This week I find myself at a crossroads in my life, do I stay and make a go of things with my partner in Farangland or do I have a go of life in Bangkok with a girl I only met in January?
It’s a decision that carries a lot of background and a lot of consequences regardless of which direction I choose, so we’ll go back to January of this year and start.
I’m in my early 30’s and since I was about 17 I’ve had a thing for Oriental looking women, which where I live are virtually non existent, so the fantasy of being with one has grown over the years until January brought me the opportunity of going to Thailand with a friend who had been several times before in 2004. The chance came about as me and my partner were having difficulties and at the point where it was the last roll of the dice to save our relationship. How the hell was going to Thailand going to help I hear you cry?
Well when we first got together we lived a few hundred miles apart and met through friends, during this period I had suspicions she had cheated on me, now I really was in love with this woman and tried to put it down to paranoia. After 6 months she moved to my town and things were up & down with her constantly denying all but she finally broke after 3 years and admitted she had slept with someone else. I was devastated. I tried to come to terms with it over about 2 years, which I couldn’t, there was too much hurt from both the cheating & 3 years of lies. This brings us to going to Thailand for a week. She suggested I go and fulfil a fantasy that she couldn’t possibly and when I got back all was to be forgotten and we could move on with our lives. Crazy idea I know but by this time I was still hurt & angry and thought I’d nothing to lose by trying it.
I arrive in Bangkok not knowing what to think, a bit confused by my own situation as being with someone else wasn’t right to me when I had a fiancé (of sorts) at home. First night I took a BG and done nothing, second night I went to NP got hammered went home alone, don’t get me wrong I was having a ball, my mate had a regular girl he went with and we met some other friends by accident. Good times were being had by all. Night 3 the guys decide I really need a woman that night. It’s 2.30 AM and I think sure and order another beer thinking it’s too late. I’m called to go down the street and look at a pair that had been found, so I have a look at the talkative one and then to her friend, talking is done to which I’m paying no attention and I ask the friend, S, would she like to go with me. Deal done and away we go back to the hotel for another drink.
The following day comes and S was still around, so we hang out and I think OK I’ve got my head round this, I’m here for 5 more days and I could have a few more of these honeys but that never happened. S and me spent all my time together doing the usual stuff because my mate is a lazy sod who gets up no earlier than 3 PM.
I felt at ease with S though I was always on my guard as I’d been a Stick reader for some time before. A lot of things didn’t add up with S from what I’d read, money for one. Now the agreed fee was a 1000 baht for the first night.
When morning came I offered S the money and she said not now, which carried on everyday, being asked to buy for her never happened either. She did need shoes as I like walking around so I asked her to go and buy a new pair, now at home I’d
pay 7000 baht for tennis shoes, so I give her the same and tell her to go and buy a pair. She comes out the store with a big smile on her face, new shoes on and hands me the change. 6700 baht. “I get good shoe, cheap cheap, I not want you
spend too much”. And this has been the case with S ever since.
Time passed and time for home came too quick, we exchanged email & mobile numbers, I gave her 13,000 baht and we said our goodbyes. I did tell S that I would one day see her again but I didn’t know when, though I did fail to mention my fiancé to her; I was single as far as she was concerned. I have a long hard think on the plane about Bangkok and what’s ahead for me at home. I had absolutely no thought of S calling, though I did expect some email of the begging sorts. Things are a little tense at home as the fiancé suspects something is not quite right so I head for a bath to get my act together when I hear the SMS bleep on my mobile, which I don’t think anything of, then again, then ringing. Bathroom door swings open and “Who the f**k is she and why is she calling you honey?” SHIT!! She’s calling me? I’m only home an hour. This wasn’t what I expected. I come clean and I’m given a week to decide, fiancé or S. Week comes and goes, lots of arguing but other than that everything was the same, I finally say I need to go back to Bangkok. Over this time I’d spoken to S once but she sent at least 20 SMS a day to which I replied.
Three weeks later I’m back in Thailand, I knew it was S's birthday and thought what the hell I’ll surprise her by going. She actually didn’t realise I’d remembered as it was only mentioned in a group conversation with no real time spent on it. Had myself a great week but getting myself in too deep. I did buy her a gold bracelet for her birthday and a gold necklace for Valentine’s Day neither of which she asked for but I’d have done the same at home except it would have been asked for and would have been far more expensive. Lots of talking and shared thoughts on this trip but I’m not sure how much of this is true or story at this point though she does suggest us being together in a more permanent way.
Back to Farangland with my head broken now, I’d left her money to see her through the month which wasn’t a lot, 20,000 baht, as she said she didn’t want it as before in our SMS conversations she said she went back to working her old job in the market which she did make a point of taking me to see, so as to reinforce her story. It did seem right enough as her sister and mother were there but then there are always the doubts, usual story, farang goes home and it’s straight back to work that day. I’m not stupid or gullible but again too many things didn’t fall into the typical guy meets BG stories. At this point I even considered hiring Stick to have a look into it for me but never followed up on that idea. At home the SMS and phone calls continue, though once or twice I wasn’t certain of her honesty and I instantly pointed this out and any discrepancies were sorted quickly. Of course I got the typical woman statements and huffing of “do you not believe what I’m saying” type to which I would answer “No”, though all of these were talked through and I really put most of them down to different ways of doing and saying things, the others were paranoia from both sides. At home it has been accepted that I have a girlfriend in Thailand though the fiancé is still continuing life as it was before.
Trip 3 for the year came in March, another week, more intense, more serious from both of us I suppose; she wants me to meet her parents this trip. Easy enough as they live in BKK and S in between trip 2 and 3 had moved back there (she said she done this to stop me worrying). We ended up going twice to visit her folks, she told me lots of people would stop by and they did, not family just neighbours and friends, though this only happened on the first occasion and hasn’t happened since which according to S is because they never got anything first time round. We did talk at length about taking care of people and who that involved, according to S it was Mum, Dad and to a far lesser extent younger sister as she had to learn to support herself by working and that was it. No other family I enquired? “No! Only Mama & Papa.”
On this trip we’re joined by my mate whom I came with in the first place and have ourselves a good time together on a few evening s out. This time S talks a whole lot more about things I didn’t expect, e.g. the way my mate’s girl spoke about him in Thai and what she thought of him even though they were planning some kind of future together. Strange topics about the ways of people, what they thought and said, all done in private and asking me not to say anything and most definitely not to let on around people but just to watch and listen and take in what she said and ask her later. It was kind of like being invited into a private and secret world that I wasn’t suppose to be in.
Back to Farangland again to nothing different, I just worked and got on with daily routine. Talk of me and the now ex selling the house and going our separate ways happens though she isn’t keen and still want to try some kind a reconciliation which by now I’m not up for, as one is having his cake and eating it, what needs to change? SMS and calls to S continued everyday and 5 weeks or so later trip number 4 takes place during which I decided I needed somewhere in BKK to stay because I hate hotels for one and according to S it would be cheaper. Had another great 10 days and sorted out a condo for the two of us and home I went, sent some money to her so she can furnish it etc.
Then 3 weeks back the ex is acting strange and after a few days of watching I notice she’s very protective of her mobile, after challenging her it turns out, according to her, she’d been SMSing some guy which she’d promised to tell if she met someone which she didn’t, as you realise honesty isn’t my ex’s strong point. Who knows why but I felt sick at this, I felt jealous. She takes a few days off work and we talk things through, she said the guy was someone she’d met at work and they’d swapped numbers and were only SMSing each other since the previous week, he made her feel good about herself because he’d paid her some attention. I knew everything according to her. She said she still wanted me but I’d answered some question with a wrong answer the previous month and she’d made her mind up with a little encouragement of her work mates to have some fun. But she still wanted us to be together no matter what I’d done all year because she couldn’t love anyone like she does me. She sms’s the guy and said she can’t do it anymore as it isn’t right as she wants to try again with me. According to her it was over. She asked me to think things over for a few days and not sms or call S to see if there was any chance of getting back together, to which I agreed.
Back to work for her and me. I need to use her PC as mine was busy, so out of bad habit I popped the email open and spot a web based email address in a variant of her name, not needed as I’m a website owner and have the capacity for 100,000 email address on 1 server alone so why would she need a web based address unless it was for something other than no good. Addy hacked and in I go for a look, only 4 emails but two of them are for a personals site. Hacked that and in I go to find that the whole thing had started 2 weeks before she said via personal messages left at the dating site. I called her straight away and ask her do I know everything, twice I ask and twice she says yes, then I tell what I’d just found. She says she hasn’t met the guy at all and she was ashamed of the dating site thing. I then tell her I’d found that she sent him another email that night after the sms then another the following day saying to keep in touch then checked it the next day to see if she’d got a reply. She said she regretted sending the 2nd one but said she’d only checked it the 3rd day out of curiosity. I do still love my ex and care for her dearly though I often ask myself why? I just don’t know if I can go through life with her not knowing where her loyalty and honesty are.
S on the other hand bends over backwards for me as I have for her, we have both made commitments and sacrificed certain things in life for the other. She has as far as I’m aware been honest with me, willing to wait, willing to understand that we’re not the same and we don’t always think the same way or do things as the other would but all along she’s been willing to give and change certain things, again, as have I. The sticking point, how we met and what would become of a life together? Is she honest? Am I an ATM? Or any of the other drawbacks this type of relationship can hold or bring?
And so the time has come in my life where a decision has to be made. Soon! Do I believe my ex and make a go of life with her or do I use the plane ticket for next week that I bought in a sale a few weeks back and visit S for 10 days as planned before coming home to sell up and live mainly in Thailand with S and see how it goes? It wouldn’t be full time in Thailand as I have commitments of my son (previous relationship) and work still in my homeland and would need to return home every six weeks or so for a week at a time which funnily enough the ex asked would I be going to visit her plus she asked me to keep in touch if I did move away!!!!
Decision time has come. I’ve missed whole chunks of the story out but you all get the idea …..any suggestions?
My unsolicited advice. Your "-ex" needs to be cut off. You can forgive and forget once, but that time has now passed and you will be forever wondering about her honesty and her commitment to you.
S sounds like a better prospect but there is one big problem. Thai women need someone to be with them. Long distance relationships just don't work well with Thai women. They need to feel looked after and protected and if you have commitments in Farangland, it means that there will be long periods when you're not with her.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck.