Advice To You

My Thai experience is some six-to-eight visits in the late '70's and early '80's when hitting the Japanese Embassy in Bangkok for a "straight" visa. This was when nobody used condoms, so there could be chickos in their early twenties answering to the name "Jason". This frightening thought occurred to me when I made a return visit last October. Is incest a crime if you weren't aware of it at the time?

Apart from the fact you now need condoms, even for a blowjob, nothing much has changed. So the same basic rules apply. Disregard them at your peril.

– Be bold and generous with the ladies. Look has her face (or tits) not your boots. When mamasan asks how you are, reply: "A little drained, ma'am".

– If you like 'em tall, stand next to her for comparison. But never go girls-on-top with a tall chick: You are risking a hernia.

– Watch out for lady boys. Pushing a 100 baht note down the top of a chick's knickers will usually provide definitive gender confirmation.

– Never hesitate to take a whore back to a "posh" hotel. That's what it's there for.

– Be aware that the local population will find your association offensive. So keep exposure to the minimum. Take a taxi back to the hotel however short the trip.

– Tip the hotel security guy.

– Watch out for being overcharged and short changed everywhere, especially the hotel shop.

– Be aware that a lot of her beauty will come off in the shower.

– She will be reluctant to accept a drink (even a soft drink) in the room, suspecting it may be drugged (just because she's paranoid…).

– Asking her to stay the night will cost you three times more than a short time. You might as well pick up another girl.

– Threesomes aren't all they are cracked up to be, and you go through a hell of a lot of condoms that way.

– Decline with thanks her offer to shave you.

– Don't assume she will appropriate stuff in the room, when for example you are in the bathroom. However, don't leave temptation in her path. One tip with the room safe is to duct tape the really important stuff to the roof of the safe (assuming it's on the floor), but leave something tempting exposed. Of course if they take the entire safe …

– Make sure to give her a toothbrush/toothpaste kit.

– Be ready for the "mother's operation" sob story.

– Don't expect to pump her for amusing anecdotes you can use in your writing. If she were creative she wouldn't be a whore.

– Not smart to take a whore into breakfast at the hotel. The middle class memsahib types, especially with teenage daughters will strongly disapprove of your interpretation of "getting in to the culture".

– Don't make an appointment to meet her again, beyond "See you in the bar". They have no idea of punctuality.

– She will be on her best behaviour at first, but familiarity breeds contempt. So trade her in for a new model at the earliest opportunity.

– Pay her as she leaves. Plus small notes for the taxi.

– Don't take a whore on a real date, it just wastes her time and she really doesn't have that much in the way of one-on-one conversation. Same applies to shopping. She will expect a present, and all she's doing is "hanging on your gun arm".

– She is into cost performance, so realises she earns more by screwing as many men as frequently as possible.

– Don't go on a trip with a whore. Find another one when you get there.

– Don't treat her like a wife or girl friend. It's all about your needs.

– No photographs, address exchange, phone numbers. Cut the contact completely.

– Never, ever fall in love with a whore. Her aspirations and values are totally different and it will almost certainly end in tears. Western men find this difficult to observe, but just about every whoring farang will have a story to illustrate the wisdom of this policy.

– If you want to go drinking, do it with like-minded world travellers. The bargirls are there as catalysts.

– If you do "go native" and/or are considering a long-term relationship with a Thai woman (this also applies to a sushi chick), keep in mind Madame will lose enthusiasm for playing the bedroom scene some 10 years earlier than a Caucasian woman (Asians; late 40's). So if you are in your 60's, she should be at most half your age (to have at least 10 good screwing years left in her), assuming a full physical relationship is a requirement written in stone.

– Taking her back to your country (assume advanced capitalist country) is a risky strategy. Visa considerations will push you into marriage, making unpicking the relationship that much more complicated.

Start out with these rules. You will probably bend a few from time to time, but they will stand you in good stead.

Stickman's thoughts:

I'm speechless….