Naughty Notes from Hua Hin

Actually getting to Hua Hin proved difficult until I realised it is pronounced Hoi Hin, then everyone knew where I wanted to go. Rather than take an expensive taxi to the southern bus terminal (Sai Tai or Dai or something) I used one of the mini-buses that runs from the Victory Monument – 200 baht against 160 baht but the difference more than made up in the sheer convenience of being able to get to the mini-bus via the BTS. It worked out at around three hours travel time and it has to be said that there wasn't a huge amount of legroom for farang-sized passengers.

An amusing start to the venture, some twenty-something Thai bint got in the front at the last moment, giving her Thai husband a goodbye kiss and even before the driver had engaged gear was on her mobile to her farang boyfriend in Hua Hin. The temptation to say something in English, such as get back to bed honey, was great but I managed to resist! Later, she phoned her backup boyfriend with the promise of short time in the evening. Wasn't sure if I should be amused or depressed.

The driver, some tubby wannabe who scowled at me but soon cheered up as he overheard the bint lying to the farang and by the end of the journey was almost bursting out of his face in happiness – I think he had lined up a quickie at journey's end! He endeared himself to the passengers by stopping halfway to fill up with gas (as in the natural stuff rather than petrol) which took about twenty minutes and left us scowling in the searing midday heat! Of course, when he was ready to leave he expected everyone back in the mini-bus in nanoseconds and was most annoyed when some elderly lady took five minutes to stagger on.

The bus also stops at Cha Am, albeit on the main road with a thirty minute walk to the beach and dropped several people off en route, so if you live on the outskirts of Hua Hin it would probably be quite useful. The Thais all called the driver chauffeur which almost made me burst out in hysterical laughter. The mini-bus rolls into the small terminal right in downtown, not far from the railway line and it is an easy walk from there to the nearby hotels and beach.

One thing that surprised me, the quality of the rooms in the smaller hotels. They are dotted all over downtown and the beach area. You have to look around to find one you like, the two I used were good value and excellent quality… and almost completely empty in the late April low season! I won't name them as I may well want to use them again but there are so many small hotels it should not be a problem to find a room in the low season. You can bargain discounts, I got the first down to 700 from 800 baht a night; the second did a weekly deal at the equivalent of 550 baht a day – and was larger, almost new and really well fitted out.

The one huge downside to Hua Hin in late April, the combination of horrible humidity and searing temperatures – it really does feel like one step away from hell in the day! I am used to walking many kilometres in places like Bangkok and it came as a total shock to my fifty year-old body to have to grapple with near nausea after a mere five minutes in the sun. Bangkok's pollution cutting out the sun has its plus points. Even in the nights, unless you were down by the sea there wasn't much of a cooling breeze or decrease in humidity.

I am not really into sitting on the beach and it was relief that a brief sortie was soon ended by an altercation between the gal I was with and the deckchair renter – apparently one person ordering food was insufficient to curb her greed and as there was no way I was going to chance Thai seafood we had to make a fast exit, the gal muttering about the Mafia! Anyway, a pleasant enough beach to wander along but only if you did not mind the Thai lads giving their horses a hand-job! Weird chaps, no way I would trust my tender frame to their machinations (horse riding I hasten to add!). Neither would I trust my feet to the bare sand nor water, not just discarded, broken beer bottles but the spectre of the dreaded jelly-fish.

The aforementioned babe picked up in one of the smaller beer bars, twenty five but not quite stunner material. Buri-Lam she came from, a nice slick body never ruined by dropping a kid but I was a little out of my element as I am used to five-foot nothing, forty-straight-kilo babes and she was a good six inches taller, most of that in her legs. A combination that should've been exciting but didn't really do it for me, though I put in a good performance (my first sex after finishing a five year relationship with another Thai lady). She didn't last more than a day, anyway, I don't think she was too impressed with the 1000 baht note I gave her for long time.

A 1000 baht for long time might well be considered a bit on the miserly side and I am sure that there are ancient idiots from places like the Hilton resort who will happily drop five times that but with the economic crunch prices are fast dropping for most things not connected with the tourism industry. For example, there was a huge travelling market down on the Soi 51 side of town; the same kind of market that used to turn up outside Chiang Mai, selling everything from clothes to food – and prices over six months had definitely dropped by 20-30 percent. You can also expect the drop in commodity prices to feed through to lower land prices and all those unemployed builders mean that even building a house is going to cost a lot less. So everything a Thai b-gal wants to spend money on is likely to cost less and therefore no need to pay silly money for their services. Okay, just call me Cheap Charlie, I have been paying the same for the past twenty years!

The bars clustered around the Hilton in narrow lanes, started off in Soi Binthabaht (what a joke name, only in Thailand) and spread down connecting sois. Quite easy to get completely lost in those sois but it is a very small area and easy to find out where you are when spat out next to either the Hilton or temple.

Soi Binthabaht itself is a bit more expensive than the other areas, ladies drinks with alcohol going as high as 150 baht. The smaller bars in the other sois, alcoholic lady drinks under the hundred baht mark with Coke just sixty baht in some places. My beer cost 60-80 baht depending on the bar. Barfines a universal 300 baht, which I thought a bargain and throwback to almost twenty years ago! But then I don't think the gals get a salary and the bars certainly don't spend much on electricity, a few were so heated I refused to sit in them!

The most disturbing aspect of this area, the young Thai lads on small motorcycles meandering past the bars, giving the girls the eye. As an old Bangkok hand, I wasn't all that surprised to see the extremely positive way the women reacted to these local guys – shining eyes, big grins etc – you would have to be a total moron to miss what was going down or totally infatuated. One of these chaps actually ventured into the same bar as myself and bought a drink for the girl I was about to chat to… an awkward moment and a lovely scowl from the lad! They moved away and some huge but young katoey pounced on the empty seat next to me… and didn't move despite my drinking two beers and not buying her a drink.

I paid up and she went off to chat to someone else; then I bought another beer as the gal I wanted to talk to was now free. When I bought her a Cola the katoey gave me a death stare from a few metres away! You have to laugh. Alas, the girl turned out to be seventeen and although the mamasan seemed to think it would not matter if I did not tell anyone, this Thai logic did not sit well with my long-termer's advanced state of paranoia. She was four months off eighteen but I don't think the boys-in-brown would have taken that as an excuse. Worse yet, there was one girl in the bar who looked about twelve but I was told she was fifteen and just the sister of one of the other gals. I would be very wary of even talking to someone that young, you never know what creeps will come out of the woodwork and accuse you of all kinds of nastiness. My last girlfriend, a mere twenty years my junior, a couple of times on visits to the UK was mistaken for a thirteen year-old!

Over a few days, I investigated most of the bars in this area and a quite disturbing phenomenon turned up, an actual echo of my own reason for being there – as in making damn sure I did not run into the ex-girlfriend or worse yet her Thai husband who was suitably enraged that I had taken the piss by enjoying a free few years of crazed sex with his investment. A hell of a lot of gals had already taken one farang for serious dosh and were on the look out for another idiot. Just two examples – an Ubon piece of raw sex had done a French guy for half a million baht after a month's acquaintance, he feeling immensely sorry for her when viewing the shack the family lived in and immediately ordered it to be demolished! And even an English teacher in Lopburi dropping 1.2 million baht after a two year sortie with a so-called good girl (money from the UK not his meagre earnings) who seemed desperate to get me to pay her barfine.

The poor English teacher, after the house was completed, spent his nights drinking eight large bottles of Chang to get over the angst resultant from burning all his money… the girl not understanding that his alcoholism was probably caused by her subsequent attitude (as in no more dosh forthcoming). The Ubon babe who gave me a painful erection, amused when the French guy had to return home to his wife and kids, then went on to dispel said erection with expensive tales of buying cars, motorcycles, etc for her extended family. I suggested that if she bought me a motorcycle I would happily do the taxi chores for her but somehow this did not go down well and she suggested I had better go away… so I did!

Bear in mind, that I only bothered talking to attractive women under the age of 25… there were many more horrid looking skanks who looked like they had escaped from the local Chinese brothels, plenty of nasty looking katoeys and hundreds of tubby chuckers who were blown away by the slimness of Bangkok Bull's aged body or something and tried to grab me off the street into their tender embrace. But I am quick of foot and a wily old bastard… I did insult one nineteen year-old babe by suggesting that five hundred baht short-time was about right rather the grand she thought her due – but after I sussed the attitude and scowl I wouldn't have done her for free!

It didn't take long for word to get around, and I was routinely ignored by the uglies and lovelies alike – it is a very small area. That was how I found myself on Soi 80, an even smaller bar area with a mere half dozen or so bars. Once you take one gal from here you are f..ked so chose carefully. Or not. I was quite taken of by one nineteen year-old who had an exotic face that suggested the puppy-fat could soon be dissipated with a few weeks of energetic sex… but it was her birthday in two days time and she thought it her birthright that I should pay for the party and then take her and her mates over to the local disco. This after one Cola and about ten minutes of conversation. Tales of farang largesse obviously well drilled into her DNA. She also eyed the passing young Thai men on motorcycles with something like enthusiasm!

Walking out of that bar, the next one down the line I was accosted by a completely insane lady whose greeting consisted of sticking her tongue right down my throat. She was pretty drunk, it has to be said, but provision of an alcoholic Cola resulted in a groin massage and more tongue probing. She wanted short-time, bare-back for 500 baht… run a mile my instant thought; emphasized when she said she would let me three-hole her for 700 baht. Age, mid-twenties; body, five-foot-nothing and 40-odd kilos: chances of exiting without some dreadful disease almost zero.

I was figuring get the first bus back to Bangkok but before I could get out of the soi, I was rather taken with another babe and walking a few yards the heat had got to me and I needed another beer. Okay, any excuse. So A turned out to be a mere 21 but had already dropped a kid; the usual story of a Thai lout getting her pregnant and then disappearing. No signs of the pregnancy on her body, again rather taller than I really go for but seemed like a really lovely lady and a sexy mouth to die for. And she came from Surin, which for some reason always gets me excited – probably because I haven't had a Surin babe go bad on me! Don't mention Petchabun or Chaiyapoon or Kalisin, please…

I try to avoid the outright stunners as they are obviously too much trouble, but women in their early twenties can be quite malleable and mutable; often you can find someone with the physical potential to transform herself into a stunner under the right benign encouragement and due to my personal circumstances I am able to devote a hundred percent of my time to the right babe. A fell into that category, at least at that moment in time to a brain blasted by an excess of heat and humidity; mellowed in a few small bottles of Tiger. As with the Buri-Lam gal, I had to make all the running and after a few drinks ask if she wanted to come back to the hotel…

As suspected, she had a great mouth and tongue and didn't want to stop kissing during the sex – not quite the best sex I'd ever had but she put a lot of heart into it and if I had been a first-timer I would have been totally caught. She followed up by trying to mould her body into mine when we went to sleep and was still there in the morning. Alas, she didn't look half as attractive in the plain light of day, a certain sullenness to her face whilst her body looked more gawky than sexily slender – she later admitted to eating only once a day because b-girl lore had instilled in her the belief that farang liked small women. You have to admire this kind of deep seated determination to please, however wrongly applied. By the time she had caked her face with make-up and lipstick she looked nearer thirty than twenty; salvageable I'd say, as she neither drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes nor even partook of coffee but with a one-year old kid in tow a bit too much effort for me.

I should perhaps have explained that six weeks earlier, whilst in Blighty, my five year liaison with another Thai girl had ended via the telephone and I was totally unsure how I would react to being back in Thailand. Previously, in the same situation with another girl, I had ended up completely depressed but this time around my only concern was possible retribution from her Thai husband – a huge loutish chap who looked more African than Thai. I even had a 24 year-old Filipina lined up in Cebu if I needed a quick exit, met over the internet but I was in two minds about her as her reaction had been a touch off when I asked her about Filipino men – and when I said what I really needed was some female inspiration her only idea was wouldn't it be wonderful to marry her and have a family… not my idea of inspiration; been there, done that! So I was quite pleased not to need that exit.

Another contributor to this site seemed strongly of the opinion that there are actually plenty of b-girls who would make good wives… sorry, but the vast majority of b-gals who give the appearance of looking for a good farang are merely good actresses; they know exactly the right things to say and which strings to pull; their apparent enthusiasm for the man of the moment can be totally convincing but it is… well, I'd go as far as to say that it is witchcraft. They are that good. In percentage terms, once you take out the women who aren't attractive enough and those with too many family obligations, you are looking at something less than one in a thousand! Disbelieve this at your peril!

As to Hua Hin, it has a nice bit of beachscape, an expensive night market and a reasonable shopping complex, a few temples and an ornate railway station but the rest of the architecture is just a mess of concrete buildings of no real interest. The locals all seem very nice and friendly, the small hotels exceptional value and the bar scene reasonably priced if rather limited. The heat and humidity the worst I have come across in Thailand but that apart I could see myself living some way out from the centre with some young Thai babe and having a lot of fun. But I doubt if I would find the right babe in the Hua Hin bars; more likely I would have to take the bus to Surin. But that is another story.