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49 Lessons About The Los Nightlife



Thank you very much, Stickman readers, for all the positive feedback on my first article, “Q & A for Newbies: A Beginner's Guide.” In fairness, I also received two angry emails, from guys who thought I was too positive about the TG scene. They’ll be happy to know I agree with them too, my first experience was a lot more trouble free, and my dream girl from the first time turned out to be a disaster on my second visit. However, I stuck to one of my main rules, enjoy the girls but be alert always, or, as a US president once said, “trust but verify.” (Please read my first article when you’re done for good balance.)

On other point before we begin. Recently, Soi Dog said he was growing tired of “Guides for Newbies” because they left no room for discovery. Having written one such guide (a tasteful one, I thought), I feel I should respond. First, I think he’s absolutely right, it’s easy to get carried away with planning. Second, I think he’s dead on when he says guidebooks are taking the spontaneity out of travel by mapping every last secluded beach in the world. However, and I say this from the bottom of my heart from one Stickman brother to another: if you’re spending $500US on phone calls, plus sending her all kinds of money for the dentist and otherwise, and you’re still expecting her to stay monogamous to you, and then you’re actually surprised she’s sleeping with half the EU while you’re not there, and she’s also playing “show and tell” behind a curtain with some good looking Thai guy while you’re asleep… well, maybe now would be a good time to go back and re-read some of those guides for newbies.

Good for you though mate, seriously. With the stuff you let her get away with, she really must be the most beautiful girl you’ve ever met.

My story begins the night before USA’s Thanksgiving Day, changing planes at Los Angeles Airport (LAX). Watched all the families racing off for their holidays from all over the country, all those fat idiots so damn happy because Bush won. (Before you write me, I hated Kerry just as much.) I actually envied them for two seconds. I’m only 32, and wondered if I should be looking for a long time woman, and by that I mean a wife, not the 2000 baht long time. It was my first Thanksgiving since both my folks had passed away, and I did NOT want to be around for the USA’s family holiday. Anyway, my remorse lasted about 2 seconds, when my soon-to-be ex-wife called (the one who left me before my first LOS trip). Blah blah blah, she left me, but now she wants to get back together. I just smiled and listened and thought of all the British guys on Stickman’s site that had been mistreated by their ex-wives. This one’s for you Ian, Nigel, and ESPECIALLY Broken Man/Phet. Between my raise and the $500US/month I was saving by not being married – there were going to be some happy TGs on this trip.

Landed at BKK on time at 12:10. Could I make it to Nana Plaza before the gogos closed at 2 am? Made it through customs and baggage in record time, and was able to hail a “legit” taxi by 12:30. Took the skyway and paid the 70 baht in tolls. Checked into Nana Hotel by 1:10! Tipped the bellboy 20 baht, and he was my best friend. [Lesson 1: A little tip goes a long way.] He wanted to know if I “needed anything,” I told him I’d let him know in an hour.

Went across the street to Nana Plaza. Couldn’t find it! Beautiful freelancers were all over the street and especially the parking lot of Nana Hotel. Why were they not working in gogo bars? I wanted to ask where Nana Plaza was, but I may as well have hung a sign around my neck reading “rip off the newbie falang.” Went back inside and saw my bellboy. “Where’s Nana Plaza?” “Right across street, but it’s closed now, sir.” DAMN! [Lesson 2: Nana, as well as most gogo bars, seem to close at 1 am, though other bars and discos seem to close at 2.] My bellboy suggested I get a drink at Angels Disco inside the hotel, and I remembered what this site said about finding TGs there that hadn’t been picked up that night. [Call that Lesson 3.] Question was, would any girl not already picked up on a Saturday night be any good?

1:20 am. Angels Disco isn’t a full disco; it’s just a big bar with a decent sized dance floor. It’s quite a scene; you should see it once, even if you don’t pick up a girl. There was barely enough room to walk, the TG to guy ratio was about 3:2. Saturday night, there were plenty of beautiful girls, something for everyone. Two hotties about 10 metres away were dancing with each other, very hot, but with their frowny faces, they looked like the kind of girls back in the states that tried to impress by showing what bad girls they were. They smoked a lot, striking a pose while they did, and while I guessed that was just part of their job, I wondered if you could tell a “bad girl” just from the fact that she smoked. Sometimes, however, a bad girl is a GOOD THING.

About 1:40, I got another idea. I remembered from this site that it was a sight to see just to sit in one of the sofas outside Angels Disco and watch the parade of gorgeous TGs walking out, and [Lesson 4] this was a great way to pick out a girl for the night. At 2 am, I watched the parade from start to finish; TGs of all shapes and sizes, tank tops, baby doll t-shirts, those wonderful hip-hugging counterfeit jeans. Wonderful girls, just not my girl. At 2:15, I had one more idea, to make a loop of the parking lot again, then call it a night. I walked out the automatic doors, AND THERE WAS MY GIRL. Beautiful. She was like some supermodel goddess, shrunk down to 1.5 metres (5 Feet), TG proportions. She had reddish, brownish hair, perfectly groomed like Claudia Schiffer. [Lesson 5: Be persistent!]

I moved quickly, she saw me and asked “I go with you?” in a very hopeful, very adorable baby doll voice. [Lesson 6: A TG that speaks in a hopeful voice is usually grateful when you pick her, and WILL FOLLOW UP ON THAT GRATITUDE.] I was so crazed for her, I forget to ask about money, until she asked “2500 long time?” “Yes!” I said. [Lesson 7: 2500 seems to be the rate for BKK long time, versus 2000 in Pattaya.] [Lesson 8: It’s up to you, but I never bargain. If it takes a little more money for her to be in a good mood, you usually get what you pay for. If she’s asking too much, you can always move on!]

Just one problem now, I didn’t have any money! Ran to 7-Eleven ATM in record time, scooped my girl up and carried her upstairs like it’s our wedding night, her giggling and kicking all the way. I was so horned out, I didn’t realize until days later I left my ATM card in the machine. [Lesson 9: A little detailed, but important. Get PIN numbers for your credit cards as backup. This should only be backup, as they’ll charge you more to get your cash, and you get a little ripped off on the exchange rate. But, you can still get ripped off with your bank card’s rates and fees anyway. Traveler’s checks seemed to have been best: exchange booths give you as much as 1 baht more per USD versus cash. You shouldn’t have to pay too many additional fees, for example, American Express doesn’t charge any fee, as long as you purchase the checks with your American Express card. You can save as much as 3-4% on your trip, plus some hotels charge extra if you use a credit card.]

“Tiny Model” and I took the world’s quickest shower together. I was cracking my usual TG jokes, and she giggled the whole time. [Lesson 10: Remember your jokes that work, it’s always good to break the ice.] My word, such a tiny girl, but so much energy. That soft skin, those beautiful tiny curves. “Remember this girl Peter,” I said to myself “if you ever EVER think of going back to your wife or marrying another crazy falang woman.” So eager to please and so happy. She seemed happy anyway, if she was acting she was doing a Hell of a job. Was she acting? Did that ruin it for me? [Lesson 11: DON’T THINK SO MUCH IF EVERYTHING’S GOING WELL. When she starts asking you to build a house, then you can worry.]

After 30 minutes, she smiles (again!) and asks “you like smoking?!” This blows my theory about only the “bad girls” smoking. Funny, she didn’t smell like smoke, didn’t have it on her breath. “No,” I say, “do you like smoking?” She kicks and giggles under the sheets, finding this hilarious but leaving me confused. “No smoking for girl!” she laughs. I’m still confused, until, finally, she kisses her way down my chest to my waist. “You like smoking?” she smiles. [Lesson 12: Smoking means oral sex.] Fifteen minutes later, I can’t stop praising her, the words are gushing out my mouth. I’m kissing her feet, which might be a major Thai faux pas. You’d think I’d never had sex before, and that’s how it felt after 3 years of marriage. Tiny Model just giggles and pats me on the head, saying “you nice man.” “Kin khao?” I ask, to which her face lights up. She orders dinner, but my bellboy buddy wants me to pay cash. For 150 baht I’m not going to argue, but I smell a scam, and I have the feeling it’s going to turn up on my bill at check out, in addition to paying him cash. [Lesson 13: It didn’t turn up on my bill, the likely scam is that he and the chef pocket the cash, and Nana Hotel never hears about it.]

I “set the table” on the bed for Tiny Model, and she loves this, so I go all out, putting a flower and vase. She jokes “You good man for me, make me happy!” Here I develop my new theory. I don’t have to support a TG when I go back to USA to make her mine – I just have to make her like me more than any falang she’ll ever meet. That’s how I’ll win her heart. (Before anyone writes to me with smart Alec remarks, which would be justified of course, I’ll say at this point that I realized this was a flawed theory. However, it’s much better than sending 10,000 baht/month to make her “your girl.” Either way, I’m probably just living with an illusion that I’m her favorite, the difference is that my way is cheaper.) Tiny Model collapsed in my arms with a smile on her face, her energy spent.

We were awoken by the phone – it was the cleaning lady wanting to get into the room. Why so early? I thought. It was 4 PM! TM and I got our acts together, and I made sure she wrote her cell number on a Nana Hotel envelope. Turned out, she worked in Nana Plaza, worked at “Hollywood 3: On top top top!” whatever that meant. I had her write her “badge number” and name, though her name she wrote in Thai. [Lesson 14: If you want to see a TG again, have her write down this vital information. As Mr. Pothole Research points out in Delightful Thai Efficiency, it’s often impossible to find her even WITH this info.]

4:30 PM. Time to let the cleaning lady clean up. Need to get out of the room. Good excuse to finally check out Eden Club! (Those of you who know it well can skip the next 2 paragraphs.) EC is about a 10 minute walk from Nana Hotel/Plaza on Sukhumvit Soi 7/1. If you didn’t know, you’d walk right past it, thinking it’s just another bar. The lack of windows make it stand out even less, which, duh Peter, is the idea. Walk in, and it still looks like a regular bar. Lady bartender smiles, hands me a small menu: drinks on left side, lady services on the other. Lady services, what they can say anyway, include “1750 per lady (you take two),” “uniforms on request,” “special fantasies accommodated.” I order a glass of courage and ask whom can I see about the right side of the menu. Mamasan smiles, explains that two girls are on the “left side of the line” and the other two are on the “right.” Later I found out that, while EC girls are trained and willing to do almost anything to you or each other, the girls on the left do that one holiest of holies that dare not speak its name.

“Only 4 girls now, early in day,” Mamasan says, “if you want come back later…” “Oh no,” I cut her off, “these girls are VERY nice.” The two girls on the right side love this, blushing and giggling. [Lesson 15: TGs are almost always, without fail, SHAMELESSLY susceptible to flattery.] EC has a no pressure atmosphere, Mamasan was willing to let me come back later or not at all. One of my girls was cute but not the cutest (“Chatty Girl”), the other was hot but not the hottest (“Quiet Girl”). Both were terrifically friendly, and led me by the hand out the back, and into the short time hotel next door. [Lesson 16: If you ever need a good short time hotel, this is a damn good one. It’s clean, cheap, there was a shower and bathroom. It’s discreet with no windows. There’s even cable!]

Chatty Girl showered me, and I knew I was in for something different, when she made sure a certain orifice in my body got VERY clean. They smiled, propped up my head on the bed, and disappeared into the bathroom with the tiny suitcases they’d brought. A minute later, there they were in their schoolgirl uniforms. (Some of the other choices were “nurse” and I think “air hostess.”) These girls are trained VERY well. Quiet girl provided some very expert oral stimulation. She knew how to work that very sensitive area on a man’s best friend with her tongue. After about 5 minutes of near blindness, Chatty Girl asks the magic question: “OK finger?” I nodded slowly, as if to say “you’re the expert.” (Now I know why she cleaned me so thoroughly.) There are climaxes and there are CLIMAXES, and then there’s sex in which those little happy twitches feel so good, you’re afraid where they may lead, like those twitches are going to rupture a tiny muscle and you’re going to do irreversible damage to a very important part of your body. This went on for many minutes, with me screaming and flailing my arms about. It was probably in everyone’s best interest that Chatty Girl pulled her hands away from that area, and instead held my arms down. She smiled and said “no Thai boxing, OK?” [I have no idea what the lesson of this story is. I thought it might be “make sure you know what you’re getting into,” but I guess the unexpected part was what turned me on.]

“What next? What next?” Chatty Girl asked. “Whoa, you’ve got to give me at least 10 minutes. This my first time with Thai Girl,” I lied. I let them relax, and Quiet Girl was thrilled to nap at my shoulder, but Chatty Girl would have none of it. “No, no, what next, I not do my job.” When I told her I wasn’t ready, she trimmed and filed all my nails, which was almost as hot! “You ready for boom now?” she smiled. “Still need more time, too much sex from yesterday,” I said. “You say this first time with THAI GIRL!” she laughed. DAMN! She caught me! [Lesson 17: Always assume your TG is smarter than you.] I had to come up with another lie. “Yes, but on the plane…”

Chatty Girl beamed a huge smile at me, and asked my favorite question I have ever been asked or ever will… “You f**k air hostess?!”

“Smoking,” I said, trying out my new expression. Quiet Girl arose from her daze, looked at me curiously, and asked the SECOND favorite question I’ll ever be asked… “What airline?” I told them my airline, the only true part of the story. “Good service,” they agreed.

“OK, what next, what next!” Chatty Girl insisted. “Up to you,” I smiled, using that favorite TG phrase, and still trying out my new theory that I was going to be their all time favorite falang. “No, not up to me,” she answered. “I promise, up to you,” I said. “Up to me?” she laughed, then pulled from her suitcase a very large fake male organ, waved it over her head and laughed like a maniac. “Up to me, OK, turn over!” “I take it back! I take it back!” I pleaded, waving my arms around and laughing hysterically. Like I said, she was too smart for me. [Lesson 18: DON’T SAY “UP TO YOU” UNLESS YOU MEAN IT.] I chatted some more with Chatty Girl. She said she’d gone to university for marketing but hated the competition once she got a marketing job. In the USA, a stripper or sex girl that tells you she’s a college student is usually lying, but between what she knew about marketing and her sharp wit, I could believe it. I didn’t know whether to feel sad about her not making a go of marketing. It seemed like she had a terrible job now, but that’s from my judgmental, Western point of view. I felt like a male chauvinist thinking she couldn’t handle it, when she clearly could.

“You nice guy Pee-TUH,” she said, and Quiet Girl nodded in agreement as I massaged her back. “Most guys go crazy for all 90 minutes,” she said, and Quiet Girl spun around like the Tasmanian Devil from the cartoons to imitate a sex-crazed falang. “You be careful, OK?” I realized at that moment that Chatty Girl probably was smarter than me, she’d seen and learned more at 23 than I at 32. If she were born in the USA, she’d be one of those brilliant Asian California girls, would have already graduated college, and have her own Internet business or be on her way to her Ph.D. I had one of those “culture shock” moments. In the West, any girl in “the trade” would be a “bad girl,” and any girl who’d double up on a customer with another girl would be considered beyond all hope. There’s girls were affectionate, caring and even smart, and I don’t mean “smart” in the Western hooker way, meaning smart enough to scam you out of an extra $100. It’s hard to fathom in my Western mind, how could two girls be so nice, and yet be so… That’s thing about the Thai nightlife, you’ll see something that you can’t really fathom pretty much on the hour. “Be careful Nice Guy Peter,” Chatty Girl said as I left. “They get you when you’re drunk.” [Lesson 19 is courtesy of Chatty Girl: “They get you when you’re drunk.”]

Nana Plaza (a.k.a. Nana Entertainment Complex or NEC)

Finally got to NEC around 8 PM, brought Tiny Model’s name, badge number and bar (“Hollywood 3” she’d said.) How hard could it be to find her? It took two hours actually. There’s a “Hollywood Rock” on the ground floor, which I think is also “Hollywood 1.” There’s a “Hollywood Strip” on Floor 3, which may also be “Hollywood 2.” They sent me back and forth a few times, and it didn’t help that when I asked the hostesses outside every bar, they predictably joked “Hollywood 3 no good, you come here!” and dragged me inside. Serves me right for asking. This two hour goose chase did give me a chance to sample many of the Nana gogo Bars. [Lesson 20: Let yourself get dragged behind the curtain every once in a while.]

One such bar is “Carnival” which is huge inside, easily the biggest of the 20 I’ve been in. A cute, Skinny Hostess dragged me inside, the other girls laughing and clapping all the while. I thought up face-saver lie “I have to meet friends” but she countered with “one drink OK honey?” and who can say no to that? She had this really, cute fumbling charm, and by her limited English, I figured she wasn’t at this very long. When I didn’t understand one of her sentences, she pushed a card in front of me that said “stay on mechanical bull for 60 seconds and win a free drink.” I laughed and pleaded “no,” but somehow Skinny Hostess dragged me to the bull, flung off my shoes, and cheered me on enough for me to stay on 38 seconds. After a few more minutes, one of the typical bar girl questions took me in a direction I was not prepared to go. “How old you?” I asked. “Twenny two.” She said. And suddenly I looked at her as if for the first time. Now I know no gogo Bar in Thailand would hire a underaged girl unless they wanted to spend the next 35 years in prison playing Katoey, but she looked a hell of a lot younger than 22.

I’ve gotten a lot of looks from TGs. [Lesson 21: A silent look from a TG can say 1000 words.] The sister of one of my TGs in Pattaya will jump into my lap and give me the slow and sideways look that says “if you take me home instead of my sister, I will bang you until I break your headboard in half, do we understand each other?” Skinny Hostess held up her ID card, nodded slowly, and stared into my eyes – the look that said “yes, I realize how young I look, but I’m really 22, so if you’re man enough big boy, you’ll get the best of both worlds.” I’m not man enough. I would not let my mind go in this direction. I told her I’d think about it, but I had to meet my friends, and I’d try to bring them back here if I could. [Lesson 22: Have some lies ready for embarrassing situations. I’d made a pretty unconvincing speech, but she wasn’t going to call me on it because – Lesson 23 – Thai “face saving” works in your favor too sometimes. If you can’t lie, you’re a better man than I.] I let skinny hostess keep the 250 baht tip, but instead of a smile or a wai, she dumped the tip in the tip box to, presumably, share it with the other hostesses. She then looked at me and nodded, another look that spoke its own words. The look said “it’s not the 250 tip I’m after, it’s the 2500 long time.” I got a very touchy-feely goodbye hug that hinted at either what I’d be getting or what I’d be missing.

Swung by “Hollywood 2” again, where the TGs outside giggled because I’d been four times looking for “Hollywood 3.” The Helpful Hostess outside pointed me in the direction of what I think was “Carousel,” the theory being that maybe she called it “Hollywood 3” because it was the same owner. Sure enough, there’s two spinning Carousels in this bar filled with beautiful TGs. It’s so decadent that it’s like something out of Roman times, you don’t even have to move your neck. By the first spin, I fell for two cuties. “Surfer Girl” (I’ll call her) had the mellow, smiling, sexy personality of a California surfer, and “Sweet Girl” had a sweet face and a soft, babydoll voice to match. I officially ended my search for Tiny Model and called the two over immediately. Which one, me or her? they gestured. “BOTH!” I pointed. They giggled that wonderful TG laugh and started to come over. And OF COURSE, the minute I’d given up my search for Tiny Model, she walked right by! I said hello and she hugged me like I was her solder boy come back from war. She gestured to stay put, because she had to go onstage. Surfer Girl didn’t notice, but Sweet Girl already has a sad look on her face, wondering why I’d just broken the falang world record for cheating on a TG.

Surfer Girl and Sweet Girl were terrific. They fell over each other getting me drinks and refilling them – maybe Tiny Model got them jealous, it’s very common. I was working my TG ice breaker jokes [see Lesson 10] and they giggled and smiled, all happy. I told them they were beautiful, and they blushed. “You so nice, not talk boom boom boom all the time,” Surfer Girl said. “Yes, we like you Pee-TUH.” I started wondering at that point if I was really as charming and nice as they said. Then I started wondering something else… Did it really matter? If the girls told you how great you were and pleased you in bed– assuming they never ripped you off – wasn’t that enough? Now, you may say, they wouldn’t be there talking to you if you didn’t have the money. Well, guess what? I DO have the money. I work my ass off in the USA. You think Tom Cruise sits in his limo thinking “these four models wouldn’t be on my arm if I wasn’t a great-looking rich movie star”? And maybe they actually DID like me for being generous with the baht and not drooling all over them. From what I’d read about Thai men and “bad man” falang visitors, I might be the nicest guy they’d met in their 21 years on earth. Wasn’t that enough? Why was I so insecure?

Sweet Girl broke me out of my fog. “Maybe you take two lady tonight?” she asked hopefully. [See Lesson 6 about “hopefully.”] “The thing is, I promised that girl I’d take her out, and I don’t want her to think I’m a butterfly,” I said, pointing to Tiny Model on stage. “Oh,” Sweet Girl nodded, and hung her head just enough to let me know she was disappointed, but smiled enough to show me she was pretending to be happy to save face. “So, I guess I take three lady tonight,” I said. They laughed, thinking this to be another face-saving joke, but I smiled at them, dead serious. There was plenty of time to go to bed alone back in the states. They jumped up excited, hugged and kissed me, then chatted to their two friends at the next table before going to change clothes. The friends at the other table asked “you take THREE lady tonight?” I smiled and nodded like the lucky bastard I was. “Maybe… you take FIVE lady tonight?” she laughed. “You will kill me!” I joked. The whole bar seemed to be laughing at this.

“Anywhere you want for dinner and dancing!,” I promised them. As I mentioned, I was still on my mission to be their favorite falang. (The missions, the plans, the lessons, the lies. The things we do in Thailand, we’re like the KGB unto ourselves.) Anyplace they want for dinner, and they choose the Nana Hotel Coffee Shop. Go figure. [Lesson 24: They have great food and it’s pretty cheap. Don’t knock it.] When I had them convinced I was serious about the dancing, their faces lit up. Sweet Girl chatted away on her cell phone excitedly, then pointed her Motorola at me and snapped a picture. “I send to sister! She want see what you look like,” she said. Perfect, I thought to myself, the legend of the nicest falang is already spreading.

Rode to Hollywood Disco by Taxi (not to be confused with the Hollywood gogo Bars in Nana Plaza). Hollywood Disco is the same chain as the one in Pattaya, the live shows are wonderful, I can’t get over how beautiful the singers and dancers are. I spread a few 1000 baht around on drinks, feeling like a movie star. My girls danced with each other, and I let them have fun, because they’d always come back to me, with sexy dance moves and roaming hands. About 30 minutes before closing, Sweet Girl had me cornered – she gave me her shy smile and slipped a soft hand into my jeans. (So much for TGs being embarrassed by public displays of affection. I guess public displays of hot sex are OK.) She pulled me closer, I thought it was to kiss her, but instead she pushed my head gently over her shoulder. Surfer Girl was waiting there to kiss me while Sweet Girl kept the hand where it was. Like I said [see Lesson 21] a look from a TG can say 1000 words. Through my Vodka-induced haze, I could still read that this look said “you’re seeing things right, big boy. All you had to do is treat us well, and now you’ve hit the jackpot. This is the night of your life.”

I sent Tiny Model home (she wouldn’t take the full amount) and, yes, I had the night of my life. My plan paid off. When I got out of the shower at Nana Hotel, I had two beautiful Isaan cuties waiting in my bed wearing only smiles. I cuddled and kissed them all over, told them how beautiful they were a million times like it was our wedding night. It was like Eden Club earlier – my mind told me they were “bad girls.” In the West they’d be dirty prostitutes doubling up on a guy just for money. But when I looked up, all I saw were smiling sweet faces that were eager to please me.

The only thing wrong was, well, I couldn’t get myself as firm as I’d like. [Lesson 25: Bring Viagra, no matter what your age.] The girls woke up about 10, rubbed the sleep out of their eyes, and went on their way. I got their numbers and promised to call them when I came to BKK in a few days. But first, I was going to Pattaya, to meet my girls from the first trip.

That was my first day. More to come…

Day 2. Got a shuttle bus from Nana Hotel. 250 baht, but it took three hours and they changed buses twice. [Lesson 26: When you take a trip, ask EXACTLY how you’re getting there.] Checked in, dumped off my luggage, and went to see my girl at Sabaidee Massage across from Big C & KFC. Supposed to open at 1 PM, but that’s Thai time, so by 1:20 the fishbowl was still empty. Thought I’d hit “Sabailand” a few doors down. I tried it once before, and thought it just OK. In general, I wouldn’t go back. It was early in the day, and she just wasn’t as into it as the girls in Sabaidee. Kept stopping to eat an orange or something, but still managed to pay attention to my wallet, and pointed to a 500 baht note when I opened it up for a tip. [Lesson 27: “Sabaidee” is better than Sabailand: girls much more into it, rooms bigger, facilities newer. Haven’t been to Sabai Room across the street, if anyone has, let me know.]

After that, made my way to Sabaidee but, it figures, my girl wasn’t there. The dude checked for me, and while I waited at the bar, I noticed a very promising girl behind the glass, “#99”. I watched her out of the corner of my eye, I kept my sunglasses on so she couldn’t tell I was checking her out. [Lesson 28: Bring your sunglasses everywhere.] She was apart from the dozens of other girls, but she kept looking at me, I think that in the chance I looked her way, she wanted to be ready to smile at me and present herself. There was something in this persistence that told me she had a good work ethic. Again [see Lesson 21] a Thai girl’s silent look can speak 1000 words. All the other girls were beautiful, wearing their silk cocktail dresses that hugged their delicate Asian features. Number 99 was different though. She was tall, maybe even for a Western woman, yet she was far more Asian than the others with the narrowest eyes I’d seen on this trip. Maybe she hadn’t gotten picked because the Western guys thought she was too ethnic, but for me, THAT’S A HUGE TURN-ON. It will be the happiest day of my life when one of the costumes offered at Eden Club is 1960s North Vietnamese Battle Fatigues, complete with a triangular, straw “rice picker” hat. I’ll walk right into that place, scoop her up, and make her pay for the fall of Saigon in the most glorious way possible. I will go down on that girl until she’s screaming Uncle Sam’s name. (Marc from Eden Club, I hope you are listening.)

When the guy came down to tell me my regular girl wasn’t there, I gestured to 99 and said “that’s OK, this girl is VERY NICE.” She smiled and jumped up. In the room, she couldn’t wait for the cleaning lady to leave, and shoed her out of the room. After that was heaven. Clothes were flying everywhere. I finally got a look at 99’s wonderful body. She was not at all fat, but had a wonderful full figure, hourglass curves and a full, natural c-cup. (Not sure what a C-cup translates to outside the USA. Just trust me, they were nice.) She got me into the tub and washed me off wonderfully. She watched my face, and if I smiled when she did something, then she did it ten times as much. I laughed, then she laughed. She took my hand in hers and brushed my fingernails over like I was a Roman Emperor. When it came time for the soapy soap massage, she worked me over for at least 20 minutes with that wonderful body. I showed my appreciation with hysterical laughs and smiles, I couldn’t control myself. She smiled even more at this, she craved my compliments like a drug, for reasons I couldn’t yet understand, and worked me over even more.

I had a few minutes to calm down while I waited for her on the bed, and when she came over, I felt and kissed that wonderful body over and over. The routine boom boom was too much to waste on this woman. But she would have none of that, and went straight for the goal. I told her it was OK, “no boom, just sanuk.” She still went straight for the goal. “No, really,” I said. “No,” she insisted, “I no do my job.” I found a 1000 baht note and gave it to her, a tip that I hoped would tell her she was doing a WONDERFUL JOB. (Sorry to all the guys who say I was driving up the price, last time I do that, I swear. At least I’m not sending her 500,000 baht to build a house.) She sighed and frowned bitterly at the note. Had I insulted her somehow? “You no understand… I no pay you no come,” she said in her unbelievably thick accent, which, I mention again, is a HUGE turn on for me.

This I didn’t understand, even after she repeated it. No pay? Did she mean she didn’t get paid if I she didn’t finish me off? Was there really that hidden camera behind the mirror we all feared, that made sure she was doing her job? The third time I understood. “I no HAPPY if you no come.” She really did need me to be attracted to her to be happy. I’d read about this, but now I’d seen it for real. Perhaps they all needed this to some degree. Maybe that’s why she sat apart from the others, she was older (she said 30, maybe she was 34, but I didn’t care), and maybe she felt she wasn’t as good looking anymore.

She then turned over and stretched out on all fours, arched her back like the lioness that rules the pride. There was nothing I was going to be able to do to resist this woman now, this terrified me completely, she completely had the upper hand over me. Yet, she gave me back the upper hand with one word. She craned her neck around to me, looked me straight into the eyes and said… “please.”

I kneeled behind her and she put me inside (the regular place, not “the other” place). She felt so warm, it was hard to believe the condom was on. I leaned over to cup her breast in one hand, and stroked her stomach with the other. I’m going to leave out a couple of other details, because that’s not the purpose of this site. But I must tell you the next fifteen minutes were out of a BBC nature documentary about lions mating on the Serengeti. I howled like Tarzan for the full fifteen, then collapsed on my back, that amazing feeling when your thighs are drained of energy. She collapsed on her back, draped my arms around her, and rubbed her face all over mine – again like a lioness. “I so happy. You happy?” “What do YOU think!,” I laughed. She smiled at this. “You come back next time Pattaya?,” she smiled. “Oh yeah,” I said. “You no lie? You remember my number?” she tested me. “Ninety-nine!,” I shouted before she even finished the sentence. She smiled one more time; now she knew I was one falang that was telling the truth.

I admit there were a lot of sex details in that story, and I know Stick’s site is more than just that, but I’ll be damned if I can think of what the lesson is here. Maybe the lesson is [Lesson 29] that falangs and TG really do have something to offer each other besides sex and money. I made 99 feel like the most beautiful and sexy woman around, which is what they so often crave, and she made me feel like a manly stud. It’s not love, but maybe some kind of pure happiness can pass between us. Or maybe [Lesson 30] is that, despite the setbacks, the game is worth playing. Learn the rules. Make sure you don’t get ripped off and always use your condom. If you play by the rules, some amazing things can happen. Maybe. Or maybe it’s that sometimes you get some perfect moments in life, so shut up and enjoy them.

Number 99 led me out by a side door [Lesson 31: The place has a side door for avoiding your other TGs. As Mr. “Dover in LOS” illustrated recently, if you go butterflying, you WILL run into your other TGs. This is 100 times more likely to happen than you realize. You know why. BECAUSE SHE’S FOLLOWING YOU. Your TG will follow you at some point. That’s Lesson 32.] That whole time, 99 didn’t climax, or if she did it was quiet. I’m glad she didn’t fake it, it reaffirmed that was she really wanted was the climax of her ego, which was that she could be the best sex of my life and no other woman could get that from me. I’d have to say, she might have achieved just that.

Around 5 pm, I went to see my girls at a “well known Pattaya a gogo.” The two had swapped personalities in the last 4 months. “Nice Girl,” the one who I thought was so needy and clingy had actually mellowed out. Meanwhile, “Cool Girl,” the best dressed, best dancer, best looking one in the club wouldn’t leave my side or let go of my hand. I’d suspected something was up 16,000 kilometers away while I was still in the USA. Her emails lately all sounded the same: “sorry I not write so long, no time, and so drunk, I so sorry Peter.” As she drained her third Heineken before we’d even left the club, my worst suspicions were being confirmed.

Took the two to the big seafood place on walking street, yet somehow Cool Girl had already invited two other girls along. One, I’ll call her “Mystery Girl,” was that one suspicious girl at the club. She’d show up every day, always in plain clothes, never dancing on the pole in uniform. The only explanation I could think of, since she wasn’t the prettiest, was that she was so great in bed that she had a man paying her bar fine every day before the place even opened. And [Lesson 33] any girl who can get a guy any time she wants IS THE BIGGEST TYPE OF TROUBLE IN THE WORLD. Avoid at all costs.

I shot pool with Nice Girl and the Fourth Girl (who turned out to be really sweet, but spoke little English) at the big open air bar on Walking Street. I asked Nice Girl what the Hell had happened to Cool Girl. (Those of you who read my first story – see link at top of page – will remember how enthralled I was at how my two Pattaya girls treated me like a prince.) “First five months OK,” Nice Girl said. “Six, seven, eight, nine… not so good,” she finished, summarizing Cool Girl’s career. I watched Cool Girl drinking my money and scraping up the felt of the pool table next to me, and was getting a clearer picture. Came time to pay the check, and I was shocked at how much CG drank, the tab was 2300! Then I realized the bartender was stuffing my cup with half the bar’s receipts. I laughed and gave her a face-saving “check again please,” and magically the bill came down to 1000. I’d almost gotten ripped off, and I reminded myself of Chatty Girl’s warning, “They get you when you’re drunk.” It was Diet Cokes for the rest of the night.

Took the girls to Lucifer Disco, which, like the name implies, quickly became Hell. Cool Girl had the most annoying habit of not wanting to dance with me, yet standing between me and whichever girl in the place my eyes landed on. That included some amazing freelancers dancing on the speakers. [Lesson 34: Someone once said Lucifer had amazing freelancers, if that night is the norm, than this is TRUE. I wasn’t the freelancer type until that moment.] At some point, I started thinking about how terrific my BKK girls were, and I was already dreaming up excuses to ditch Pattaya girls. “Feel sick, need to go to hotel,” I said. “OK,” Cool Girl said. “Go with [Nice Girl] tonight, I no go with you tonight, otherwise…” she then imitated throwing up, to show she was too drunk to go with me tonight. “You pay 2000 for me and friends, OK?” she finished. She was too drunk to go with me, but not too drunk to collect my money. As an added bonus, she knocked over the two drinks I’d just bought her. “Sure,” I said, “I get money right now, come back.” She smiled, blinded enough by the money to believe this lie. “You pay my bar fine when you Bangkok?” she asked. “Thank you Pee-TUH. You good friend.” [Lesson 35 is the best advice I will ever give anybody in life… “If your girl is keeping you guessing… then you have your answer.” I’m trademarking that phrase.]

I gave Nice Girl 2000 baht on the way out. Then I keep on running. You ever run when you’re drunk? Everything’s out of proportion, your arms and legs are moving too fast, the scenery moves too fast past you. It’s like running on the moon, no gravity and traction. Or maybe that’s how Thai nightlife feels, I just never noticed it before.

That was the last I saw of any of them. I even checked the gogo bars on the way out of Walking Street to pick up a new girl, but it must have been after 1 AM, because they were closed. On the way back to the hotel I rode in a truck, and drunkenly wondered where my “good girl” had gone. She’d never asked for anything before, and now she was Pattaya’s biggest golddigger. That phrase “you good friend” creeped me out to no end – it reminded me of one of my missing wife’s empty phrases: “I love you, OK? Is that what you want to hear?” In a way I blamed myself. I’d kept writing them emails telling them how I’d take them away from “the bad men” for a week when I got back to Pattaya, how they’d be my little Thai princesses and could do whatever they wanted. Maybe they took that literally. Their job is still 100 times harder than mine, I only have to kiss ass in the figurative sense. If I had their job, I’d be a lot worse than a money-lusting alcoholic. I’d probably be dead.

And what about Nice Girl? She’d written me emails 3 times a week for months. She’d even remembered my birthday, and had a present waiting for me that day. I was ditching her now, after she’d waited months to see me, going back to the girls who gave me great sex with a smile. I thought maybe we’re the ones pulling the scam – giving them a fraction of what a Western girl would get to perform their trained tricks for us, and we have the privilege of leaving whenever we want.

I was thinking all this walking back to my hotel, when I saw the only open gogo Bar of the 50 I’d passed, about 1:30 AM. Walked in, and there were a dozen girls dancing, a few hostesses hosting. The girls weren’t ugly, but they were indeed the ones that were the last to get picked up that night, if they got picked up at all. I bought drinks for two waitresses with cute personalities, gave them my usual TG jokes, and before I knew it, the three of us were up on stage, dancing on the pole, with Aussie blokes stuffing 20 baht notes in my jeans. A girl slapped a name tag on me. If you were in Classroom 2000 on the night of December 1, 2004, I was “Number 58.” Thank you for not bar fining me, I was probably drunk enough to go home with you. As it turned out, that probably would have been a better choice that who I went with. There was a Skinny Girl, not good or bad looking, but a great dancer, working her body in front of every guy in the place. She was having sex with the air in front of them, gyrating desperately with the air in front of them, quicker and quicker as the music got faster and the minutes ticked away before closing.

I called her over and told her to meet me at my hotel room after closing, at least I’d save the bar fine. I guess I appreciated the effort she was putting in, and I was willing to break my rule about girls who smelled vaguely of cigarettes. That would come off when she showered, right? It took her forever to get to the room, and I sat hoping she wouldn’t show up, and thinking about whoever wrote on Stick’s site that sleeping with someone you don’t like can be more lonely than sleeping alone. [Special thanks to whoever said that, it’s Lesson 36.]

The bellboy had to call me first, then escort her to the room, she couldn’t find it. So much for discretion. She wasn’t bad looking, but [Lesson 37] that cigarette smell doesn’t quite come off. I felt bad, she was putting in the effort, but between the smell, the letdown with Cool Girl, being drunk… I couldn’t get into it. I told Skinny Girl I was “too drunk for la-DEE” and after a few minutes of convincing her there was nothing wrong with her (another half-lie) she seemed content to watch MTV Asia as I passed out.

Got up at 6:30 next morning, told Skinny Girl I was leaving for BKK at 7, and I had to send her home. Couldn’t get her out of bed with a forklift. Eventually she got dressed, but had the nerve to ask for cab fare after I gave her 2000 baht for doing nothing. Gave her 100 more just to get her out of there. Reminded me of a line from a certain foul-mouthed, animated American television show, which is [Lesson 38] sometimes you pay girls to stay with you, sometimes you pay them to leave. [Lesson 39: Sometimes you have to cut your losses and call it a night. I shouldn’t have picked up that last girl.]

Intermission

One note I wanted to mention about Pattaya was this. A few gogo’s are instituting computerized bar receipts. Instead of placing chit after chit in your cup, they’ll remove the last one (which said, say 5 drinks for 500 baht) with a new one (8 drinks for 800 baht). The drinks are itemized every time, with the newest ones at the bottom. This is, I think, is going to be a lot more fair for us in the future. Also, it will settle Lucky Wee Willie’s argument once and for all, about purposely “losing” a few a your chits by dropping them on the floor. (It may just save his life actually.) You still get the cup though, even if there’s just the one receipt in it. This is good, the cup is part of the tradition. I thought it was important to mention all this, receipts and chits have become an issue unto themselves.

Back to BKK

Caught an 8:30 AM van to BKK. Spent the morning half-asleep on the van and in my hotel room. Called Surfer Girl and Sweet Girl, my BKK girls, and gave them VERY CLEAR instructions that I was picking them up at their club tonight. Spent the day lying down, hungover, eating room service. Watched CNN to combat culture shock and homesickness. Counted the minutes until Nana Plaza opened.

Showed up at Nana too early. There were a dozen touts ready to grab me as I walked up the stairs toward Carousel, between floors 2 and 3. The most questionable seemed to be a few older bar girls dragging me into a bar tucked all the way back in the stairwell called “Erotica.” It was so hidden, it just seemed to have trouble written all over it. I half expected to turn into one of those cautionary tales about falangs that get kidnapped, their wallets stolen, and get chopped up and served in Tom Yam. I WAS VERY MISTAKEN. Erotica is at least as good as the other bars in Nana and, in my opinion, maybe the best kept secret in Nana. A Stickman fan once wrote to me asking where the small, dark girls were in LOS, what the American Marines in Philippines called LBFMs (Little Brown F*** Machines). The small girls are in Erotica. Small girls in bikinis and cowboy boots, the kind of boots that you want them to leave on when you take them back to the hotel for boom boom, leaving those boots and your TG’s feet dangling off the side of the bed while you’re…

ANYWAY, where was I? Oh yeah, one cutie wasn’t as stunning, but had her eyes and her smile locked on me – while all the other girls were facing the front, she was looking at me where I was sitting behind stage. Good strategy, I must say. She was a great dancer, working that cute little bod. I always like those girls that aren’t the best looking, like #99 at the massage place, they seem more eager to please, since they can’t make it on looks alone. [That’s Lesson 40.] I know a lot of guys will back me up on this since the opposite is true. Just look at all the trouble Soi Dog had with “The Most Beautiful Girl I Ever Met.” Anyway, I bought that cutie a few lady drinks and slipped her another 200 baht. Told her I had to go meet my girlfriends, and reminded myself to use this as an excuse from now on, rather than my arsenal of lies.

Got to Sweet Girl and Surfer Girl’s club around 8:30, and had to circumnavigate both carousels before finding them dancing on stage. Like I said, I told them both I was picking them up, but they were on stage anyway, making themselves available. I suppose maybe they had taken me for another lying falang, which I was sometimes. Still, Sweet Girl’s face lit up with one of those famous TG smiles, and before I knew it, we were piled into a taxi on the way to Hollywood Disco. In the taxi I asked, “don’t you girls want to go somewhere besides Hollywood Disco?” “I can’t go to other disco,” Sweet Girl says. “Why, you make fight in other discos? You do Thai boxing?” I joked. “No no no Pee-TUH,” she laughed. “I not old enough!”

WHOA. “And… and how old are you?” I asked VERY SLOWLY, because this is not one I can afford to miscommunicate. “Nineteen,” she says. I don’t know the rule on this. I’ve heard 19 is OK for consent, but I didn’t hear that Bar Girls have to be 20 until I got home, and still don’t know if this isn’t true. All I know is I was cutting things very close. It still didn’t stop me from taking them both to Hollywood Disco and letting them do whatever them wanted. In turn, that night they let me do whatever I wanted… to them. Last thing I remember was everyone collapsing in the bed with arms around each other and smiles on their faces.

Next night, I showed up at my girls’ club same time, we were already falling into a routine. Surfer Girl showed up at my left side, while Shy Girl, a friend of theirs, showed up on my right. Surfer Girl rubbed me a few times in a certain area, and I knew what was coming. She was going to ask me the favor of taking shy girl out, IN ADDITION to Surfer and Sweet. It was the first extravagant thing they asked me for, and I wasn’t mad yet, but “Damn it,” I thought. “Why are we so mistrustful of each other?” “Oh yeah, it’s because of the non-stop lies,” I immediately answered myself. Maybe my Pattaya girls just had me spooked. Tonight I was going to watch my BKK girls very closely though.

Sure enough, Sweet Girl was on the phone with her sister, and asked if the Sister Girl could come dancing. “Don’t worry, she not work tonight,” Sweet Girl said. What did that mean?, I wondered. Did that mean she was not working, so I was only buying her drinks, or did that mean it was her day off, so I was paying her 2500 baht instead of some punter at the club?

I was nice enough, but I gave Sister Girl the cold shoulder pretty much all night, letting her know I wasn’t having a 10,000 baht night. I gave Sweet Girl 2000 baht to buy drinks, giving her a little test to see how honest she was with my money. She passed 100%, keeping my money in a specific pocket, and handing me back the change at the end of the night. “I save you money,” she said proudly, “no charge falang price, and I no tip like falang!” I was starting to warm up to her again, in a bigger way than before. “I take care you, because you take care me so good!” She then cuddled me like a girl with her teddy bear and rubbed the side of her face against mine. “I like you so much!” Damn, sometimes that makes it all worth it.

It was getting near closing, and some europunter (just made up that word, but feel free to use it) was dancing all sexed up with Sister Girl. Perfect, I thought, let him take her off my hands and solve my problem once and for all. As the placed closed up, we conferenced on what to do. I gave him carte blanche, said she was just my girl’s sister, and please take her off my hands. “I’m going to offer her 1000,” europunter guy said. “Offer her 2000, and I’ll give you 1000,” I said, anxious to get rid of her. “No, we pay 1000,” he insisted. This went back and forth, I kind of respected him for not wanting to drive up the price. It was a classic standoff, the overpaying ugly American versus the pennywise European. But, alas, I knew a girl that hot wasn’t taking 1000, long time, shorttime or otherwise. I found myself in the taxi with all four girls, chatting with Sister Girl. “That [europunter guy] want me to go with him, but I say ‘no.’ I have boyfriend, I good girl,” she said. I figured this was another face-saver lie, she probably was embarrassed by the cheap offer. “I good girl,” she repeated. “Not too good, I hope,” I joked, winking, and she laughed. A few minutes later, she was off to see her boyfriend without asking me for so much as taxi fare. She thanked me for the night out, and I kind of felt bad I’d expected the worst from her.

“If you girls are hungry, we can go to Nana Hotel,” I told them. “No, we eat on street,” Sweet Girl said. “You no have to spend so much money.” I loved this. I would have paid the 80 baht each at Nana Hotel, but Sweet Girl wanted me to spend 80 baht on them all to “save money.” The honesty the girls were showing was putting me at ease. Back at the hotel, while Shy Girl was showering up, my two girls hung out on the bed with me, watching MTV Asia. Sweet Girl got that faraway look in her eye. She was thinking about her parents, “mother/father” she referred to them as, who were coming in at 5 am by bus for the holiday weekend, and who she hadn’t seen in about six months, since she became a BG I guess. After a few minutes, I pulled her into the living room of the suite and gave her 2500 baht. “You go see mother/father, take money, I see you tomorrow, OK,” I said. I found myself speaking in “TG English” to make myself understood those days. “You give me money same same? No boom? Peter, you so nice,” she said, sniffling. She was so excited, she rushed to Surfer Girl in the bedroom, then got Shy Girl out of the shower to tell her too. I got a few last kisses and hugs before she left all smiling and happy, and we agreed to meet tomorrow. I sat on the bed next to Shy Girl, and again my mind got reeling. Maybe she looked a little TOO sad when she couldn’t see her parents, and a little TOO happy when I let her go. “You give me money same same?” sounded a little TOO much like she was some sweet girl pretending to be so grateful, and…

Wait a second Peter, calm down. Why so suspicious? Had Stickman stories ruined my ability to trust? Had my soon-to-be ex-wife? She was a good kid, I told myself. I looked over at Shy Girl wrapped in her towel and smiling at me. “She is a nice girl,” I said, gesturing toward the door Sweet Girl had just walked out. Shy Girl’s smile dropped, and I realized the competitive nature of the statement I’d just made, so I said “and you are a very nice girl too!”

Baby, that was all it took! Shy Girl was not nearly as shy as I thought. She was “smoking me” like a Cuban cigar before Surfer Girl was even out of the shower. Surfer Girl laughed as she walked into the room at how we couldn’t wait for her. Surfer Girl’s smile got to me again, and I had to have her in my mouth. Her warmth was amazing down there, and she tasted so clean, like the first time I ever did that, back in high school, 16,000 km away and 15 years ago. She climaxed in this completely silent way, which felt wonderfully submissive. I wasn’t even sure she climaxed, but everything else checked out. Her body had lost every ounce of tension, and there was this wonderful warm, clean sweat over every inch of her skin. (I understood now why they thought falang’s were sweaty and stinky sometimes.) Her eyes were closed dreamily, and there was an even bigger smile on her face. Shy Girl confirmed that this was indeed how it went with Surfer Girl and Sweet Girl too. “But not with me!” she boasted, and a few minutes later, she proved it. That night, the three of us fell asleep next to each other, all warm-skinned, weak and smiling.

Took all three of them out again the next night. Must have been Friday, because there were a lot of locals at Hollywood Disco. A few Thai guys kept eyeing my girls, and one goofy one with big thick glasses came right up to Shy Girl and got right in her face asking for her number. I could tell she was politely telling him she was with me, so he got right in my face to confirm the story. “What about that girl?” he asked, pointing at Shy Girl. “She’s with me,” I said. “What about those girls?” he asked, pointing at my other two girls. (So much for Thais not pointing.) I had to think fast. I didn’t want to say they were all with me, because then it’d be obvious they were BGs, and I know that outside of the club, the girls deserved to be treated discreetly. “What about those girls, they with you?” he asked again. “Uh, no, they’re with each other,” I said. Boy, I was rattling off those face-saving lies like a pro.

After the Thaipunter left, Shy Girl said “you save me. No like Thai men. Too aggressive.” I kind of felt bad about that. Imagine if in your country, USA, UK, OZ, NZ, EU, wherever, you couldn’t get any of your own women, because foreigners were always coming over with their big money and taking all your women. [Lesson 41: Don’t be so hard on the Thais.] It still didn’t stop me from sleeping with three Thai women that night though.

Next day must have been the King’s birthday, because I spent the whole day alone in my room, catching up on some work, drinking, eating room service, feeling home sick. I knew I wouldn’t see my girls that night because the bars were closed. I should have arranged to see them anyway. Started to feel REALLY LONELY. I wondered if there was something in our minds that made us want affection, whether we wanted it or not. There was definitely something in our bodies that made us want sex, that was a product of evolution left over from caveman times that made sure the species would reproduce. Maybe there was something that made me want them around, for them to like me more than any other falang. Why did I need to be so liked at this point in time? Oh yeah, it was because my wife had treated me like crap. I barely thought about her, but she was always there.

I don’t know how, but I wound up at Angles Disco, and I didn’t even know it was open. It was my sixth sense that led me there, to the only open bar, or at least the only one open that was full of girls. [Lesson 42: You have a sixth sense, it is the one that can find sex anywhere.] I sat down, and watched some middle-aged Thai guys lead some freelancers on to the dance floor. I didn’t feel so sad anymore. A bunch of people were dancing completely innocently, it could have been a wedding. It was almost like the holiday meant we’d called a truce between TGs and punters. For just about an hour, the girls weren’t trying to get into the guys’ wallets, and the guys weren’t trying to get into the girls’ pants. Eventually, I sat down again, and one of the girls asked me for a drink. I bought her the drink, and even gave her 200 baht to get something to eat. She was cute, but she wasn’t my girl. I was so drunk, I went to a payphone and called Sweet Girl, even though it was midnight. “I find disco open, come see me Honey,” I said, again speaking in Thai Girl English. “Honey, I go sleep, I see you tomorrow, OK,” she said. Damn, shot down by the girl you’re paying. Was it her parents she wanted to see tonight? I couldn’t blame her, she was only 19 and hadn’t seen her parents for a while. Were they even there though? Why was I so upset she was taking the Holiday off? BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE LOVED, DAMN IT! I was behaving like a selfish jerk. Or maybe after giving so much to my wife and getting almost nothing, I liked being the center of attention once. That was all ending.

Sadly, I wandered toward the exit, before someone stopped me. Amazingly, it was my bellboy from the first night. “You look for nice girl sir?” he asked. Yep, truer word never spoken. I was so drunk, I let him put me in a taxi toward what sounded like some underground place that was open on the holiday. I expected it was me that was going underground, as in dead. I had to be crazy to be going somewhere like that, after I’d heard all the stories. As it turned out, the cab driver just took me to a hidden entrance of one of the more well-known massage places. The nicer girls must have had the day off, because all the girls were only OK looking, and only one seemed under 30. She had a lot of makeup on for some reason. I pointed her out, but the mamasan kept trying to trick me into taking someone else for some reason.

My mind was all over the place, I don’t even remember how I got in the room, I just remember at some point realizing how clumsy and beautiful she was at her job. She’d wash me all over, drop the soap in her haste because she was so eager to please, the smile and tap my cheek to make sure I was smiling. She scrubbed one inch of me at a time sometimes, like I was a precious antique statue. I finally got a good look at her face, she must have washed the makeup off at some point, because she looked beautiful. It was the sweetest face I’d ever seen, of course I always think that at the time. Her name was Pim, or at least that’s what I’ll call her. “You go get in bed. No massage, you rest, OK?” I said. She smiled at this, very happy. I dried the both of us off and got under the blankets with her. This was the first time I’d gotten under the blankets in a massage place, I’d never even noticed they had blankets before.

“Where you from?” she asked. I told her Washington, but I really loved San Francisco. New York was everything they said, for good and bad. “I sorry about Twin Tower and Wash’ton,” she said, and I thought this was very sweet, considering more probably died on one Thai highway every year than on September 11. (This was three weeks before the Tsunami.) “Where you from?” I asked her, and I got the strangest answer from the simplest question I’ll probably ever get in LOS. “Kampuchea,” she said. This is what they called Cambodia for a brief period, in the 1970s and 1980s, I think. She said she was 24, maybe she gotten out as a kid and only thought it of it as that. How strange to be from a country that no one remembers.

We just held he other and talked. I even paid for another hour. Pim liked hearing about all the places I’d been to. She liked hearing about Seattle, I told her it was where they made computers, and you know how TGs love their gadgets. “It rains all the time there,” I told her. “They have monsoon like Thailand?” she asked. “No, just rain. They have some rainforests too,” I told her. “Rainforest? I think Seattle same same Thailand. They have elephant too?” “No,” I laughed, picturing a heard of elephants trampling through the backyard of Bill Gates $50 million dollar house.

“I no want you go back America, I want you be my boyfriend,” she said, both joking and serious about what we both knew could never happen. “I be your boyfriend for two hour, OK? You be my little wife two hour,” I said. The wife part I thought was too much, but I couldn’t stop it from coming out of my mouth. She wriggled happily under the blanket and grabbed me. I realize now that it was the best thing I could have said, but I didn’t realize until I got to the USA that that moment helped me learn the most important lesson. Pim gave me her email address and I wrote her as soon as I got home.

Woke up hungover the next day, but feeling happy. My TGs knew I was leaving at midnight, so they knew to meet me early in the afternoon. Made it down to the Nana lobby, started reading the “BKK Post,” when this very normal-looking and abnormal-acting woman strikes up a conversation with me. She was sitting with three other older British guys, but talking to me. She didn’t look like a BG, all dressed up in Burberry. She told me she was an English teacher, and spoke in a Thai/British accent that made her almost unintelligible. She kept telling me about trips she’d made to Korea and Borneo with her boyfriend, and I knew enough about those places to know she might be telling the truth. I don’t know if I was attracted, but I was definitely intrigued. Who the Hell was this woman?

About 20 minutes into the conversation, Sweet Girl dropped right into my lap, with Shy Girl in tow. I was concentrating so hard on this new woman, I didn’t see them coming. Sweet Girl gave me a huge hug, and I gave her one back. We were sitting there all smiles like we hadn’t seen each other in two years, forget about two days. I looked over at the new woman, and she was disappointed. “Ah, you have girlfriend, congratulations, you happy” she said, and shook my hand. “Yes, and you have a boyfriend too, that’s good,” I said. But this new woman just shook her head “no” and smiled. She shook my hand like the loser at a tennis match, and turned back to her newspaper. Next thing I knew, my girls were dragging me to get foot massages, and making fun of this woman, who they called “Lady Ba.” Half the conversation that night was about Lady Ba.

Seriously, does anyone know what is up with Lady Ba? Why would she tell me all about her boyfriend, if she was picking me up. Was she picking me up? I have read about “actresses” hanging out in the Nana Hotel lobby and such places, but thought they were all gone by now.

Maybe my girls got a little jealous about Lady Ba, which [Lesson 43] can be a good thing. The four of us sat getting foot massages, and Sweet Girl seemed to be telling the massage ladies how great they thought I was. I was a curiosity amongst these ladies, and when Sweet Girl explained about me, she smiled. “Not like Thai man,” were some of the Thai words I could understand. “Up to you, up to you,” she said in English, explaining how I let them do want the want. She smiled at this, then stuck one of her headphones in my ear. We listened to Thai music together and melted into the massage chairs. The massage women smiled at us too. They were laughing at me, in a good way, because even thought they were in their forties, they could tell I was still getting a boner from the massage. Or maybe they just thought I was ticklish. Sweet Girl must have gotten sexed up too, because out on the street she said “we go to room, OK honey?” “Yes!” I said. “No more up to you, UP TO ME!”

Brought my three girls to Nana Hotel, but this Dragon Lady at reception wouldn’t let us up. “Only two girl up to room, other girl wait in coffee shop.” Damn. [Lesson 44: Nana Hotel will only let you take two girls up.] I didn’t know what to do. Shy Girl would have been offended if I didn’t take her up. Sweet Girl didn’t seem up for it all of the sudden. That made ME insulted. I panicked and grabbed Surfer Girl, took her up to the room. When she was in the shower, I missed Sweet Girl again and called her on her cell. Before I could convince her to come up, the Dragon Lady snatched the cell phone from her. “I KNOW YOU HAVE TWO GIRL IN ROOM! I TELL YOU ONLY TWO GIRL, YOU CALL THIS GIRL TRY TO GET THREE GIRL IN ROOM!” “There’s only one girl in my room right now, I swear,” I said. “OH NO, I SEND SECURITY TO YOUR ROOM TO CHECK, YOU LIKE THAT?” “Yes,” I said as calmly as I could, “please send security.” She hung up on me then. The only thing that made Dragon Lady madder than me trying to get three girls in the room (I wasn’t) was me being right and embarrassing her.

What a mood killer. Surfer Girl came out of the bathroom and asked me what was wrong. I told her about the Dragon Lady on the phone. Then I told her that I was sad about Sweet Girl. I wanted her to say “yes, pee-TUH, I come to room with you, you so nice, I like you so much.” Again, I was just being a self-centered jerk. “I no understand, my English not so good, sorry,” Surfer Girl said. “But Peter, I want to tell you a thing.” “What?” I asked. She thought about this quite a bit, and then simply said… “I like you.” It was the way she said it. This normally mellow girl reached deep into her voice and said very seriously “I like you” in a way that girl can speak sometimes that is so sexually charged it pins your shoulders to the bed and lets you know that she is going to take over now and make you very happy. And she did. So, my bad mood lasted about 20 seconds.

I grabbed my three girls, checked out, and we all got into a taxi. Sure enough, Dragon Lady sent a bellboy after me to make sure I paid my bill, so I just showed him my receipt. I thought to wave the receipt at her, because I knew she was watching, but enough was enough. We went to the airport, which my girls live near, so they could get a taxi from there. I was thinking how maybe I was taking things too seriously. It was hard enough to understand these girls when they were taking, now I was trying to interpret their actions and body language to figure out how they felt about me. They were eager to please me most of the time, and, by the way, they were only nineteen and twenty, how much relationship experience did they really even have? And how did I wind up with three of them anyway? [Lesson 45: Maybe I should stop taking everything so seriously and personally. 99.99999% of the men in the world would love to be in my place.]

My girls got out at the airport with me, Surfer Girl had never been inside one. She wanted to know where all the planes were, and I told her they were all the way in the back, because of security. [Lesson 46: Don’t forget, they’re often very sharp, but they’re still young and can be innocent and naïve. Be gentle with them sometimes.]

When I got on the plane, I thought about all my girls. I was thinking about Pim and that perfect moment we had, and that was probably the most important lesson of all. [Lesson 47: Things are never going to be perfect all the time. Perfect moments are pretty special. Be thankful.]

Epilogue

When I got back to the USA, I went to see my wife, who wanted to get back together. I wasn’t mad at her anymore. It’s the rare woman that’s capable of seeing a marriage through in this insane new century, and probably the same for men. She was never that woman, I could see it now. I was probably that man at one point, but my experience probably ruined that for a little while. Maybe I’ll come out of my Thailand phase later in 2005 and be ready to trust some other woman. (But not before I go back this spring!) I wonder if that’s why we’re all divorced and separated guys going over there, as opposed to single guys looking for fun. I guess we just want someone to love us back, without all the complications we’ve had in marriage.

Got some emails from Pim, but after about five, I couldn’t write back anymore. The last one from her explained that I didn’t understand how serious she was about me, and that she wanted to “take care me.” I didn’t write back after that, I felt bad about it, but it wasn’t fair to keep her living with that dream. I could never be with her that way, for reasons it would take me another 20,000 words to explain.

Called Surfer Girl once a few weeks ago to tell her when I was coming again, and she was excited. Called her a few days ago, but the number doesn’t seem to be working. [Lesson 48: Set up your girl with email!] Called Sweet Girl a few weeks ago too, and she was excited to hear from me. Called a few days ago, and she couldn’t understand what I was saying, maybe she was asleep at 2 in the afternoon (her time).

I remembered not to take it personally. There would be plenty of great moments when I got back. Or maybe, as my Pattaya girls taught me, [Lesson 49] you can never quite recapture the magic. That’s OK, if we didn’t have to do it all over sometimes, then it wouldn’t be new and exciting. (I’d call that last point a lesson, but the point of it is, it’s often better on your own, without the lessons. I guess Soi Dog was right.) There’d be other great TGs, great beaches, great taxi rides, great moments… If it didn’t work out with my BKK girls, there’d always be Samui, or Phuket, or Hua Hin, or Angeles City

Stickman's thoughts:

Long!