One Week In Udon Part 1

Well I was on my last few days in China and was supposed to be heading back to Korea to see my girlfriend when the bottom of my life decided to give way with the dear john letter /phone call so that was that, totally pissed off and nothing to do so on
a moment’s notice sitting in Seoul airport came up the flight to Bangkok. Sod it, that was it, I checked on the air miles went to the desk and within half an hour was in the departures.

Five and a half hours later I arrived in Bangkok airport clicked on the phone and started to dial one of my mates. ”Oh come on answer the damn phone, will you.” On the third attempt he answered.

“All right our kid where are you?“

I am standing outside BKK airport. Where are you and how do I get there”

After another twenty to thirty minutes had booked into a hotel and was on my way to Nana Plaza. A tap on my shoulder and it was like we had never parted” how you doing not seen you for 3 months”

Another ten minutes of bullshit passed as we headed off to the nearest bar, lights blazing and music blaring gave him the update on the now ex girlfriend and got the sympathy I had grown to expect ah fuck her plenty more fish in the sea. Sod it I said
to myself he’s right give me another beer which led to another and a few of his friends by now it was getting near to 1am”

I gotta go mate I'm burnt out “don’t you want a girl for the night to blow the cobwebs away. Go on start as you mean to go on. “Yeah but which one should I have at that the girl he was with gave me a piece of paper go for a piss
and jot some numbers down so away I went came back with five numbers and up gets this girl he was with and comes back two minutes later “she is on rag, she is crap in bed that’s a katoey but the other two are fine so pick one”.

I picked one and within a few minutes was on my way back to the hotel. Nice looker but nothing out of this world. Agreed to meet my mate next day. This continued for the next week of which after three days he headed back to the UK. After that I spent
every dinner time in a certain bar not picking up any of the girls, not sure why but there was one always sat at one end of the bar, lovely figure, always wore tight jeans, long hair. You know the type. But something different, always had customer
but never seemed to leave the bar. All I got from her was a smile and grief. This went on for a week until finally on day seven I went into the bar and she was alone. Ok, finally I will get to talk to her I told myself.

Ordered myself a drink and made sure I was next to her table. Sat there like a praying mantis waiting to pounce. Ok I beckoned her over. “Would you like a drink?”
”Yes please”, came the reply and off she went to
get the watered down juice we all get ripped off for. Spent the next thirty minutes talking shite as you always do – what’s your name, where you from, how long you here for, you know the normal ten questions. Then out of the blue and because
I was fed up with Bangkok anyway I turned and said “Do you fancy coming to Pattaya for a week?” That should do the trick I thought.

“No”, came the answer. Well that’s the great romance over with then I thought to myself.

Her next move must have been a master stroke on her part. “I will go to Koh Samui with you if you want.”

”Where“, I asked.

”Koh Samui.”

Where the hell is that, I thought, but gradually she spilled the beans. She had been working bar for 3 weeks and had been there for 3 days with customer. Was a good girl who worked in a beauty salon before and hated working bar. Was born in Udon, twenty
six etc. Did not believe a damn word of it. Why should I? But well, this Koh Samui seemed ok.

Bar fine paid for the day and off we went straight back to the room. She stood there in my room waiting for me to give the ok. Off with the clothes bit and I think that really threw her. Spent about five minutes searching in my bag. She must have been
thinking I have my own condoms but that was not what I was after. Finally I turned around. “Got it”, I said.

“Got what”, came the reply. My return flight details in hand, I picked up my wallet and walked out of the hotel, bargirl trailing behind.

“Where we go“, she asked.

“To book flight to Koh Samui.”

“But I never been on plane. Can’t we go by bus?” The very first travel agent and I'm in the door and two return tickets for Bangkok to Koh Samui are duly booked and paid for. We spent the rest of the day just going around Bangkok
until it dawned on me she had no clothes with her.

”You had better go home and get some clothes. Just come back to the hotel when you have your stuff.” So off she went and I went upstairs. Must have been about one hour, not sure fell asleep when knock at door woke me up. Opened door and
there she stood looking a million dollars with this little bag that most kids take to school. Must be her make up I thought to myself. ”Where is your clothes? Downstairs?”, I asked

“This is it“, came the reply. Dinner came and went. Boy could this girl eat and so back to the hotel and sleep. 6:00 AM and we’re up showered and on the way to the airport. Never seen the shear look of terror before has she got on
the plane. Grip like death and we’re off. Five minutes later I turn to hear snoring in my ear. So much for the fear of flying, probably got more air miles than Branson I mutter to myself.

After one hour the plane drops down and lands in Koh Samui and I can say what an impressive airport, just like the TV adverts. We get our cases and we’re off to a beach hut in one of the many bays.

Next it’s off to rent a motorbike and begin seven days in heaven. Waterfalls, beaches, dancing, eating, a brilliant time and still she asks for nothing. Every time I want something, off she goes into the bartering thing and gets the price down
by about forty to fifty percent. I like this. She’s paying for herself so there must be a catch.

On about day six I go to buy a load of tee shirts for me and my kids. I ask her do you want any and the reply is stunning. Does she want five? Ten? Twenty? Oh no, even more surprising I get the answer of I don’t need any. I have three. One I have
on, one for wash and one for spare and there was no way she wanted any even when I saw her eying one top up. Out came the answer – can get it cheaper in Bangkok. Can this be the real item? Surely not after all I had heard about bar girls?

Well the week came and went and all too soon. It was time to come back to the UK. Well, as per normal, phone numbers were exchanged, email etc. and yes I did give her some money at the airport but only a very small amount compared to what she could have
made in the bar. I don’t think I had touched down in the UK before the phone was ringing. “Hi, it’s me. Do you remember me?“

Well of course I did – it was only twelve hours ago!

“When you come back Thailand. I want know!“ I give back I don’t know why you back at bar ”yes but I don’t like it don’t want be here want be Koh Samui with you.” I bet you do – free food, no customers,
nice holiday – who wouldn’t. These phone calls and emails continue for well over a week. All the time the same theme – I keep waiting for the sick relative buffalo etc but nope not a thing. Then I get hit with a whammy.

”Hello, it’s me. I don’t want work bar.“ Here we go again I think but then I get “so I quit I go back to work salon, only 5000 baht a month so I have no money.”

And I’m waiting. NOTHING. ”What you want me to do about it babe”, I ask.

“Nothing” came the reply. I just tell you “when you come Bangkok”.

I check up on my work dates. “I can come back in three weeks for nineteen days. Is that ok?”

“Yes I meet you at airport. When? What time?“

Christ give me chance I think. One week later and flights are booked.

I arrive on the 12th of January I tell her lying through my teeth so time is arranged for her to meet me and off I go. Unknown to her I was arriving on the 10th. I’m going to check this out I say to myself a bit of the old detective work. So off
I go and by the morning of the 10th I’m in the hotel, hat pulled over the head, long sleeved shirt. <You sound almost perfect – you just need the magnifying glass. I could give you a job – Stick> I stroll past her bar.
No sign of her. I know she works day time and always at that table. Maybe she popped out for something to eat? I go to the bar opposite, order a drink and sit for nearly two hours. Not a thing! Ok, maybe she is telling the truth so I make my way
over to her bar and order a drink. One of the girls who knows me asks what I am doing back. I reply with “Where is she?“ and get the answer I was secretly hoping for.

“She left here three weeks ago and has gone back to work salon”. Back to the hotel. I phone and give a real pathetic excuse that I had been phoned by the airline and asked if I would like an earlier flight. She swallows it and within half
an hour is in the hotel. Hello babe, where you been I ask.

Working in salon. I’m still suspicious but off we trot to the salon to meet her work friends. Ok, then where you want to go I ask.

“Up to you.” Ok, Pattaya I say and off we trot. Another brilliant week is had by myself and yet again nothing is asked for. Three days into this bliss my lady informs me that her father in Udon is very ill and could die at any time but not
to worry as he has been sick for a long time and she wants to be with me.

Let’s go to Koh Samui again I ask her and her little face lights up. ”Yes please.” I head off to the travel agents and get stopped before I get there. “No plane“, she says.

“What, no plane? I don’t do the bus.” I argue for about two hours, go into a sulk and then give in. She has this idea. I can see the countryside. Oh well, if it makes her happy.

So we head off to Bangkok and then we stay the night. My room ok I think and we head into the back and beyond. I am told on the way no man has ever been to her room but I let it ride. Padlock off like a prison cell, 10 x 10, but she keeps it tidy. No
bed but I did not expect one. I just wonder how can she live in BKK in a cell without a bed.

Next morning we try for the train but its booked solid so it’s off to the VIP bus where an argument proceeds and after a while I get the answer that she is not supposed to travel with farang because she is Thai. <Bollocks – Stick>
Nearly blow a gasket at that one and proceed to ask all the other farang on the coach if they have a problem with this and guess what, no one did. So we get the tickets and set off at 7:30ish at night.

All is going well then I hear her phone ring. Nothing unusual about that but it was followed by a very tight grip on my arm and the unmistakable sound of a young lady who had just had terrible news. I did not need to ask her. Father had just died. Poor
girl. I’m not the best at this but I told her she must go home to the funeral. Will you come with me she asks. What me I reply? I don’t know them. I don’t really know you yet but God, I hate funerals.

Ten minutes later the bus stops. Bags are dumped and I am on my way to UDON. Never heard of the place but know it involves me being on a bus again for twenty four hours.

Stickman's thoughts:

When are we going to hear about Udon?!