Girlfriend Problems

I have a Thai girlfriend who is a bar girl. Things have gotten pretty serious and I am well aware of the games bar girls play. I am in a situation where I don't know what is going on and I would like any feedback from you or your readers.

I have a TG/BG who I am sponsoring right now. Initially I wasn't supporting her until a few months ago. The deal was that she would return to her village. But even I knew she would be back in the bars in no time. She was always complaining about how bored she was, so she decided to return to the bars with my consent.

During this time I discovered she had been going with customers. Since I was sending her money I decided to hire a PI to check her out. The outcome? Positive or negative? The PI was a young man and spoke with my girl. She immediately told him that she had a boyfriend and started to talk about me. She told the PI how she missed me and loved me and was waiting for me to come back and marry her (more about this later). At the end of the night the PI asked if he could bar fine her, initially she said no, but the guy’s plan is to carry large amounts of cash to try and entice the girls. It worked.

So now I know she was turning tricks under the right circumstances, but on the other hand I knew she loved me. I confronted her about this, and after many days of talking she finally confessed to the whole thing. Her excuse? She didn't have any money. At the time I hadn't sent her any money yet. She insists that it was for the money and she felt terrible. She told me since she quit she had no income, and no money, I had not yet sent her any money, so she had gone with a few customers.

But now the money is rolling in, she is making 15,000 baht at the bar, according to her, and I send her any where between 15 and 20 a month.

The idea to send her money was all my idea. She never asks me for money. Never. In fact there was a month where I didn't send her any money at all and she never mentioned anything. I'm not inundated with tales of disaster where the only remedy is my hard earned capital. There was one time where her nephew ended up in intensive care. I was expecting her to hit me up for money but she never asked. In fact I offered financial help and she insisted everything was ok.

I'll ask her if she needs money, and she usually says she's ok. Does this mean she has other sponsors?

She never asks me for money, and the only business transaction was the first time I went with her. I asked her how much I should pay her, she told me I didn't have to pay! So then I told her I liked her the moment I laid eyes on her. She insisted I was bullshitting her, which resulted with me getting angry and walking out on her.

I refused to see her then she started calling me everyday and finally I cracked and saw her. That was how we first met if anybody was wondering.

I've visited her village and spent time with her family. They're poor but they're not destitute. Their conditions seem a lot better than those that live up in Isaan. I've never been there but I've seen plenty of photos of the villages there and my girl's family is in no way that poor.

Another interesting thing is her parents until the other day, had no clue she was working as a prostitute before. Also, the parents were asking her sisters if we were having sex yet, indicating to me that family has a higher set of values than some poor Thai families who encourage prostitution to their children.

The family liked me, that was my impression. They were intent on feeding me and getting me drunk the whole time. I fit in quite perfectly actually. I had no problem taking bucket showers, shitting in those squat style toilets. The family was rather impressed on how I could just jump in to the rural life style with no problems. It really didn't bother me.

I was never asked for money or to pay for things. Except one night the local Pu Yai Bahn asked me to buy him 4 beers, two of which he wanted me to drink with him so my village experience was extremely positive.

The parents want my girl to come back home because they are concerned that I will be angry or jealous with her. But recently her and her older sister have discovered a house for sale only 200 metres from their parents’ home. They're planning to buy it at 100,000 baht. The older sister called me up and asked me if my girl could work the bars so they could save up for this house. They never asked me for any money for a house, so that was a good sign.

Here is why I like the older sister. For the last few years she has stayed in her village with the help of a sponsor and was a very good girl the whole time. Her English was very good. She was a former a bar girl who partied it up until she met her boyfriend (now ex). She would tell me a lot of bar girl stories, how she would party, do drugs, lie to men for money, etc. She claims to be past that now, and even looks down on a lot of the bar girls who behave like this. She hates my girl's friend who although no longer has sex with customers, has three boyfriends sending her money.

She was also the one that told me that she didn't want my girl working in the bars because she is afraid something will happened between us and we will break up. Recently she broke up with her boyfriend and she will be returning to the bars to buy a house. The parents have instructed the kids they don't have to send them money since they are saving up for the house.

My girl swears to me that she will not go with customers. I asked her about bar fines because I know a lot of the bars will give an incentive for the amount of bar fines a girl makes, or sometimes her pay will be cut if they don't make enough.

My girl told me she pretty much does what ever she wants. She is a favorite at her bar. Her boss expressed to her that she can come to work at anytime and leave at anytime. She insisted that I call her every evening to talk with her to prove that she wasn't going with me. She then gave me her email password. A common trick, but I said what the hell, I checked the email account. What do I find?? Lo and behold, nude pictures of her sent to her by some guy she went with. I confronted her about this and she claimed it was during the time where she had no money.

Well I forgave her before about all that so there was no sense in grilling her about it now.

My girl calls me very frequently and demands that I call her when she wakes up and before she goes to bed. She wants me to take her to Phuket this summer since she has never been. She also complains that I never do anything romantic for her (women), so now I have to take her on some kind of romantic get away. She is also talking about marriage, which I might consider later. Why? Because I'm madly in love with her, that's why. I'm not some middle aged lonely divorcee (although I may become one) who is on his third mid-life crisis and is about to jump the gun with some nymph less than half his age.

Before she was against leaving Thailand, in fact I couldn't even get her to go to Koh Chang. She doesn't like to travel or something. Now she wants to visit me on holiday and wants to meet my family. I don't know how visas work, but we're going to try and have her visit for a couple of weeks. I know the visas are a little tricky, especially since she is a poor farm girl with no incentive to return to Thailand once she is in America.

We're young, and it seems pretty legit. But there are too many factors. And Farang / bargirl protocol tells me that I am being played. There seems to be much evidence to support that she loves me, but on the other hand there are way too many 'what ifs'.

I guess the family is under the impression we're going to get married. Something I want too at some point. But what's really bothering me is that she is still working in the bars and the fact that she did bullshit me once before. When I talk to her on the phone, if I question her sincerity towards me, she usually either:

a) Breaks out in a Thai love song and sings to me at full volume no matter where she is at or who is around.
b) Screams she loves me on the telephone no matter where she is or who is around.

Yeah, it seems convincing, but the best of the bad girls are.

Any feedback and advice would be great. Personal experiences, etc. Also, she is planning to buy a house for 100,000 baht in the rural countryside. Is that a reasonable price?

For those who are more experienced, if she is playing me what is her angle here? She doesn't want to marry me to come to America. She wants me to finish up college and come stay in Thailand with her. She contemplated marrying me and staying with me while I attended school but we figured by the time she got the visa I'd have graduated already.

So help. I don't know what the hell is going on here. To be honest I'm pretty scared because I find my self falling in love with her more and more.

Stickman says:

There are a number of issues here and I’ll try and cover them all.

You state that you are sending her 15,000 ­ 20,000 baht per month. This is plenty of money and twice the average salary. This is plenty and there is no reason why she must continue to work to make more money. A Thai woman can live in Bangkok just fine in this amount of money. She says that she is making 15,000 baht a month working in a bar. That is a lot of money, especially if she claims she is not going with customers. Most bars pay 6,000 ­ 8,000 bath a month salary, and that is assuming that the girls come to work everyday (they generally don’t) AND, most importantly, that their minimum number of “offs” or barfines is reached. If the minimum number is not reached, their salary is cut heavily. Of course, money can be made from lady drinks too but from a cut salary all the way up to 15,000 baht per month? Hmmm, not likely. So, I feel that she is being dishonest about things here.

You state that her sister was in the industry as well. I have always maintained that if other members of the family are or have been in the industry then you are really up against it. Not only as her sister been in the industry before, but she is returning to it. I don’t like the sound of that and it doesn’t bode well.

100,000 baht for a house? Now admittedly I do not know much about houses and house prices but if you are buying a house, you are probably buying the land it is on too. Land and a dwelling for 100,000 baht? Hmmm, even in Thailand that seems awfully cheap. My best bet that is that this is not genuine at all and is an excuse used to continue working.

She cheated on you once and that has been proven. You absolutely have to get her out of the bar and in many ways you have to get her to acknowledge that it is the best thing for the relationship between the two of you. She has to agree to do it ­ and not resent it at all. She has said that she finds life back in the village boring. Oh dear, that is not a good sign! If she resents it, then give up now ­ it would all be just too hard to get resolved.

You probably need to get her checked out at the bar again. I’d put big money on it that she relent and agree to go with a guy, just like she did the first time… Given the trust issues and all of the other problems I have mentioned, I think it would be extremely difficult to get this situation to work.