Readers' Submissions

Shower Show At The Bar





Out on a typical beer bar tour, I stopped at several places and ordered drinks I didn't really want. After two beers, I switched to soda water. I was looking for women. I have plenty of booze back at my room for later. After two or three hours, I still hadn't found a gal I liked. At one bar, a really foxy girl talked me into sitting down. I ordered my drink and we continued our conversation for about two minutes, when suddenly she got up and fetched the ugliest girl in the bar, brought her over to me and introduced us. She then returned to her post in front of the bar, leaving me stranded and feeling put on the spot. Common trick. Happens all the time. Foxy lady acts as bait. Works the street front, luring in the customers. Easy. Like shooting fish in a barrel. I always feel sorry for the ugly girl I get set up with when I hurriedly gulp my drink, pay and split. But if the ugly girl gets her feelings hurt, it isn't my fault.

I was about to give up, discouraged, when on my way back to the hotel, a gal I've known for some time hollered and waved at me from her bar. She's alright, so I walked over. I was tired and had drank enough fluids already, so I said I'd just pay the bar fine and we'd be leaving. Nope! They'd have none of that. They pleaded and wheedled until my pretty, young gal and the ugly, old mamasan bullied me into buying a soda water I didn't need. Mamasan finally resorted to the irresistible argument that if I didn't buy a drink of some kind, she would charge me a 400 baht bar fine instead of the usual 200. Well, I'll be a dirty motherfucker! Beat me, whip me and make me feel cheap!

I thought if I took another sip of soda water, I'd pop, so much I'd had at the other bars already. I sat there sweating. The fan directly overhead was not on. Electricity costs money! I listened to the bar band playing their special Thai version of "Sultans of Swing:" singer off-key, unintelligible pronunciation, guitar out of tune, amplifiers distorting- excruciatingly painful. I sweated some more and thought how ludicrous this all was to be sitting here, so miserable, just so these people could charge me 40 baht for a 5 baht bottle of soda. I was HOT! Under the collar and everywhere else. That soda bottle contained cold, clean, pure water and lots of fizzy CO2. Now, of what possible use could it be to me in my present over-heated state? I didn't want to drink it…. RIGHT!…I KNOW! I raised the bottle, inverted it high over my sweaty bald head, and took a nice, cool, refreshing, effervescent shower. A stroke of genius, right? Well, perhaps not. The mamasan and her brood of bar girls were disgusted and horrified: Look how that nasty, stingy Farang has abused our good soda water! We bullied him into buying it, fair and square, and now look what contempt he shows us for our efforts! Withering under their wrathful stares, I quickly paid the bill and we left.

At another bar where there's a girl I like, they now insist that you buy yourself AND the girl a drink before you can pay the bar fine and leave with her. I don't go there anymore. It's low season now, and they're getting VERY serious about milking you all they can. They want customers to sit all night and run up huge bills before going anywhere with their girls. I think my biggest mistake has been going out too early. After around midnight, it becomes a lot easier to just walk up and bar fine a girl. You can say you've had enough to drink already and are tired. The later it is, the more believable they find this excuse. And near closing time, they've done most of their business for the evening anyway. The closer it is to 2AM, the less profit potential they see in getting a customer to sit down. At 1 AM, there just isn't time for you to drink several beers; and moreover, the girls are tired and bored and anxious to get out of there….My, but it ain't easy for a horny old goat like me to wait until late before going out to find a date!

Stickman says:

It's a tough night when you can't get laid in Thailand!