Next Time You’re On The Skytrain
Honestly, I was never into feet till I got to Thailand but all that changed one night when I was engaging in oro-genital foreplay with Eed, in a short-time hotel, off Sukhumvit: you know the one with the ceiling mirrors and the gynaecologist’s chair? While I was orally stimulating Eed’s nether regions, she was able to respond by very gently wrapping her prehensile toes around my John Thomas and stroking it with a level of sensitivity that I could never have previously imagined. It’s now an obligatory part of the foreplay with all Thai ladies unfortunate enough to short-time with me and most of them do it very well indeed, sometimes after a bit of instruction.
That got me thinking: are their feet anatomically different from those of other women, particularly the calloused, disgusting objects that farang females stand on? If so, why? Well, the answer to the first question can easily be determined by a trip on the skytrain and looking at the feet of the little local sweeties which for me is now quite an erotic experience. Have you noticed how long the toes are (especially the second toe which is often longer than the big toe), in relation to the rest of the foot, the very toes they are able to use during foreplay? Another interesting observation is the fact that there is often a gap between adjacent toes, again enabling them to move around independently. Sometimes the toes themselves are hour-glass shaped, with a gap half way along them. Whatever you do, don’t look at the feet of a female farang, it will put you off food for a week.
So what about my second question: what was the original, evolutionary function of these apparently idiosyncratic anatomical features that I find so enjoyable? It struck me that they must be adaptations for working in muddy paddy fields. Presumably the long toes increase the overall surface area of the foot, in such a way that its owner would be less likely to sink into the mud. You might think that the gaps between the toes would make the owner more likely to sink in but this depends on the size of the gap and the viscosity of the mud. If the gap was not too big and the mud not too viscous then, again, the overall surface of the base of the foot would be increased. There is enormous scope for a structural engineer to carry out some measurements (I’ll volunteer to help), to test out my hypothesis.
The bottom line is, next time you’re in the skytrain opposite one of those divine oriental goddesses, do look at her feet and try to imagine how very happy she could make you! Don’t make it too obvious or they’ll all start wearing Wellington boots.
You know those people selling t shirts, wooden willies and other overpriced sundries from stalls between about Sukhumvit Soi 7 and 15? You’ve probably noticed that most of them are deaf and dumb and they communicate with their customers by means of calculators; after all, that makes sense since, no doubt, 99.9% of the customers don’t speak a word of Thai anyway. Did you ever wonder what happens to some of the young ladies who work in these stalls, after they pack up? Yep, some of them head off to Thermae, to generate some additional income. I’ve never had the courage to take one but what follows is a tale told to me by a friend (he tells it better than I do and never fails to leave everyone present rolling around on the floor, totally hysterical; but I’ll do my best).
Well, one night my friend had had much too much to drink and ended up in the Thermae, where he asked two of these ladies with this unfortunate handicap, as well as a third lady (who was not afflicted in this manner) back to his place. He then seated the two deaf and dumb ladies in the sitting room of his apartment, while he went off to the adjacent bedroom with the third one. After completing the task with her, she was paid and sent on her way but one of the other two then starts making noises and pointing at her nether regions, indicating that she too required servicing. My friend, apparently, duly obliged and took her off to the bedroom, after which she disappeared without requesting payment. That left the third one who also started making noises and pointing to the same region of her anatomy; back to the bedroom and she too then left without requesting payment. He couldn’t believe his luck, or so he thought.
The next night my friend was sitting quietly in his apartment when there was a knock on the door and the first of the two deaf and dumb ladies was standing there, again pointing at her lower abdominal region but this time she pulled out a note stating that she had a Thai boyfriend who would deal with him, if he didn’t hand over 5000 baht! He paid, hoping that was the end of the matter. The following night, however, there was another knock on the door and the second of these handicapped ladies was standing there; this one however had a note typed on Thai Immigration Department notepaper stating that, if he didn’t hand over 5000 baht immediately, she would get him deported. Unfortunately, at the time, my friend’s visa was not in order so he complied with her request also.
Seems to be a few foot fetishists about…