Advice To Older But No Wiser

Dear friend and Stickmanites,

Since my email was rejected from the given emailaddress, I will post my advice here.

I read your submission on Stickman and would like to share a few thoughts about it. (And BTW, thanks for all the replies to my previous submissions. All were positive and I was amazed that there are so many that bother to take time and trouble to send feedback.)

I have lived 10 years here, am 41 at the moment. For 7 years I have been together with my Thai family and so on. Love them dearly for what they are. I have seen and heard a lot during these years and am normally not into giving advice since it normally falls on deaf ears and besotted minds.

The problem I see in your sub is that you have fallen in love with a Thai service provider. You are giving her money which is what she expects. I was visiting Thailand for the first time and was in Pattaya when I met a lady that became a (sex)partner for 2 years. The sex was great and I was in need of activity after years of unhappiness and going through a divorce that made me numb at first and hurt later. This experience was great since it boosted my spirits and purified me through purgatory. It was all nice and sweet at first but inevitably it became a nightmare with arguments and fights so I just left and later entered a relationship with someone who did not depend solely on me. As one of the greatest philosophers of our time, Arnold Schwarzenegger, once said: "The best activities for your health are pumping and humping". You seem to have followed his advice at least on one aspect.

I suppose the days are over when you had steamy sex sessions with your wife. That, I suppose, is quite normal. The question remains, what were you seeking from her in the first place? Was she an ideal partner fulfilling your demands or were you an equal and responsible couple? I suppose something in between these two opposites. Now, when you are older, the thrill is gone. Female urge for sexual activities diminishes greatly after the age of 40. The same does not apply to males to that degree.

I just can tell you what I have seen and witnessed older Thai guys do when they still feel the urge to hide the sausage. There is an older Thai guy in the village where I live who used to be a university teacher and is retired. He lives in Bangkok with his family and comes to his village cottage on Friday evening and leaves for home Monday morning. I am sure his wife knows that 'something' is going on but I guess it is never discussed or even referred to. His cottage is visited by some pretty young university student ladies that are probably compensated handsomely since he is by all means far from handsome. He actually has a limp leg, he is balled and otherwise looks like an old grumpy man. His other foot is in the grave. But…he can speak nice and he's got money and status. I have talked with him and had an occasional drink. He speaks good English and has got opinions and is ready to exchange and challenge them – not always available with Thai males. And he does what a Thai man in his situation with a wife and kids would do, he has fun on the side despite his old age. I suggest that you take this in to consideration when deciding how to proceed with your life. Keep your fling and extracurricular activities hidden from your Thai wife and especially from her family and relatives and friends. The damage you can cause is enormous – not just to her but to yourself. As Shakespeare wrote: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".

Take a hobby. Take a hobby that allows you to spend some days apart with a good reason. I would suggest that you mention to your wife an urge to do something like 'go fishing' for a weekend since you are bored and don't have anything to do. Tell her you need a hobby that keeps you busy. I bet she will understand you and will not bother you as long as you keep whatever you do to yourself. This would be doing it the Thai way and keeping your secret to yourself. More importantly, your wife would not lose face. Say you go boating with a Farang friend and may not be contacted by mobile at all times or even better, if you make a trip to Laos or Burma or wherever. Well, not so sure about Burma.

I think you are besotted by this lady you can't think straight. She works for money. She does not expect you to leave your wife. She will not love you. She is happy to provide you with thrills since as you said your demands are not very high. There are quite a few older Thai guys doing a bit on the side and they would never even dream of leaving their wives or family and starting something with a girl from a bar. That would be far too big loss of face and appearances are very important in Thailand.

I once had a discussion with an older Thai guy and his mistress. He was probably in his late 50s and she was a gorgeous young woman around 25. He was overly obese (I've always struggled with my weight also but lost some in recent years) and the closest look in comparison would be an unshaven pirate in the Mediterranean. But as it became clear, he treated her well, gave her a car, money for shopping, treated her like a princess and they both seemed happy about the arrangement. The problem for me, and I suspect for many, would be that it would require serious money to keep a mistress like her. And I am not talking 10,000 Baht a month, more likely adding one zero might do it. Are you up for it? I am not. She actually raised the subject of why being together by asking my better half how and where we met and why she chose to be with me. My then-to-be-wife answered that I treat her well and respect her and take care of her needs and feelings. She also added that I am not rich but that doesn't matter because she loves me for what I am. As a side note I add that 'not rich' in this case means that I provide but not silly money and she has worked during all our relationship. The two ladies then proceeded competing how good of a man they had found to their lives. I was quite amused but the exchange of experiences was a great change from the usual "How much does he pay you?" If someone wants to insult my wife, that question will upset her greatly. She normally responds telling that it is HER who supports me.

Your dilemma seems to be that you are besotted by your own feelings towards this person. Feelings are a bastard to deal with. You can't just decide to ignore them. Nevertheless, I feel some unbalanced expectations in your own submission. On the other hand you say that you can't really afford her (she returning to bar) and that you still keep up hopes of her loving you and staying together forever. You give her occasional money every now and then and she keeps coming up with all sorts of emergencies like someone getting into accident and so on. I live with my Thai family and see them deal with things and still able to return to work. What I am trying to say without really knowing her is that she sounds like she is displaying all the symptoms of a bargirl milking the customer. I hope all the best for you. Dealing with one's feelings is not easy but try to think it over and find a solution that you can live with.

The Professor kindly replied to my previous submission 'Do You Speak Woman, Professor?' with a nice email. I like to quote two bits from his intelligent and wise observations. This since I get the feeling that you have not read the Stickman submissions or at least not taken to account what so many have witnessed and lived through before you.

I can fully agree what Professor says about some contributors here; "Even more recently, a few days ago in fact, a man writes how he met a girl from Thailand on Facebook while he was in England, he flew to meet her, she slept with him on the first night, she had a previous kid by a foreigner, a condo in Pattaya and a flash car, constantly asked him for money and swore at him when he didn't deliver, and was forever leaving him to see other guys. He asked in his sub if he should stay with her or not."

In your case you know she is going with other guys and making money out of it. And you still love her..? Or is it as Professor says in another part of his long email: "Sometimes you get people to rethink situations by making them laugh at themselves, other times you shock them. The Loser submission came about after my reading a number of subs where people described the "perfect" woman, and all the attributes were physical. Since it is true that many (not all) of the writers to Stickman have failed in their relationships, both with Thai as well as with western women, I was trying to draw the connection between the way some of the writers go about choosing a woman (physically), when they should be looking at other characteristics (what I called "looking into a woman's heart"). I don't pretend to know the answer on how to choose a woman, but I gave some things to think about."

And I would also urge you to think and reconsider what you see in your 'Love of My Life' before you rush deeper in to the tangled web what we call 'love'.

As for what comes to your wife and couple life, I would suggest taking it very slow changing anything. I am not a person who can easily advise anyone since I prefer long-term relationships and simply can't develop feelings for service providers – even less if the first meeting they are trumping their naked bodies in front of me. You might easily find yourself in a situation where you have lost your wife, your house and also your lover. She will take the better offer if there will be one available – believe me! And where does that leave you..?

I hope The Professor don't mind his email quoted here. I think it was really nice and balanced view and I thank him for it.

Stickman's thoughts:

Thinking more about it, I think the original writer would be mad to go with the bargirl. He doesn't appear to have enough money to be able to support her which leaves him vulnerable in many ways, not least if someone else comes along and makes a better offer. Moreover, I would have thought the whole idea of shacking up with a prostitute was that she shagged like she was at the Olympics, yet the original author admits his shagging days are all but over. I cannot see any real advantage, and certainly nothing long-term, by leaving his educated wife to shack up with (and not shag!) this working girl!