Readers' Submissions

There Is A Place you Can Sex For Free – No Hidden Charges

  • Written by Anonymous
  • August 14th, 2004
  • 15 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

There Is A Place Where You Can Sex For Free – No Hidden Charges

By John Doe


Yeah right. This place is… in your dreams. The title of this submission is more or less to make a point. A juicy title will attract a lot of attention, and even if people realize after a while the title doesn't cover the contents lots of them will still read on. And I use if and not when, because lots of them will read everything, still expecting – against better judgment – the juicy tip at the end of the piece. Works in advertising too sometimes. And there is always the odd chance of a golden tip at the end. And I assure you, it's there, so do read on!

Also, if something seems too good to be true, it usually isn't true at all. This is something like a universal truth, an axioma to use a math term. I can really guarantee you this. Yet, many people are only happy to believe the crap that's being fed to them. Do you really believe things like "Oh, you are so handsome, I only love you, you have a good heart, I don't care what people say about us (in case of a huge age or weight difference), I don't have another boyfriend, money doesn't matter to me, I come with you for free…". I suggest you think twice, or should I say thrice. Shall I go on or did I prove my point?

Or what about investment schemes, the shady Thai land development industry, the nightlife industry, the stock market (usually buying overpriced or even non-existing hi-tech stocks), the futures market etc… Ever believed the Nigerian government official that wanted you to have a few million bucks if you helped him launder his money. No? Well, hundreds of people fell for it. A phone call saying you inherited a substantial amount of money but needed to pay expenses up front? The "buy gems cheap and sell them at much higher prices" scheme? People can be oh so easily fooled and taken for a ride sometimes (in a tuktuk in this scheme).

Let's get down to business. I wrote this submission partly as a reaction to a few stories and comments I read on the website. They are not related. In one of Dana's tales, he mentions that his girlfriend talks incessantly on her cell phone, for hours on end really without saying anything significant whatsoever in the process. Sounds familiar? Well we're part of the reason they do it, because we farangs let them get away with it! Ever wondered what they are really talking about? As most of the farangs don't understand Thai at all, they could be talking to just about anybody about just about anything… Scary? I am phoneless myself and proud to be. The thought of people having the power to disturb me 24 hours a day doesn't appeal to me. I'll stick to email for the time being.

Moving on. The other day a reader was surprised, even appalled, that his sweetheart had never heard of Adolf. Hitler, that is. Well, I've got news for him. I am quite sure that if everyone reading this website would ask his Thai honey if she had ever heard of the man, it would become clear that more than 95 percent of them would respond with "Who…? Who is Adow Heeler? From TV?" Or something like that. Who can blame them. The man was born about a century ago, WWII ended before all of them were born (I can't believe there's 80 year old bargirls) and the Thai educational system probably puts the focus on unbiased national history ("we kicked the Cambodians' asses"), rather than world history. Please, before I get too many angry replies, I do believe myself that the man was trouble and everybody should know some basic world history. But ask yourself, what the hell did you know about Asia, or the kingdom before you ever set foot here…?

A reader asked Mrs. Stick about his dinner date. He and his pal took their girlfriends out to dinner. The men ordered a dish each, the girls ordered six dishes between themselves and ate about one third of their food. They ordered a cocktail they didn't even touch. I was both astonished and disappointed that Mrs. Stick ended up defending them, saying "Thai people like several dishes all at once". Several, okay, but that many? My reply : bloody rude of them. They didn't look at the price of the food. Let just Mr Big Rich Farang pay for it (btw, it cost 1500 baht, so no posh restaurant but no 40 baht a dish place either). No sir, that attitude doesn't work with me. Never again go out with those wenches, I'd say. I also wonder why they had the food taken away from the table, instead of asking the waiter to pack it in Styrofoam for take away and feed the rest of the family (very common). Another suggestion about eating out : agree on how many dishes are needed before ordering, indicate what kind of meat or fish you like and then let them, the girl(s), do all the ordering. You may not get the exact dish you wanted, but you'll be a lot less frustrated at the end of the meal.

All right, now what about the free sex?! Just a minute, I'm getting there.

Let me say something first about the airport pickup/delivery service that every bargirl seems to provide. As the Hon Stick rightly pointed out, they have a hidden agenda. Of course they do! Whaddayathink? That they like travelling to and from the airport… ? Let's look at the delivery first. Stick pointed out that what they are after is the last of your baht. True indeed. What are you going to do in Farangland with those last notes? I bet they won't even change them at your local bank. So you kiss your dah-ling farewell and slip her the last of your LOS money. Beware, make sure to keep 500 baht for the airport service fee (where the hell did they get this name for a bloody departure tax?!). If you fail to produce that amount, you'll get screwed one last time at the airport. No credits cards are accepted (I wonder why).

Allright. I have another explanation why your honey bunny wants to accompany you to the airport and see you go through the departure gate. It's dead simple really. She wants to make sure you are really going home ! Let's face it, sometimes after hanging out for a while in the same place – could be the Big Mango as well as Sin City – with the same girl, the same bar people, you might get tired of it and want to get some more action and a change of scenery. Maybe it's your third time in the LOS and you haven't seen Chiang Mai yet. If it is love at first sight with darling Noi and it really clicks, you could of course ask her to join you, she'll be all too happy to comply. On the other hand, if you want to go solo, it might not be as easy as you think. BTW, as far as the farang is concerned, love at first sight does happen from time to time, as far the BG is concerned it's always love at first sight. What? Yeah, but there's a catch of course. Her instant love will rather be focused on the paper in your pocket…

So you decided to dish up a white lie and told her your flight home leaves the day after tomorrow. In order not to have her accompany you to the airport, you told her the flight would depart at the ungodly hour of 3 AM. That should scare her from joining you on the airport bus is what you think. Think again! She'll go with you no matter what. So now you've created a problem for yourself. You'll have to come clean. Whatever you tell her, don't tell her where you are going. If your destination is Chiang Mai, tell her you go to Kuala Lumpur. That should shut her up!
"I planned to see a bit of Malaysia before returning home, honey."
"I go with you !"
"I'm sorry, but you need a passport to go there."
"Can make ! Only 1500 baht !"
"Well, I'm supposed to go tomorrow…"
"You no want me go with you ?"
"Well, euh…"
"You have lady Malay-si-ya ?!"
"No, why do you say things like that?"
"Why you no want me go with youuuuuu."
"I just don't, okay. Now stop whining and collect your crap from the bathroom."

Uh-oh… Big mistake. There is a major problem with Thai (bar?)girls. They do not seem to understand to concept of 'NO'. No matter how long you try to explain, they never get it. This situation could turn very nasty. Best case scenario : she moves out of your hotel room, throws a final tantrum and leaves with slamming doors. Worst case scenario : she'll trash your hotel room (beware of the combination ashtray – TV), kick and scream, threaten you with a knife, threaten to kill herself and lock herself into the bathroom. No joke, it's happened before. Now if you are lucky she'll stay in the bathroom long enough, then you set a world record speed bagging your gear, sneak out as quietly as you can and flee. Yes, that's what it is, you are a fugitive now. Don't bother getting your key deposit back. Just tell the lady at the reception you'll be back later. Don't worry, she knows what's going on and will probably pocket the deposit herself. Just pray the room isn't in too bad shape.

Okay, say you got out alive. You're in Sin City and you want to leave town desperately. What do you do? Easy, hail a motorbike taxi and make him take you to the air-con bus terminal, right? WRONG ! Oh so wrong. Once your darling – now turned into the Vicious Avenger – notices you're gone, she'll go ASAP to the bus station herself in a last attempt to stop you. Imagine yourself sitting in the terminal, waiting for the bus that's about to depart, and there comes your precious with a killer look on her face. You can't run or hide in such a public place. She'll make an ugly scene if you don't give in and go back with her to the hotel. If you try to board the bus anyway, she might buy a ticket too, or worse, cling onto you like a survivor on a life raft (I've eyewitnessed this myself, I'm not inventing things). She'll probably convince the bus personnel she's a betrayed Cinderella and you're the male version of the wicked stepmother. So, plan carefully when you want to do stuff like this.

Airport pickup is a different story. A bargirl will pick up her boyfriend (I really should call him customer) at the airport just to be sure he'll be going back to her. What if you want to spend a few days on your own in the Big Mango, taking in some of the sights before you crash and burn in Sin City? You could again ask her to join you, but she might not be interested in the same things. "Let's go to Wat Pho." "Oh, it's just a wat…" Jim Thompson's House (just a house). Floating market (just a market) etc… You'll probably end up doing the sightseeing in Siam Square, MBK, The Emporium and Big C. Again, plan ahead !

Now for something completely different. Some people seem to hate the Khao San Road backpacker, the sex tourist, the expatriate, the English teacher, the guy who's sitting next to them at the bar because they are considered a menace (they could barfine the girl they've got their eyes one), the rest of the world and so on… A few comments.

Please, it's not just backpackers who keep the flipflop industry going. The flipflop salespeople only cater to farang in touristed areas and are therefore quite visible. But, not unlike some other industries, farang flipflop consumption accounts for less than 5 percent of the market. By the way, Khao San Road and the nearby Thanon Rambutri (now promoted as Rambutri Village) are getting a dramatic makeover. Quality and prices are going up. I wonder how long the 80 baht fleebag dorms will survive. Good riddance, I'd say.

If you take a closer look at some of the farangs and the way they behave, I am sometimes embarrassed to be one. The dreadlocks (what are they thinking and how the hell do they wash their hair and get it clean? they probably don't…), the piercings, the walking around barefoot … Have they gone mad? Even the poorest farmer wears sandals! They probably think it's hip, walking around like a modern sadu. I just hope they'd step into broken glass more often. I'm going on a hate trip myself now… Uh-oh, time to say some good things.

How I love all the tourists. Take the Israelis for instance. My favourites. All right, they bargain for a pair of 35 baht flipflops. So what. Keeps the prices down. When buying a discounted 25 baht pair, the vendor still makes a healthy 2 baht profit. I love it when lots of them are staying at the same guesthouse as I am. I always have a good night's sleep, as they don't make any noise at all when they come back in the middle of the night. They are always very friendly, open, interesting to talk to, and never rude or disrespectful. They guys are all extremely handsome and the girls dress very classy. No skin to be seen, always a bra and always very polite. Apparently they like to come to Thailand on a short break and burn cash in fancy places. They also like the beaches. Been to Ko Phangan lately? When I was there (just last month), there seemed to be more Israeli settlers on party beach Hat Rin than on the West Bank!

Enough said about these wonderful people. Don't you other readers get frustrated now and don't send hate mail. I also happen to like the odd British tourist that politely asks "Wet are you lookin' at?!" If you are in the neighbourhood of the Grand Palace, the right answer would be "The wonderfully sculpted chedi of Wat Phra Kaew, sir". It will probably get you a blank look and the sa(i)d individual will walk away. If this happens late at night in or outside a pub or bar, the answer is less obvious. Replies like "a drunken arse", "a bloody moron trying to pick a fight with me" or "God's gift to mankind" will probably get you nowhere (although the last answer might get you that same blank stare and time to jump into a passing taxi). Instead, pretending to be a Norwegian or Ukrainian tourist that doesn't speak English at all, would seem a better escape route.

Okay, let's finally get to the free sex. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a free lunch. Somebody will always end up footing the bill. In Thailand, that someone will definitely be you. At least if you do the horizontal mambo with a local damsel. Did you really think she would take you to her village to save you some money on hotels or guesthouses…? Do you really think her family would let her into the house if you were broke? The many differences between you and her (age, height, weight etc.) don't really matter if you can compensate them with a healthy amount of cash. She not only gains face because you'll end up paying for just about everything, but also because she can show everybody she's got a farang 'husband' (never mind not being married). For her, being able to push a big, rich, older farang's buttons (like a cash machine really) will gain her lots of face. All the girls in the village will suddenly want a farang husband too and come asking her for advice! If you think this will be a parade of stunning Thai virgins taking English classes, think again. Even the monolingual dragons will start dreaming of new houses that their future farang hubbies will pay for them…

Sorry guys, the free sex is probably limited to some of the islands and beaches. WTF? Yeah, if you're young and good-looking, head out to a beach and try to find that special farang lady looking for a one night stand. But like I said, these Swedish or Dutch twenty something princesses probably won't fall for your great personality, good heart or sense of humour alone… Ever thought about plastic surgery? Very cheap in Thailand. Scared of the needle and scalpel? I guess you better stay with your Thai honey and keep paying the bills then. After all, Thailand is quite cheap. And although I've been quite harsh in my description of Thai (bar)girls, there still are a number of lovely ladies to be found. Just remember that many of these cute kittens could use their sharp claws when things turn sour. Cheers!

Stickman's thoughts:

A nice collection of thoughts.