives of many. She is running no debt,
socially stable, mentally happy, fun to be with, and a parasite on no one.

I used to have a girlfriend in the States who took showers with the light off in the bathroom because she 'didn't feel good' about her body. Clearly this human being had unresolved issues regarding ego and gender and personal
appearance. I am 100% sure she would look down on Da and on Da's lifestyle in the patronizing way of all undersexed farang buckets of judgemental lard. She would be wrong. Da can get naked and get down to business because she has ego and
intelligence and focus.

How about you Mr. Modern Man? Are you happy with who you are and what you do? Really? Then how come you are still farting around with recreational drugs and too much alcohol and a foul mouth and reading the Help Wanted section of the newspaper
every Sunday? Last time we checked you are running debt, only socially stable because you are hemmed in by others, only fun to be with if someone wants to hear whining and victimhood pouting, and your payments into the social welfare system guarantee
a future of parasitism masquerading as entitlement–"I paid into it–I earned it".

12. Because Da is a Thai citizen she has access to affordable health care.

How about you MMM? Is your health care affordable? Don't even bother answering. Lie to someone else.

So Mr. Modern Man who is so terribly concerned about the lives of prostitutes; who is doing better in their life–Da or you?

Remember how we started this conversation? We were going to run a tally and then you were going to do the responsible thing and reach the inescapable conclusion and take the necessary steps. I've heard you lately talking and chatting
and I couldn't help but notice that you like to use Buddhism as a way to build yourself up. Expostulating on the features and benefits of Buddhism. Makes you look and sound International and hopefully sexy to Cindy in Accounting.

"Well, I'm not really that religious but if I were to pick a religion I think Buddhism has the most going for it".

I am sure Buddhism and the Buddha thank-you Mr. Modern Man.

Well, since you know so much about Buddhism I am sure you are aware that the simple ideas of making merit and rebirth have been transmorgified in Thai Buddhism into a belief in reincarnation. Sure, you knew that. Of course you did. Ok, here
is the question of the day Mr. Modern Man. Based on what we have just seen in comparing your life to the life of a Thai prostitute–when you are reincarnated; would you like to come back as a prostitute?

No . . . Why not?

Hey, didn't we have a deal? Weren't you going to accept the evidence and then act accordingly? What's the matter Mr. Watercooler Warrier–no balls? Just average?

Why don't you put your life where your big mouth is Mr. Modern Man? I intend to. When I retire to Thailand it is not going to be as some old broken down storytelling farang. I'm going to be on the boardwalk selling it. Ankle braces
and high heeled shoes, lemon yellow spaghetti strap summer dress, silk underpants with little pink elephants, jewelry, disco purse, pink lipstick and long pink nails (to go with the pink elephants), a glossy black wig that goes to the backs of
my shaved knees, and sparkles in my hair that glint and flash in the sun. I'm going to be a prostitute. Finally I'll be able to live a life of independence and dignity and respect. No more bosses and no more debt and no more long hours
and no more taxes and no more worry about where is the money coming from and how am I

going to pay the medical bills. My worries will be over and I'll have a rolodex full of men who want to love me (and pay me). Sweet Jesus reserve a spot for me in heaven–and heaven will be a place under the trees on the boardwalk in South
Pattaya opposite Soi 13/0. No condoms–I'll be selling sex. No lube–it feels good when it hurts. And most especially no cell phone. No appointments necessary–I'll just take them as they come. A happy satisfying life of chatting with
my friends, catching some rays next to the ocean, and playing butt darts with rich foreign men.

How about you Mr. Modern Man? Want to be a prostitute? I'm sure that little minx Cindy from Accounting would think you a man of honor if you chose to be reincarnated as a prostitute. She would respect you for making a rational choice
based on the evidence. No? Well, ok–then you can be one of my customers. A second rater to the end.


Comments to follow.

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