Readers' Submissions

Thai Farang Love Story

  • Written by Nirvana365
  • November 2nd, 2005
  • 19 min read


By Nirvana 365

I have been reading this site for a few years, so I guess it’s time for me to suck it up and provide my story. I recently read “They Won't Change But They Can” for the second time, and I decided to attempt to give him what he asked for: the rare story about a successful Thai-Farang relationship. Although I initially read that story some time ago, I was not in a position to discuss a successful relationship at that time. Now, I believe that I am, but the readers can be the judges of that.

My initial visit to Thailand began a couple of years ago. Like just about every other reader, I absolutely LOVED IT! Unlike most readers, I came to visit, and I have never moved back to my homeland. I guess I was totally enamoured with the rock star status Thai ladies bestow upon young, fit, mildly attractive farang men. I was also in the process of divorcing a lovely Chinese-American woman who refused to let me leave her while I was anywhere in the US. My decision to relocate has turned out to be a mutually beneficial one because my former wife and I are both happier now than ever before. Although we were together for many years, we didn’t have kids, and I’m incredibly thankful for that. With all the pain associated with our break-up, I cannot fathom how much more difficult it would have been if children were a part of the equation.

Before coming to Thailand I read this site from top to bottom, so I knew about the stories regarding sick mothers, dead buffalos, and etcetera. It was my on-the-job training for the encounters that followed my arrival in the LOS. I had brief trysts with a seemingly infinite number of ladies (pros and non-professionals alike). I guess I could have fallen for any of them, but I don’t give my heart easily. I dated “high class” college students who drove BMWs; “middle class” girls who ran shops or worked in hotel reception areas; and I fooled around with “low class” bar girls as well. I had some fun, my penis had a blast, but none of the encounters were particularly fulfilling. I guess I’m not the hit-it-and-quit-it type.

Then, about 18 months ago, everything changed. I was buying some clothes at Mike’s Shopping Mall, and all of a sudden, I saw her. She was selling shirts and my heart hit the floor. I know it sounds like a load of crap, but it was love at first sight (sorry about that guys, I know it’s corny, but it’s true). She was the most beautiful, sexy lady I had ever seen! I’m not from somewhere deep in the Australian Outback, where I see a hot chick once in a blue moon either. I am from Los Angeles, and I’d worked in the city most of my adult life. I saw models and other gorgeous female creatures walking around all the time. But this girl was different for some reason. I knew I had to talk to her, but her looks just threw me off my game. I had to know if she had anything upstairs (no, I’m not talking about her cup size here guys). Since I was totally incapable of uttering a single phrase, I left. I know, what a freakin’ wusssssss!!! I still can’t believe it either.

You’d better believe that I came back later though (otherwise this would be a very short story). I composed myself and I proceeded to talk to her every day for the next few weeks. I asked her about her likes and dislikes … blah, blah, blah. I did all the stuff one has to do to date a “good girl” in Thailand. It seemed like forever, but I finally got her to agree to go out with me. Watching her eat fish and rice; rice and fish; or the dynamic shift, fish oil and rice at all our meals wasn’t tremendously exciting, but I did get to spend time with her.

During our time together, I realized that she was basically a good seed, but she was spoiled rotten when I met her. Although she grew up as a poor farm girl in rural Sa Kaew, she had 14 Barbies (WTF)! Despite the fact that her father was from a wealthy family and was well-educated, he had a falling out with his parents decades ago and was banished from the family as a result. Obviously, this had some negative financial ramifications for his children, but it also made my lady quite different from her friends. Her family stressed education. All three children were in the top of their respective classes (two girls and one boy). They all speak English very, very well, and my lady even knew that Luxembourg was a country in Europe, and she pointed it out on a map (go figure).

She lived a fairly pampered life for a Thai. Her parents worked all day and never demanded that any of the children work on the farm. Moreover, the parents refused to allow the children to do any physically demanding labor. They simply asked that the kids study hard, and that they cleaned up the home once in awhile. Simple enough right? Wrong, my spoiled little wife-to-be refused to clean when her parents requested it. She would only clean when she felt like it (and that wouldn’t occur until at least a few days after the parental request was made – what a control freak). Suffice it to say, it was difficult in the beginning she and I.

She tried walking away from me when we had disagreements (perhaps I was supposed to go running after her each time), but she would always return a few hours later. She tried that ridiculous pouting like a baby thing that Thai girls do, but I would just completely ignore her when she acted that way. She asked me to buy her some gifts a few weeks into our relationship, and I just said no. I’m sure this would have meant that I loved her, at least in her eyes, but I didn’t want her to be with me for financial reasons.

I always led her to believe that I was a poor, low class member of society, and that I could never give her the material possessions that others have offered her throughout the course of her life (one guy actually wanted to buy her a car, what’s up with that? They weren’t even together!). Although the aforementioned statement is untrue (I come from a wealthy family, I have a graduate degree in finance, and I have held senior management positions with multi-billion dollar enterprises in L.A.), I didn’t want her to know about that. All she knew was that I was essentially an unemployed failure who lived in Thailand and refused to work here – granted, I was a bum who didn’t have to work for a few years, so I could not have been too bad off financially, but what could I do to mask that???

Well at this point everyone who is still reading must be saying: “What the hell is this idiot talking about? His relationship sucks! I have had numerous farang ladies who were less of a pain in the ass than his lady. God damn, at least he could throw us a bone and talk about all the crazy, porn star sex they’re having.” Sorry, but there will be no sexual stuff here. I have to admit that there is some validity to the ‘this relationships sucks’ argument. That’s true to this point, but only because I am telling the complete story: the good, the bad, and the catastrophically ugly. I don’t want to blow sunshine up your rear ends and say that it’s easy to make it work with a Thai lady. It isn’t. It is work sometimes, but it is also incredibly rewarding.

I guess that the turning point in our relationship came after the first time we had anal sex, just kidding. It actually came when the two of us bought and read a Thai-Farang relationship book. I think the name is Thailand Fever or something like that, and I can’t find the thing for the life of me. She takes care of the house, so I guess that she stashed it in one of the mattresses or something (Stick, it had your recommendation on the back, so if you could supply the name, I would appreciate it). I hate to give recommendations, because I am as screwed up as anyone, but I believe that anyone interested in being with an Asian lady should read that book. It is written in English for him, and in Thai for her. That book helped my wife and I understand the tremendous differences in the way our cultures view the world (family, relationships, HONESTY, etc.). We went from a couple who looked at each other with disbelief, to two people who have a much better understanding of the other’s mindset. It probably sounds like I’m overstating the importance of this book, but I really believe that if my first wife and I had read it, our relationship might have worked. As for my current and final wife, I don’t think that we would be together today without it.

Another pivotal period in our relationship occurred when, at my request, she gave up a well-paying job that she loved. After a few months of dating, I wanted to get to know her better, so I asked her to resign. She was hesitant, but she did it for me. I know that many people think that Thai women are lazy, but that is certainly not the case with my wife. She loved her job and she went a little stir crazy when she didn’t have to work any longer. As for my reasons for the request, I just couldn’t go on seeing her for an hour or two each day, and then being with her several hours on the whopping three vacation days she was awarded each month. She was so exhausted each day that or dates initially consisted of a brief conversations, some food, and goodbyes. How in the world can Thai couples build a loving relationship when they never see each other? Anyway, she quit and we were able to spend a lot of quality time together. It was amazing.

So what did all those hours together teach me … they taught me how to pay her family’s bills … just joking. I learned that not only was my lady the most beautiful woman in the world to me, she also treated me like a king. She takes care of all the household duties (including hiding books), and she cooks some of the most amazing dishes. I now also eat food from street vendors … never thought I’d do that. Thank Buddha she is not from Isaan, because I might try some of those fried bugs if she was! I was pretty closed-minded when we met, but she has opened my eyes to so many things. For the first time in her life, she now eats western food … and she likes it! Sometimes we will have a debate regarding what to eat; with her wanting farang food and me desiring Thai food. It’s a crazy world. Together, we learned to compromise!

So there we were … all the love … all the compromising … all the happiness. And then BOOOOOOM, the bomb dropped. Why is it that when things are going well, someone has to go and piss in your Cheerios??? To make a long story even longer, my sweetie and I wanted to get married, and now her family got involved. This was well before last week’s column, when I learned that Mr. and Mrs. Stick could have watched my back. For the first time in my Thai experience, there was no doubt that I was a farang. They wanted me to pay for the wedding; they wanted 700,000 baht for sin sot (all of which was to go to the family, not back to me or to my wife); and they wanted 10,000 baht per month. Don’t you love the way love and money go hand-in-hand with Thai families?

And now the decision I will regret for the rest of my life. I agree to pay for a modest wedding. I agree to send 5,000 baht to the mother for the rest of her life (my wife’s father died two weeks after we started dating, and she is the youngest child, so this is enough for her mom to live fairly well in Sa Kaew). Granted, she will not be driving a Benz or anything, but she will have plenty of food and her necessities. She does have two other children who help out also. I have also pitched in, more than my share, both times my mother-in-law has gone to the hospital.

This is where I turn into the bad guy. What about the sin sot you ask … I politely refuse to pay it. I should have paid the stupid fee, I had it, but I just didn’t think it was right. I don’t agree with a policy whereby I am required to pay for my bride. The process of buying people makes me sick! I realize that the Thais view this process differently, but my opinion is that it’s wrong. I explained my ideology to my lady when we first started dating and she agreed to my terms. I gently reminded her of this pertinent fact prior to the dreaded marriage meeting with her family. The family, however, didn’t get the memo.

So what does a Thai family do when they don’t get their money? First, they simply walk away. I said goodbye to my fiancée, and she goes to try to smooth things over with the family. I didn’t know it at the time, but there was a huge argument that followed. The family trying to make my lady obedient, and my lady trying to live her own life. The result: they kidnap her. They throw away her clothes (or sell them, I don’t even know); everything but what she was wearing. They take her to another relative’s apartment. They take her phone. They do not tell me anything. I can’t find her or talk to her for two days. Then, finally, she shows up at my apartment. Both eyes have gashes, and she’s bruised all over … they have beaten her. I take her to the hospital; the doctor says she’ll be ok after a few weeks of healing. Thai love, it never ceases to amaze.

Like I said before, I hate giving advice, but now when anyone asks me, I just say pay the f-ing sin sot!!! You don’t want to be responsible for the kidnapping and torture of the woman you love. I’m not saying that this will happen to anyone else, but please don’t underestimate the cruelty of a Thai family when money/control/saving face is involved. I am a very giving, kind person, but I will always hate myself for the decision I made. I permanently placed a wedge in her very, very important relationship with her family … that one decision will haunt me for the rest of my life.

So, how do I transition from the sin sot nightmare? I don’t know, but I’m starting to wish I didn’t write this submission. Anyway, here we go. What did she and I do? We got married anyway. She went against her families wishes, and made me the luckiest man on earth. I can’t fathom how difficult that must have been for a traditional Thai lady, but she did it. Her strength is astonishing, and it makes me love her more every day.

After a few months, my WIFE healed physically, quite nicely. When I walk with her, I’m actually shy, because of all the attention she gets. I used to get off on it when we first went out; I’d feel like I was ‘the man.’ My feelings in this regard changed dramatically when we got married. I never blame her for all the looks she gets, she has been viewed that way all her life, and I kind of feel sorry for her in a way. As for the guys, how can I blame them? I was once one of those guys who stares at her like she’s on fire … In truth, I still am.

As for the psychological healing, it’s still occurring. This event happened in February of 2005, but she has bounced back very well so far. She has forgiven her brother and her mother, I have not. Apparently her mother cried and said she was sorry. I didn’t see it, but that’s what my wife said. A part of me is glad that they renewed their relationships … I never wanted her to have to choose between her family and I. But another part longs for revenge, but this is Thailand, and I know who will get the short end of that stick.

Sorry, about all that sad stuff. I just had to vent. I haven’t discussed it with anyone, including my family, because I believe that it will make them look at my wife in the wrong light. I guess some farangs have issues with face also.

OK, enough with the depressing crap already!!!!!!!! So what about me? How in the hell did I get so lucky. Although my wife doesn’t run into walls or fall down the stairs, I suspect that she is blind. She has an amazing way of seeing past my faults, allowing me to be me (sometimes controlling, sometimes temperamental, sometimes stubborn), while continuously being supportive and loving. Damn, I’m lucky!

I also have one or two good qualities. I am very romantic. I pull out her chair for her when we eat, I carry her in my arms when the streets are flooded, and I send flowers and stuffed animals to her on special days. I better stop now cuz I’m sounding totally pussy whipped. One other note is that when I told her ‘happy birthday’ last April 13th … I was the first person in her life to do that. I also asked for her real name when we first started dating, not her nickname; and those of her family members. She really appreciated that, and actually looked at me in disbelief when I inquired. {Question: is that a cultural faux pas or something?}

During our time together, my wife has really learned to appreciate the little things. An interesting story occurred when I bought her a real bottle of Chanel No 5 from an upscale store in BKK … she still has the bag, and that was forever and a day ago. That’s just too cute to me, and it makes me smile and appreciate all the little things that please her so very much.

So all is fine and dandy now, or is it? Like all couples we still have a few things we are working on. One such item has been referred to on this site as “intellectual curiosity.” This really drives me crazy sometimes. My wife used to read those freakin’ Thai comic books all the time … you know, the ones you see all the street vendors reading throughout Thailand. How they can waste so much time on those things is amazing to me (they are learning NOTHING). In the last six months or so, she has finally compromised in this regard, and she now reads Thai newspapers instead. When we met, I bet that she couldn’t even name the Thai Prime Minister! But now, when we are sitting in Starbucks reading newspapers in our respective languages, we will frequently talk about Shinawatra, the goings-on in the South, and so forth. Thai ladies can and will transform if you let them know it’s important to you, and if you provide positive reinforcement. Sometimes Thai ladies are like children, you have to take away the things they cherish most; in this case, that would be my attention and approval.

Now the REAL battle begins: I am taking her back to America in early 2006. I can’t sit here at the beach forever. It was fun for a little while, but now I want to get back to real life. I am aware that the true success of a relationship is measured over years and decades, not months … but I believe that we have built a solid foundation for that success. Even though we’ve become best friends, lovers, and spouses, we still have some adjustments to make. We must adjust to not being together 24/7 (something I never thought I could do before, but something I’ve grown to cherish). My wife will also have to adjust to the hectic lifestyle that L.A. provides. She will have to learn how to drive a car in L.A.-style traffic. She will have to learn to work with non-Thai colleagues for the first time. She will have to continue to provide for her family back in Thailand. She will have to continue to be the sweet, loving person that I fell in love with … but in return she will have a husband who loves her very, very much, and she will be treated like the little princess she is!

Let me close by stating that I am sure that I will get some comments regarding the flaws in my dating methodology, and there will likely be others who believe that I am lying, but when you post something on the Internet, I guess you’re subjecting yourself to ridicule. Please be gentle. Thanks for your time gentlemen, and good luck with those Thai ladies.

Stickman's thoughts:

If only I had time…